[Sikativ]

Even after I was the one to break up with my ex girlfriend, I was the one checking on her online things all the time (a little backwards right? ). Just avoid it, I'm having a little bit of trouble with my girlfriend now and I learned from my mistake and I am not looking at her online things anymore. I did at first, it was instinct it seemed, but now I feel a lot better that I have thought about things so I have gone back to doing my own thing.

I feel ten, maybe even a hundred times better than when she said "She needed some time".

[DR Ruth-less]

Good advice

[DR Ruth-less]

I know where Sikativ is coming from when she says she needs time... I have recently gone through the same thing with my ex girlfriend whom I still see on a regular basis by the way.

It was really hard in the beginning because I too was constantly checking up on her on Face book. It is soul destroying when you see that you lover(ex lover) is not as hurt as you are and you think that they are heartless.

At the end of the day I completely removed my profile. Trust me its tough but after a week or so you'll find yourself slipping back into your normal day to day routine.

In my case she eventually phoned me and told me that she misses me, and we've started seeing each other again.

Although I cannot say that things are any better than it was when we where seeing each other.
Deep down I know that this is temporary and that the current arrangement is an immediate comfort.

Be careful however as this is not the advice that I am givung but rather a set of circumstances that have played out in my situation and may very well in yours too.

Depending on weather you nip this in the bud now or hang on in the hopes that time will heal, do what your heart tells you, be strong and deal with things as they come.

I'm not one to tell people what to do, but I can share my experience and wish you well, no matter which path you choose.

[mrchef1110]

Well let me share with you what I went through.

This will get worse before it gets better. Your mind and body is going through the process of grieving and that being said you will go through a lot of stages in which your mind tries to rationalize what just happened. This may take a month or two, but believe it or not each day gets better and better. One day you will wake up not thinking about them and be ready to get on with your life.

Having just been through this
Keep no contact it helps immensely as you don't tear the scab off the wound the end of your relationship created.

Go see your best friend- that's what they are there for they will help you get your head in order. This one kept me sane after 2 weeks of obseessing about what to do to try to get her back.

When you are going through the steps of grief allow yourself to feel them and when you get there acceptance is probably the best stage to be in. As you will know you have no control over the situation and go back to going with the flow.

As for Facebook or myspace, don't look at it for a while check it once or twice a day but don't surf it as it will usually lead you back to your ex's page, been there myself, you might want to remove them from friends but you don't have to if you have enough will power and luck not to see the things they posted.


While these steps are what helped me go back to the relationship page and look at all the stickies at the top those also will help a lot.

[vivia12]

Hey Dr. :)
Could you tell me how long were you on NC (no contact) just curious, me its been almost three months, I wouldve heard omething by now.
Hold strong,Lilyloo,I block mine from MSN,cant stand it,lucky he's not on Facebook,I checked.

i know where Sikativ is coming from when she says she needs time... i have recently gone through the exact same thing with my ex gf whom i still see on a regular basis btw.

It was really hard in the beginning because i too was constantly checking up on her on Face book. It is soul destroying when you see that you lover(ex lover) is not as hurt as you are and you think that they are heartless.

at the end of the day I completely removed my profile. Trust me its tough but after a week or so you'll find yourself slipping back into your normal day to day routine.

in my case she eventually phoned me and told me that she misses me, and we've started seeing each other again.

Although i cannot say that things are any better than it was when we where seeing each other.
Deep down I know that this is temporary and that the current arrangement is an immediate comfort.

Be carefull however as this is not the advice that i am givung but rather a set of circumstances that have played out in my situation and may very well in yours too.

Depending on weather you nip this in the bud now or hang on in the hopes that time will heal, do what your heart tells you, be strong and deal with things as they come.

I'm not one to tell ppl what to do, but i can share my experience and wish you well, no matter which path you choose.

[Lilyloo]

Lily, perhaps wishing him well IS what you want, especially for your own heart's healing. He's moved on and is working on his future...

