[CuriousWife]

I met my husband when we were 21. He had just ended a very brief marriage to a woman he had lost his virginity to. He admitted to me that when he was with her he wondered if maybe he was gay because he had no interest in sex with her and only wanted to be with men.

Our sex life was great - in the beginning. We did and tried things he never had before. I was very adventure some. I also didn't know if I was straight-bi-gay either. We did love each other and got married. After we were married our sex life quickly began to evaporate. I was always the one interested, always the one initiating, he always had reason not to. Sometimes when I was just about ready to leave he would pick things up sexually and when we did it was great sex.

I remember one time when we were dating we were looking through books about sexuality in a Barnes and Nobles and there was one with pictures of men having sex with men and he damn near BROKE his neck trying to see and he REALLY wanted to check those pictures out!! I was very surprised as most guys I know don't want to see that!

I began to notice things like he only finds other men attractive; as in he will be quick to point out how good looking a man is. Though he pays no interest to beautiful women. Though he kept claiming he was not gay. Then he began becoming more and more homophobic acting; which was sooo out of character for him.

I noticed in talking that he knows more about the "mechanics" of homosexual intercourse than the average man would. Once I called him on that and he started stammering about how he saw something on a porn, I asked why was he watching gay born? He then said it was a "blooper" reel - but even that wouldn't explain what he knows!

Our sex life evaporated even more. The very few of the times we have been intimate he BEGGED me to put it in my behind.

Once during an episode on Oprah about gay married men he started to try and come out to me but I was pregnant with our 2nd child and started crying and getting really upset and he then back tracked and assurred me that he was just 'messing with me' , that he was straight.

Our marriage was perfect except his withdrawing romatically and physically. We are best friends and he will tell anyone I am a great , sexy, funny woman and the best wife a man could have- he just can't feel in love sexually for me.

Last week he dropped the bomb on me that though I am great he can't see us as more than friends and parents for our children. That his head is screwed up and he can't be the type of husband I need. Yesterday when he got home I told him that I realize he is gay. He didn't deny it, he was very relieved to get it off his chest and that I wasn't judging him. He was happier than Ive seen him ever.

He admitted he felt safe marrying me because I had struggled with my own sexuality. But then when I saw a therapits and recovered from my childhood abuse and realized I am a hetero he didn't know how to react because of the new felt pressure on himself.

I told him it didn't matter if he was gay that the kids and I would love him no matter what. I knew how hard it had been on him and how much was at stake for him with this over his head and being in the military. I suggested he get out of the military but he takes soooo much pride in his job and loves what he does so much he said he would rather be alone then lose that part of himself.

But then he started freaking out that NO one would accept him the way I had, that no one ever had his entire life ( apparently he had some traumatic experiences in school over this issue ) that his friends would ditch him, his family would ditch him, he would lose everything he worked for in his military career. He got very upset saying he didn't want to be gay, he didn't to be one of those guys on Oprah, he didn't want his kids to know he was gay or think of him that way and he would just spend the rest of his life alone. I tried my best to be understanding. I just couldn't make him realize he has nothing to be ashamed of.

A couple hours later he back tracked and started saying he does NOT think he is gay and I am just putting that on him. That NO he is not gay!

I told him I won't tell other people, I know how afraid he is of their reactions. He said then if his mother found out and people knew he would have to buy a gun; implicating he would kill himself.

I don't know what to think about this. My gut says he is gay and in serious denial. I can now see him making another HUGE mistake by once again trying to find some woman to prove his "straightness" too, to prove to himself and the world he can't possibbly be gay!! And I see it ending in more disaster.

Is he probably gay? Is it likely he will EVER accept and come to terms with what he is ?

[Benjimeister]

He probably is gay, but he's definitely lucky to have a wife that is obviously so loving and understanding. From the few details you mentioned, it seems to me that he's just very afraid of losing things that he's worked hard for, he may not understand that accepting his sexuality and being openly gay are two totally separate things. Just continue supporting and trying to understand him, and let him know everything's OK.

[smoothy]

I'll have to say based on what you said he definitely is a gay leaning bisexual, and definitely has issues with it.

Will he ever come to terms with it either way... I don't know.

[kp2171]

You're both in a tough spot.

I think you know your husband well, and you know all the reasons he retreats. He's built a life he seems to love around him with his job and kids and a woman he deeply cares for, and then he feels like a fraud.

And, while you saw some signs early on, and even suspected he might have certain tendencies, his coming back to you, engaging you in the bedroom again, working to make you stay, was enough to make you think you could work through it. Rough stuff.

So you know he is most likely gay. At the very least you know he has severe issues of intimacy with you and has told you outright he can't be more than a friend and a father. Not that I'm saying its healthy, just asking: if he restrained his urges, could you accept this relationship long term? If this is how things are going to be, no better, no worse, where do you stand?

I don't think you can do all the work here. You can't do all the heavy lifting. And I certainly don't think its right for you to deny yourself a loving relationship for the real fear of this ending in disaster... you obviously love him, but you can't save him from himself.

Any chance of marriage counseling? I know... he says he isn't gay, but a person without conflict doesn't say he is, then maybe, then he is absolutely not.

[Choux]

You both need professional help dealing with this problem. You don't want discussing this problem to degenerate into shouting matches, rancor and character assassination. In addition, there are two children involved in the situation, and their welfare must be kept in mind.

[Foxyarse]

I met my husband when we were 21. He had just ended a very brief marriage to a woman he had lost his virginity to. He admitted to me that when he was with her he wondered if maybe he was gay because he had no interest in sex with her and only wanted to be with men.

