[jamimama]

I met my ex the second day of college and we just broke up this week after three and a half years. I had been through everything with Evan. I stayed by him when last year, we both went abroad to separate countries for the semester and he decided we needed to put things on pause, so he could do his own thing for the semester. I followed, pursuing him, confused, missing him, wanting to be with him, we visited each-other a couple of times and I was always frustrated but still in love...

We came back for senior year and he decided that when we graduate in May, he's going to farm abroad for seven months with limited communication or anything. But, we figured we'd stay together. We were in so so so so much love. But this is what he wanted and I wasn't... much of a farmer.

Then, he wasn't going to tell me, but by joking around I got it out of him, that he wanted to end the relationship in May before he went away. It wouldn't work beyond college. I was devestated: back in the same place. He said he loved me and wanted to stay with me until graduation, but he would not be able to give me the communication and relationship I needed while he was away. And he'd come back and he didn't want to make plans that compromised to what I wanted to do with my life. He also said that he didn't think I'd ever break up with him. He "deliberated" and I told him that I knew he'd already made up his mind. Without me. He decided it was going to end and when.

So I said no, I can't stay with you if it's going to end. That's not what I want. Eventually, he slammed the door on his way out. I ran downstairs to ask if he was sure. He angrily said he was sure and slammed the door. I haven't seen him since.

...


Together for three and a half years, so in love, my soulmate, my best friend, I'm lonely without him, I miss him TERRIBLY, I want to see him but also DO NOT want to see him...

I'm just glad that I find a site like this where people share my pain. It can be so isolating to go through something like this, and it's a comfort to know that everyone does it and everyone (eventually) ends up OK. I feel like some people in my life don't understand. We were together for 3.5 years and someone told me "Oh, give it a week. You'll be over him." I wish. I miss him severely. I want to avoid him and talk to him at the same time.

Ugh.

So...

At the time, I felt like I made the right decision about breaking up now as opposed to graduation being better. That's the time of my life to be moving on, exploring, doing new things and if I'm dealing with a breakup, that's hardly a positive start to my new life. Plus, when we broke up for abroad, I pined and yearned the whole time based on false hope. And the time between his breaking up and our actually breaking up was awful. Completely cheapened, sad, bittersweet.


... Anyone been in a similar situation? Have any advice?

[ISneezeFunny]

I feel your pain.

Here's my saga.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...er-161688.html

Same deal. 3.5 years. Break up with 1 semester left. I have updates all throughout the post... should keep you busy :)

Hang in there. It gets better. I promise.

[jamimama]

I feel your pain.

Here's my saga.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...er-161688.html

same deal. 3.5 years. break up with 1 semester left. I have updates all throughout the post...should keep you busy :)

hang in there. it gets better. I promise.

Thank you so much! You have no idea what a relief it is to see that someone has a very similar story. I felt like no one can relate and poof, here you are.
Do you think things would have gone more smoothly had you cut all ties right off the bat? No communication at all? I don't plan on contacting him at all in the real sense, but I think about talking to him constantly.

[lostissues]

You did what you had to. I can't say that I've been through what you have, and the only thing that I can say is that I feel for you. It must really hurt, but I guess it's better this way.
In a way, by already deciding that he was going to break up with you and go study aboard, he was being selfish, He wanted to be with you longer yet at the same time, ditch you when the time came. You deserve more than that. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you do him.
It took a lot of will power and strength to break it up with him, it really hurts considering how much you loved him, but I believe that there's someone out there that's better for you.
I hope you feel better soon and truly find someone that loves you. Take care in the mean time.

[ISneezeFunny]

I did cut all ties... I had a hiccup once... but mostly, I cut all ties after a week.

I know you want to talk to him, and you probably dream of him, and sometimes even FEEL like he's next to you... but I swear... after 2 - 3 weeks, you'll feel SO much better.

There may be a time when he contacts you to "make things better" or "leave on a better note"... but I think what's done is done... only thing left to do is for you to "heal"

As far as the "you'll get over him in a week"... is complete bs.

I feel like I got over my ex relatively quickly (... but I have this tendency to get over people quick... ) as I took about 2 months or so... but there are people that go on for 3 - 4 months... sometimes 7 - 8... sometimes longer.

Just keep yourself busy with your friends during the day. Call those friends you haven't seen in a while to lunch... go out for dinner... movie... whatever.

Pick up a few hobbies like reading a book, writing a novel, listening to music, starting up a TV show... or start volunteering. Just get out there that'll get your mind off him.

