[lissybee]

I am engaged and about to have a baby with a really wonderful man. However, ever since we got engaged, his parents have been acting out in ways that I take as rude, personal digs against me. My fiancé says that this is all in my head and they mean no harm. So I don't know where the problem is arising, or if I am just being too sensitive. When we come over to visit, they will be so excited to see him, and then say "oh, and you brought a girl with you." They have been consuming all of his free time to work on their boat, even though we are trying to sell our condo and buy a house, and this is hindering our progress. They had really been pushing for us to marry in a church, when we clearly expressed that was not what we want. Also, we are on complete opposite sides of politics, and they are always bringing up issues. When they do this it either makes me really uncomfortable, or express my opinion and they get mad and make me feel like a complete idiot. When I addressed these issues with my fiancé, he spoke with his parents. His mother proceeded to say that she felt like she's not gaining a daughter in law, but losing a son. And his father is making him feel guilty about all the trips and time they missed together while he was growing up. So now he wants to go on a three day trip to PA with his father. I will be 6 months pregnant, and not too happy with him leaving me for a weekend. I just don't know if this is where it ends, or if they are going to keep intruding in our relationship and making me feel like I am of lesser importance to him than they are. I am scared to marry him with these unsettling issues. When I talk to him, he seems really hurt. What should I do?

[sylvan_1998]

Oh... do I have inlaw (outlaw) stories to tell...

But besides that, it sounds as if they are passively aggressive. If you make a big thing out of this to your fiancée... he will be pulled, torn and confused. Even though you are right, they are wrong, as Dr Phil says (oh that pains me to quote him) do you want to be a right fighter?

Be nice and cordial. If their plans contradict with what needs to be done with yours, just ask your husband to put you on the priority list, when it will get done, and hold him to it. He will then be pulled by them and not you. Be nice and be cordial and avoid those conversations, smile and sit quietly (which is hard for me). If you do speak, be very non-committal. He will notice and then you can have a talk about how when you are open, how they make you feel. And that you don't want to feel that way, you want to maintain a relationship with them for him, and this is the only way you know how. Smile a lot, offer to help, keep busy during visits.

A little planning for some whitty and pointed comebacks will help. "So you brought the girl with you.....Yeah, I am the vessel for the grand baby right now." Next you can say, no breast no baby... we come as a pair. And so on...

I at this point do not speak with mother in law unless spoken to. My husband notices more of the digs at me than I do. He is not strong enough to confront her and quite frankly we both know it would not do any good but give her more of a cause to be a martyr. And now I have to force him to go and see her, Force him to plan a vacation for the kids to see her and force him to send her birthday, mother's day and christmas gifts.

So you see with patience you will rise to the top... Besides... remember how whacked your hormones are with being pregnant and all.

[JBeaucaire]

You're not imagining any of it. It's not your fault. And you may be powerless to affect a change for the good in any way. I am sorry, but you are choosing to align yourself familially with a man who isn't putting you first in ways you need.

Make sure that's OK. I'm no fan of ultimatums. But they serve their purposes.

When he gets back from his trip - "I love you. I will defend you and our child from anyone or anything that would cause you harm. Do you believe that? Yes? Good. I usually feel that way about you except in one area - you do not protect me from the strong ill wind your parents blow in my direction. You do not defend us when they attack you inappropriately and you do not defend me.

"That has to stop. If you want us to continue, I need to know you can be the man-protector this family needs. If you can't protect us from something as simple as in-law angst, then how can I know you can handle the really big issues."

"I'm putting this in your hands and will wait until the baby is born for a solution. After that, I cannot promise you your parents or you will like how well I can protect my child from them. I'm not scared to do it, please don't make me have to do it."

"But look at me and know, as deeply as I love you, I will keep my family away from evil."

[ang8318]

My mother in law and I have never seen eye to eye, from when my husband and I were dating, until now when I had her first grandchild. I have talked to my husband about it, because she criticizes everything I do and do not do, and feels the need to point out every mistake I make. Anyway, the way I handle it is I only speak when spoken too, my husband has agreed to tell her very little about our life, that way she has nothing to criticize, I do not answer the phone if it is her, but I am respectful to her as I would never want to put my husband in a bad position of choosing me over his mother, she is his mother, and I would hate if my son did that to me. Hang in there, and congrats on your pregnancy.

[danielnoahsmommy]

Mother in laws can be a problem. I would love to say I am put before my mother in law but it is not the case. You have a choice break up or deal with it. He will not change his views of his parents and where he stands in their lives. He may say he will change and he will try. But lets face it she is her mother.

Can you ignore her behavior for the better good of your family?

I have a difficult motherin law and I just listen to what she says and let it go when I leave and yes her to death. And for the sake of your marriage you can decide will you fight or will you play the martyr.