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xxxlovecanhurtxxx · May 11, 2008, 12:02 PM

I am 12 and my boyfriend is 12 as well. We were talking one night and we started talking about how far we were willing to go for each other. And he said he would be willing to have sex with me. And asked how far I would be willing to go and I said I don't know right now. He and I have only been dating for 2 weeks. And I know that we will not last forever. It isn't that I don't care for him a lot but I don't think I should prove it this way. The farthest I have ever been with a guy is making out. And that is the farthest he has been with a girl. So far he and I have only hugged and held hands. He wants to kiss me and I want to kiss him but I just don't think it is time for that. I don't like to rush relationships. How do I tell him that I don't want to rush the relationship and that I don't want to have sex with him?

Fr_Chuck · May 11, 2008, 12:07 PM

At 12, first this discussion should not even be coming up, sorry,

And at 12, while everyone thinks their relationship will ask, talk to any 18 year old you know, and ask them how long they have been with their girlfriend, and ask a 20 year old you know, Almost never is it the same person form more than a year or two.

First at 12 it is not legal, I am not sure what Juv serivces does with both, but both can actually be in trouble, but for some reason the boy seems to always get into more trouble.

Just tell him no, that if that is the type of relationship he wants, he is rushing things by several years. NO, never feel forced or rushed, if he is rushing you, then he does not really care for you

xxxlovecanhurtxxx · May 11, 2008, 12:24 PM

Thanks. Yeah I know it is illegal. But that isn't the main reason why I don't want to. It is against my religion to have sex before marriage. And I don't think my relationship with him will last. Forever. Most likely not even a year. He isn't really rushing me. Well on purpose. He is going as fast as his last girlfriend went and since his last girlfriend is my best friend he thinks that I go at the same pace as her. Which I don't. I go slower than her because I think that rushed relationships don't last as long.

Clough · May 12, 2008, 01:23 AM

It's very true that if he is rushing you, or if it feels to you like you are being rushed, then he doesn't truly care, especially if you tell him that you are feeling rushed. Communicate with him. Tell him your beliefs. If he cares for you, he will respect what you believe. If he tries to justify what he wants in spite of what you believe, then it is time to hang around with someone else.

At 12, it's best to be concentrating on how you want your future to be shaped as far as your abilities, desires and skills. Even if you were, say 16 or 17, with a number more years to go for you to realize your potential, having a serious relationship too soon could hinder the best that you could do for your own potential as a person.

sallyasdf · May 12, 2008, 12:49 PM

Well I'm 12 as well. My boyfriend is the same age and the relationship that my boyfriend and I have is similar to the one that you and your boyfriend have. You are making the right decision by not wanting to have sex. I don't want to have sex until marriage, that is my decision. The next time that sex comes up in a conversation tell him that you are just simply not ready. For example

Him- hey so how far would you go with me
You- I'm not sure
Him- well I'll would go as far as having sex with you
You- I love you, but I'm not ready for sex, I'm only 12, that's very early to be having sex for anyone, do you understand?

If he truly loves you then he will understand. I know my boyfriend says stuff like that trying to impress me, then when I tell him when I'm not comfortable with something ill tell him and he'll back off.

Xrayman · May 12, 2008, 03:51 PM

You could also ask, how far are you willing to look after a baby with me together for the rest of your life??

That might sink in..

JBeaucaire · May 13, 2008, 11:17 AM

I wanted to point out your side comment that it is against your religion to have sex now, and that that's at the core of your having this position.

If that is true, then you need to step back a moment and clarify what is going on here outside of the sex issue. It's far more important, and helps you with this at the same time.

What is happening is that your beliefs are being tested. It is one thing to join a religious group and seek to fully understand and support it. It's another thing completely to put those beliefs into action. In this case, the action your considering is called "delay of gratification" and/or "denial of self".

Make sense so far? The world does not have your beliefs. Boys in general do not have your beliefs, nor care much about them. It's up to YOU to put feet to what you are trying to stand for and make your life reflect it.

Believing in something means NOT believing the opposite position is OK. At least not for you. That's all you need to remember.

So, when it comes up again, your answer is simple: "I appreciate your position, but I don't believe in that. I hope you can respect my belief and not feel it necessary I break them for you. Is that fair? And don't worry, I won't attack your beliefs either. We will respect each other's equally."

That little speech should apply in ANY situation where someone close to you is asking you to change/give in/give up on some core belief you are trying to stay faithful to.

The "

That little speech should apply in ANY situation where someone close to you is asking you to change/give in/give up on some core belief you are trying to stay faithful to.