As I was completely busy during the day, the nights killed me... so I would come here at night... and just vent/read on these forums, then I'd go for a 3 - 4 mile run... completely wipe myself out, then just pass out. The nights'll be rough... but we'll be here.

Under the relationship forum there are 2 stickies... read those.

[jamimama]

You did what you had to. I can't say that I've been through what you have, and the only thing that I can say is that I feel for you. It must really hurt, but I guess it's better this way.
In a way, by already deciding that he was going to break up with you and go study aboard, he was being selfish, He wanted to be with you longer yet at the same time, ditch you when the time came. You deserve more than that. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you do him.
It took a lot of will power and strength to break it up with him, it really hurts considering how much you loved him, but I believe that there's someone out there that's better for you.
I hope you feel better soon and truly find someone that loves you. Take care in the mean time.

Thank you. I can't believe you were able to so perfectly capture the essence of this breakup and why it is so hard and what is really underlying the issues. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am soooo glad I decided on a whim to come to this site and post my story. Two extremely helpful responses so far and I'm finding huge amounts of comfort in reading other people's stories.

[jamimama]

I did cut all ties...I had a hiccup once...but mostly, I cut all ties after a week.
...
Under the relationship forum there are 2 stickies...read those.

Thanks again for imparting your wisdom. The good news in this situation is that we didn't have many common friends or activities, so my life is the same day to day, minus him (which was, obviously, a huge chunk of time, thought, emotion and energy) but I know I have my friends. I've been making a major effort to be busy, to stay active, to keep up with activities and exercise and to reach out and call friends.

This weekend, I went out, but of course I was absolutely miserable. I'm still lonely doing all these things, and I feel guilty how selfish I'm being by talking about him and how I feel so much. I'm usually the type of person who keeps things to myself but I don't think that would be helpful.

I miss him terribly, but it's such a comfort that you say it gets better in 2-3 weeks. I mean, not a cure, of course, but it feels like we broke up forever ago (even though it was this week) and it's hard for me to assess how this will go.

[ISneezeFunny]

I know exactly how you feel... at one point, I was literally counting as the hours went by, and after an hour (which seemed like an eternity... ) I literally celebrated a little... "yay...I lasted another hour..."

It really is better if you just keep yourself busy. I made that fatal mistake at first... I just kept thinking about her, looking at her old pictures, reading the e-mails she sent me... bah.

So glad that's over now. My life now... is MUCH MUCH better.

We were going to graduate, and if we had stayed together a year or two after graduation, I was going to ask her to marry me. We were going to live together after graduation... so with the money I saved up to buy a condo, I bought a motorcycle.

After the breakup, I've lost 20 lbs (20 lbs!! ), started working out religiously, eating right, volunteered a lot, read a few books, started to write a small article here and there which I might put together later on... who knows.

But the huge overall difference I've noticed was that I seem happier on average... I seem to have more fun... I just seem more confident and more energetic. My grades couldn't be better... and just overall, I'm doing better.

[talaniman]

I don't plan on contacting him at all in the real sense, but I think about talking to him constantly.

As others have brought out, this is completely natural after a break up, and your not alone there. Its just making that adjustment from being with someone so long that's hard, as we shared a lot of ourselves with those exes. Time and keeping busy, and as Sneeze has said reading the stickies for this forum will help. Just click on the links in my signature to access them, and let us know if they helped, or not. Sorry for your loss, and good luck.

[jamimama]

I have a question about seeing the ex for the first time:

We are on a small campus and I will see him sooner or later... I think he went home this weekend because our paths have not crossed. It was a relief to realize that he probably did this, as I was running around campus on the outskirts trying to avoid him.

The good news is that I have run into his housemates and friends repeatedly, and as awkward as that is, they have all seen me out, having fun being social. Even though I'm miserable inside, I'm making an effort to have fun and be busy, so no report back that I'm alone in my room moping. I'm also making an effort to be dressed and well-groomed. So that's a plus.

BUT what to do the first time I see him? Do I say "Hi" or no? I feel like it would bring the hurt on in such a more terrible way if I saw him and he pretended he didn't see me, but I think he might. I'd rather just not see him at all... I keep running over this scenario in my head. Basically, what to do when we eventually cross paths?

[ISneezeFunny]

I know where you're coming from as I did everything I could not to run into my ex after the breakup... sadly, as you said, you always end up running into each other.