Ask yourself HONESTLY, do you want him to be unhappy? Truly? I bet you don't.

When you can sincerely wish good on those who you feel have hurt you in some way, then you are an excellently mature and deserving person on whom much good will descend.

Count on it!

No, I don't want him to be unhappy. He has actaully been unhappy in his life for quite a while now due to situations at work (he's in the military) and things with his family. In some ways, I think that affected our relationship. There have been many times that I have thought... I would love to see him and know him when he is truly happy in his life. He has seemed so angry at the world and I don't want that for him. I always tried to be there for him and listen and be understanding about his problems. Guess it was just a bit of a shock to see that he is now "blissful" without me when I was so good to him. Makes me feel like I didn't matter that much I guess and that I'm somehow easy to forget.

[Lilyloo]

Tough lesson to learn. I've said it over and over :)

Don't go looking for info about people, don't even go looking near people where you might accidentally find info. Your mind is going to be going nuts now thinking about it, and you dont need that. Thats the entire point of NC

I know. The thing is, I don't look at his page or his comments at all. The mood updates are in an entirely different category and I go there to see what my other friends and family are up to. Guess as long as I have him as a friend on my page, that's the risk I am running. Seeing something I don't want to see. Even when we were dating, I barely looked at his page because I didn't want to misinterpret something. I can't bring myself to delete him though... so maybe I will just delete my acct.

[Lilyloo]

You sure enough set yourself up for that one. Lesson learned?

I didn't look at his page... :)

[talaniman]

Hey I'm old school, and we didn't have computers back then, so you couldn't check someone's mood online.

[talaniman]

Can I be honest for a second. The idea of healing, and moving on requires a lot of work, and some pain. It also requires no contact with the ex. Anything less will slow the healing process down quite a bit. Sorry, wish I could sell you a few pills for your heartache. With time and experience, you'll learn to cope with your feelings, and what life throws at you much better.

[Lilyloo]

:confused:

So... some of you may know my situation wth my ex from my other posts. I hope you can give me some more great advice because I am so confused right now and hurting... :(

My boyfriend who I was absolutley crazy about broke it off with me a few weeks ago, saying that he just didn't think he could handle a GF right now, and that he "just wasn't the guy for me". This was after months of dating, where I thought he really cared for me and I thought things were progressing. I was and am still devastated. So after he told me that he just wasn't sure about us, and that he didn't want a GF, I backed off completely and didn't contact him at all. This was about 3 weeks ago. It killed me not to contact him, but I figured I had to move on. I didn't want to chase him or prolong the hurt. I have been hurting very badly these past couple of weeks not knowing exactly what went wrong. I was starting to feel the tiniest bit better last weekend, when he drunk texted me late at night to tell me he missed me. As confused as I was after that, I still did not contact him this week.

Then, this past Friday night he starts texting me about 6 or 7 pm asking me if he had texted me over the weekend and what did hs texts say and were they bad? He knew he had texted me! I felt like he was fishing to see how I felt. So I was short with him, not rude just indifferent. Then he wanted to know what my plans were for the night, and could we hang out later? On the one hand, I was so happy to hear from him, but on the other I felt sick to my stomach... like here we go again. He confuses me so much. I don't think he knows what he wants. I know he cares for me still, but I know he doesn't want a relationship right now. It hurts me, that he thinks he can just pop in and out of my life on his terms. It's so unfair! Does he not know how much I love him? Why can't he consider my feelings? I don't know what to do. I don't want to be his "friends with benefits" girl, which I suspect is what he is hoping for. Why won't he let me be if he doesn't really want me? Should I just ignore him or tell him that I love him too much to be in a random situation with him? I am so confused... I do love him. He is turnng out to be not the person I thought he was though. He is being very selfish right now. Still, I have this confusion and feelings that I don't know what to do with. Don't know if I can stay strong and not see him if he contacts me again.

[bigbird213]

All too often the people who dump us change into people that we hardly recognize after a short period. The good news is that many times this makes it easier to get over the person and see who they truly are (now).

