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Annabelle789123 · Jun 12, 2008, 02:06 PM

I recently divorced after 22 years of marriage and jumped rather quickly into an apt I couldn't afford and had to sell stocks and 410 to make it. I was introduced to a guy who is also divorced (has 2 children 7 & 9) he has the kids every other weekend and on wednesdays we have been together for 9 months. He saw that I was struggling and asked me to move in after dating 4 months. He originally was really nice and said don't pay anything until I am on my feet again. He makes 4 times what I make. I have a truck I can't afford and can't trade in because I am upside down by $9000 thanks to the economy. I got a new job which pays me $300 a month more but still am struggling. He now wants $500 a month rent and he will pay groceries and utilities, house etc. I told him I wasn't buying anything else if I give him that. He says that I am using him if I don't pay him anything to live there and I understand that, but I feel he is using me because when his kids come over I do their laundry, his laundry, cook, clean and everything else a maid would do. What should I do. I want to move into my own apt but can't afford to right now.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 12, 2008, 02:09 PM

Next time he wants sex, make it 200 bucks he may get the point.

First you did not say how much the apartment is costing if the apartment is 3000 a month, then 500 is not that much,? But it sounds like you need to get on a better budget and sit down with him and work it out

Annabelle789123 · Jun 12, 2008, 02:14 PM

My old apt was $650, plus util which were around 15 a month

simoneaugie · Jun 12, 2008, 02:16 PM

Pay him what he asks if you can. Do no chores that benefit him at all. Or, find out what it would cost him to have a maid or nanny do the work and subtract that from your rent.

smokedetector · Jun 12, 2008, 02:24 PM

Maybe you could sit down and talk with him and work out something more reasonable, like 2 or 300 a month. I agree with Fr_Chuck, you should definitely get a financial plan down. Obviously I don't know how you live, but you'd be surprised how much you can save by skipping that starbucks latte every day and painting your own nails rather that going to get them done, that sort of thing.
On the issue of treating you like a maid, there's two ways I can see it. Either you're not used to doing normal household chores that come with 2 kids (perhaps you don't have children yourself, or maybe they are grown now) and you find it odd that e would want you to do their laundry, etc, or he really is treating you more like the help than a girlfriend. Now he seems like a nice enough person for letting you move in, but then again he may have utlerior motives, I don't know. Forgive me, and maybe you're just letting off steam and consiquently complaining about everything, but it seems like you don't want to have to do household chores and you don't want to pay to live there, so you seem to just be mooching. Maybe his intentions were to let you keep te money you would normally pay to rent for a few months so you could get back ahead and be more financially stable and now you are just in the same position even though you said yourself you have more money. Then again he could have just seen you as week and thought he could control you better from under his thumb. I'm not trying to judge you, I promise, but sometimes it takes someone else to point out things we haven't seen, so don't just scoff at this, but really think about it and be honest with yourself. Are you using him? Or is he using you? Deep down you know the answer to that already, I'm sure.

Annabelle789123 · Jun 12, 2008, 02:37 PM

That is why I asked the general public to get all kinds of views. I have a teenager and only child who lives with my ex (she didn't want to leave her school). They get along a lot better and he could afford the house payment and I just wanted to be free of responsibility to be quite honest. I did it all and want no one else to lean on me ever again. Sorry if it seems selfish but I have lived my life for everyone else that last 22 years and it is time to think of myself for a change. Yes, he is a very nice person for letting me move in but I do feel sometimes that it is a control thing. We are both Leo's and butt heads sometimes. I don't take his S*** and he doesn't take mine either. I don't have my nails painted by anyone, do anything myself that I can before paying for it and shop at the goodwill for work clothes. I try to talk to him about the finances but he just brags about how he pays everything on time and has never had a late payment on anything and gets mad at me when I try to explain my finances to him and shakes his head... so I don't tell him anymore, just suffer and then ignore him sometimes when he acts like that. Maybe I should just move out...

