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AUTUMMATIC44 · Jul 17, 2008, 01:26 PM

I am a 27 year old female living in New Mexico. After searching my whole life I have found the man that is believed to be my father. We had some contact and at one point he agreed to take a dna test ( that I was going to pay for). He now is beating around the bush and I need answers after looking this long! What can I do? Can I get a court ordered dna test . If there is any advise please help! My mother died when I was 19. She had tried to locate him with no avail. At one point my mother was receiving state assistance and the state located him. He was asked for a blood test at the time and he agreed. But the state did not follow through. So wher does this leave me?

Fr_Chuck · Jul 17, 2008, 01:36 PM

No there is no way to force him.

stinawords · Jul 17, 2008, 01:43 PM

Sorry but the only person that could have gotten a court ordered DNA test was your mother while you were still a child. There are very rare cases that as an adult one was ordered but you have to have a life threating illness that is genetic and have proof of it. Otherwise it is up to him if he want to do it or not.

cdad · Jul 17, 2008, 07:06 PM

The more important question really is.. what are you going to do with it ?

What's the real purpose ?

AUTUMMATIC44 · Jul 18, 2008, 07:20 AM

My Answer To What Is My Real Purpose Is To Find A Part Of My Life That Has Been Missing For 27 Years. I Now Have 3 Young Boys That Have A Right To Know The Other Half! I Am Not Out To Take Anything From Him I Just Would Want His Friendship Or What Ever Kind Of Relationship He Would Allow. I Am Married And Have A Wonderful Life. I Don't Need His Finances. I Just Want To Have This Last Piece Of The Puzzle. I Only Want Some Contact With Him Or My Other Potential Family. And After All This Time I Think I Have Earned That Right! Don't You?:) ;)

twinkiedooter · Jul 18, 2008, 07:39 AM

Well, you found him, didn't you? If this is the person your mother says is your real father, then why are you trying to force him into a DNA test? He may shy away from the test thinking that you might try and come after him for back child support or something like that. If you are satisfied with who this individual is, then you need to mend your fences with him and explain that the DNA test would prove 100% - BUT you are willing NOT to have the test and accept him as your father so you two can build some sort of a relationship with each other. Then, the ball is in his court, and he will be able to decide if he wishes to go forward with the relationship. Maybe down the road in a few years he may change his mind about the test once he gets to know you better and can trust you more.

It's very hard on a person not knowing who their real parents are and I can understand your frustration in this matter. But look at his side of the story. Here's some lady who shows up claiming to be his daughter and wanting a DNA test. First off, he's going to be overwhelmed just meeting you for the first time. Then he's going to have to decide about the test. Take it slow and steady until he gets used to the idea of having a for real daughter in his life. He'll most likely change his thinking once he sees what a wonderful person you are and how lucky he is to have you and his grandsons in his life.

AUTUMMATIC44 · Jul 18, 2008, 07:54 AM

Yes I fully understand his position but he was the one who asked for the dna test in the 1st place then retracted. I am willing to go on without one but to overcome everyone's suspicion on whether he is was why I wanted to go on with the test. That way there was no question on whether I was his or not .he has denied me as his daughter for too long and I just want to set the record straight for everyone involved. I might have a younger brother, grandmother, grandfather and other family that question this as well. If I was in his position I would want to know for sure. Why continue without knowing for sure. There are some questions in everyone's mind. I totally understand where he comes from. But it would be wasting my time to build a relationship with someone that turned out not to be my father. My and my children's emotions are not something to be toyed with. And neither are anyone else's for that matter

JudyKayTee · Jul 18, 2008, 08:24 AM

Originally Posted by AUTUMMATIC44

yes i fully understand his position but he was the one who asked for the dna test in the 1st place then retracted. i am willing to go on without one but to overcome everyones suspicion on whether or not he is was why i wanted to go on with the test. that way there was no question on whether i was his or not .he has denied me as his daughter for too long and i just want to set the record straight for everyone involved. i might have a younger brother, grandmother, grandfather and other family that question this as well. if i was in his position i would want to know for sure. why continue without knowing for sure. there are some questions in everyones mind. i totally understand where he comes from. but it would be wasting my time to build a relationship with someone that turned out not to be my father. my and my childrens emotions are not something to be toyed with. and neither are anyone elses for that matter

No, you cannot force a DNA test on him. If he agreed and then changed his mind, that's his prerogative.

Your mother (as you know) could have forced this issue a long time ago.

Everyone here is trying to help you - no one is arguing with you, which is what you seem to think. None of the questions are out of line. Adults have actually posted they were seeking DNA testing and then the next question is suing the father for years-ago back child support. So the questions aren't out of line.

I personally would be less interested in setting any records straight and more interested in getting his positive ID for medical purposes for your children (or yourself).

N0help4u · Jul 18, 2008, 08:25 AM

Either you accept him as father or you don't establish a relationship with him.
What if you never can get a test and he is your father?
Nowadays it is common for people to have extended families such as step fathers and so forth so if you really feel a connection to him then why not accept him as at least a step dad or something?

