[Reecie]

I have a three year old grandchild who I absolutely adore. His parents are not married and they are also in a big custody battle.

I only get to see this child about once a month, if I'm lucky.

This child has started calling me Butthead. He also said I was a man.

He has seen a lot of verbal fighting with his parents. I try to keep total peace when he's at my house.

I'm wondering if a three year old could be thinking this up to call me or if his mother and two step sisters are telling him to call me these names. One is 18 the other is 15.

I distraught over it. To the point he may be better off not coming to my house at all. I know he's very sentative and he picks up on a lot of things. His mother wanted me to return him to his nursery. I was on the phone with her and I had told her I thought I needed to return to my son's house because that's where I had gotten him and I didn't want to take him to the nursery crying that he didn't want to go. I thought one of his parents should be doing that. That's one of the times he called me a butthead.

I'm puzzled. Does a three year old have the mental ability to call people names?

[N0help4u]

Kids his age pick up on a lot of things in their environment. He may not even realize what he is saying to the extent of how it is taken.
His parents are probably watching shows like Bevis and Butthead and/or his parents and siblings are calling each other those names.

[mariposa11]

As the mom of a 3 year old, yes, they are capable of name calling. Sometimes my son repeats what he has heard, but when he can't recall a mean word he has no trouble making up his own derogatory terms. (I say derogatory because of the tone of voice and gestures he uses.) The best thing you can do is not involve yourself in the fight between your son and his ex. No matter how you feel, she is likely to be a big part of your grandson's life, and if you EVER want time with him outside of borrowing from your son's time, you need to keep the peace with his ex, despite whatever you believe she may be saying about you. Believe me, I understand how hard it can be. I am the mom of beautiful child whose dad uses her like a weapon, and whose mom is always interfering on his behalf. So although we see things from different vantage points, we are in similar situations. My only advice to you is to make the time you spend with this kid the best it can be. Have fun, laugh, build memories, and say nothing at all negative about his mommy, because if you play the game her way, you will only hurt your own relationship with him. The nicer you are about his mom, the more he will question his mother's interpretation of you, and the more likely he will want you in his life, despite her protests. At best, she can only control him and his whereabouts for part of 18 years. You have a lifetime to spend together after that.

[Reecie]

Mariposa11

Thank you so much for your input. Believe me, I'm so aware of what you said. I never say anything about either parent to this child. My son goes months without speaking to me, if he speaks to me and asks me to keep the child then the mother will not speak to me. The child is definitely suffering from the fighting that goes on with his parents. The little boy hears me talking to his mother on the cell phone as I was taking him to his Dad's house to return him where I got him from. If you could have seen the facial expressions he was making while I was talking with his mother on the phone. She wanted me to take the child to the nursery. The child was begging me not to go there. He was begging for his Father. I had gotten him from his father's house. I felt I should take him back to the parent who asked me to pick him up because he was not feeling well. That's the only time I get to keep him is when he's sick. The mother was mad with me because I told her I would like to take him back where I got him and that the two of them should work it out. I told her I did not want to be in the middle of this. Now, of course the mother has withdrawn from me. When the child hear me on the phone with his mother he started rolling his eyes in the top of his head, then making spit on his lips, griping his hand tight and covering his eyes. I'm so worried about how much stress this child is under. I try so hard for him to have total peace at my house. I don't talk about either one of them. I only get to see him if he's sick and can't go to nursery. The mother had rather have him in the nursey than to be with his Dad or me. She has a 15 and 18 years old by another man. She seems to have plenty of baby sitters. I wish there was something I could do but I can only stand back and watch these two destroy a precious child.

Thanks for writing.

Reecie

[mommy2three]

I have a three year old grandchild who I absolutely adore. His parents are not married and they are also in a big custody battle.

I only get to see this child about once a month, if I'm lucky.

This child has started calling me Butthead. He also said I was a man.

He has seen a lot of verbal fighting with his parents. I try to keep total peace when he's at my house.

I'm wondering if a three year old could be thinking this up to call me or if his mother and two step sisters are telling him to call me these names. One is 18 the other is 15.

I distraught over it. To the point he may be better off not coming to my house at all. I know he's very sentative and he picks up on a lot of things. His mother wanted me to return him to his nursery. I was on the phone with her and i had told her I thought I needed to return to my son's house because that's where I had gotten him and I didn't want to take him to the nursery crying that he didn't want to go. I thought one of his parents should be doing that. That's one of the times he called me a butthead.

I'm puzzled. Does a three year old have the mental ability to call people names?

I have two sons 4yrs and 6 yrs they definitely can make up there own mean words. My sons call each other names all the time. They get them from kids at school and TV. So I wouldn't assume anything. He probably doesn't even realize that he is being hurtful.

