[sandrea2008]

Hello. First time 'poster'. I'm a 32 year old woman and I've been going out with this guy for around 3.5 years. He's never been with anyone sexually before I came along. And he's still a virgin.. we mess around - we do everything but penetration due to his religious beliefs and I respect that. Though its frustrating for me sometimes.. still we both get orgasm so I deal with it just fine. At the beginning 1.5 years of our relationship he wanted sex around 2 - 3 times a week while I felt a bit lacking in desire - he really pushed for it though - I was OK with it cause I felt desired... Lately things have shifted.. now that I'm more comfortable I want sex more.. and his desire has declined.. from what it was to once every two weeks or so.. I have no idea why. I'm a fiery woman and I'm starting to find myself fanstasing about sex a lot and also.. well.. trying to 'help myself' but I hate it. I also hate not feeling wanted - I guess I still want passion and heat in my life and I miss having it! I know I won't be happy if this goes on but not sure what to do. I spoke to him about it many times and each time he says he'll try.. but not much difference. When we do have sex, its pretty great.. so there's no problem there. He does not cheat (he's still a virgin.. so that's not an issue either). I now find myself unattractive and each time I look at the mirror and think I look good I shrug and say "so?? he wont' even notice..what's the point?".. I'm now fantasising about leaving BUT its only about sex and you should never leave just for sex - cause sex subsides anyway in any relationship... so I'm stuck! I'm now going to rent a couple of erotic thrillers for us to watch (I hate porn).. and hope that helps... questions is, how long can I last? Can you ever be happy with less sex, and with feeling undesirable?

[Choux]

A few ideas come to my mind in your situation. Dating is a time to find out if that guy is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with or just spend some time with. Better not to spend more than 2 years with someone who is not going to qualify as long term husband material.

Secondly, what he or anyone does or says has no bearing on the quality of you as an individual. It has a lot to say about the workings of his mind! You are beautiful and desirable as a thoughtful female... *he* is messed up in his skull about sex. You're a smart girl, you have to grow up a little and *stop blaming yourself* for his(other people's) problems, girl!! Quit tearing yourself down.

I think you should give him an ultimatum... have regular intercourse or break up with him while you are still young and beautiful. :)

[kp2171]

Well... sexual compatibility isn't all there is, but its something that should be considered. Scour the threads here and you'll see people who, after a decade of marriage, feel absolutely trapped in a loveless marriage.

Long term, sure I think it gets harder and takes work. The "new" factor is gone... its "been there, done him" syndrome... and add to that having kids... nothing like little ones running around to take away many great chances for sex.

So... I think what you are going through is common. I think you know this isn't going to work as is... that you need him engaged in the relationship, and sex ties right into emotional intimacy, not to mention primal desires.

What you cannot do is expect him to change for the better with marriage. Yes... having intercourse will probably be another boost, due to newness... but you don't know how long that wave will last. Good news is I think a mixture of sex, oral, manual stim, and intercourse makes for a nice blend to keep things different and interesting... when I get only intercourse, I crave oral... when I've gotten mostly oral, I've craved intercourse.

Here's a roundabout way to approach this... address the other issues that tie into libido, such as mental and physical health. Do you belong to a gym? Join. Take him. Physical improvement and strength building can amp up libido for both partners. Mentally mixing things up can help too... take a weekend away... do something different, like go to a blues bar and dance... finding ways to engage him can help keep you connected.

I know you don't want to be a traffic cop in bed (figuratively) in that you want him to keep chasing you.

This week I've been posting over and over about getting sex books and reading them. For ex, one book I've just been pushing is "she comes first"... it isn't "the bible" of sex books, but its about a woman's body and how oral sex can be done well to please a woman... and I like a lot of what it says. My partner of ten years read it and said out loud, in the store "this guy knows how to go down on a woman!"...

To which I said "really? let me see that"...

We've had a good sex life, but there were a few things in there that I found to be helpful and interesting to mix things up. Point is, she read it... was excited about it... which made me interested in it.

A healthy sex life is about open communication, being selfish enough to ask for what you need, being selfless enough to try to give the partner what he needs, and finding enough middle ground so no person feels put upon or put out.

[kraz]

I couldn't agree more with Choux. Three and a half years - have you had a serious commitment from this man yet! How old is this guy?

I don't believe we should have to "deal with it" the absence of not have a full blown love making session and expressing and experience this moment with the one you love must be frustrating.

Don't ever doubt that you are not beautiful, desirable and sexy, just because this guy is having difficult in dealing with his sexuality (I understand his religious beliefs).

Give him that ultimatum, if this is what you want and you can't see a future with him.

Just a thought : because of his religious beliefs is he prepared to marry you or is he waiting for someone from his own faith to come along to marry?

[Jamiefemale79]

Hello. First time 'poster'. I'm a 32 year old woman and I've been going out with this guy for around 3.5 years. He's never been with anyone sexually before I came along. And he's still a virgin..we mess around - we do everything but penetration due to his religious beliefs and i respect that. Though its frustrating for me sometimes..still we both get orgasm so i deal with it just fine. At the beginning 1.5 years of our relationship he wanted sex around 2 - 3 times a week while i felt a bit lacking in desire - he really pushed for it though - i was ok with it cause i felt desired... Lately things have shifted..now that i'm more comfortable i want sex more..and his desire has declined.. from what it was to once every two weeks or so.. i have no idea why. I'm a fiery woman and i'm starting to find myself fanstasing about sex a lot and also..well..trying to 'help myself' but i hate it. I also hate not feeling wanted - i guess i still want passion and heat in my life and i miss having it!! i know i won't be happy if this goes on but not sure what to do. i spoke to him about it many times and each time he says he'll try..but not much difference. when we do have sex, its pretty great..so there's no problem there. he does not cheat (he's still a virgin..so that's not an issue either). I now find myself unattractive and each time i look at the mirror and think i look good i shrug and say "so?? he wont' even notice..what's the point?".. i'm now fantasising about leaving BUT its only about sex and you should never leave just for sex - cause sex subsides anyway in any relationship... so i'm stuck!! i'm now going to rent a couple of erotic thrillers for us to watch (i hate porn).. and hope that helps... questions is, how long can i last? can you ever be happy with less sex, and wtih feeling undesireable??

I have been there and left him. His sex drive went from a 6 to 0 and I needed more. I hadn't changed he had his own issue and was unwilling to accept there was a problem. When it comes to your own self-esteem being torn down because of his problems its time to move on. Don't underestimate sex because it makes you feel confident and sexual attractive.
I know I have a high sex drive but I can control it he had none and didn't care. If I mentioned sex he treated me like that's all I was there for. I ended up confiding in a male friend who I desired because he was very sexually opened and he convienced me to get out because I was too young to live like that and he is right. I have moved out and its I am better off without that problem. And no I never had sex with the friend once I moved out my desire for his sexual fetishes faded but we are still friends.