[raffles]

Hi,

Directed to this site by Google, random browsing as one may do when completely directionless, it seems helpful.

I don't want to bore you with details but basically, my girlfriend dumped me sometime last month. I couldn't even keep up with days when it happened. She would tell me that we were meeting, say at a restaurant at 9, and would show up an hour late. Other times she'd "forget". This went on for a while, but I didn't want to make anything of it. Love is love hey. This was a couple weeks before the big "I don't think this is working" speech.
-.-

Anw, that's some of the background. Being emotionally instable for a couple weeks I decided it would be worse for her to see that I was actually surviving the break up, and even better, enjoying it. So I went to a barin hope of getting some. And saw this girl I'd seen around a couple times before. She's absolutely gorgeous, a bit crazy but in a down to earth way. And we hit it off. SO much. I feel like I could fall in love all over again, and the fact that I'd seen her around kind of reassures me that I wasn't just there because of my ex, but because I knew something was in there which belonged to me. A bit weird in explanation, but it makes sense in my head.

My problem is: that I still feel like even if I so much think of another girl, I'm betraying the love I had for my ex. And it's kind of pulling me back, and stops my "moving on". It's like a balance, which is yet, so unbalanced. A fading memory which kicks in when a new one decides to form:/

I want this girl, but I don't know what's stopping me from making the moves.
Any ideas on how I can push the old me out?
Thanks.

[ISneezeFunny]

Well, I'm not so sure how long you two were dating before the breakup, but if you're feeling uncomfortable in any way shape or form, then I suggest you take it slow. Does the new girl know about your ex? If so, then she may understand. If not, then there's really no reason in telling her about it.

Regardless, take it slow, and enjoy getting to know her.

Often people make mistakes by getting into a relationship RIGHT after they get out of one, and they end up trying to "replace" the new one with the old one... and is either frustrated that it doesn't work out like they hoped, or falls into it too quickly and scares off the new one.

The "getting over your ex" will come in time. Take it in stride.

[talaniman]

I want this girl, but I don't know what's stopping me from making the moves.

Maybe your trying to move to fast to get over the ex, and things just aren't right yet. As Sneeze said go slow and take the time to not only get over the ex, but get to know the new girl, and be sure she isn't just replacing the old one.

[MrJohnson]

Hi Raffles,
Enjoy your new relationship. Don't even give your ex a second thought as she did to you when she dumped you.
Take this experience and move forth with this new lady, and don't look back.
Most of us only get 1 chance to find happiness take it and run my friend.
Goodluck with everything and I hope this is helpful.

[raffles]

Yeah,
I'm taking it pretty slow.

I don't want to take it too slow though, in case she gets the wrong idea, entering the so called: FRIEND ZONE. Thing is, I'm not sure how to keep a balance anymore. It seems like anything to do with a girl is so challenging now, I used to consider myself a real hot shot. Then someone shoots your heart down, and you're a dog wimpering under a table, unsure of yourself because of what happened the last time.

It's not so hard forgetting my ex in the sense that I want her, just in the sense of how I'm reflected in what she did to me. What does that say about myself? Am I an a** for waiting and waiting night after night, and being stood up? I still don't know what I did, and I just don't want to do it again in the next relationship:/

Would it be weird contacting my ex (to whom I only speak when we spontaneously bump into each other every blue moon), to ask her? Also; Sneeze, I didn't tell the new girl yet, but I'm figuring if I do, the "taking it slow" thing may not put our relationship in a position where she feels insecure. Yes/No?:/


Thanks for your advice though, some things I can totally identify with.

[talaniman]

The first thing to go when we get dumped is the confidence. What's needed to attract new people, especially potential partners, is confidence. The healing process gets us over that, and attempts to move to fast before we are sufficiently healed, brings about less that good results. The whole point of dating is to have fun, as you get to know someone, not trying to get locked into a relationship. That's why going slow is the best course, as you can enjoy each other, and learn about each other. If it goes well, after maybe 6 months, then the talk can turn to being exclusively dating, to continue the process. I'm sure you can see how jumping through the process to fast, can have strangers at odds as they learn how to talk, and read each other, and can frustrate any efforts at working together, and that can't be fun. So go slow, and do things right, and leave the ex out of your conversations. As a matter of fact, do not contact the ex at all, as you nip a lot of drama, and confusion, in the bud, and increase your chances of healing, and moving on. Going slow in this, also lets you make a transition from being dumped, to being healthy, as many of us make the mistake of rebounding to another relationship. To fill the hole in our soul, and use others for this purpose. We then expect them to make us happy, as we think the ex did, and that will create a conflict, to disrupt the new relationship. So be confident as you move ahead, and don't worry about that friend zone stuff. Your mistakes from the past will become apparent, as you heal, and can think in a realistic way, and see things clearly. Good Luck.