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1927city · Jul 12, 2008, 05:59 AM

Threads merged

Hi all

I broke up with the ex a couple of months ago from a pretty serious relationship (we were going to move away together - she was in love etc). I never challenged her decision or put any pressure on her for anything - just said that I wouldn't try and get us back together... that was up to her. No external men were involved in this either.

Well after she asked that we be friends, she basically went into no contact mode. She's now graduated and left without saying goodbye and didn't even bother texting me happy birthday or good luck. We've not argued, or really been in touch since the break up - maybe seen each other 2 times in 2 months - hardly any contact at all. When we do meet there are no problems - we get on absolutely fine?

All seems completely unnecessary and very very harsh - she knows this will hurt me more than the break up.

My question is why? Its almost like some weird sort of mind game in which I'm being pushed to react? Completely unnecessary and very spiteful, especially as she knows I'm not going to try anything... why?

Through all of this I didn't bite or react (well at least to her anyway!) and have been in NC for nearly all of this time.

No goodbye, no good luck... no house keys (which my mate told me to expect from her best mate). Even had the gall to ask some of my mates to their graduation night out... some of whom went to say goodbye, some didn't.

Does annoy me immensely that people she hardly knows get to say goodbye and I don't even get that. Especially when she lied to my face about seeing me before we parted ways. It will be easier now she has moved - but I still would like some answers so I can move on:

> Is she lying to me and avoiding the whole thing?
> Is she telling the truth and quite simply is a cow?
> Am I likely to start hearing from her at some point down the line?

My guesses... and they are guesses are that:

> She's avoiding everything hoping that it will all just go away... and it won't.
> She's not telling the truth... or is at least telling only partial truths.
> That the minute she's down - the texts/ emails will start... 2 - 3 months time is my guess

Help - I'm going mad with confusion and whilst I'm not deluding myself that I still love her - she's bad for me and treated me shockingly and I'm fed up of this playing on my mind - its ruining my life and I want to feel good again?

J

N0help4u · Jul 12, 2008, 06:47 AM

My ideas on different reasons people say I want to break up but remain friends are

1.) They think it softens the break up and you will get over them easier
2.) They still have feelings and they want to make it easier on themselves too.
3.) They can wean away from you by feeling that since they said still be friends they are free to call until they do get over you
4.) They feel that it leaves the door open for if they ever do want to contact you again

The problem is that when the one that breaks up does this the one that doesn't want to break up tries to read too much into it and then ends up holding on to false hope while all the other is doing is stringing you along.

f104 · Jul 12, 2008, 12:45 PM

Nohelp4u I agree totally with what you said.

1927city I am going through exactly what you are at the moment. First my ex said she wanted out of the relationship and then the same day she said she did not want to breakup. She has told me twice over the last month that she would meet with me. I too thought I needed to see her for "closure" the truth is mate I do not. I also thought she was being cruel deliberately ignoring me espeically after she said she wanted to stay in contact. Mate we have no control over our ex and their actions. All we can do is move on as best we can.

For me closure really means one final attempt to get her back into my life. She made her choice and all I can do is accept her decision and move on as best I can. I am guessing that is really all you can do too.

talaniman · Jul 12, 2008, 07:50 PM

Isn't it amazing how our fears and insecurities, make our minds think of all kinds of conclusions.

She is doing exactly the right thing for HER to heal and move on with her life, without you. I would have given her the same advice had she posted here, to leave you alone.

You may be wondering why she has disappeared pretty much, let me set you at ease. She must have felt for you deeply and any contact/texts would have confused, and prolonged, this break up, and even though you may not be happy with the way its working, she is putting herself and her feelings before yours, and rightfully so. Just understand and accept it.

its ruining my life and I want to feel good again?

Read the 4 stickies, and The "No Contact Calender" at the beginning of this forum, and you'll get some insights, and suggestions, for getting back to feeling good. There are links to them in my signature. Let us know if they help.

1927city · Jul 13, 2008, 04:19 AM

You may be wondering why she has disappeared pretty much, let me set you at ease. She must have felt for you deeply and any contact/texts would have confused, and prolonged, this break up, and even though you may not be happy with the way its working, she is putting herself and her feelings before yours, and rightfully so.

