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dustyangel · Mar 7, 2008, 07:52 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for almost ten months. At the beginning of the relationship as it always happens he was very attentive, we would go out almost every weekend and did a lot of things together. After a few months he stopped coming by as often and blamed the lack of time on work. A few months ago I found out I was pregnant... he was thrilled and reassure me that he would be there for me and our child. We moved in together but I couldn't handle it and asked him to move out... I am very independent and felt a bit suffocated. He wasn't happy about it. Since then he has been more distant. I don't know where he is living he says with his cousin. I haven't met his parents and that has bothered me from the beginning. I confronted him several times and he always denies that he is cheating and tells me he's just working a lot specially now since we have a baby on the way. I hate the fact that he keeps me in the dark about a lot of things. We haven't been intimate in a little over two weeks and that was a big red flag for me. I confronted him about it and he said making money right now is more important. Sometimes he tells me he's coming by and then he won't show up or even call. I've had it. So I text him today and told him I wanted to be free and not to contact me for a while. I need time to think about myself and take care of my baby I can't keep stressing over this. I don't want to have to be wonderign every day and doubting every word he said. He is very convincing with his responses but at the end of the day I don't feel good about them. I wished I could find a way to know for sure but I'm not the detective type and for now I just decided to distance myself from the situation. Please let me know what you think and what would you do or think in my situation. Thank you

JoeCanada76 · Mar 8, 2008, 01:07 AM

You kicked him out? You asked him to move out?

Sorry but even if he goes out with other people now. That is his choice, and why would you consider it cheating? If he is not with you anymore.

You might be pregnant but by pushing him away the way you did. How else is he suppose to react?

If somebody did that to you, you would be distant too. Does it matter where he is staying, no.

I think if you can not trust. Your always questioning somebody, that this can end a relationship which sounds like it already did.

As far as you want to take care of YOUR baby, remember it is also his baby too.

You made the decisions that are now effecting you. Your trying to blame him for all of it, but you're the one that kept pushing him away, by the sounds of everything you wrote.

I am not trying to be mean, but you need to look in the mirror and realize that it is not just one person but your decisions that have effected this outcome.

Do not shut him out as far as being a father, but it is obvious to me that your personality type. You might need to learn how to feel more comfortable in a relationship. For now your better off staying out of any relationship until you figure out why your having trust issues. Also dealing with commitement issues that you have.

No matter what though now that your going to be having a child, you need to have some sort of working relationship with this other person. Especially by what it sounds like he wants to be a part of the child's life.

youcantstop48 · Mar 8, 2008, 02:02 AM

You're the one that pushed him out the door so whatever he does now doesn't matter, I honestly don't blame him... you pushing him away if you really cared was the wrong thing to do, but if it makes you feel better to put the blame on him then so be it...

youcantstop48 · Mar 8, 2008, 02:03 AM

The real ? Is, were you the one cheating??

s_cianci · Mar 8, 2008, 07:09 AM

Wow! Talk about mixed messages! You kicked him out, despite being pregnant with his child, because you're "very independent and feel a bit suffocated". Then you have the gall to complain about his working long hours, "keeping you in the dark", lack of intimacy, etc? And now you say that you've decided to "distance yourrself from the situation"? I hate to tell you this but there's no "distancing" yourself now ; not with a child on the way. The only legitimate red flag you've mentioned is not being introduced to his parents. But overall your post sounds more like it's from a college student than a mother-to-be. Your first and foremost responsibility is now to your child, and the father runs a close second. Hopefully he'll see things the same way and make you and the child his top priorities. But that won't happen if he doesn't sense the same being reciprocated by you.

dustyangel · Mar 8, 2008, 08:27 AM

I appreciate your answers but perhaps I wasn't too clear on my post. When I asked him to move out we didn't break up, he simply moved out. He only lived with me for a week because he had issues with his landlord and I offered him to stay with me, we were trying it out to see how we could get along living together. He was being distance even before he moved in. I know how he has treated me in the past few months and is not right. Saying one thing doing another, he's not reliable. I caught him on many lies and always ended up giving him the benefit of the doubt when I should have gone with my initial judgement. He has a son from another girl and she doesn't let him see him which I think is horrible. I would never do that to him. I am sorry if I sound inmature I am not, just confused since I can't make up my mind about someone who is very manipulative and good with words. I am trusting and a bit naïve about people, I always try to see the best in them but I end up getting hurt in the end. I agree that I have trust issues and commitment issues I've been hurt bad before and is not easy I really tried with this person, gave him all the benefits of the doubt till now. Whenever I've tried to talk about our relationship he just makes jokes and laughs it off. He doesn't take me or my feelings seriously. The reason for me distancing myself is because he acts like everything is fine, I would still be his girlfriend if I didn't break up with him and to him it would all be cool but only on his terms and on his time. I believe he is a selfish person. He really wanted this baby. In fact, although I am 100% responsible for this pregnancy for not being on the pill, he took off the condom without me noticing it. Not a very nice thing to do and still I didn't blow up on him because it was my responsibility too but to me is the principal of it we hadn't discussed having a baby and that hurts.

