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DMA · Mar 3, 2008, 03:58 PM

I recently cut myself. Never done it before. I read up about cutting and it said people do it to release emotional pain, but doesn't sound like me. I'm not sure.

At the time I was thinking how I have absolutely no control over anything that's going on in my life. Then I cut myself. It hurt a lot, but I felt better afterwards. I felt pleased with myself. I created this pain myself. I was in control.

Do you think that's why I did it? I think I'm just looking for someone to talk to right now :'(

peggyhill · Mar 3, 2008, 04:12 PM

Originally Posted by DMA

I recently cut myself. Never done it before. I read up about cutting and it said people do it to release emotional pain, but doesn't sound like me. I'm not sure.

At the time I was thinking how I have absolutely no control over anything that's going on in my life. Then I cut myself. It hurt a lot, but I felt better afterwards. I felt pleased with myself. I created this pain myself. I was in control.

Do you think that's why I did it? I think I'm just looking for someone to talk to right now :'(

I think you may be onto something there. Often people will cut because it is something they can be in control of. The best thing you can do right now is to tell someone. Tell your parents, a teacher or counselor, a good friend, a minister, whoever you feel comfortable talking to about this. Here is a link that might help you understand more about cutting:

Self-Injury - Why Do I Keep Cutting Myself?

What all is going on in your life right now that you don't have control of? I'm on here a lot if you need to talk, and so are lots of other great people who I'm sure will be along to give you advice. I think that you should really tell someone about this right away, so that you can start feeling better soon! Hang in there!

DMA · Mar 3, 2008, 05:29 PM

I don't have control of anything (apart from trivial things like should I have a cheese or ham sandwich for lunch?). Especially my feelings I am not in control of. I think it was a sudden realization rather than something that had just happened that day.

Imagine trying to drive a car. Except the steering doesn't work. You can't speed up or slow down. You would like to stop and get out, or even better would be to put it in reverse but you can't. If that's my life then I've stopped trying to control it. I've lost the will and given up. Car is headed into a brick wall and I will just sit there and watch it come with me inside.

Phason · Mar 4, 2008, 01:13 AM

I know how you feel. Feel free to chat with me. But I do feel the same away. Except I don't cut

YeloDasy · Mar 5, 2008, 10:37 PM

The loss of control is a feeling... and you did have an emotional release. It does make sense. You do need to talk to someone about it, a professional. I think it is great you are reaching out the first time you cut... but get help from someone who knows how to help you get control back in your life. The loss of control is just the start of a domino of feelings that exist... and I hear helplessness and hopelessness from you. IF you don't mind, how old are you?

DMA · Mar 6, 2008, 06:58 AM

I am 21. Maybe if I was younger I could just think "well it will be better when I am older. more freedom and more independence". Trying to tell myself to simply pull together and get on with it doesn't seem to help.

templelane · Mar 6, 2008, 07:26 AM

What's happening in your life right now?

YeloDasy · Mar 6, 2008, 08:16 AM

What do you wish you had control over but you don't feel you do?

DMA · Mar 6, 2008, 12:43 PM

A few things have happened I had no control over... they are all in the past I hope now. Going to try not to worry about them now. People tell me what to do. But I may have brought that on myself since I have become passive. Let the situations resolve themselves if I don't want to deal with things.

That I think I can try and cope with and try and change. But what I'm struggling with is feelings. I don't have control over how I feel. I think I have been taught from very young age it's not good to show how you feel. Even better to not have feelings in the first place. Lets say I've only been in touch with how I feel for the last 6 months... in that time I've been really depressed and thinking about suicide, then to complete worthlessness and despair, now distressed and I cut myself. There has been no significant changes to my circumstances in that time that I can think of.

I just want to be happy. I don't know if I can help myself.

babigirl1 · Mar 6, 2008, 10:50 PM

I was once a cutter myself. Once I gained control over it, Ii felt much better that cutting. I have all these scars from it and I hate them, but they remind me that I have control of it now. If you keep on cutting you will lise control of it as well. I hear you saying you have no control over your life. I had to find a safe person in my life that when I wanted to cut I would pick that phone up and call her. I made a promise to her that I would. Talking about what is going on with you is so much better than cutting. Girl you don't want all the scars like I have. And you sure don't want to be hurting yourself just because others have. The one person you should love is yourself and take time for yourself. Relax, do something special for yourself. Have me time. We are all hear for you. I have cmae to this site several times with things and I always find someone that can help. They all so in even a small way. PLEASE find someone you can talk to. That will not judge you no matter what. I'm sure you already know that person. Pray about it and let God show you who that person is and ask him to give you the power over this.

peggyhill · Mar 8, 2008, 02:14 PM

Also, see if you can channel your emotional pain into something else. When you start having all those feelings, go right away and let them out in a positive way instead of cutting. Punch a punching bad, go for a run around the block, paint or draw how you feel, whatever form of expression you like most. But it will help you to let things out. Also, give yourself a time each day when you can just let it all out emotionally. Cry, punch a pillow, scream, just let it all out. Holding emotions in is the worst thing you can do right now. When you let it out in a positive way, it can help you to heal.

