[theconfusedguy]

Ok this is my situation. I have looked at many forums and read many of these q & a's but figured each person has a unique instance. I have been with my girlfriend now for 2 1/2 years. She recently told me she loves me but isn't in love with me. We are also no longer boyfriend girlfriend we are now dating. She says that she doesn't know if she wants a relationship with me or if she just wants to be alone. She is also going through this crisis of thinking she is getting too old, being that she is about to turn 25. She has been going out a bit more with friends and partying. I have came out and asked her if it's another guy and she has told me no. She has hung out with a single guy and she has told me he is cute and funny, but she doesn't like him because he is also arrogant. So as you can see she tells me the truth about things when I ask. So I do believe her when she says it's no one else. It's really odd though that sometimes we act just like boyfriend girlfriend and then there are days that we don't get a long as well. See I don't know if maybe this is a commitment issue because she feels she is getting old and can't go out like she use to. I don't know if she is putting me on the backburner and waiting for someone else. I really don't know, she says she is confused right now and can't tell me what she wants because she doesn't know. She says 60% of her wants to be alone, and 40% wants me because I'm a good guy and treat her good and she does care about me. It's really hard to read the signals because some days she is like we use to be, and some days she isn't. She wanted to change her myspace to show she is single but yet keeps me first on the list , etc. She answers my calls when she is out with her friends and doing her thing or returns them in a responible manner, but she has ask me to not as call as much so she isn't always on the phone with her friends. This is something I'm working on but when you are hit with the news like omg she is single and out with other guys it wears on you but I'm getting much better. I just don't know what to do. She tells me I have nothing to worry about right now, she isn't looking, and it seems like she is dating me because she thinks there might be hope or something that will change her mind. She says she doesn't know when she will know at this point, and we can date and still do boyfriend girlfriend stuff but she just wants to turn it down or basically hit a reset button and restart. She doesn't really know if she wants to include me in her activities because I really don't party as much as she does but not because I don't want to it's just because I'm in college and trying to focus on preparing for the future. So I have been trying to convince her that she needs to put away that image of me and give me a chance to go out and hang out with her like we use to in the beginning. So she goes and hangs out with friends and so on but now it just seems like an issue because there isn't an "official" girlfriend title but like she said her word should be good enough. It's funny because she states stuff that is known but not mentioned. Example, well I can't promise you that someone might come along and we just click but I'm not looking. Well that is true even if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, I'm not silly and know that just don't want to hear it said. Lol. It makes it seem like she wants to unravel it all and re-establish rules. It's just a big mess and any advice would be helpful. I'm wondering if this is a commitment issue being that I will be done with college soon and prepared to move in the relationship? I'm wondering if she feels that in the relationship she can't party or do the things she wants? Is this a product of her feeling that turning 25 is old? Is it possible to actually be confused and not know what you want? I mean I don't know the fact that she wants to try or be with me in some form gives me hope and I just want to fix this and be there for her the best way that I can. Any advice would be appreciated.

[touch107fm]

