[xoxaprilwine]

I have been with my husband 12 years and married for 5. I never married him for looks but he is the most beautiful person I have ever known. I was fresh sixteen when I met him and we are a family with one child now with one on the way. He still puts me and my daughter first above his needs a “true gentleman” and I mean we still hold hands, he still holds the door at times, and walks on the dangerous side of the sidewalk so to speak. Best of all tells me he loves me at the end of each telephone call. I am in love with him just the same as before, if not more. Anyone that meets him ardors him, he is easygoing and likable.

We do engage in having sexual intercourse couple times a week since my daughter was born 1 ½ ago so I am not complaining about his performance. I just have a slight issue around his porn. He is been hiding porn forever, even while dating... about that time I should have realized that I had three choices (1) to change it, (2) accept it, or (3) move on. My guy friends at the time where so open with it I thought was weird but figured he was embarrassed and I didn't have the right to probe besides sex was good. He likes his porn, he likes it private, and he does not want me involved in any shape or form whatsoever. That was fine 5 years ago but till this day he is not open with it and he hides it and lies about it. It has escalated from then to larger lump sums of explicit material and some fetishes adopted but it is nothing to be alarmed about. I laugh because he tries to cleverly hide it all away but unfortunately for him I am a good cleaner and run across it. The most important thing is, sometimes I leave it, other times I bring it out and set it in plain view in our room, and I don't say anything to attack, embarrass or upset him (but boy does his mood change from good to bad without directing it to me). Instead I try to be supportive and I have given up explaining or trying to convince him its OK, so at times I will avoid the subject just so he sees that it is really no big deal (ignoring it). Arguing only makes it worse. But that doesn't work because he just hides it again... and again... and again! I tried sharing my stuff but he holds out, and I don't want him taking advantage of me either. For some time it seems as though everything is going well, he's opening up, he admits his problem and he sees I support him. I don't get emotional about it, I just tell him that its exhausting to go over the same thing over and over again. He says he will change but "his stash is always in his words "thrown out"". In the end I always get the same results and the same response “those aren't mine their my brothers” or “oh, I threw them out”. So now I have my stash and he has his. I just would feel better if he didn't hide it you know? After all there is nothing to be ashamed of everyone does it! I just don't want to do this for the rest of our lives. He is a man and I am a woman and this is normal and sexual desire is normal for “both” of us. He looks, I look, he fantasizes well guess what... I do too... like that is news! I respect that some things should remain discreet and I don't have high any expectations of him, just be honest and truthful just like most men have it and leave it. What's the problem here? For the first 3 years in our marriage we only did it monthly, which started it. For a long time I thought it was me, I know it wasn't and I am not jumping to conclusions I just think that he had a major addiction and it is getting better. All I am trying to do is understand him and support him. We had talk couple months ago (these talks are relatively short and from my heart…I don't want to impede or agitate an already sensitive subject, which also means I don't get emotional about it) and since then we have gone to stores together and I like to have him buy stuff for me. But for some reason he can't pick out a porn?

This all leads me back to my three choices (1) to change it, (2) accept it, or (3) move on. (1) Change it. I know I can't change it because I can not change him, but I have the power to change myself…how do you change your perspective on it? Or what can I change about myself to make myself feel better about the situation? (2) Accept it. I have no alternative but to accept it as it is, as he is? (3) Move on. Is it really that big of an issue that a separation/divorce can be a result. The hiding is the problem not the porn.

Thank you for taking your time to read my question and thank you for any helpful and constructive responses.

[jaden316]

So if I understand you correctly, it's not the porn per se that bothers you, but the fact that he hides it? Believe it or not, you do have a 4th option - ignore it. If it's the porn that's the problem, you need to sit down with your husband and express your feelings in no uncertain terms. Men have a way of drifting off when "feelings" get involved. Once you've said your peace, stop searching for a stash, and do you best to let it go. The ball with then be in his court and hopefully his conscience will guide him.

[asking]

He hides AND lies about it. I agree it's weird since the PO has given him every possible message that she's okay with it. Has he never admitted he used any of it?

Xoxa, How does he react to your "stash" of porn?

[xoxaprilwine]

He admits he has a problem with porn but not particularly the hiding part. I don't have a problem with the porn (unless it changes our sex life) just the hiding part. I find it dishonest and if someone is misleading me I am not sure whether to entirely trust that individual.