Our sex life was great - in the beginning. We did and tried things he never had before. I was very adventure some. I also didnt know if I was straight-bi-gay either. We did love each other and got married. After we were married our sex life quickly began to evaporate. I was always the one interested, always the one initiating, he always had reason not to. Sometimes when I was just about ready to leave he would pick things up sexually and when we did it was great sex.

I remember one time when we were dating we were looking through books about sexuality in a Barnes and Nobles and there was one with pictures of men having sex with men and he damn near BROKE his neck trying to see and he REALLY wanted to check those pictures out !!! I was very surprised as most guys I know dont want to see that!

I began to notice things like he only finds other men attractive; as in he will be quick to point out how good looking a man is. Though he pays no interest to beautiful women. Though he kept claiming he was not gay. Then he began becoming more and more homophobic acting; which was sooo out of charachter for him.

I noticed in talking that he knows more about the "mechanics" of homosexual intercourse than the average man would. Once I called him on that and he started stammering about how he saw something on a porn, I asked why was he watching gay born? He then said it was a "blooper" reel - but even that wouldnt explain what he knows!

Our sex life evaporated even more. The very few of the times we have been intimate he BEGGED me to put it in my behind.

Once during an episode on Oprah about gay married men he started to try and come out to me but I was pregnant with our 2nd child and started crying and getting really upset and he then back tracked and assurred me that he was just 'messing with me' , that he was straight.

Our marriage was perfect except his withdrawing romatically and physically. We are best friends and he will tell anyone I am a great , sexy, funny woman and the best wife a man could have- he just can't feel in love sexually for me.

Last week he dropped the bomb on me that though I am great he can't see us as more than friends and parents for our children. That his head is screwed up and he can't be the type of husband I need. Yesterday when he got home I told him that I realize he is gay. He didnt deny it, he was very relieved to get it off his chest and that I wasnt judging him. He was happier than Ive seen him ever.

He admitted he felt safe marrying me because I had struggled with my own sexuality. But then when I saw a therapits and recovered from my childhood abuse and realized I am a hetero he didnt know how to react because of the new felt pressure on himself.

I told him it didnt matter if he was gay that the kids and I would love him no matter what. I knew how hard it had been on him and how much was at stake for him with this over his head and being in the military. I suggested he get out of the military but he takes soooo much pride in his job and loves what he does so much he said he would rather be alone then lose that part of himself.

But then he started freaking out that NO one would accept him the way I had, that no one ever had his entire life ( apparently he had some traumatic experiences in school over this issue ) that his friends would ditch him, his family would ditch him, he would lose everything he worked for in his military career. He got very upset saying he didnt want to be gay, he didnt to be one of those guys on Oprah, he didnt want his kids to know he was gay or think of him that way and he would just spend the rest of his life alone. I tried my best to be understanding. I just couldnt make him realize he has nothing to be ashamed of.

A couple hours later he back tracked and started saying he does NOT think he is gay and I am just putting that on him. That NO he is not gay!

I told him I wont tell other people, I know how afraid he is of their reactions. He said then if his mother found out and people knew he would have to buy a gun; implicating he would kill himself.

I dont know what to think about this. My gut says he is gay and in serious denial. I can now see him making another HUGE mistake by once again trying to find some woman to prove his "straightness" too, to prove to himself and the world he can't possibbly be gay!!! And I see it ending in more disaster.

Is he probably gay? Is it likely he will EVER accept and come to terms with what he is ?

He is bisexual... like a vast number of men!

[greggles]

I think you're both very strong to be able to confront and accept the situation you both have been led to in your lives. That's great.

I would advise you to just take a deep breath and make a conscious choice not to judge anything-- whether he's "gay" or "straight" or blue or red or green or whatever. And not to judge yourself either--not to beat yourself up about your own decisions. On one level as understanding as you may be of your husband, and as willing as you are to accept him, I'm sure there are some complex feelings in there too--perhaps some anger, too. That's normal.

What a lot of people don't realize is that these terms "gay," "straight," "bi," etc. are just approximations that society has come up with to describe particular behaviors or desires or fantasies. The parameters of each of those categories are very negotiable and arguable. In other societies, the definitions are completely different. In Korea, for example, it's perfectly normal for "straight" --and very butch--men to sleep in each other's arms and sometimes even mess around with each other, all the while talking about girls and never been seen as gay. In Samoa, there is a third gender of men who dress as women and only date "heterosexual" men. Those men, in turn, have no problem or no stigma for having sexual relations with those "lady men" (fafafine), even though in effect we Americans would categorize their behavior as "gay." They believe firmly that they are involved with a woman and therefore they are "straight."

I'm just saying all of that to say it's up to YOU TWO to define who you are and how you relate to each other, sexually and otherwise. If you're as close as you seem to be and you love him and accept him that much, I'd invite you to see if you both can open up to and embrace his sexuality more fully so that there's space for him to see you as his ally and friend while he comes to terms with his own fantasies and desires. It gets sticky in terms of his wanting to have actual experiences with male partners, and what you two decide about that, but honestly I have known MANY happily married couples who marry for the sake of their enduring friendship while each partner is able to pursue their own romantic/sexual relationships-- with very clear ground rules. In fact I once knew a minister couple--the husband was gay and the wife was lesbian, but they lived their whole lives very happily together and even produced two children--all the while having their own friendships with other men and women. They were married fifty years.

Good luck! It's not a disaster-- it's a wonderful opportunity to grow and learn more about human nature.