Ok this is my situation. I have looked at many forums and read many of these q & a's but figured each person has a unique instance. I have been with my girlfriend now for 2 1/2 years. She recently told me she loves me but isn't in love with me. We are also no longer boyfriend girlfriend we are now dating. She says that she doesn't know if she wants a relationship with me or if she just wants to be alone. She is also going through this crisis of thinking she is getting too old, being that she is about to turn 25. She has been going out a bit more with friends and partying. I have came out and asked her if it's another guy and she has told me no. She has hung out with a single guy and she has told me he is cute and funny, but she doesn't like him because he is also arrogant. So as you can see she tells me the truth about things when I ask. So I do believe her when she says it's no one else. It's really odd though that sometimes we act just like boyfriend girlfriend and then there are days that we don't get a long as well. See I don't know if maybe this is a commitment issue because she feels she is getting old and can't go out like she use to. I don't know if she is putting me on the backburner and waiting for someone else. I really don't know, she says she is confused right now and can't tell me what she wants because she doesn't know. She says 60% of her wants to be alone, and 40% wants me because I'm a good guy and treat her good and she does care about me. It's really hard to read the signals because some days she is like we use to be, and some days she isn't. She wanted to change her myspace to show she is single but yet keeps me first on the list and etc. She answers my calls when she is out with her friends and doing her thing or returns them in a responible manner, but she has ask me to not as call as much so she isn't always on the phone with her friends. This is something I'm working on but when you are hit with the news like omg she is single and out with other guys it wears on you but I'm getting much better. I just dont' know what to do. She tells me I have nothing to worry about right now, she isn't looking, and it seems like she is dating me because she thinks there might be hope or something that will change her mind. She says she doesn't know when she will know at this point, and we can date and still do boyfriend girlfriend stuff but she just wants to turn it down or basically hit a reset button and restart. She doesn't really know if she wants to include me in her activities because I really don't party as much as she does but not because I don't want to it's just because I'm in college and trying to focus on preparing for the future. So I have been trying to convince her that she needs to put away that image of me and give me a chance to go out and hang out with her like we use to in the beginning. It's just a big mess and any advice would be helpful. I'm wondering if this is a commitment issue being that I will be done with college soon and prepared to move in the relationship? I'm wondering if she feels that in the relationship she can't party or do the things she wants? Is this a product of her feeling that turning 25 is old? Is it possible to actually be confused and not know what you want? I mean I don't know the fact that she wants to try or be with me in some form gives me hope and I just want to fix this and be there for her the best way that I can. Any advice would be appreciated.

Mate this is so weird. I am new to this site (as in the last 10 min) and I was just about to write a message very similar to your. My girlfriend / ex gave me the whole crap of being confused yesterday. I have sort of know it for a while that she has not felt the same way about me as I felt about her...
All I can say to you is do not contact her... This is the golden rule...

Look you are probably going to say to yourself nobody understands the situation but you and your ex but trust me everybody goes through it. I am right now. All I can think about is her. Why do you think we are on such websites, I live in london with my mate and if they new I was on this forum they would probably go to town on me.

So do you really want her back.. do you think it will be the same after all this.
You need to ask yourself is she worth the stress. If you ask me the same question I would say yes but deep down I feel no. .
Look its her loss I don't know you I don't know what type of guy you are etc but you should try and make yourself a better person from this. Try new things, do something different.

Right back to the golden rule. WHY should you not contact her!!
She is confused not you, let her chase you or wonder why have you not contacted her.
Do not answer her calls all the time, let her stress it out for a bit. It may work it may not.

Well let me know how you get on. My girlfriend is very confused but I got the nail in the coffin this morn she sent me a text saying she told her parent we spilt up, Yesterday she told me we where on a break... Screw that. Time for me to delete all numbers all emails and close my Facebook account.

Women...

[Shakedown24]

Welcome to the freaking club man. Follow in my footsteps (my ex dropped the bomb on me 2 days ago) and realize she is not worth your time or commitment. Focus on bettering yourself and don't stand for this "confusion" crap.

[theconfusedguy]

Yeah I feel you. I know there has to be someone out there who feels the same way. You know it's weird I mean she tells people she is single but mutual friends and close friends know we are dating. Her brother still knows that she lives with , etc. I'm going to try to back off and let her chase me. Either it will work and she will wonder about me or it won't work and then I just have to wise up to the truth. I'm trying to work on me and getting back into that mindset I had when we first started. Figure if I get back to the guy that I use to be instead of the guy relaxed and comfy in the relationship then I can spark an interest. It's crazy though it really is cause we are going away for the Memorial Weekened. Isn't that funny? She wants to be around me and this and that and doesn't know what she wants but is going away with me for a weekened. See this has been going on for about 3 weeks which is why I'm like OK this is such a mess. She wants all the perks of a relationship but doesn't want the responsibility. See I think she is worth the wait and that's why I'm on here searching for answers because to me I'm going to try every avenue I can. That way if something doesn't work it's not because I didn't try and if I decide to give up I can actually say I did everything I could to make it work. I just don't want any regrets and want to give us the best shot possible because if I was in her situation and she was in mine ( being that it was just being confused and not some hidden agenda) I know she would wait and work it out with me if I was confused. It's such a mess. I just wish I knew what she wanted but that's not possible cause she doesn't know what she wants. Midlife crisis? Commitment issues? Content now but on the look for someone else? Who knows but hopefully will find out more when more people respond and I appreciate the two that did so far! It's good to know people can relate to some if not the entire situation.