dustyangel · Mar 8, 2008, 08:36 AM

I appreciate your answers but perhaps I wasn't too clear on my post. When I asked him to move out we didn't break up, he simply moved out. He only lived with me for a week because he had issues with his landlord and I offered him to stay with me, we were trying it out to see how we could get along living together. He was being distance even before he moved in. I know how he has treated me in the past few months and is not right. Saying one thing doing another, he's not reliable. I caught him on many lies and always ended up giving him the benefit of the doubt when I should have gone with my initial judgement. He has a son from another girl and she doesn't let him see him which I think is horrible. I would never do that to him. I am sorry if I sound inmature I am not, just confused since I can't make up my mind about someone who is very manipulative and good with words. I am trusting and a bit naïve about people, I always try to see the best in them but I end up getting hurt in the end. I agree that I have trust issues and commitment issues I've been hurt bad before and is not easy I really tried with this person, gave him all the benefits of the doubt till now. Whenever I've tried to talk about our relationship he just makes jokes and laughs it off. He doesn't take me or my feelings seriously. The reason for me distancing myself is because he acts like everything is fine, I would still be his girlfriend if I didn't break up with him and to him it would all be cool but only on his terms and on his time. I believe he is a selfish person. He really wanted this baby. In fact, although I am 100% responsible for this pregnancy for not being on the pill, he took off the condom without me noticing it. Not a very nice thing to do and still I didn't blow up on him because it was my responsibility too but to me is the principal of it we hadn't discussed having a baby and that hurts.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 8, 2008, 10:40 AM

Even with the newer information, or the more clearer picture. I stand behind everything that I said before. The relationship is over, and you need to stop and end it. Your better off without. As far having him part of the baby's life. I believe that is what you want and he wants.

N0help4u · Mar 8, 2008, 11:12 AM

I agree with the others
You kicked him out so he feels in the dark about what it is you expect in a relationship.
If he made you feel suffocated then it is apparent you are not interested in a relationship at least with him.
IF he is "cheating" it is probably because he doesn't want to feel left up in the air on what your relationship is suppose to be and he may feel that if he doesn't move on he is wasting precious time on something that may go nowhere.
You say you felt suffocated with him living with you but you seem to want him...
so how would you define what you want in a good solid relationship with him?
It doesn't sound like marriage is in the equation so what is he TO think?

dustyangel · Mar 8, 2008, 02:21 PM

Thank you for all your comments. Maybe you are all right. I thought I loved and wanted this person in my life but I see how I have mixed feelings about it. What I need to focus on at this point is me and the baby. I will start counseling to get me through some of my commitment and trust issues. I was abandoned as a child so I tend to push people away before they have a chance to leave me. I need to get help so I can be a good parent to my child and hopefully a better partner to someone else someday. Thank you again for being honest with me even if it hurt a little.

talaniman · Mar 8, 2008, 03:20 PM

Reality is the baby has a father, and whether you face the fact or not, you are tied to this fellow, for a long time to come, so adjust your thinking to include the father. You both must put the child's welfare first, no matter how you may feel about each other. Your issues are yours to deal with, and not your child's, or his. Hope it works out.

dustyangel · Mar 8, 2008, 03:48 PM

You are absolutely right. Please understand that just because I may not be good at relationships doesn't mean I didn't have feelings for him. I am not a cold hearted person who uses people and then kicks them out. So of course he will be part of my life and our child. I want him to be there, I grew up without a father so I know first hand how tough it is. I am just mad at myself for not being able to be in a healthy relationship and I wanted to take some time to sort things out in my head. If men go to their "caves" whenever they need to to process things why can't women? I am pregnant and there's nothing I would want more then to have him by my side. If HE loved me he would still be trying to work things out instead of thinking about his crushed ego. Oh and lastly to answer the question that I was the one cheating that can't be further from the truth. What good can possibly come from cheating I never understood it, if you don't love someone or you are not sure of how you are feeling you have to end it or try to make things work.

N0help4u · Mar 8, 2008, 04:00 PM

You 'can go to your cave' and process things but in the meantime he can be out processing a new life for himself so you need to process and weigh the options before you end up totally losing him.
I have been alone so long that I sometimes think I would have a hard time adjusting if I ever did live in the same house with a bf/husband again so I can understand where you are coming from but you need to get on the ball and determine what you want and act on it.
You can't blame him if in the meantime he moves on with his life.
Also you do not want to put your decision off too long.
Play out in your mind how you see things going in your life without him

And then with how you see things if you decided you want him back in your life AND living with you and ways you think the two of you can adjust.

