[cant breathe]

Well I suppose I should start at the beginning... Met a man at work around 6 years ago and the usual we hit it off straight away and became very good friends. He was in a long term relationship and had a daughter and I was married with two beautiful daughters. Through time the relationship progressed from friendship into something more for me, I knew I was cheating emotionally and was falling for this person. I believed he felt the same although at this time we never discussed it. Workmates could see the connection and asked frequently if there was something going on in fact anyone who came into contact with us when we were together either asked or assumed we were a couple. He left his partner as he said he was no longer in love with her and lived a single life for a while. During this process I was there to support him but again nothing was going on at this time. 2 and a half years ago the inevitable happened when we both admitted that we had feelings for one and other and we got together. I fell completely for him and decided that I had to end my marriage as I couldn't live the lie or deceive my husband any more. This was horrendous and my husband took and is still taking it badly, my daughters were also badly affected and its been so hard seeing the hurt and upset I caused. I kept going and tried to justify what I had done because I loved this man so deeply and believed he was worth it. Because of the way we got together we kept things quiet for a while but this started to put pressure on the relationship as after a while I wanted it to be out in the open and to have as normal a relationship as we could. He was reluctant to do this so it went on and on and built resentment. Well to get to the point things have been going downhill from Christmas last year and it all became a vicious circle of me looking for reassurance and him as I know now paying me lip service. Things came to a head 5wks ago and it ended. He told me that he loves me and is still in love with me but couldn't give me what I'm looking for as he didn't want another long term relationship. Now the BIG thing... after we split I have been told by a friend that he is Bi and has been seeing men behind my back. I have just collapsed as a person. I can't eat, sleep, look after myself or my beautiful girls and feel so hopeless and helpless... I loved and if I'm honest still love this man with every fibre of me and I don't know how to deal with it. As you already know I work with him in a very small office of only six people. I went back to work last Wednesday but to be honest I can't see me being able to continue as it's too painful to see him. I have had no contact with him whatsoever following the split and would l love never to have to see him again but I need my job, it pays for the roof over my head and looks after my girls. I feel I have ruined my life for this man and feel dirty and used given his sexuality... Part of me needs to confront him but don't know if I can cause it will only confirm my fears and I'm not strong enough... dont know what to do or how I can go on... Please help t

[eastcoast1]

Welcome "can't breathe" - After reading your post, the 1st thing that came to my mind were your daughters. I think you need to focus on them and yourself, you are putting all of your energy on this other man, and not on the only people that should matter which are your children and your husband. I understand that marriages don't work, but you didn't specify much about your marriage, was it unhealthy? How long were you married for? It seems as if you connected with this person at work, and you let your emmotions take over, vs. understanding that you were already in a marriage, with 2 daughters, the logical side of the brain.

This new person in your life seems to be an unhealthy infatuation for you, he doesn't seem to have his own life in order according your references of possibly being "bi"

Stop to think if this is someone you want involved in your daughters lives, use your logic, not your emotions.

You need to take some alone time with your family, to figure out what you want, and what's best for your children.

[liz28]

I feel sorry for your husband and kids because you left them because you thought the grass was greener on the other side. Now there rumor of him being bi. You need to do some soul searching and search deep inside for what you what but in the meantime spend time at least with your kids because its seem the divorce affected then a lot and you need to show them love, now you see and feel what the word "karma" means but we all make mistakes and learn from them you can always vent on here.

[Romefalls19]

WOW... Liz.. Harsh words.. but none the truer. I really can't feel sorry for her because you got tempted with grass being greener on the other side. Now you realized it wasn't, it hurt your husband and this is a payback in a way. This is why you don't get involved with guys from work, you made your bed, enjoy laying in it.

[cant breathe]

I do think of nothing else but my daughters, they are the only thing keeping me going just now. To answer the question of my marriage... it was not good and hadn't been since my youngest daughter was born. We met a very young age and I suppose just grew apart and getting into a relationship with this man was not a decision I took lightly, I thought it was the real thing. Karma well yes I suppose that's fair comment

[eastcoast1]

I think you know what you need to do from here on out, and I don't think anyone will tell you that the new man is going to be the wise decision. Your daughters should be your #1 focus, good luck

[JBeaucaire]

The morality issues aside, what are you focusing on now? What do YOU think is important for you to do now?

[cant breathe]

I am aware of the moral issues here and believe me if you knew me you would understand how much I have struggled with the guilt for my family but as previously stated I was not happy in my marriage and hadn't loved or been intimate with my husband for a number of years. Yes I believe that I thought the grass was greener and fell hook line and sinker because someone showed me affection and love. I'm guilty as charged but I fell in love and surely that's not a crime. People who get into relationships when they shouldn't aren't always bad people. My sole focus just now is caring and loving my daughters and trying to pick up the pieces of the mess I have made, getting through every day is a struggle just now

[Tribune17]

Hello can't breath! Mmmmm... this is tricky he works with you... can only suggest you try and take some time off a week or 2 just to be out of sight, and print off the piece written on here called " what to expect when you get dumped" it is a masterpiece" read it at least 15 times a day, while you are off, absorbe every word - it makes us all understand our crazy minds!