[N0help4u]

You say he does this when you are on the phone with his mother
And she wants you to take him to her or the nursery but you want to take him where he wants to go anyway ---SO I THINK it could possibly be his reaction to his mother for the most part.
He could be taking his frustration out on you over the whole situation as well.
I think the thing you should probably do is the next time he is over sit him down and tell him that you really care about him no matter how things go.
I think it may be a good idea to do that anyway because if mom is acting this way then it might come down to her keeping him from you. When kids are kept away from another parent or grandparent often they think it is the other parent or grandparent that does not love them any more. I know your son would never do that to you, but she could make it rough on him too.

[Reecie]

If you have any idea what I go through with both of these adults. I'm so distraught. All I have to do is breath and either one of his parents will with hold him from me. He is my only grandson and I'm almost to the point of just giving up on ever seeing him. The mother of the child is impossible as well as my son. I can see this child has seen too much verbal fighting. If a psychologist could have seen how up set the child got after his mother got off the phone with me. He rolled is eyes in the top of his head, he clinched his hands very tight like a fist until he shook. This is not the first time he has experienced this. The mother in the past has made my son meet him at a fast food restaurant to exchange him. This poor child has been through hell. The reason I didn't mind the mother is the child was upset and she was at work. I felt at that point my son should take over. If you only knew who I feel so sorry for the adorable little boy. The mother never stops ing. It's about everything. I have given her so much you can't believe it but all I have to do is breath the wrong way and I'm out of the child's life. It is an impossible situation. I wish I could have the child taken away from both of them. They are in a constant battle.

Thank you so much for answer my mail.

Your answer was as good as it could be since you don't really know all of the circumstances. I have offered to pay for a wonderful child psychologist and both the parents already think they know everything.

There is northing left for the boy but prayer.

Thank you.

[mariposa11]

Ah, it's probably too late to respond by now, but I will try anyway. I have to say that the fast food exchange is absolutely harmless. As a matter of fact, it is likely the best thing for your grandson that his parents meet in a public place that is neutral ground because it probably forces them both to behave better. I know you want to jump in and set them both straight, but learning to parent takes time, and when you harbor anger and hostility toward the other parent of your child, it takes even longer. So I would expect them to behave badly for a while. You can not change that. As long as the boy is cared for and his basic needs are met and he is not abused, you have to move forward too. That is not to say you shouldn't be vigilant. But if your concern is spending time with your grandson, sue both of his parents for visitation rights. As a grandma, you have that ability. Consult an attorney.

[Moparbyfar]

Ah, it's probably too late to respond by now, but I will try anyway. I have to say that the fast food exchange is absolutely harmless. As a matter of fact, it is likely the best thing for your grandson that his parents meet in a public place that is neutral ground because it probably forces them both to behave better. I know you want to jump in and set them both straight, but learning to parent takes time, and when you harbor anger and hostility toward the other parent of your child, it takes even longer. So I would expect them to behave badly for a while. You can not change that. As long as the boy is cared for and his basic needs are met and he is not abused, you have to move forward too. That is not to say you shouldn't be vigilant. But if your concern is spending time with your grandson, sue both of his parents for visitation rights. As a grandma, you have that ability. Consult an attorney.

Hi Grandma of one. Don't give up on seeing this poor wee soul. It sounds like you might be the closest thing to "stable" that he will ever get and that means a lot to kids, even when they get older.

When my son was 3 my parents came to visit from miles away and at the time my partner and I were having huge problems - there was verbal abuse, argueing etc and unfortunately our son saw and heard a lot.

Anyway on this one occasion my son told his Grandad to *! #@! Off! Of course my Dad was appalled and did the worst thing ever... held a grudge, for a very long time (nearly 5 yrs). Only recently did he realise that he was only 3 and didn't have any good influences around him at the time either. (Things have changed drastically!)

I feel sorry for my son, not only because of the bad examples we as parents were being but also for missing out on that special bond between a grandparent and child.

You are being used by your grandsons parents emotionally and physically and this is not fair but please don't give up on him as things could change for the better down the track.

I feel there is no easy road from where you are luvvy.

[mariposa11]

That's a shame. But that means it all falls into your hands as far as how much time you get to spend with your grandson. Until there is a final custody order you have to do your best to play it up to both sides. Once the order is made you can "borrow" from your son's time, or you can try to establish some sort of civil relationship with his mother. I know it isn't easy, especially when you feel like you are walking on eggshells, but hang in there. Just try to earn her trust, even when you want to wring her neck. That is not to say you should lie around like a doormat. If you pick the kid up when he's sick and there is no custody order, you can return him to either parent legally. If you want to avoid the hassle, just let it be known that you'll gladly pick him up, but don't want to get involved in their custody dispute, so you will agree to keep him until one of his parents is able to get there to pick him up from you. Seems fair to me. Then you let them battle it out together. Legally, if either one of them comes for the child while there is no custody order, you can not refuse to turn that child over unless he is in danger. (i.e. a parent is intoxicated or has no car seat, etc... ) So you send the child with the first parent to arrive and you are no longer involved in the argument that ensues. It is hard, but you will all come through it and I promise, there are better days to look forward to.