Talk with him about exactly how you feel about your past effecting your judgment and your emotions and all. Tell him how you feel about him but it is hard for you adjusting to the idea of somebody actually in your life.

dustyangel · Mar 8, 2008, 04:32 PM

I agree. My problem has been that every time I try to communicate he changes the subject or makes fun of things. He also likes to cut me off and critize my accent, english is my second language. He used to find it cute. Things have definetely changed and I don't know what else to do, the only thing I know is run away. I really tried, I wanted things to work out with us I just didn't know how to make things work. He didn't help so I always felt I was in this fight by myself. That's the main reason why I gave up on him. The beginning of this topic was if he was cheating since I really broke things off two days ago so he's shady behaviour was from long ago even before I "kicked him out". He is not the type to sit down and talk, he is afraid of confrontation or just likes to avoid and argument in case he has to admit he's doing something wrong. For the sake of our child I would like to work on our relationship I would even consider counseling for the both of us but I don't know how he would take that. He needs to show me that he wants to be in this relationship too and fight for it like I was, otherwise there's really nothing to salvage.

dustyangel · Mar 8, 2008, 04:38 PM

One more thing... if he's moving on with his life this quickly then the answer to my question as far as wanting me and trying to work things out has been answered.

N0help4u · Mar 8, 2008, 04:39 PM

If he is now cutting you off and making fun of the things he use to like about you
That means one of two things
1. It is a defense mechanism because he is hurt and doesn't like confrontations
OR
2. He has given up on wanting to make it work with you and doesn't care to come right out and say he no longer wants to be with you anyway.

dustyangel · Mar 8, 2008, 04:41 PM

I wished he had he courage to say it but he never does... keeping me around and making me guess seems more fun.

talaniman · Mar 8, 2008, 04:50 PM

Maybe that's how he was raised, or was taught by life, but for whatever reasons, you are not a match, but can be good parents. If he can't do that, then he is a bum in my book, and you should celebrate his departure.

dustyangel · Mar 8, 2008, 05:06 PM

I agree. ALL of your advise and comments have been a great help to me in trying to figure out what to do. I thank and appreciate the time you took to answer to my post. I think I will continue with taking time off and see if he comes around, if he really cares he will fight for me and do what any man in love would do... sit down and have an adult conversation to begin the healing process. Unfortunally I don't see that happening. No matter the outcome he will always be the father of my child and for that I will respect him and any decision he makes, I don't want to hold any resentment or hard feelings towards him because in the end is not about us anymore. Good luck to all of you and thank you once more you have really helped me.

dustyangel · Mar 12, 2008, 10:56 AM

Ok I'm back... things have taken a turn for the worse. I tried to keep it civil by sending him a very clear email letting him know why I needed some time off and that this does not mean he will not be part of his child's life. I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore because of his lack of involvement in the relationship and my doubts of him (wether they were founded or not). I even told him that I understood if he can't be in a monogamous relationship but that I wanted that and deserved better. He first replied very angry and inmature. He said "fine then i don't want to be with you either" "don't ever call me or email me again". My reaction was like fine then we will take some time to heal and we will talk again when we can both have our heads clear and can have a friendship for the sake of our baby. Well, that night he called me non stop. I did not answer. He then texted me saying I was a horrible person and how can I keep him away from his unborn child, that he wants to be in his/her life now and I'm keeping him from it. I almost begged him for two weeks to spend time with me. Valentine's day came around not a single rose. My birthday nothing, xmas nothing. Last time we went out was three months ago. Now he wants to be around? Why? Because he can't. That's the only reason I can think of. After two days of not answering his text or calls I text him and told him I had nothing left to say to him. He called me ten times in a row that night. I finally answered. I told him if he cared about me he needed to give me my space and time. He said "you are being irrational, don't you want a family?" I said of course I do but not with you. I want him to understand that he cannot use me anymore. I am not his possession. I am not someone who will wait for him to come around when is convenient for him. I know I am venting here but I don't know what else to do. He should be happy to have his freedom to do whatever he wants. I reassured him that he will be part of his child's life... what else does he want? He threatened me the other day saying that it will not be that easy to get rid of him, that it won't be hard to get to my apartment floor because my building doesn't have much security. I told him he doesn't scare me and that only confirms what type of person he really is. This morning he text me apologizing for everything he has said. I have not replied. It is the never ending story with him even if I believe him now and forgive him I will be back here telling you how he's being distant, dishonest and shady again. I can't live like this.