[coastal-dream]

OK, I have another relational issue. I have had trust issues within my 6 year relationship with my now husband. We dated from 5 1/2 years, and have been married 8 months. During our courtship I was jealous of my husband's female friends (and I must admit, although I'm getting better... I think... I am still jealous) and my husband found it easier to omit bits and pieces of what he did or who he talked to (for example, he went to hang out with some friends one night, and told me what guys he was with, but just "didn't mention" that his best girl friend from high school and his ex-girlfriend were there) so my trust issues with him have wavered.

Now that we are married, he has found another female friend. I actually wrote another post about her. She's younger and single, and sees my husband all the time due to work related things. He and her text back and forth, and I just found out last night that they have been e-mailing each other back and forth on Facebook. Now, this in itself isn't such a big deal, because I have a guy friend who (needless to say is older and married, I met him through an intership through school) but we e-mail each other occasionally since we don't ever get together. My issue is that I saw he closed the e-mail when I walked in the room, and I asked him if I could read his messages. He said NO! He said not right now, because he didn't want to get into it with me. He said I would probably read into something and get all upset. Now I don't believe that my husband is cheating, or would ever cheat, but this sent up a red flag.

I'm not saying that because we are husband and wife he needs to leave his Facebook account open for me to see, but when I ask if I can read a message and he says no, he doesn't want me to, that really bothers me. I feel like he must have something to hide, and that makes my trust for him plummit. Plus, he wants me to be OK with this female friend, but by not letting me see their e-mails back and forth, I don't know what is going on between them, and it makes me think that it is more that "just simple friends". I could be way off base, but I told him that all these feelings were coming up because he told me no. I can't think of anything else except to be supicious.

I was so upset, and when he asked why it bothered me so much, I said because I felt like trust was one of the pillars of marriage, and that it was crumbling for me now because not letting me read an e-mail from his female friend does not instill trust. He was so defensive, and said it's the principle of the point. That he shouldn't have to share everything with me.

Help! This is all I can think about... we went to bed without any agreement, and of course I still haven't seen the e-mail. That's all that is running through my head right now is, what does it say that I would overreact to? Another issue I had is that he knows that I get jealous and overreact to things, so wouldn't it be better to show me the e-mail and put my suspicions to rest?

Please respond to this post, I need some help to get through this! He feels like he has done nothing wrong, and when I tell him that these kind of secrets don't work in an honest and open marriage, he said that it's just a difference of opinion, and no one is right or wrong. But he won't see my point of view! I see this as a marriage changing issue, and I don't think he gets it.

Please tell me your thoughts-does anyone think he's right? Are there any guys out there that are married and think he's valid? I need to hear both sides, because I'm going crazy!

[kandyfruitcake]

Okay, he could be playing around, but it could be an issue of FRIENDSHIP trust. You said she's younger and single, so how much younger? Is she viewing him as a kind of older brother/father figure and going to him with her personal problems? In which case, he would feel disloyal to her if she showed you an email where she's revealing a personal problem that she'd be embarrassed to face you, if she found out that you knew about it, and he'd also lose her friendship? Is this friendship boosting his ego because if so once she's over this stage (if this is the case) and a young guy comes along, the friendship is likely to slowly separate anyway, do you think?

[coastal-dream]

She's 18, he's 26. Me and her don't ever associate, so there's no threat of me "revealing" whatever she said in her e-mail to my husband. I don't know how she views him, but it just makes me uneasy. I just feel like a husband and a wife should have open communication and should want open communication... maybe I'm in a wishland...

[greeneye]

Hi Coastal-dream, I am going through exactly what is happening to you. My husband has Facebook and he has been emailing female coworkers from his work. I have had trust issues with him and I have asked to look on his email just to put my mind at ease but he thinks that every couple should have their own privacy. I do agree but considering what has happened in past I think just to get me off his back to show me.
He even blocked me from his Facebook and then after me gettingupset added me as a friend and then blocked his friends from me.
I see something wrong with that, its come to the last straw and we are separated but living together. Not just because of that but other bigger issues from the last 6 months, would love to keep in contact just to be supportive to one female to another. Be strong and be tough.

[kandyfruitcake]

She's 18, he's 26. Me and her don't ever associate, so there's no threat of me "revealing" whatever she said in her e-mail to my husband. I don't know how she views him, but it just makes me uneasy. I just feel like a husband and a wife should have open communication and should want open communication...maybe I'm in a wishland...

18 and 26? Stuff that, I thought that you meant there was a large age gap, that's no gap at all. He would date her under other circumstances? He is treating you as a doormat, and getting off on it, having two women basically pandering to him. The solution is =- do unto others as they would do unto you. Next time he disappears onto Facebook, get glammed up, and go out - and when he eventually notices and asks - say it's none of your business, we both need our privacy (as you said), so I thought I'd get some interests of my own. Get a life of your own and take control of it. You'll either get your husband back - or you won't. You haven't got him completely at the moment but the unattainable is always sweet - so just make yourself a little less attainable for him. The nights he comes home and disappears onto Facebook - don't cook for him before you go out, sling a sandwich at him. Let him get a taste of what you're feeling and see whether he grows up or whether you're better off without him. He's a jerk.