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kimanne021 · Apr 3, 2008, 10:51 PM

I've been out on three dates with this guy. The first one he initiated. The second one we bumped into each other at a coffee shop and ended up having dinner (his idea) and the third one I intitiated and he accepted. All of the dates have ended with a hug (no kiss). Do you think it would be appropriate to call him and ask him if he would like to come over for dinner Sunday? He does respond when I call him and acts interested but sometimes I just can't tell. Any advice would be helpful.

jrebel7 · Apr 3, 2008, 11:38 PM

Hi there! I don't think it ever hurts anything to ask. Just from the information you gave here tonight, I wouldn't expect a lot from this guy emotionally. Some guys just aren't good at initiating although he did the first date.

Since you initiated the last date, if it were me in this situation, I would probably let it ride and see if he calls but then again, life moves on. You may as well know how this stands and then you can move on if things don't work out to date him.

Does he seem really shy or is he outgoing, etc. Do you have mutual friends?

There are a lot of unanswered questions: What are your ages, how long had you known him before he asked you on the first date, how did you meet the first time in order for him to initiate the first date? What type of date was it in terms of a movie, dinner, carnival, fun activity or quiet with time to talk. No knowing your ages, do either of you have children?? You see what I mean by needing more information to suggest better ideas for you?

I will be looking forward to an update! Best to you.

JBeaucaire · Apr 4, 2008, 07:52 AM

Of course you can call him. There are no dating rules, that's an old wives' tale... one that also stems from people thinking that something that worked for them is THE WAY everyone should do things. Poppycock.

Call him or don't, whatever is you acting normal. Period. No more drama than that.

As for inviting him for an "inhouse" date on the 4th date... wow, risky, don't you think? If things are going well, just remember that intimacy, especially rushed intimacy, changes everything forever. And you don't always benefit from the change.

In the dating world, 90% of all relationships eventually end. Make sure it's not any worse than it has to be if that happens. Put off the unnecessary risky dating situations as long as possible. It could take up to a year for the "courting behavior" you two are showing to each other to subside and be replaced by your real selves. Then you can accurately judge how compatible you two really are socially.

It is best to determine your true social compatibility BEFORE your sexual interaction mucks up the judgement process.

My two cents.

kimanne021 · Apr 4, 2008, 08:03 AM

Thanks for your reply. I am 35 and he is 40 (too old to playing games!) He is a doctor and I have my own business. I have 1 child that lives at home and he has 2 that live in another state. We met through a friend of his at a cancer benefit. I didn't even know his friend-she was just talking to me and decided to introduce us. He called a couple of days after meeting me and then 2 weeks after that finally asked me on a date. All we did was go to dinner. I did not know him at all before our first date-so I guess we are still in the "getting to know you" phase. I've just been racking my brain wondering if he's interested or just taking things slow. When we have gotten together it's been great conversation and we have fun. I also didn't mention that this guy is crazy busy all the time with work!

kimanne021 · Apr 4, 2008, 08:07 AM

Actually, if I have him over for dinner there will be no intimacy-my 11 year old son will be there. That wasn't my intention-just thought I would be nice and extend the invitation. I mean we haven't even kissed so sex is definitely not in the picture at this point!

JBeaucaire · Apr 4, 2008, 08:57 AM

Originally Posted by kimanne021

Actually, if I have him over for dinner there will be no intimacy-my 11 year old son will be there. That wasn't my intention-just thought I would be nice and extend the invitation. I mean we haven't even kissed so sex is definately not in the picture at this point!

I'd consider my home my child's sanctuary and resist having dates there anytime soon. Hard for an inexperienced 11 year old to know what to do with that, even if you tell him. Tough stuff.

Dates outside the home. Introduce him to the kid at the zoo or something. If your guy is going to date you, he has to make time for you. And MORE time later if you end up together. AND EVEN MORE TIME if you marry him. He needs to be reminded of that, guys will tend to think the opposite is true... the longer you're together, the less time is OK.

jrebel7 · Apr 4, 2008, 11:06 AM

Originally Posted by kimanne021

Thanks for your reply. I am 35 and he is 40 (too old to playing games!) He is a doctor and I have my own business. I have 1 child that lives at home and he has 2 that live in another state. We met through a friend of his at a cancer benefit. I didn't even know his friend-she was just talking to me and decided to introduce us. He called a couple of days after meeting me and then 2 weeks after that finally asked me on a date. All we did was go to dinner. I did not know him at all before our first date-so I guess we are still in the "getting to know you" phase. I've just been racking my brain wondering if he's interested or just taking things slow. When we have gotten together it's been great conversation and we have fun. I also didn't mention that this guy is crazy busy all the time with work!

Hi there Kimanne021. It helps so much having a bit more background information. From the information you have given here, it is entirely possible that the man is just crazy busy as you say. The hours some doctors have to give depletes them of energy and time. I think the invitation would be totally appropriate, however, I do agree with JBeau regarding having the man in your home at this time or even having him meet your son until you know the two of you have something solid going and he will be a part of your life, at least for the foreseeable future. Just less complications for all involved. Keep us posted on the progress. :p
Best to you! :)

Simple Asian · Apr 4, 2008, 06:14 PM

Why not ? Nothing going to hurt,.

kimanne021 · Apr 5, 2008, 10:41 PM

I did call him tonight. He told me everything he had to do tomorrow before I ever brought up the whole dinner thing. I expected him to say no since he already told me he was going to be landscaping his yard all day and then going to his office to work most of the night. I asked and he said no- he wasn't going to have time. I said "that's fine. Maybe some other time". He sounded out of breath when I called him and I asked what he was doing and he said he was cleaning his house and doing some laundry. Then he asked if I have that effect on men. I told him it depended on the man and that I guess I haven't figured him out yet. It's like he tries to keep me interested by acting somewhat interested but at the same time I don't feel like I should be the one pursuing this. What gives? My other friends think that I should be patient and that he seems interested-just very busy at the moment. As far as him coming over to hang out as far as just trying to be friendly- if it were me in that situation I would have come up with some kind of lame excuse if I wasn't interested in someone-not lead them on by going over to their house to watch a movie!

jrebel7 · Apr 5, 2008, 10:56 PM

You have made the gesture. I would let it drop until he makes an overture. It does sound like he likes the attention and does want to keep you interested but are you willing to settle for that until he gets around to being available? If you have the time and energy to put into the waiting and hoping, then no problem.

I would move on. If he pursues you in the future, and you are still interested, then great.

I am sure he is interested, don't get me wrong here. I just am not sure he is interested enough at this time. Keep us posted. He may surprise us all.

Did he allude at all to perhaps calling you or rescheduling the invitation you offered?

frangipanis · Apr 6, 2008, 05:22 AM

I think jrebel7's answer sounds pretty right. It's good he knows you're genuinely interested, which is what some men need to feel encouraged knowing they won't be rejected, and will make it easier for him to think about calling you next time - and he may just turn around and surprise you one day. At the same time, you really can't know at this stage how he feels and as you're not too involved at the moment, the best thing you can probably do is to turn your attention elsewhere and try to forget he exists :)

talaniman · Apr 6, 2008, 06:25 AM

3 dates is not enough to know someone well enough to invite them for dinner at your home, at least I don't think so. Since he has refused, for whatever reason, I think you should be busy yourself with your own life, and if he calls fine, if not, still fine, because your not waiting on him, but are focused on other things. I don't think bringing strangers into kids lives is a good idea, until you have gone out, and know someone really, really well. I don't care if he is a nice, hard working, professional.