AUTUMMATIC44 · Jul 18, 2008, 08:41 AM

You Are Right And I Am Not Trying To Argue With Any One I Am Sorry It Seems That Way . I Am Not Out To Sue For Back Child Support! If That Was The Case I Would Have Already Gone To A Lawyer. I Want To Do This A S Easy As Possible For Anyone Involved. And I Think If My Mother Could Have Found Him Before She Was Murdered She Would Have Done The Right Thing Just For Me And Him To Know The Truth. I Appreciate Everyone's Opinion!! I Am Just Wanting To Know If There Was Any Thing Else I Could Do. I Am Trying To Start A Relationship With Him No Strings Attached But Its Very Frustrating For Him To Not Accept Me As His Daughter. Its Always Being Brought Up By Him That I May Not Be. And I Just Want To Have Everyone Know That I Am. If I Wasn't I Don't Think My Mother Would Have Lied To Me For So Long. What Would Have Been Her Reason. She Never Wanted Anything From Him But For Me Not To Miss Out On Knowing My Father.

ScottGem · Jul 18, 2008, 08:45 AM

This is going to sound harsh, but you really have very few rights here. Its all up to him as what he wants to do. If he doesn't want a relationship, then drop it.

cdad · Jul 18, 2008, 10:48 AM

For one thing there is no DNA test that can " make " someone a father. Being a father, mother and parent in a child or adults life isn't programed into DNA its really about love and respect and caring. If you hold those values to be true then you can get a test anytime it shouldn't be an issue. If this is where the trail ends accept it. If your worried he's not the man then start slow and don't throw the kids at him calling him grandpa. Slow down.. take a breath. This man may not have the capacity to give what your expectation is to receive. Maybe just you both should take time to get to know each other before introducing him into the family you have for yourself. Its brave to want to seek out ones that you feel are your parents but sometimes its not what the fantasy is. Many parents have given up their young to closed adoptions and wish no contact. We don't know what his thinking is at this time. Maybe you just both need space to get used to the idea. Stina twinkie and judy and the others have all given great advice and as you see there are many ways to approach the same issue and still meet your goals. Maybe its time to step back and re-examine your methods and take a more relaxed approach. If your making offers ( carrot in front of the horse ) eventually they take a bite.

smokedetector · Jul 18, 2008, 11:16 AM

I agree with everyone here, DNA doesn't make a family, but at the same time, I can also understand your frustration. My advice would be to get in contact with the other members of his family. If your possible brother (or other family members) will consent to a DNA test, that can prove one way or the other if he was your father, indirectly. Good luck.

N0help4u · Jul 18, 2008, 11:36 AM

I'm not sure contacting another of his family would be good because that could cause a lot of fighting between them, the dad and her.

smokedetector · Jul 18, 2008, 12:09 PM

N0,

You're absolutely right.

The last thing you want, whether he is your bio dad, is to cause a rift in the family. Perhaps if you want to go this way, you should talk to your (possible) dad about it. Since he didn't directly say he doesn't want to know, offer to have one of his family members come down. That way he will be forced to either buck up and say no, I don't want to know, or will accept it. It all depends on his reasons here. If he is embarrassed or worried or something, he can find out without going through it, and if he doesn't want to know, you can have it straight from the horses mouth and can make the judgment on the type of relationship you want with him based on his reaction.

Thanks for pointing that out, N0.

AUTUMMATIC44 · Jul 22, 2008, 02:51 PM

Thank you guys for all you thoughts and I have reconsidered a forcefull dna test. Also just to let everyone know I have NOT told my children about me finding him. They are to young to understand all the technicalities of the situation and until I am ready and have everything situated out they will have no idea! It would not be fair to them. My (possible)father doesn't seem like a guy who has his head on straight anyway. So maybe I won't press the issue anymore. I just wanted some kind of answer on the situation. There's probably a reason he did'nt look for me anyway!!

jessirich · Jul 22, 2008, 07:09 PM

Originally Posted by AUTUMMATIC44

yes i fully understand his position but he was the one who asked for the dna test in the 1st place then retracted. i am willing to go on without one but to overcome everyones suspicion on whether or not he is was why i wanted to go on with the test. that way there was no question on whether i was his or not .he has denied me as his daughter for too long and i just want to set the record straight for everyone involved. i might have a younger brother, grandmother, grandfather and other family that question this as well. if i was in his position i would want to know for sure. why continue without knowing for sure. there are some questions in everyones mind. i totally understand where he comes from. but it would be wasting my time to build a relationship with someone that turned out not to be my father. my and my childrens emotions are not something to be toyed with. and neither are anyone elses for that matter

I know what you are going through. My father (potential father), was with my mother and he what was supposed to be ex wife at the same time, and Mom got pregnant, and soon after she found out, so did the ex wife. Well, the ex wife and him got back together and they denied me. He owned his own company and he had money, so when it came down to getting a blood test, Mom tried, but my dad's brother told mom that he had told him that he paid the people off to say that I wasn't his. Even though behind his wife's back he still brought gifts to me for my birthday until I was 6. He knew the truth, but hid from it. Now there is no way that I can have anything done because I am 21 and the court system already has a test saying that I am not his.

It is very frustrating not knowing the truth. I, like you, don't want money, I just want answers and to feel like I know the truth and have some kind of relationship with him and my other siblings. I wish the best for you! Please keep me posted if there is anything to do!

ScottGem · Jul 23, 2008, 06:27 AM

jessirich,

To avoid confusion by answering your issues in someone else's thread I've started a new thread here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/family...st-240686.html

You can go there for advice on your situation. Anyone wanting to resond to your situation should go there also.