This is the part that has set me back massively - I am only now starting to accept its over - deep down I know it is, but I have times when I can't help think about this as it doesn't make any sense - why freeze me out if she actually has feelings?

We broke up because of exam work pressures - I left her to work and she got gradually worse over the next few months with very little exposure or input from me (I pretty much just left her alone and gave her her space). Her friends told me she would get a bit like this when the exams approached (how little I understood) and even her best mate told me last week that she thinks that my ex knows we'd still be together if she hadn't acted so weird. Apparently she's now acting the victim for some reason?

That said she also said that the ex did not want to get back together and she is moving away for a new life / 1st job since uni (one that she had originally asked me to be part of) - my hope and fear (yes both) is that at some point she may realise that maybe there are still feelings there (actually I'm sure there are) and if she's down she will contact me.

I'm worried as I want her back but also know she's really bad for me and if she can do this for what is seemingly no reason (all of her friends have kept very close to me as they can't really understand her either) - she is likely to do it agaiin if we ever reconcilled.

So tough to try and get over her in this situation (10 weeks and I'm far worse now than when we split), but also fear for my sanity if she contacts me moving forward. I have a very strong suspicsion that she has decided on a course of action and that's it - she's doing it, convinced herself of it - even though it may not be what she actually feels. Apparently that's what she's doing with the move away with work - she feels she has to, parent and self pressure (in fact her parents don't pressure her at all but she sees it completely differently_ etc - but doesn't actually want to go.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not delusional - I have no doubt that what she wants at the moment is not to be with me, but she tends to convince herself of things - almost in this instance like she poisoned her mind against us during the stressful time and won't now relent and accept that perhaps some of the issues never actually existed... thats pretty much what most of her mates and I thought after we split!

Is this similar to other cases on here?

J

talaniman · Jul 13, 2008, 05:34 AM

I have learned to deal in actions, and not words as people can say anything when confused, or under pressure, especially well meaning friends who tend to have their own opinions, and the way they see things.

That is why most of my advice is based on the things that you can control, and do for yourself. Your healing will give you a chance to let the emotional dust settle, and then you can make decisions based on reality, and fact and not just feelings, and assumptions.

Despite all the analysis from you and friends, the fact remains she has been no contact, and so should you. Love yourself enough, as she has, to put yourself first, and cope with your feelings in a positive way, move on, and get a life that you enjoy, regardless of what she is doing.

No one can predict the future, or the actions of another, but face it from a position of healthy reality, and deal with it. Speculation does no good.

This is also good advice as you have written, not being happy with the way she treats you, which now seems forgotten, with the shock of being dumped.

1927city · Jul 13, 2008, 11:00 AM

Thanks talinaman

I do agree with what you've written but in moments of sadness (such as now) I feel so down that she:

> doesn't think of me at all
> that she's absolutely fine

And that essentially;

> I'll never hear from her again.

I am in NC and have deleted all ways I could contact her - however the fact remains that I didn't even get a goodby / goodluck or an opportunity to say it. If I never hear from her again, then it really will hurt even more than now... I already feel totally gutted.

I suppose I'm just desperate for her to contact me at some point - I would appreciate your thoughts as to if ex's do come around (particularly as there's no real reason for her to be angry or annoyed with me) - will I ever hear from her again?

:-(

talaniman · Jul 13, 2008, 12:29 PM

If you mean be friends, sure when every one matures, and gets over the emotional let down, its possible. But what is more in evidence, is that after healing, and moving on, most people who get dumped, find other things to focus on, and don't want to look back. Once you get busy with your life, you don't have time to really backtrack, but you smile at the memories, but life keeps us pretty busy. So shall it be with you too, I suspect, as healing makes you a very different person, a better person.

Right now your freshly hurt, and can't see further than your feelings, but in time you will. We all do!

1927city · Jul 13, 2008, 12:39 PM

No not really Talaniman... not friends, I don't think either of us really could be - she's my most serious relationship and I was prepared to leave my job, family and friends for her - I am her most serious relationship and her first true serious relationship too. We both agreed to be mates and the last 10 weeks have shown neither of us commit too it - maybe both protecting ourselves from each other - no arguing or pleading - just oddness and avoidance.

I am trying to focus on myself and if she does contact then I want to be in the position of strength so that I can be a viable option to get back with her (not like I am at the moment)!
I understand that if that did happen in the future, I may not want it - but at the moment I do.