[liz28]

I don't get how your girlfriend is 25 and going through a midlife crisis, that seems really young to me and I soon will be 28 and not even thinking about it.

You should not have her sending you mix signals by have you think at times you together and then not or giving you hope there's a chance.

You stating your are in college, do your live in a dorm? Here my take, like you stating earlier college will soon be over, have your dating the whole college years well then again I believe you said your was together for 3 or 2 years. She might think she missed out on things and wants to party and do her own thing and pretending to be confused in order to do so. This way if she finds another guy she won't be cheating on you, that's what it sounds likd to me. Also, maybe she nots ready to grow because once you leave college real responibilty starts and she not ready, so while your planning for the future, she's scare of it. My friend in high school went through this we all was in our senior year, from 9th up into senior year her grades was good, then in senior year she starting failing just to it because she wanted to fail so she can't graduate because she was scared to moved on to college. Her plan was successful and she repeated 12th grade and graduate the next year because she was ready, it all was stupid if you asked me.

I think you should stop calling her and let her come to you when she wants and take her back if you want. She knows you waiting for her and that's not good, show that you don't revolve around her and if your was meanth to be your be together, but you never knows what the future holds, she already told you when your not looking you find someone, so if someone sparks her interested she will go so that statement alone tell you a lot.

Leave her alone and it will set your mind at ease. You going have feeling for her but put a band aide on and move on and don't call her and ignored her and just show you don't need her.

[talaniman]

She is not confused, as you give her something good to do, so she doesn't have to be alone, and when she finds something better, then your already broken up, so she is free to do what she wants, and with whom. Then she will tell you "we can be friends".
Your solution is simple, get busy building a life you enjoy without her, and let her entertain herself. Whether its intentional or not, she is stringing you along, and your letting her. Love yourself enough to stand up for yourself. You keep your dignity, and self respect, by following your own path, and not be available for her entertainment. Say nothing, just disappear. Let her deal with getting older on her own. Deal with you. Learn to cope with your feelings in a positive way that best serves your interests. This forum is full of folks who are having a problem coping with the changes in their lives.

[theconfusedguy]

She knows it's not fair to me. We have talked about that and she said that I could go out with another if I wanted to. I have the gut feeling that is what is going to happen she will find someone else and then that statement will change. She said though that she would let me know in advance if she was digging someone. It's such an odd situation cause she is such a unique person. She tells me the truth when I ask her questions. And I agree it may be early and I have the same feeling is that if she did meet someone she doesn't want to have the bad girlfriend title on her because she really isn't a bad girlfriend. Lol. She is a good girlfriend and I think that's why she wants to take a step back. Your right about the commitment thing because that happened to me in college. I was failing classes not realizing it was because I was afraid to move on with my life. I think that even though she says hey I'm not afraid of commitment that she is indeed because she knows the next step would have been marriage and moving in and she probably didn't feel we were at that level. It's actually so weird because we could talk about kids, and we could talk about the future and where she wants to live and now she is like not wanting to talk about it at all. She is like that's the last thing on my mind. You actually made me realize something in stating she could be scared. When I was with my ex a while back I use to say all I'm worried about is college, and getting through that and then planning my future when what I really meant was all I want to do is focus on college and not worry about future of marriage or anything because that's not something that I'm looking for. Well she said a few weeks back all she is worried about is helping her niece through school, and her business and that's it. So it's funny because even though she says it's not a commitment thing it's beginning to seem that way because she said that statement and maybe she felt she didn't get to do everything she wanted to. She was in a relationship a while back for 6 years and that was on and off again and so on. So maybe that's it, but I'm going to back off but like I said before I'm not a quiter and it's not self-esteem I believe that love doesn't estinguish and that if we were happy for 2 years that if we can get back to those times we can be happy for longer. The problem is I'm running against a clock that I don't know how fast or how long it's ticking. See I don't know how long it takes to get back to where we need to get and then I don't know the time or day she could meet someone to change her mind. The new guy is always going to be flashier because you don't see the inner him all you see is the him on the outside. It's easy to say to walk away from something but I have put time into this and it's very rare to find a girl that has values that when you are together you are together and you know you can trust. Her deciding to date I knew that was saying I don't want to be responsible if something should happen. I know it's easy to walk away and start a new. What I need to know is it possible to salvage this? I agree I should do my own thing and make myself more intriguing for her and make her wonder what is going on with me. I think getting her interested like that would be a good thing. But this is my thing I have this weekend with her we will be together for 3 days just me and her. I need to figure out how to improve things leading up to that weekend. Any advice for this upcoming week on things I should do?? Or on the weekend?? I know I can't fix it all in a weekend but I can start building it again. She doesn't have anyone now so right now I'm her only choice of a boyfriend or whatever I'm now. The fact that she is going away with me this weekend is a good sign and if things go well she would want to do another vacation later in the summer. I don't want to run, I have ran from problems and pushed them off in this relationship and it has got me here. I need to try to make a stand and do something right for a change and give us both a chance even if one of us is unsure. She tells me that she sees the change but doesn't know if it's too late. Help me out in this area, I know the odds are against me because 90% of the time it is exactly what people are saying, another man, or waiting for another man. I know though as soon as I give up that will be it, but I also believe that if I try there is a chance to remind her why she loved me and to get the negative thoughts about us out of the way. Being we were together for 2 1/2 years there has to be something there. It wasn't just a feeling of love it was love and I need direction or advice on how to get back on track. Doing my own thing is one thing I need to do. I need to get my life back and live that part of me, but I also need to focus on us as well. I need to restore that balance. What else can I do ?

