[LivingAndLearning]

My husband and I have been married a year. Up until lately, we've had our share of romps in the hay. But maybe one or two times in the previous months, he would lose his erection half-way into the game. I let it go, maybe twice, but I raised an eyebrow as to this becoming a regular thing. Lately it's been happening more frequently. Maybe five times in the past few months? I don't get it. We no longer have regular sex, which is his choice. And when we do, he always asks me to pull out my vibrator. At first I thought it was fun, but after a while, I realized it was because he had lost his erection and he wanted to play it off. Previously he mentioned it was because he was stressed out at work, but now his story has changed. He says it's because he gets anxious (as far as him performing well) and loses his train of thought. Personally, that sounds lame to me. I've had my share of "relations" and I've never had one man quit on me half way through. Last week, I was cleaning up some winter coats he had, and in the pocket of one I found a packet of Viagra. I asked him about it (I thought it was hilarious), and he said he had gotten it "2 years ago, because he wanted to please me.." I shrugged it off. We slept together a few nights after that, and again, since I had the trusty' vibrator on hand (not to mention an overly-happy happy hour), I didn't realize if he had gone out on me or not.. Tonight, it happened again. After about 4 days of not even sleeping together, half-way though, he failed on me. Honestly, I felt like garbage.

**In the past, he had mentioned to me he had very little sexual experience before me. In fact, he still stands by the idea that he was a virgin until he met me. I, on the other hand, have been completely honest about the fact that I have been in relationships, and have had a few crazy nights, but I don't regret any of it. It is what it is, why lie about it? He seemed to have no issue with it. So I've been asking him since we started dating (3yrs ago) about his past, he swears up and down he hasn't had much experience. Why he finds the need to say that, I don't know.

So tonight, I asked him why he left me hanging earlier? He started telling me stories about how one time, he was with one particular girl and he was so turned on, he (sounds so awkward saying this) released early. After that, he was always anxious about that, and it happened more than once. I guess I can understand that, but what bothers me is the idea that he was able to be so excited by others in the past (which I did not even know about), yet for me he can't even make it half-way through. I know that may sound silly to some, but it's bothering the hell out of me. I feel disgusting. I have lost control over the past few months, I know I don't exactly look like I used to two years ago. But I don't feel I should have to look like a supermodel in order for my husband of one year to want to have sex with me. I don't get it! I don't even want to sleep in the same bed with him, I feel so ty. Not only is he moping around trying to "explain" (basically repeat the same speech I was given last time this happened), but completely missing the point. I'm not mad at him for this happening. I am willing to listen to him, and we can come up with a solution. We do this on every other decision, why not this? But all he keeps doing is saying, "I know it's all mental.. I have to work on it.." He's missing the fact that 1.) I don't know a damn thing about his past, while he knows everything about mine. 2.) Feel like complete $hit because I wonder why my husband doesn't want to have sex with me, and 3.) Don't even want to see his face right now.. He's missing all those facts, and childishly apologizing for something he doesn't even think he did wrong (he just thinks it's what I'd want to hear). I'm so frusterated. I told him I am not mad (honestly, I don't want to make the guy feel bad for not being able to get it up--his ego must be deflated), and that I just want to be left alone. I don't want to argue, because I don't see a point in repeating myself over and over again, and hearing the same lame story over again. He hasn't gotten any help yet, why have faith in him now?

[hollylovesbrandon]

How old are you two?

[sasachel]

If you truly love each other you will work it out

[kraz]

What has changed in his life and in your lives together over the past couple of months, since his erection problem has surfaced?

I think if he really can't or won't talk about it, I might suggest you write him a letter spelling out how you are feeling. He can read this in his own time and think it over and then maybe he will come to you and discuss the "problem".
You could show him this post and the answers you receive?

Give him some time, as it appears it is a new problem in your relationship, and he may be embarrassed about talking. Some men tend not to talk about their emotions, feelings, health and men's problems.

[hollylovesbrandon]

I think Kraz gave a good answer.

[kp2171]

I think you are better off than you both know, but its going to take work.

Sounds like he has an honest ED issue. This can be caused by many things, including anxiety, stress, health, and on and on.

I really, really don't believe it has anything to do with you.

I don't say things I don't mean.

I don't think its about you.