He gets upset when he finds my stuff, he gets moody and calls me a hypocrite I said oh really that's different huh? He never responds.

I think I just need to concentrate on other things this will never change. I was really hoping for a better answer but aside from that I am happy.

[asking]

That helps me understand him better. Still, it's unclear to me if your husband really hasn't got the message that the porn is okay with you, or if he is pretending to not get that message so he can continue to object to yours. I'm favoring the second, that HE's the one who is being hypocritical. But it could also be partly that he just loves having it be a secret, that that's part of what makes it exciting to him.

I went through something similar but different with a recent boyfriend. We had given up on the idea of a long term relationship (in part because I couldn't trust him) and he told me he was reregistering at a dating site and beginning to date others. It hurt me at first, but then I accepted it and I made it clear I accepted it, even though we continued in an on and off friends with benefits sort of relationship for a little while. I just wanted to know how far he was going with his dates. But although I knew he was seeing other women, he wouldn't ever admit that he was really dating, even though he'd told me he was. He kept telling me it was just social, that he wasn't looking for anyone. But, as I asked him, "Do your dates know that?"

No matter how open I was with this guy and easy about his dating, he continued to lie about it. He would downplay everything and leave things out. A dinner date and a concert was "canceled at the last minute" or "just a phone call." A second date was a first date that didn't go well, and so on. He just lied for no reason. After 6 weeks, I started dating myself and eventually met someone I cared about. I then told my ex boyfriend I couldn't stay in contact. He was upset and continues to write or call now and then, although I've tried to discourage him. I think I'm now one of the people who he uses to try to emotionally "cheat" on whoever he's seeing now.

Thinking it over, I think he just liked the thrill of lying to me and feeling he was in control of the situation, maybe he liked almost cheating without the guilt or risk of actually getting involved with two people, which would be messy, I guess.

Anyway, maybe porn isn't exciting for your husband unless it's a secret. Or maybe he wants to be able to object to yours. What do you think?

[Choux]

A word to the wise:

Don't pick on your husband!! Nobody is perfect, and his use of porn isn't effecting his real life responsibilities.

Forget about this and find yourself a hobby... broaden your life and enjoy! Talk about your new interests with your husband. Be an interesting lady!!


Best wishes, :)

[KISS]

Fact(s):
Guys are visual creatures. They like looking at women.
Hiding is bothersome to you.
The porn is all over the house.
You have a young child.
Husband is good otherwise.

Solution: (as I see it)
He has to put his toys away. Get him a toybox. A small file cabinet. Posibly lockable in the future.

Tell hubby, that the porn goes in this box when your done with it. If I find it in the same spot for 24 hours, I'm throwing it away. If it's in the box, I won't bother it. It's not good for our kids. It's not good for company to find it. I'll respect your privacy, but you have to put it away.

If you find it when he is home, ask him to put it in his toybox before he goes to bed. When your both in bed, get up and check. If it's there cut it up and throw it away, but don't make an issue out of it.

For the first month, if you find it, you'll put it back in the box.

It's a very simple compromise. A toybox. Put stuff back when your done playing.

[asking]

This wasn't about kids --one of which isn't even born yet--nor about the OP being uninteresting to her husband. These answers seem patronizing and not relevant to her concern, which is that he obsessively hides and lies about something she has told him directly he doesn't need to hide from her at all.

[excon]

Hello:

Even if I didn't need to hide my magazines, I would anyway. Who wants 'em laying all over the house?

excon

[asking]

I put away the dishes, too, so they aren't all over the counters. I even hide the dirty laundry basket sometimes. But that's different from telling my partner I never have any dirty laundry or don't have or use any dishes and she shouldn't either.

I agree that if he's wonderful in every other way, it may be just something that's very weird about him. But it is weird.

[smoothy]

Only a serious 20 something bachelor pad would have porn laying around.

With a child it would be prudent to hide it.

My recommendation is just deal with it. Unless the collection has grown to closet size. A box of private stash is nothing to worry or sweat over.

[xoxaprilwine]

smoothy, your right... it's not affecting our sex life! So until it does I will leave it be... and if it gets worse... really bad, then I think family counseling for him (and me) would be ideal... oh and if we ace it... a second honeymoon after! Keep it positive.