[talaniman]

I need to restore that balance. What else can I do ?

For now, give yourself time for the emotional dust to settle. I would strongly advise you leave her alone until it does. Put the focus strictly on you, and identify ALL your feelings, as you have in this long ranting vent.

[Ash123]

Get busy with other things. Fast.

TELL HER TO RELAX AND NOT WORRY. YOU JUST WANT HER TO BE HAPPY.
Be a hero. Throw her a magazine with fun events and tell her to go out
With her friends. Tell her you love her and then quietly step back and...

DO NOTHING.

NOTHING.

NOTHING.

NOTHING.

NOTHING..

Oh, and NOTHING.

At your age a girl Should want to look around. Be fun. Be friendly. Be busy.
Do not follow. Do not call. DO not email. DO not text.. DO not IM.

Women need to pursue... as much as nature tells us it the man who pursues, it is only when we get a green light... we test them for body language. Clues. Cues. You are getting none right now. SO... let her go back to what is normal. DO you want to marry her today? I hope not. So, breathe and don't panic. This will all make sense if you see what else life has to offer while she has her panic attack :-)

Heck, you might find another girl...

[theconfusedguy]

Thank you guys. I found a book today that has helped me identify some of the issues that I'm having. Let me bounce these ideas off you. 1st and foremost I need to back off and let things settle like suggested. Let things settle down from being at this level and let her get comfy. She needs to get back to herself. She feels that she can't do things without checking and feels that if she is in a relationship that she won't do those things because she wants to be a good girlfriend. So I get that, and I shouldn't worry as long as she is telling me she just wants to be alone and the only guy she is dating is me. Just take her at her word because she has been truthful with me on other matters. I feel right now she has maybe two issues 1) college is about to end for me and soon I will have an apartment or house, and soon we will be wanting to settle down. Even if it isn't soon, if it's 4 years off, that is still the outcome of continuing with a serious relationship. So she doesn't want that right now because she could be afraid of commitment 2) I read that being in love and love is two serperate things. The average time of the butterflies or feeling "in love" is 2 years on average before they fade and go away. I feel she is at this point and doesn't know how to properly find out if she loves me. Love at this point is a commitment and something you chose to do. I do realize that love is having butterflies too but chosing to love someone and working on keeping each other happy would mean you would get those butterflies from time to time. So maybe she is at that point and doesn't know what it means. Even though she was in a 6 year relationship it was an on again off again relationship and maybe she that's why she never felt like she does now in that relationship. She is basing how relationships should be on that. We have had our problems and nothing major but what I realize is she wants space but she wants the time we spend together to be spent together doing things. See I was lazy and didn't do things with her like I should and she got use to that and I need to change that. She says she doesn't know if she wants me to do that with her now but this is something we must work on. My plan is to invite her out and then ask her to invite some of her close friends out with us. I figure it may not be some of the parties she goes to but maybe we can get there a step at a time and she can give me another chance. We started our relationship funky by working together and seeing each other all the time for about 2 years, and now that she is owning her own business we don't see each other as much. I think it's possible that we got burned out from seeing each other as much. I also read that there is no wrong way to build a relationship ( well for the most part ); all that matters is that you are happy which we need to find again. I might have been too controlling without realizing it and if she felt she couldnt' go out I never meant to make her feel this way. Anyway I feel this way now, and someone told me that I shouldn't read into stuff as much and take it at face value cause all I do is make it worse. Reading into it thing only makes things worse when she could be being perfectly blunt and honest with not hidden agenda at the time. I think I will back off this week as much as possible, and make the best of this weekend and show her that she can enjoy time with me and enjoy being around me. This is my mind set of today but I hope that I can keep this positive attitude up and I think that will also intrigue her. People like to be around positive people. I would still like feedback from people and will keep you updated. This site is really awesome to find people to relate to and to get good advice especially when you need it. Also if any of you think I could be on the right track here let me know! :)