Personally, I don't think that you should respond to him. If you must, tell him that you aren't ready to be talking with him again and get yourself back to being better. You noticed that you were feeling better - so just imagine how much better you could have felt if you kept that feeling going...

[liz28]

Ignore him, when he send you a text don't even open it, delete it. If he calls don't answer.

For closure you might can let him know how you fee, but don't listen to what he has to say.

Continue on with your healing and let him mess you up by opening up all wounds, your then going have to start all over with no nc and it could be harder. If you think that all he wants is friends with benefits, then your instincts are right. Just stay strong and leave the past in the past because I know you don't want to relive the pain he cause. Just curious, what does he say or ask?

[JBeaucaire]

Texts are just little LAND MINES thrown into your life, aren't they? Cell phones have royally screwed with people's boundaries. I didn't have to deal with any of these convenient little spears to my heart when I was growing up.

I truly, truly hate cell phones. (OK, speech over).

He's not confusing at all. You've had time to absorb his "demands" on how he will let you in his life as long as you don't mind it being nothing serious. It's all about him. He's rudely and insensitively testing your waters to see if you're ready to give in.

Are you?

[DR Ruth-less]

hey Dr. :)
could you tell me how long were you on NC (no contact) just curious, me its been almost three months, i wouldve heard omething by now.
hold strong,Lilyloo,i block mine from MSN,cant stand it,lucky he's not on facebook,i checked.

I was on NC for about a month.
Each person is different I guess, but keep one thing in mind. While I was NC I had resolved myself to the FACT that I was never going to hear from her again.
It is such a gamble because as much as you want that person to contact you he/she may be applying no contact too. And I'm afraid it is at this point when you truly just need to let go. No one wants to be the one who gives in, especially if your gut feel is one of doubt.

Yes there is also the point of view that one needs to follow your heart, SO it is with this in mind that I remind you that mine is not advice, but rather a opinion or a situation to which I can relate... At the end of the day it is YOUR choice to make, and when you make that choice accept all consequence good or bad.

Ask your self the question, is it the person that i love, or the feeling of being a part of something that you love. Sometimes we have a void in our lives that is filled by a person.
Keep yourself busy with something else for a week, make plans with friends so you litteraly have no time for any thing else and stick to those plans... all be it origami or finger knitting... anything!
Then ask yourself that question again!
I wish nothing but love to all who seek it. And to those who find it savour every moment. It is a scarse and fleeting thing this love.

[starlite1]

I was on NC for about a month.
Each person is different i guess, but keep one thing in mind. While i was NC i had resolved myself to the FACT that i was never going to hear from her again.
It is such a gamble because as much as you want that person to contact you he/she may be applying no contact too. And im afraid it is at this point when you truly just need to let go. No one wants to be the one who gives in, especially if your gut feel is one of doubt.

Yes there is also the point of view that one needs to follow your heart, SO it is with this in mind that I remind you that mine is not advice, but rather a personal opinion or a situation to which i can relate..... At the end of the day it is YOUR choice to make, and when you make that choice accept all consequence good or bad.

Ask your self the question, is it the person that i love, or the feeling of being a part of something that you love. Sometimes we have a void in our lives that is filled by a person.
Keep your self busy with something else for a week, make plans with friends so you litteraly have no time for any thing else and stick to those plans...all be it origami or finger knitting.... anything!
Then ask yourself that question again!
I wish nothing but love to all who seek it. And to those who find it savour every moment. It is a scarse and fleeting thing this love.

Excellent Advice Dr. Ruth-less!

[Fixer12]

Please trust me when I tell you this. NC is a good thing! It may seem evil and hard right now, but it is all for a reason. Would you rather talk to your ex everyday about their new people and happiness in their lives? Would you want to go online and see one day that they posted a new picture of themselves and they look better then ever? Or Happy with out you/

Bottom line NC is super hard, it gets easier everyday you do it. It's like breaking away from a drug... your brain will search for that feeling that you got from them. You find yourself looking at their myspace/facebook. That's why we tell you to get rid of them.