I understand that I need to work on myself - but reassurance that this could or is likely to happen would help me through this part... at least I think it would!

From what you've read here - do you think she is likely to remain in NC, get over me and not contact me again - or is she more likely to stay in NC until she hits a down patch, remember the good times and reach out with a nothing text or such like?

J

talaniman · Jul 13, 2008, 05:35 PM

Do you think your hurt is to fresh to be objective?? Case in point, your whole post is about getting her back, and that's something you can't control.

You can control how you cope with this situation though, and what YOU do about it, so heal and see what comes next, without expectations and assumptions with the focus on you personally

talaniman · Jul 13, 2008, 05:56 PM

... not friends, I don't think either of us really could be - she's my most serious relationship and I was prepared to leave my job, family and friends for her -

That may not be a very healthy attitude, as she is the first so what do you really base those intense feelings on?? By the way, junkies say the same thing about there dope!

I am her most serious relationship and her first true serious relationship too.

She would never leave family, and friends, over you though, so not very equal in this relationship are you?

We both agreed to be mates and the last 10 weeks have shown neither of us commit too it - maybe both protecting ourselves from each other - no arguing or pleading - just oddness and avoidance.

Avoidance is good, as you can step back and let the feelings settle down and get over the shock of the end of a relationship and start to heal.

I am trying to focus on myself and if she does contact then I want to be in the position of strength so that I can be a viable option to get back with her (not like I am at the moment)!

And if she doesn't contact you then what, you would have waited for nothing and still be in even more misery and pain.

I understand that if that did happen in the future, I may not want it - but at the moment I do.

We all think that way for a while, until it dawns on us we just got dumped.

I understand that I need to work on myself - but reassurance that this could or is likely to happen would help me through this part... at least I think it would!

So you want to hold out for the false hope she will change her mind??? Sorry, not from me. I could be wrong, but she is gone and wants to keep it that way, and she just didn't wake up and say its over, she has been thinking of it for a while and your just finding out.

From what you've read here - do you think she is likely to remain in NC, get over me and not contact me again - or is she more likely to stay in NC until she hits a down patch, remember the good times and reach out with a nothing text or such like?

It sounds to me like so many who have come here hurting, and in shock, with false hope. It takes a while to accept what has happened, and try to deal with it. You are not alone, and in very good company.

MC12545 · Jul 13, 2008, 05:59 PM

Originally Posted by 1927city

Hi all

I broke up with the ex a couple of months ago from a pretty serious relationship (we were going to move away together - she was in love etc). I never challenged her decision or put any pressure on her for anything - just said that I wouldn't try and get us back together ...that was up to her. No external men were involved in this either.

Well after she asked that we be friends, she basically went into no contact mode. Shes now graduated and left without saying goodbye and didn't even bother texting me happy birthday or good luck. We've not argued, or really been in touch since the break up - maybe seen each other 2 times in 2 months - hardly any contact at all. When we do meet there are no problems - we get on absolutely fine?

All seems completely unnecessary and very very harsh - she knows this will hurt me more than the break up.

My question is why? Its almost like some weird sort of mind game in which I'm being pushed to react? Completely unnecessary and very spiteful, especially as she knows I'm not going to try anything ...why??

Through all of this I didn't bite or react (well at least to her anyway!) and have been in NC for nearly all of this time.

No goodbye, no good luck ...no house keys (which my mate told me to expect from her best mate). Even had the gall to ask some of my mates to their graduation night out ...some of whom went to say goodbye, some didn't.

Does annoy me immensely that people she hardly knows get to say goodbye and I don't even get that. Especially when she lied to my face about seeing me before we parted ways. It will be easier now she has moved - but I still would like some answers so I can move on:

> Is she lying to me and avoiding the whole thing?
> Is she telling the truth and quite simply is a cow?
> Am I likely to start hearing from her at some point down the line?

My guesses ...and they are guesses are that:

> Shes avoiding everything hoping that it will all just go away ...and it won't.
> Shes not telling the truth ...or is at least telling only partial truths.
> That the minute shes down - the texts/ emails will start ...2 - 3 months time is my guess

Help - I'm going mad with confusion and whilst I'm not deluding myself that I still love her - she's bad for me and treated me shockingly and I'm fed up of this playing on my mind - its ruining my life and I want to feel good again??