I think if you have been feeling suicidal, it would also be good to go to the doctor. Make sure you don't have a chemical imbalance of some sort and rule that out. Then you could also ask the doctor for a referral to a good counselor, because it's good to have some help from one when you are feeling so sad.

DMA · Mar 18, 2008, 03:46 PM

Originally Posted by babigirl1

PLEASE find someone you can talk to. that will not judge you no matter what. I'm sure you already know that person. Pray about it and let God show you who that person is and ask him to give you the power over this.

Yes I do know that person. But as of last week they are not going to be around anymore (out of my control *sigh*).

So I haven't cut myself again. But I did do something else pretty stupid yesterday. Took a bit of an overdose... don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking. I don't think I want to kill myself... I don't know. I was distressed and a bit angry/upset. Wanted to smash something up and did do some damage. Felt bad about it and felt like I just can't cope anymore... started swallowing sleeping pills. Erm... reading that back sounds worse than it really is. Or maybe it is that bad :(

YeloDasy · Mar 18, 2008, 05:23 PM

I would really suggest a counselor... to help you through this part... you don't sound like you feel in control of your life, your behaviors, and your emotions to follow. You are pretty hard on yourself... and it is effecting yourself worth. You are worthy of taking back control and feeling good about who you are, why you are feeling the way you are feeling, and how to channel into positive changes... and it sounds like you need help in doing this... you can even call a hotline anonymously... where do you live?

DMA · Mar 28, 2008, 04:38 AM

I cut myself again. This time I dug the blade in deeper and watched myself bleed as I dragged it across my arm. It didn't hurt but I did feel it.

I feel so alone with no one to talk to please help. I think I will do it again it felt good. I don't know why I should try and stop it made me feel better. I am ugly anyway it's not like a few scars are going to make any difference.

I am already on waiting list to see someone to see whether I need counseling or not. I don't know what to do.

YeloDasy · May 19, 2008, 10:02 AM

How are things going DMA?

DMA · May 19, 2008, 11:16 AM

Originally Posted by YeloDasy

How are things going DMA?

Not too bad thanks. Don't feel like cutting for the last month I think. Took so long to see a counselor that it didn't help at all in the end. I took some control for myself, I decided a new exercise routine and I'm controlling my diet. Little things like that have helped. Talking to one person in particular has helped me, I will never forget her.

Choux · May 20, 2008, 04:19 PM

Just knock it off!

I read an article that cutting is becoming a fad among young people. That is probably the case with you.

Keep in mind that everyone's goal in life is to be happy. Don't sabotage yourself and set yourself up for years and years of misery.

Be well. :)

templelane · May 21, 2008, 06:07 AM

I realise that should have been uneducated. Oh the irony.

I hate giving reddies but that kind of 'get happy approach' can lead to people not seeking help and feeling further isolated or blaming themselves for things out with their control. I know many people who self harm and attitudes like that just prolonged their problems and in one case almost led to their death.

Self harm is not a fad, it is not to be dismissed lightly as teenage angst. I know you meant well but you could have easily done more damage than good.

I really suggest you read some of the intro pages of this website It can help you understand what deliberate self harm is actually about. It is one of the best support websites I have found on the web.

secret shame (self-injury information and support)

templelane · May 22, 2008, 01:15 AM

Shame in you Choux for being so prejudiced.

The reason why I criticised your answer is because I believe it is dangerous.

I used to self harm and I hid it and never sought help. Ever. Why? Because I was ashamed, I knew people would dismiss it as "just a fad." I would hate for DMA to do the same, delaying treatment and help for fear he won't be taken seriously.

When you are that low and vulnerable small slights are taken to heart. Someone not believing your pain may be the last straw. I knew I wasn't strong enough to face that. Once I sat bleeding for hours soaking blood though so many clothes because I would have rather died than gotten medical help and had to face the derision of people like yourself.

Your attitude is pretty common even among medical staff. That is where it has nearly killed a friend. And before you think that proves the fad theory, we lived in different countries and met later.

Maybe it appears it is increasing, especially amongst certain social circles, but there is a huge difference between causation and correlation.

I'm shaking as I write this so I'm going to have to go but I would like you to think about what the effect of your flippant little soundbite could have had on the person reading on the other side of the monitor. I just hope you do.

kp2171 · May 24, 2008, 04:29 PM

Originally Posted by Choux

Just knock it off!

Don't sabotage yourself and set yourself up for years and years of misery.

Be well. :)

So this should have been the answer to your question when you were having anxiety attacks about being shut in, alone, and having to turn off cable for financial problems?