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timmy b · Jul 2, 2008, 03:49 AM

Let me start by saying I have read a few posts on here and I think I can predict the jist of what you will all tell me. I was with a girl for 2.5 years and just moved in 6 months ago. She has seemed a little down for a couple months and told me she thought we may need a break. Prior to us getting serious she confided a lot of problems that she had faced: commitment, abusive ex, body image problems. This appears to be a commitment issue. We picked out a ring and I was making the last payment on it this week. My brother is also getting married and she knew I was going to propose sometime after his wedding. The reason that she gave me is that she needs to get to know herself. She is planning on seeing a psychologist because she is unhappy.

I know the answer is to give her the space she wants. The problem is that she didn't ask me to move my stuff out, but how am I supposed to live a normal life with all my stuff there. On the other hand, moving everything out, which is a lot of things, seems to be forcing an issue that I obviously do not want. Any advice? Cut off all contact?

Distantlove · Jul 2, 2008, 04:28 AM

Leave your stuff there while she makes up her mind. And yes, avoid contacting her so she is able to make an honest decision. Let her know what its like to be without you. Leave it, if she comes back you its meant to be, if she doesn't, then that is the time to start moving your stuff. For now just leave it and try and focus on other things while she has her space. Try not to think about it too much and just go out with friends, do activities etc. If you take your mind off it then you will be able to live a 'normal life' in the meantime :)

Distantlove · Jul 2, 2008, 04:29 AM

And maybe you could just take some of your stuff? Like clothes and stuff that you need for a while, then leave the rest there whilst she makes up her mind.

timmy b · Jul 2, 2008, 06:58 AM

Thanks for the quick response. Obviously I am a bit worried, but space is what I will give her.

talaniman · Jul 2, 2008, 07:19 AM

She thought we may need a break

Define break, as the terms have to be clear, so you will know what to give her.
Then you will know if she just wants a few days, or move your stuff out break.. If she doesn't know, start packing.

timmy b · Jul 2, 2008, 07:31 AM

She won't give a timeline. I am assuming that since she is making an appointment to see a psychologist that it is not a two day type of thing. Her line is until she can be "100% sure about herself, she can't be 100% sure about the relationship." My fear is that she is not extremely close with her family and has a history of mild depression. So how is it healthy to cut off your main support system? I should add that we had what appeared to be a very healthy relationship. We barely fought. We talked often about the future and as I said in the first post, we talked about how I would be proposing soon. It just seems insane that my life was planned out two days ago and now I may be starting over from scratch.

JBeaucaire · Jul 2, 2008, 07:41 AM

The boyfriend mentality and the husband mentality are different things. You need to decide where YOU are in this paradigm and then follow it through from that perspective.

As merely a boyfriend, you get on with life and not allow the issues she's having and the desire to put your life on hold to rule you. You get your stuff, tell her to give you a call sometime when she gets back into her skin, and you go and enjoy all life has to offer. I know you love her, but wasting time on a girlfriend who is pulling away is time you'll never get back. So, even if things may work out later, you honor the break, get out, get YOUR life back on track to examining all possibilities for your own happiness. As merely a boyfriend, the most important person you need to take care of in this situation is you.

As a husband (I know you're not married, I'm referring to the mindset), you have a completely different set of values. You honor the wife's need for time "off", but you stay the course yourself for the two of you. You take on the role of captain for everything else and let her rest. Your love and commitment to her is clearly signalled and demonstrated while giving her the space she needs. She gets nothing from you other than supportive understanding and whatever help she needs. This is what a husband does. He bears all things. And when the roles are reversed sometime in the future, the wife does the same for him. You are each other's strength and consistency. As a husband(mindset), the most important person you need to take care of in this situation is her.

So, you have to decide who you REALLY are right now. Act on that, choose your role and follow it through.

Later, she may choose OPPOSITE from you, and that has to be fine, too. You still have to be consistent in your position, honest to yourself. The rest has to be what it is.

timmy b · Jul 2, 2008, 08:07 AM

Hey thanks again for responding. I can tell you with certainty that I am in the husband mindset. Should I only contact her in response to her reaching out? We did not have a bad break-up. She was really upset, she thought a break was best, and I got a few things and left. We talked a couple of times the next day. I told her that I was here and that I wished she would let me help. She said she needed to do it on her own and that she was sorry for putting me through this and that she loves me. So now, I guess it is time to sit back and wait? Is there an amount of time when I call and say, "Is it time for me to move out?" or if she is close to finding out what she wants?

talaniman · Jul 2, 2008, 04:02 PM

has a history of mild depression.

If there are health issues whether mental, physical, or emotional, you should be willing to go through this with her. Don't take this as personel, take it as a mission you must accomplish with supporting her being your job, win or lose.