I just said a simple hi... acknowledged the fact that I knew them... then I walked away. There's no need to sit around and chat about your lives... no need to be rude and ignore them. Just say hi. Then walk away. If he starts a conversation, then answer in short simple answers... then walk away.

[jamimama]

The other thing that is bothering right now is how awful a weekend I had.
I'm doing the things being suggested: being social, active, busy, healthy. But I'm miserable while doing these things. I know it's only been 5 days so it's a question of misery alone moping destructively vs. misery plus some element of fun or distraction, but I was just so unhappy with the social scene this weekend and wanted to be cuddling and talking with my boyfriend. I know it'll get easier, but right now, I guess I'm confused. I'm not a party person and all my friends have significant others,. I just have to suffer through it and navigate the social scene and not think "Well, if I was with him..." I can't let that be an option in my mind anymore.

[Destro3000]

Well when I first ran into my ex (after she got a new guy and told me she wouldn't be taking me back), seeing as the ball of communication was in her court, she just walked RIGHT past me, and didn't say anything... but proceeded to call a friend of mine to tell her... saying that I wasn't ready to talk to her anyway.

If you want to talk to the ex... do so... if you don't though, it could be perceived weirdly. Depends really on the feelings involved.

[jamimama]

Another question: Every time the doorbell rings, the phone rings, I get an e-mail, I secretly hope it's from him. And then I reassure myself that of course it's not him. Did this happen to you? For how long?

[ISneezeFunny]

Yep. Every morning, I woke up and checked my phone + email in hopes that it's her.

Went on for a good month or so.

[Destro3000]

Same here... I still do... still expect her to show up at my door and say she made a mistake by not taking me back...

Friends had to take my cellphone away when we were out... so I could enjoy myself (been at it for 4 months now)

[jamimama]

Update: Six days since the break-up; six days of NC. Still haven't run into him.

... Saw some pictures of him on Fbook from this weekend (I know. Bad. I shouldn't look, right?) and he looked kind of miserable. He was at a concert and looked kind of out of it. I know it's OK to see pictures of him when he looks bad, but I'm worried that one day I'll see a picture of him looking good and it'll drive me crazy. So no looking at pictures, right?

Still thinking about him, going over what happened in my head, trying to analyze it, hanging out with friends... missing him and then not missing him, missing him and then not missing him...

Everyone says I'm doing really well. I hope so. I know there's no rushing this healing but I hope I don't prolong it. It sucks.

I just keep reminding myself that I have my life and I have my self-respect. And I try to remember all the bad things that accompanied all those good memories.

Thanks again to everyone who has been helping me out on this forum: to those who post in response to my statements and questions and those who just post in general. I'm getting a lot of support and the feeling that I'm not going through this alone from you all.

[Mom of 2]

I would try not to worry about all of the what ifs regarding running into him. No matter how you practice the scenario, you will not know what to do, say, etc. until you encounter the moment. I would be cordial, but I would not necessarily strike up a conversation if it feels awkward. Don't think that you HAVE to talk to him, but I wouldn't not say hi. Again, be cordial. Fake it until you make it, as that is what everyone has to do to get over something like this. I was once told that in order for something to become a habit, you need to repeat it 28 times. That is where fake it until you make it comes in. Each day that goes by, the easier it is. Each time that you see him, the easier it will be. You can't put a time limit on your grieving. You get over him when you are ready to get over him. Yes, definitely keep yourself busy. It will get better and this too shall pass.

[jamimama]

Dear Everyone,

Again, thank you all for the support, reassurance and advice you've offered this week. It means so much to me.

The break-up was a week ago tonight so I thought I'd take some time to reflect. Don't feel guilty if you don't read it. It's long, I know. This writing is mainly for me and if you're interested, that's great. I bolded the big points of the day.

I feel like this week was about getting through the week (the best I can, yes, but more importantly just getting through it).

Since the break-up, I have experienced denial, grief, anger, fear, overwhelming loneliness and a lot of confusion.
At the same time, as bad as it's been, I have experienced an unbelievable feeling of support provided by friends and family. I checked my phone to assess how social I've been since the breakup, and I have placed 60 calls since Thursday night (on average 15 calls a day). While that may not be a lot for some of you, my “recent calls” list used to read “Evan Evan Evan Evan Evan…” and now I'm socializing with and talking to all the friends I'd been less invested in than I could be. Since last Tuesday, I've made every effort to reach out and stay busy. I've been aggressive about eating meals with people, talking to people, reconnecting. I find that I'm happier when in the presence of other people (but not when my roommates are with their significant others. They're all wonderful people but I feel like I've got open wounds right now and I know that my jealousy/loneliness will eventually fade away. Right now it's just bitterness) .