Thank you for your responses... I really appreciate the difference of opinions. :)

[Xrayman]

Mmm seems like this is the only issue with him-you have virtually nothing to complain about. The rubbish that my wife has to put up with on the other hand...


I think that the concept of a toy box seems brilliant to me-I think that will definitely work.

He is dishonest, but you have a stash as well? I'm not sure what this is supposed to "cure" or rectify?

Anyway,
I'd drop it, but then again, I'm not a woman or a wife for that matter.

Cheers.

[xoxaprilwine]

He can't have a toy box without HIDING it! The purpose of that is pointless, my simple goal is to have an open (not too open of course) marriage. I have my stash since he masturbates more then we have sex and what am I suppose to do sit there in heat? No, I have toys and I play on my time too so I don't go... well you know! I tried the toy-box concept. I can't get in a guys head and every other guy friend of mine thinks he's crazy.

I think as suggested this is nothing but a waste of energy for me and I need to focus it somewhere else, that's all. But it was really interesting to see the different objective points of view. Much appreciated from all.

[smoothy]

Well he shouldn't be polishing the knob while you sit there in heat. Now if you were brushing off his advances that would be a totally different thing.

[xoxaprilwine]

Is your head that far up your a** that you don't even hear what I am saying?

[N0help4u]

You are saying you love him but he has this one strange behavior that bothers you. You want him to be open with it and not hide or lie about it.
What reasons does he give you for hiding and lying about it?

You say he hides it BUT I am sure you MUST realize he DOES know you always do find it so in his eyes he is stashing it not hiding it. I agree with the others, get a box for him to put it in and when you 'find' it just put it in that box and don't make a big deal out of it.

[xoxaprilwine]

Non of the advise given was appropriate. You need to understand... its a secretive thing, like having an affair it releases certain feelings of "she has no idea" like adrenaline or something alike. But, I know what I am facing. We have arranged for some counseling for him for us and more importantly for myself. After meeting with us both, so far the counselor has raised this issue of a major concern and in confidence he said to me that it was abnormal behavior especially if it develops any further and can result to infidelity (especially if this is the only issue in our marriage). From his observation of me he said there shouldn't be a problem. Your young, attractive, extremely ethnic, sexually active, willing and able... open and ready to communicate. He also said that over the last five years of dealing with this amongst my career and all other stresses, I have developed what is called an anxiety disorder and body pain (I thought great! This is all I need).

Like I have mentioned in my previous posts, I have taken my focus off the situation and on to myself. I trust that this counselor will guide us both in the right direction or even just one of us. I have started up my art landscaping and abstract portraits for personal development, I have dedicated a room in the house for creative works with plants and animals. You would not believe the work coming from my hands... its amazing, I thought I lost it a long time ago. I have also started my nature trail expeditions for peace of mind and spiritual awareness. I now know that I needed time for me. Now that everything is in the air he is concerned, I took my ring off (so it doesn't bear as a constant reminder of us but so that I can go inwards and work on me first) and have requested for a brief separation... I need my time to think of me and my children. Again its only temporary, but I think we both need a break from each other. He is really upset and persistent about getting back together in September for our anniversary and he absolutely hates the fact that I am not spending time with him but I really need this time to gather the pieces up off the floor that I left behind and start fresh and get in touch with my roots. This is not just about him... this is about my life. I think once I have had some good time to reflect on what's important to me and he has the same opportunity we will get back together and work as a unit as it should be. But one step at a time. Thanks for the advise but my counselor advised me that the statements made herein where inappropriate and demeaning and I will not be participating in this discussion anymore.

[Xrayman]

Well that's just great. You ask for advice, you comment on the advice given in a negative manner, you get defensive an argumentative, then you say "I'm out, Ive had enough, the advice was inappropriate"... Holy mackerel, some people are hard to deal with.

Good luck,

Cheers. Thanks for dropping in.

[smoothy]

I'll second what Xrayman said. If you had all the answers to life then why did you need to ask for advice. A sign of maturity is to listen to advice even if you might not agree. An immature person will ask advice and discount what they don't want to hear.

Perhaps you will learn to listen what you don't want to hear before you make a serious mistake in life.