The " concept is very adult. It's not something most 12 years olds are really good at. Your boyfriends "willingness" concept is very adult. It's not something most 12 years olds are really good at. Your boyfriends "offer" to have sex with you is not a gift, his hormones are going crazy and he wants to have sex, it's perfectly natural. You can't rely on him to protect your virginity or your beliefs, it's not even his job since he doesn't share your dedication to preserving them.

No, that's left to you. And you can do it, not easily, but you can. And it's your job, not his. Just don't be nasty to each other about it. Respectfully decline his "denying your own gratification" not to be mean to your current boyfriend(s), but because you've chosen to save yourself for the man you will ultimately love forever, the greatest gift of all, your faithfulness to him before you even met.

This is awesome stuff. Hard stuff. You need to find a way to keep yourself out of the temptation zone with your boyfriend. He can't be offering you sex unless your in a place to make good on it. Stay out of those places. Keep your friends and family around and just enjoy his friendship.

When that ultimately isn't enough for him, he will move on. You have to be OK with that.

Take care, keep in touch.

ScottGem · May 13, 2008, 11:26 AM

You've gotten good advice. But the simple answer is to say I'm not ready for that!

What I found interesting is his statement that "he would be willing to have sex with me", like its some big sacrifice or some present he's bestowing on you. If he doesn't accept that you aren't ready, ask him if he's ready to care and support a baby.

Loren3308 · May 13, 2008, 06:12 PM

Your 12 and talking about sex? Wow. I have a 12 yr. old brother in law and he doesn't even know what that word means! Hunny, seriously, you don't even need to consider soemthing like that.

Ging1994 · May 13, 2008, 09:24 PM

Wow why would you have sex with seriously two weeks that not nearly enough time and hell were kids don't try and screw with life right now

Alty · May 13, 2008, 09:39 PM

Sex at 12, okay seriously, I'm buying a cabin in the woods far away from civilization, my son's 9, that means I have three years left?

Honey, you're 12, you are not ready for sex, your body is not ready for sex, you are way to young for sex. I'm glad that you came her for advice. Tell your boyfriend that you aren't ready and that it's illegal to boot. Stick to your convictions, you can't go wrong by waiting, you have your whole life ahead of you. Take it from someone older who didn't listen to good advice, I wish that I could take back some of the decisions I made when I was younger.

Take care. :)

xxxlovecanhurtxxx · May 14, 2008, 01:51 PM

okay i keep getting responses with like....you shouldn't even be talking about sex right now. well for your information we were not talking about sex. we were talking about our relationship. last time i checked that was what makes a relationship healthy...to talk about it...and then we were joking around and sex came up and then it actually turned serious.

ScottGem · May 15, 2008, 05:59 AM

Originally Posted by xxxlovecanhurtxxx

okay i keep getting responses with like....you shouldn't even be talking about sex right now. well for your information we were not talking about sex. we were talking about our relationship. last time i checked that was what makes a relationship healthy...to talk about it...and then we were joking around and sex came up and then it actually turned serious.

It doesn't matter how the subject of sex came up. Sure you started talking about your relationship, but the fact remains that the subject of sex did come up and therefore you talked about it. But at 12, you really shouldn't be discussing a relationship, since you are too young to make long term relationship plans. At your age, you just need to go along and see what develops. So, I don't agree that 12 yr olds, talking about a relationship is really healthy.

But if and when the subject of sex comes up, then your response should be; we are too young to talk about that now, end of story.

amberlynn · May 15, 2008, 08:30 AM

Hey girl,
I'm 15

And I just lost it last year in December.
It was HORRIBLE

Me and that guy have been off and on for 2 years
And he didn't talk to me for about 2 months after.
And even now it is so different.

HEEECK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You guys are TWELVE YEARS OLD!!
Just don't do it.
Not now.not with him.
Wait a couple years

Find someone different.
Which you WILL
Because honey, I promise you
That you and him will not last.
And you will later be proud
That you didn't give him a special part of you
But if you do, you will also later find was NOT worth it.

So the answer is no.
Tell him next time he brings it up

Be like,

Uhh, were only 12.
Let's not think about that.
Maybe if we last then we can consider it,
But right now we shouldn't try it.

Stick to the kissing and other stuff.

Just say if he asks again:
Hey, were only 12.

MOWERMAN2468 · May 15, 2008, 10:24 AM

12?? Enough said. Toooooo young!

xxxlovecanhurtxxx · May 15, 2008, 05:49 PM

Oh well it really doesn't matter. We didn't have sex. And he broke up with me. Now I have a much better boyfriend who treats me the way I want to be treated. My ex-boyfriend didn't break up with me because I didn't have sex with him. He broke up with me because well... I don't want to talk about that. But the fact is we didn't have sex and I have a much nicer boyfriend.

Alty · May 15, 2008, 06:01 PM

Wow, that was quick, and you already have a new guy, I don't know what to say.

Good Luck to you.