smokedetector · Jun 12, 2008, 03:14 PM

I understand not wanting to start over with little ones again after just having gotten through with your older child. It seems like there isn't much good in this relationship. Sure, he pays for things that you can't, but other than that he's got responsibilities that you don't want to take on, and by all rights you shouldn't have to if you don't want to. If things went any further, you would have to take on those responsibilities as a step mother. You butt heads. He sometimes tries to control you. And most importantly of all if he thinks he's better than you, then he's not respecting you like you should be respected. I'd say find a place you can afford without doing any more damage to your retirement funds and try being friends, or if you're not that emotionally attached, just dump him. It seems that you two are not what each other are looking for. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just the way the cookie crumbles ;-).

simoneaugie · Jun 13, 2008, 12:50 AM

smokedetector:
If the guy is doing all of her laundry, the kid's laundry and all of the chores, then asking her for rent is appropriate? The issue is deeper than who does what and who pays for which. The question is about drowning in poverty and being taken advantage of.

Annabelle: Your boyfriend sounds like he is high on himself.

DoulaLC · Jun 13, 2008, 05:20 AM

One issue is that he changed the game rules after you moved in. He told you not to pay for anything until you got back on your feet, but now wants you to pay rent. You both may have different view points as to what constitutes being "back on your feet".

You have a few choices... pay it and continue on as you have been. Rework the arraignments... taking in how you contribute by what you do to help out, what you can contribute financially (some couples find each providing a percentage of their income works better), decide if you are a couple or are you "roommates" (the determination can play a role in who does what and how the finances are handled), etc... or find an inexpensive place on your own... which would allow you complete control over your own finances.

Annabelle789123 · Jun 13, 2008, 06:05 AM

I would like to thank everone for their input and by all means keep going. You have given me much to think about. I decided this morning to put it in writing- a contract say... I would offer him $300.00 rent and do all the laundry, cooking and running his small internet business... what do you think? By the way, his kids and I get along very well and my daughter adores them as well. It is not their fault- they are just children! He is high on himself and I told him that last night. He did change the rules and I told him to make up his mind so if it is in writing, I think that would be better. We are a very good couple, have tons in common and are both a little stubborn but we will work through that. Keep the comments coming, it really helps and the truth is what I want to hear because it can only make you stronger!

tolerance · Jun 13, 2008, 06:13 AM

Does he have any friends or family who might be telling him to charge you?

Some people gets jealous and might be putting thoughts in his head that you using him or I would charge he rent, you never know. It just a thought!

Annabelle789123 · Jun 13, 2008, 06:16 AM

Originally Posted by tolerance

Does he have any friends or family who might be telling him to charge you?

Some people gets jealous and might be putting thoughts in his head that you using him or I would charge he rent, you never know. It just a thought!

Who knows... he had a very bitter divorce-ex took him for everything, even completely cleaned the house out and took 50G too... maybe he is just protecting himself-don't really blame him there. Just glad my divorce was very civil and my ex and I get along very well.

tolerance · Jun 13, 2008, 06:25 AM

I can understand that, I'm currently in a relationship with a guy with a bitter exwife that's jealous I am pregnant. The nerves of her!

Annabelle789123 · Jun 18, 2008, 06:26 AM

I have a question of you guys out there... My boyfriend and I have lived together for over 9 months. We are both divorced and in our 40's. On Wed and every other weekend we have his/my kids. All the other time is ours. We always have a great time wherever we go and whatever we do. He has this problem with caressing, fondling, kissing my neck and oral sex. He simply doesn't do it and
I have talked to him and explained to him that I really like it and need it. He keeps bragging about how good he is at all that but I rarely/never see it. I usually just get p/o'd and ignore him for awhile and act mad at him and then when he asks me I tell him and he says he will try and blah blah blah. I really want to stray sooooo bad just to get what I need but that wouldn't be good for our relationship. I am always clean, wear sexy outfits, I am not a fat cow or anything, etc and I don't know what else to do... please help

JBeaucaire · Jun 18, 2008, 08:56 AM

Nine months is the perfect time to be setting feelings aside and honestly evaluating your relationship. Sex is the issue you bring up, but this time of evaluation should cover EVERYTHING that is going on with you two.