You must also take harsh realisation although I know it is very hard, but if this guy wants you he will be with you, whatever he says about still loves you, it is his way of letting you go/down gently he does not want you so think about this HARD REALITY - and try your best to absorbe this even though the emotion takes over your mind. Take advice from people above and concentrate on your kids they are your bond they are your life, they are your legacy not a small part of your life which has ended up a mess. Stop being a mess, and when you get back to work, treat this guy as if he is a WORK colleague ONLY - be polite but don't discuss personal things at all even the about the cat if you have one!! do not leave - why should you!! WAKE UP TO THIS you will make it easier for him - do yourself justice - go out shopping and just look good every day spend money on yourself BUT do not give in to him OR go for coffee, lunch, or for an evening date with him - he must be cast out for good, you have to do this for you and your kids. Your guilt about the marriage is in your past you cannot change this, but just be a good person especially for yourself and for goodness sake LOVE yourself first and then the world will love you too. One day you will wake up (YOU WILL DO THIS WE ALL DO) working where you are or where you enjoy and will look back and wonder what all the fuss is about. WHEN YOU ARE emotionally balanced again, and the past boyfriend is history then you are ready to say sorry to your husband, with compassion and admit you were sorry for messing up, you did it out of unhappiness, not cruelty. REMEMBER do this all for yourself first and then you can have your world back.

Good luck!

[liz28]

Tribute, I meanth to write I agree with your answer because it was so right.

Cantbreathe, I agree that we all make mistakes and you basically got involved with him because he was giving you things that your husband wasn't and you know already it wasn't right so I going leave past alone.

It's good that you'r spending time with your kids and I know that likes it. You need not worry about this guy because he don't want the same as you. You do things that you need to do to put your life back in order and leave this guy in the past. At least when you do get involved with someone next time you know it won't be with anyone from work. Keep busy, busy, busy, and in time you would hurt from the pain he caused you and what you caused to yourself.

[cant breathe]

Thank you Tribune and Liz for your comments. Don't even know how to start to pick up the pieces as I feel so bad and as for any other relationships in the future... no thanks I could never trust another word any man said. I trusted him when he told me he loved, wanted, needed me etc and look where that got me. I think finding out about his sexuality has shocked me beyond belief. I never ever suspected anything and it has made me fel inadequate and confused.

[eastcoast1]

Do you still interact with your ex-husband at all? Any chance of reuninting?

[igman]

I am not going to say "I told you so" but I will say that I understand about the condition of your marriage and that you should have ended it before getting involved with antoher man. Anyway, I agree that your focus should be on your children and perhaps reconciling with your husband if that is possible.

[cant breathe]

There is no question of a reconciliation with my husband. I thought long and hard about the consequences before we split and I knew I didn't love him any more. Not being with the man I got involved with anymore makes no change to the relationship I had with my husband, that relationship was emotionally finished a long long time before I got involved with the other person. We still talk and try to have a good relationship for the sake of the girls. He is a great dad and has a huge role to play in their lives and I support that 100%.

[liz28]

I don't think you should said that you would never trust a man words just watch what type of man those words are coming from and its normal to feel this way after a breakout but you will survive. He just played with you and took advance of you especially when he knew what you was not getting at home and you embraced it because you felt unwanted and like the attention from the opposite sex. He not even sure if he like males or females or just like having his ice cream with a cherry on top. You never know what the future holds so don't be stressed out for someone who not worth it.

[kmg79]

Take a deep breath and look at the real issues here. You and your girls. I know it is easier said than done, but you need to believe that everything happens for a reason and if the relationship is meant to be, it will be. You can't make others happy, unless you are happy with yourself. You chose to have your girls and they will always need their mommy. Focus on them and yourself and not on the failed relationship. Things will get better.:) :) :)

[cant breathe]

I try to tell myself every day that he took advantage and that I was vulnerable but ultimately it was my decision to get involved with him and good god am I paying for it now! Just wish the hurt would stop and I could start to function and breathe again.

[kmg79]

You will be surprised at how strong you can be. Redirect your focus to other things, spend more time on yourself and children, take up a new hobby. Try writing down how you feel. By all means don't let him come back begging for more you may end up in a worse place than you are now. If you don't find yourself in a better emotional state soon, I would suggest seeking the advice of a therepist or other qualified health care professional.

[kmg79]

Also, don't be so down on yourself, everyone makes mistakes. Think of this as a learning experience and grow from it.

[cant breathe]

Thanks KMG. There is no fear that he will contact me again, he was very clear that it was over and the sad thing is that I'm finding the fact that he won't try again really hard to deal with and I know, I know when I have my logical, sensible head on I ask myself why I would want to as I am far better off with him out of my life but unfortunately I can't just switch off the feelings I have for him and I hate myself for being so weak. I know I need to focus all the attention now on me and my girls and make life better for us but god it's so hard when he struts around the office as if nothing has happened and I'm sitting there dying inside