J

Oh boy... i know how you feel. Im going through the same situation. The differnce is that my ex would call me. You may think im lucky, but it hurts a lot more and truthfully its distroying me inside. Im going into my 6 nc day and im starting to feel a little better. It's a big process. Its just when she calls i start getting my hopes up again. So think about nc as a positive thing. Its her lost not yours.

1927city · Jul 14, 2008, 02:19 AM

Thx Guys

Still pretty bummed out.

She's moving even further away in a couple of weeks and its driving me mad that she's not contacted me at all. How can she just walk out and not even say goodbye? I feel she's now gone through the worst part and the rest will get better meaning I won't hear from her ever again. Doesn't help that when I last saw her she lied to my face when I said that I'd like to know if it was the last time I would see her as she insisted we would meet before she left.

My mind is messed up and I keep thinking that she doesn't even realise what she's done or care at all. I really want to send her an email or text to say bye but know I shouldn't.

Help?

J

talaniman · Jul 14, 2008, 05:50 AM

I really want to send her an email or txt to say bye but know I shouldn't.

I wouldn't do that. It will only add to the misery you feel.

1927city · Jul 14, 2008, 05:57 AM

No need to worry talinaman

I won't be sending anything - hence the deletion of ways to contact her - the only one left is Facebook and I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of me booting her off my friends list.

I use this forum to vent - to stop myself contacting her instead of doing something awful!

Deep down I know she's probably feeling pretty bad about how she's acted ovrt the past few months and in time will regret how she walked out without saying goodbye - who knows maybe she does now. Just hurts, particularly when I've been the bigger person all the way through.

It feels almost like I dumped her as she's playing the victim I understand.

I also have a set of house keys that as yet have not found their way back here... I suppose they're being held back if she changes her mind and wants to reinitiate contact - who knows eh?

Anyway, thanks for your help.

J

talaniman · Jul 14, 2008, 06:54 AM

Can't help but admire your attitude! You'll do fine.

1927city · Jul 14, 2008, 11:24 AM

..

1927city · Jul 15, 2008, 02:31 AM

Thanks today is not such a bad day - although as can be seen through this thread, I'm not always as measured.

I think ultimately that my ex has a number of issues that only she can resolve - I actually in the cold light of day think that she still loves me, got herself into a situation which she now can't or won't back down from or take responsibility for and will ultimately regret it. Hence the avoidance and complete unnecessary blanking of me - from everything to nothing in one hit: ouch!

I also realise that this may sound delusional too lol... but it is what my gut instinct screams to me whenever I think about it! My keys were supposed to be returned by her best mate... but weren't and she said she couldn't open her birthday prez (a ring) I bought her (about 2 months after her bday)... I was expecting this too - but again nothing... as yet.
It doesn't appear all sorted from where I stand (although I cannot be sure).

That's why its so tough as I am sure this is the case (her mates seem to think so too - although I wouldn't say mine do) - However, I know that the only thing I can do is nothing.

And that really is tough when you thought she was the one (well until she went a bit odd!)... and who knows where I honestly sit on her radar?

J

1927city · Jul 16, 2008, 01:45 AM

Hi

Just a very quick one.

Broke with my missus in Feb and after NC for 4 days we were back together and she confirmed she cried the whole time we were apart.

Well we split again in April - however this time she was completely different - agreed to be mates but nothing ever really materialised - it was NC with maybe 8 texts sent each over a 10 week period - proabably sent in 3 sessions? We never met up and in the end she decided that she didn't want to - I didn't argue or beg during the whole process with her.

Now we are properly in NC - which is kind of a relief to be honest as at least I finally know where I stand!

She's now left as finished uni and at home - she is moving even further away with work in a couple of weeks. I got no goodbye, no goodluck... no house keys! Not even a txt for happy birthday last week.

Question is... given this situation is she missing me at all? Part of me thinks yes as she's reacting too severely... but my mind plays tricks and other times I think no, I probably don't even cross her mind.

I wonder what likelihood there is that I will get contact off her in the future?

J

Romefalls19 · Jul 16, 2008, 05:29 AM

You are a lot better off without contact, you can finally say it's over and walk away. You can't sit around and wonder if someone is thinking of you or missing you. You may or may not get contact in the future, but this is the present and all we can control is the here and now