Feelings aside, can you live with this guy for the rest of your life if everything about him stays exactly like it is right now? Nothing changes? Guys don't really change, and they certainly tend to stick to their sexual comfort zone.

So, just like it is, exactly, forever? You OK with that? You aren't going to find much success in the "convincing him to go down on you" department. He's not into that. You know that.

You're even considering cheating, meaning this issue is WAY more important to you than you realize.

Just because you've been with someone 9 months doesn't mean you have to keep at it making him miserable because you want things he doesn't, you will literally be immasculating him. It doesn't have to be this way.

Dating is an experiment, not a trap once in you can't get out of. Can you HONESTLY evaluate how this experiment is turning out?

Annabelle789123 · Jun 18, 2008, 09:44 AM

Thanks so much, there are a lot of other things that are making me start to wonder about this relationship, not just this subject... I can honestly say that I can see why his first wife left...

Annabelle789123 · Aug 5, 2008, 01:29 PM

I am currently living with my boyfriend (we are both in our early 40's). He gets his two children (ages 7 and 9) every other weekend and on Wednesdays (very bitter divorce). I also have a teenage daughter who lives with her dad-I see whenever I want (very amicable divorce). He was raised Catholic (although doesn't attend church regularly) and has his two kids in private Catholic school. My daughter goes to public school (Baptist). I have always raised my daughter with the "real world" attitude. I have explained almost everything under the sun to her and she really appreciates that. We get along extremely well and are very close. She gets excellent grades in school, never been in trouble and has a lot of friends. My boyfriend doesn't believe he should explain "everything" and shelters them. I consider it sheltering anyway. He is always shusshing" me when I say something or shaking his head as if to say "don't say that". He thinks they will learn the real world when they are older. They constantly ask me questions about different things and I have to say "ask your dad" because I am thinking he will get mad at what I say. I am a very open minded person and consider myself to be a free spirit. He is very conservative. We get along very well when his children are not there. His daughter tries manipulating him when they are there acting like she is scared at night and can't sleep by herself or just plain wants to go back home to her mom's. His kids and mine get along great and they like me and I like them. What I'm tryng to ask is what do we do? Our counselor says that we should respect each other's different parenting views but it is difficult sometimes and I just want to scream. I feel they are very emotionally scarred because of the divorce and can't seem to handle situations without crying or having fits, freaking out, etc. Sometimes I just want to scream and say how I really feel. I have talked to him about all this but we seem to get into an argument rather than discussion-please help!

progunr · Aug 13, 2008, 10:09 AM

His children will always come before you.

He has much guilt over the situation with he and his ex, and knowing that he shares in the responsibility for the failure of the relationship with their mother.

If you can't accept his position, and allow him to make his own mistakes as a parent, you are not going to be happy with him, and there will be no end to your conflict.

I think you need to look the other way, and be quiet about his parenting skills, if you want to remain together, and have any happiness while doing so.

If it causes you that much discomfort, this is probably not the situation you need to be in.

Annabelle789123 · Aug 13, 2008, 01:33 PM

Thanks, your insight has helped me to see things from another person's perspective. Also, since I asked this question, I have decided that on Wed nights, it is best for me to let him spend time with his children and I drive up to see my daughter and spend time with her. Today will be the first time trying this and giving both of us our space and being with our children separately. It does take time to blend families that is for sure!

JBeaucaire · Aug 15, 2008, 08:14 AM

If you need to scream, then scream. You'll feel better. It's refreshing.

Meanwhile, he can shush you all he wants when his kids are around and you will obey, unless YOUR kids are around and it's them you're talking to.

You will have to respect his wishes about restraint on some issues, and he will loosen up "a little" on other issues because he's around you. It will happen. It's natural.

But raise your kids the way you want. If he wants to live with you, he will get to observe those interactions. He will like them or he won't. It's his problem.

If he shushes you inappropriately, chuckle it off. "Oh, I'm fine here." is all you need to say. No defense, no "don't shush me" or none of that. He's uncomfortable and needs to deal with it, just tell him you're fine, and ignore the shushing.

The separate visits is an awesome idea. Don't even think of it as separate, think of it as "special". Both of your kids needs to feel special with all this stuff going on.