I think he has some mental hangups, and even some physical barriers. ED drugs deal with very real physiological barriers to strong, lasting erections. And it isn't just for "old guys".

Personally, I've never used an ED drug, but I can tell you the quality of erection at 16 for me want the same at 26. I still can perform fine, but there's more foreplay needed, and sometimes some postitions are more favored than others. Some men are as strong three decades on. Some need help.

I do not believe for one moment that this is about you. I think its about his body not responding.

If he isn't excercising, he needs to be. If he has high blood pressure, he needs to address this. If he has stress that is mental or physical, if he has poor sleep, if he has poor self image, it all needs to be addressed.

And there is no shame in talking to a med professional, though it isn't easy. Nobody wants to admit there's problems in the bedroom.

So... he isn't a victim. He has some work to do. There isn't a free pass by saying "i had a bad experience"... and I also think you need to be kind to yourself. I know your frustration is more directed at him, but don't feel unwanted. I'm guessing he wants to please you, but doesn't have the confidence.

And there is a difference between a lover who doesn't give a damn and a lover who can't perform.

Again, that isn't reason enough for him to do nothing. You deserve more than that.

[charlotte234s]

I think maybe you ARE putting too much stress on him to perform... belittling him or blaming him for his problem will not help him at all, and it's good that you told him you are not mad, but don't just tell him you want to be left alone, you could suggest other ways to be close to each other like a romantic date or an activity that you both enjoy. His problem is not him not wanting to sleep with you, I'm sure, but you do seem to be getting upset about the whole situation, which 'm sure he realizes, and that cannot be helping him at all. What you need to do is discuss with him honestly and openly, and do not get frustrated, because it is not your fault, nor his. Talk to him perhaps about getting on some medication for erectile dysfunction , as that may help him. Tell him that even though he might have a problem right now, you still love him, desire him, find him attractive, etc.

[kp2171]

Please don't post the same question under multiple subjects... it gets confusing...


https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...me-197230.html

[Curlyben]

Threads merged

[N0help4u]

He had the Viagra for two years ago?
If he 'needed' it two years ago maybe you could ask him why he seems to have stopped taking it recently.

[LivingAndLearning]

Wow. Thanks for all of the responses, I'm new to this and just wanted to vent. I've read every comment and I agree with you all. For the person who asked how old we are, I am 27 and he is 29.

I know it's not his fault, and I know there are bigger issues marriage throws your way, but I've only been in this about 11 months. I'm frightened. I just don't get it. I keep telling myself it's not about me (and have read countless Google searches, as well as these responses), but I can't help but feel really crappy. I understand he most likely feels much worse (and that breaks me), but the major part of me feels really crappy. It may not make sense to all of you, but I feel disgusting. And very alone, I mean who can I actually talk to about this? My sister is my best friend, but I feel this is T.M.I. for his sister-in-law to know about him. I wanted to talk last night to someone, then I realized in the past year, I have cut myself off from basically all of my friends. It went from daily happy hours, to a weekly chat. From that, to a monthly "girls night out". And now, I realize I have nobody to talk to. It's one of those situations that you never expect yourself to be in. I did a lot of thinking today, and realized that I changed my entire life for this guy. Yet, I've always declared that I would never be "one of those girls". It just happened--of course I allowed it to, but I just love him so very much and am so happy to be married to him. I just get this sucky feeling in my gut that he does not feel the same. He's not even physically responding to me, how low does that make me feel?

[sylvan_1998]

The real reason you feel crappy is the BIG PINK ELEPHANT between you two and no one is talking about it. This happened with me and my husband. We are a little older than you but not much. I think ED and low testosterone are two good places to start but he needs to start with a doctor.

Remember he feels like crud also because he can not please you and is enbarassed. You don't think he should be but he is. And because of your reaction(no matter how appropriate it is) just makes it harder because he is not pleasing you and he knows how badly this makes you feel physically, mentally and emotionally.

He needs to talk to a doctor and then things will start to mesh again between you two.

[talaniman]

He needs to talk to a doctor and then things will start to mesh again between you two.

A physical would be the first place to start just to make sure, as ED can be caused by a lot of things that may not be apparent. Whatever it is, try not to take it personally, as you sound healthy and concerned. Get him to a doctor though, before we try those miracle pills.