She said she needed to do it on her own

You may have to give her space by being in the background, but ever alert to step up if needed. It can't hurt to wait, before acting on your own feelings. She needs the time. Sorry I can't give you a time table but 7-14 days is about when meds start having an effect, depending.

timmy b · Jul 3, 2008, 01:01 AM

Thanks again for your responses. It seems clear to me that I need to wait this out with her for a little while. Its been two days and I didn't contact her on the second. I have to admit that it is tough because I know she has trust issues and doesn't seem to be in a very stable place right now. This all leads me to think she will be willing to make an irrational decision and (as she does sometimes) convince herself that it was the right one. Basically, this is killing me. I know my previous posts were questions, but I figured I'd vent what I'm feeling.

talaniman · Jul 3, 2008, 05:54 AM

Venting is cool, waiting sucks. Stay focused though as this space is for her healing, and whatever comes of it, you have to deal with it, at least in the short term.

We also allow ranting, and raving for those who need to.

timmy b · Jul 3, 2008, 08:43 AM

Thanks for your answers. I will keep you updated on what goes on. This sucks.

jpm247 · Jul 3, 2008, 09:06 AM

Tough call Timmy,

Id say, try and give her some space to clear her thoughts. I know it does suck, as there is not too much you can do but ride this out. Give it a few days and see how she feels. You cannot be kept in limbo for too long though, as that isn't fair on you. But waiting does suck, try and keep busy during the next few days, maybe plan an outing with some mates for the weekend.

JM

timmy b · Jul 4, 2008, 08:34 PM

Update: I called the girl who I am on a break with today after not having any contact for two days. She picked up the phone and we had a brief conversation. I said that I was just calling to see how she was feeling to which she replied that it was hard and weird not waking up to and having that person to call and talk to all the time. She asked me and I said I'm hanging in, but this time is about her feeling better. She also told me she is calling Monday morning to set up an appointment with a psychologist. So I need some guidance here... Should I call again in a few days to see how she is so she knows I'm here or do I wait? I'm also assuming that I should not ask her whether she is close to coming to some sort of a decision. Being in limbo here is pretty tough, but I think she is pretty confused and the last thing I want to do is pressure her into feeling trapped.

talaniman · Jul 5, 2008, 07:48 AM

She also told me she is calling Monday morning to set up an appointment with a psychologist. So I need some guidance here... Should I call again in a few days to see how she is so she knows I'm here or do I wait?

I would wait until she has worked out her own details. This is a hard one for sure, but a brief call in a few days just to make sure things are okay, was my first response, but I'm honestly not sure if it would be the best course of action, so I have to ask how she sounded over the phone??

timmy b · Jul 5, 2008, 08:06 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I would wait until she has worked out her own details. This is a hard one for sure, but a brief call in a few days just to make sure things are okay, was my first response, but I'm honestly not sure if it would be the best course of action, so I have to ask how she sounded over the phone????

She sounded quiet. Very polite, but very subdude. She asked how an appointment I had went and said it will be too hard to talk every day so lets keep in touch every few days. As all of you tell everybody, everyone who goes through a breakup can get over it and move forward. I am scared that she will think "because I can get by without him, it is the right thing to do." She has had a pattern in her life of dating a guy, getting sort of serious, breaking it off, getting a little wild, and then starting the cycle over again. Of course she hadn't lived with any of the other boyfriends or had plans to marry. Also all of her friends and family said they had never seen her this serious with a guy and thought she had found the one who helped her get over her commitment issues. Again, she has some serious issues that need to be addressed by a professional, but those issues are making me believe that she is incapable of getting past her commitment phobia and over her issues of self-doubt and trust.

talaniman · Jul 5, 2008, 11:51 AM

That she is seeking the right help is a good thing, and if your up to the risks, hang in and see how this works out. Support, but don't stress, listen, but don't push!

Above all be patient, and objective. Do you have a trusted older person to confide in? Their council could help shed some insights on things.

timmy b · Jul 5, 2008, 12:24 PM

I do have an older person to confide in. The people I talked to are in shock. By all appearances, we were happy together. When I say that she has seemed depressed, it is not to say we were miserable. We laughed , we had fun, and it seemed like whatever she was trying to figure out in order to make her happy didn't have to do with me. They say to wait it out, but everyone seems to think there will be a time where I have to say, "ok, is it time for me to start to move on because you can't make up your mind?" It'd be easier if I treated her badly. I don't raise my voice, I support all of her decisions, and I try to remind her how much she has accomplished when she starts to feel down on herself. Not knowing what you did wrong can be a helpless feeling.

talaniman · Jul 5, 2008, 06:50 PM

Yes it can, and its really up to her what she does about it. Don't take it personally, and focus on her, as this is really her issue to deal with. All you can do is be in the background supporting her. There is no reasonable timetable I can suggest, but do what you must, to keep yourself strong, and patient for now.

It could help to do some online research yourself, especially the meds, if any she takes, or will take. You might get some insight that can help you.

timmy b · Jul 5, 2008, 09:54 PM

Thanks so much for the response. I appreciate hearing an objective opinion. I'm sure I'll be back for some more advice, but thank you again.