[Ash123]

Man, I am glad you got that book, but I am not sure you are hearing things right.

You wrote: "My plan is to invite her out and then ask her to invite some of her close friends out with us. I figure it may not be some of the parties she goes to but maybe we can get there a step at a time and she can give me another chance."

You added: "I think I will back off this week as much as possible, and make the best of this weekend and show her that she can enjoy time with me and enjoy being around me."

This girl needs to be left alone for right now... You are just going to make things worse. You need to be busy with other things and make her miss you - and if you had something great let her work to get it back.

THE LESS YOU DO. THE MORE YOU DO... when it comes to girls that need time to think.


If you want to do a group thing wait until there is a timely event if you can. Let her breathe.

[Lilyloo]

Mate this is so weird. I am new to this site (as in the last 10 min) and i was just about to write a message very similar to your. My girlfriend / ex gave me the whole crap of being confused yesterday. I have sort of know it for a while that she has not felt the same way about me as i felt about her....
All i can say to you is do not contact her ............ This is the golden rule....

Look you are probably going to say to yourself nobody understands the situation but you and your ex but trust me everybody goes thru it. I am right now. All i can think about is her. Why do you think we are on such websites, I live in london with my mate and if they new i was on this forum they would probably go to town on me.

So do you really want her back.. do you think it will be the same after all this.
You need to ask yourself is she worth the stress. If you ask me the same question i would say yes but deep down i feel no. .
Look its her loss i dont know you i dont know what type of guy you are etc but you should try and make yourself a better person from this. Try new things, do something different.

Right back to the golden rule. WHY should you not contact her!!!!
She is confused not you, let her chase you or wonder why have you not contacted her.
do not answer her calls all the time, let her stress it out for a bit. It may work it may not.

Well let me know how you get on. My girlfriend is very confused but i got the nail in the coffin this morn she sent me a text saying she told her parent we spilt up, Yesterday she told me we where on a break... Screw that. time for me to delete all numbers all emails and close my facebook account.

women ....

LOL touch, sounds like you have a good handle on your situation. I think I will close my Myspace accout today so won't be tempted to look at my now ex's page. (he broke up wth me last nght over text message). Closing these accts sounds like a good idea.

As for confusedguy, I thought I would comment on your post since you were so helpful with my current problem. You sound like a great guy, seriously... this girl is stringing you along. This is not to say that she doesn't care for you, it sounds like she does but she needs to decide what she wants. 2 years s a long time to be in a relationship, and then backtrack back to dating only. That is taking a major step back. She should have told you that she needed space and time to figure out what she wants instead of "downgrading" your status.

That is just keeping you hanging on... and possibly finding someone else who wants the same things you want. I know it's hard... I am devastated right now because of my breakup. But under all the hurt, I know I deserve someone who wants to be wth me just as much as I want to be with them. And you do too! You sound awesome, why can't I meet guys like you? Anyway, hope you get the answers you are looking for and get some peace. It is no fun being put on the backburner by someone who is being selfish. Good luck :)

[talaniman]

Your life needs to be balanced with a lot more than just her right now, then you wouldn't be acting like a junkie needing his fix.

[movinrightalong]

Tal,

That's a fantastic way of putting it.

Detox takes time.