I never realized how much TIME I have. I am an extremely busy person, but now that Evan is out of my life, I've found so much more time for socialization and in addition, I've found myself alone a lot, doing things I always do: exercising, cooking and studying. It was extremely hard to do these things for the first four days but I made myself do them and I'm glad. No moping. Doing all these things, being social, going out, I am thinking about Evan a lot of the time. I'm not going to lie. It can be fun and therapeutic, it can take my mind off what's going on, but for a lot of the time, I've been there in body, not in mind. The weekend was extremely, extremely rough and I haven't had a good night's sleep. I also am just getting over a cold that I got after the break-up…

I still haven't seen him (AH), but I did see the two pictures of him from the weekend in which he looked miserable. And my roommate saw him on campus today. He basically saw her from a distance and veered off his path to avoid her without acknowledging her. Social skills were never Evan's forte so this isn't an utter surprise, but it strikes me as a contrast that I've run into Evan's housemates multiple times and we exchange smiles and “hi'”s and they always see me out with other people. But Evan is too scared to even look my housemate in the eye. This made me realize that he's probably afraid of what we're saying about him and made me wonder what he thinks I'm thinking. This also made me dread seeing him: He's going to pretend he doesn't see me and its going to hurt.

Things I could have done better this week:
-I should have looked at his Facebook/searched him online less
-I should have probably done more writing
-I should NOT have let myself listen to any songs that are "triggers" (but after 3.5 years, almost every song is a trigger)
-I should have slept better (but I tried)

Things I'm proud of/did well this week:
-I have not contacted him
-I got a great job interview
-I have made plans to get out of town this weekend and see my best friend from home in a city I love
-I have eaten healthy
-I have not missed a class
-I went to two friends' recitals
-I went to an art exhibition
-I took a photography walk
-I submitted some photos to an art show
-I got outside
-I cleaned my room, rearranged some things and dumped all reminders of him from my room
-I did my usual volunteer work and academic work
-I was social (I even studied in a group, which I'd normally never do)
-I did all my awesome extracurriculars (most of which involve comedy and laughing)
-I tried something new (a playwriting group_
-I have not abused alcohol or drugs (a half-glass of red wine with a Tylenol was my one “oops” moment in an effort to ease back pain…and mental pain)
-I applied for jobs

…Today, I ripped down a poster advertising a concert in which his band is playing at school. I know that it was lame lame lame to rip down the poster, but it wasn't out of anger; I just didn't want to see it when I crossed its path everyday. That experience DID make me excited for the anger phase of this breakup! I can't wait to be mad! Way more fun than being depressed!

I know that I can't rush this process so I'm trying to approach it as healthily as I can to not prolong it. Just do it and do it right so I don't have to live like this for longer than I have to.

This week, I hope to:
-join a yoga class
-stop myself when I think it's him when the phone calls/doorbell rings/e-mail box opens
-ace my job interview
-have fun over the weekend away from town
-keep up my exercise and eating well
-sleep better
-start reading NOVELS (whoa! How long has it been?)
-stop looking at his Facebook
-stop darting my head around whenever I'm on campus in the hope/fear that I'll see him
-stay social
-make some goals for myself
-do more job applications
-buy some nice running shoes or something that makes me feel good that isn't a huge investment but motivates me to be happy and healthy[/B]

[Mom of 2]

Good for you!! You are doing a lot better than most people at this point.

You are making wonderful progress in such a short period, especially with the fact that you were dating him for that length of time. I don't want to scare you, but don't be surpirsed if you happen to take a few steps backwards every once in a while. This happens to EVERYONE. Just when you think that you are making progress, you might find yourself falling into old habits or thoughts. This is completely normal and should not frighten you. Acknowledge your feelings and why you might be feeling them and then continue to move forward. Writing down your thoughts when this happens is a wonderful way to get through this.

One thing that I did after my divorce was to write a letter to my ex in which I wrote down everything that I was feeling, everything that I was angry about, and my reactions, etc. to everything that he had done during our marriage and during the divorce process. I DID NOT send this letter to him, but instead burned it. While this letter was burning, I closed my eyes and felt and inner peace flow through me. It was very cathartic.