The reason we do tell you this is like what Ruthless said above... we have gone through it and we see the mistakes we made, and we don't want to see you make them either. I know I personally should have stuck to NC back in November... but it's already June! And I still only get to about a week before I break down and reply to her... it's about commitment. Things get better if YOU want them too... no one is telling you that you have to feel bad. The only one who is is your ex... cause it makes them feel better when you are down and they aren't. Be strong! NC is usually the best.

[brkfstatiffs]

Well the thing is, if you've read my other posts...I'm trying to deal with my boyfriend dumping me about a week ago after becoming distant witihin the last month. We got along very well, I thought things were progressing then he says that he can't juggle a GF with all of his problems...has too much going on, etc. This was after being together for a few months and after meeting his family and becoming close. Bam, he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

So, i haven't been contacting him...in fact he texted me over the weekend that he "misses me" and really screwed up my head. The thing is, and I know this is not good....he is still one of my friends on my myspace page. i know that sounds juvenile, but I only keep my page because it's a great way to keep up with friends and also my brother who is out of state. Anyway, I haven't been looking at his page, but i do look at my friends status updates, and he changed his tonight to "blissful". Oh ****ing great! I am sitting here with my heart in pieces, barely making it from day to day and he left me in the dust and now he is blissful???!!!!

I know, I know, what else should I expect right? I was so good to him, and he just threw me away like nothing. I wish i could turn off my feelings. :( :(

Sounds like my ex. I think the thing with guys is that if they don't know EXACTLY what they want out of dating/ a relationship... putting a title on it can also do the reverse and scare them away. Or possibly there is another girl? That would only be if you guys were dating a few months though. Go with your gut on that one.
Give him his space, and in the meantime keep yourself busy, don't reply to his texts, take a trip away with your girlfriends and realize there are other men out there. There is a reason he is being this way... have you asked him?
I say delete him on your myspace, I delt with some online stalking with my ex and it was not cool. Plus if you check his page constantly you will get all worked up over something that is probably not what you think it it.
Move on to new men!

[vivia12]

Sorry to keep bothering you Dr. Ruth-less,I do like your name!
How did you resolve that you'll never hear from her,its hard for me to accept that even though its been that long,well.its not a year yet,but by then I'll shoot myself if I don't get pass this by now.
Also why would the ex apply NC when the were the ones who crapped on you so to speak.

I was on NC for about a month.
Each person is different i guess, but keep one thing in mind. While i was NC i had resolved myself to the FACT that i was never going to hear from her again.
It is such a gamble because as much as you want that person to contact you he/she may be applying no contact too. And im afraid it is at this point when you truly just need to let go. No one wants to be the one who gives in, especially if your gut feel is one of doubt.

Yes there is also the point of view that one needs to follow your heart, SO it is with this in mind that I remind you that mine is not advice, but rather a personal opinion or a situation to which i can relate..... At the end of the day it is YOUR choice to make, and when you make that choice accept all consequence good or bad.

Ask your self the question, is it the person that i love, or the feeling of being a part of something that you love. Sometimes we have a void in our lives that is filled by a person.
Keep your self busy with something else for a week, make plans with friends so you litteraly have no time for any thing else and stick to those plans...all be it origami or finger knitting.... anything!
Then ask yourself that question again!
I wish nothing but love to all who seek it. And to those who find it savour every moment. It is a scarse and fleeting thing this love.

[Fixer12]

Well vivia. I know this question is directed towards Ruthless but the thing is they too are trying to heal. Just because they left you doesn't mean they don't hurt. Even though they seem to act that way. Sometimes they find it easier just to let go, just as we do. Everyone does things for a certain reason... I guess it really depends on your position. Also some people get the idea's in their head that "well they aren't talking to me, so i don't want to talk to them." Kind of immature and selfish, but we all do it.