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shop4178 · Feb 22, 2008, 12:35 AM

I'm 23, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me stating that he does not feel the same way he initially did when he went out with me few years ago. I was wondering if this is what usually happens (feelings get lost) when you're in a long term relationship in the early20s. He never said the three little words. I was wondering if there is commitment issues and whether there is a possibility that he will feel differently in the future. When I asked him the reason for the breakup, he never gave me a reason but the fact that he lost feelings. I asked him if he ever loved me, but he said I shouldn't try to make things harder on myself. He is not giving me proper closure and we have not spoken for several months. I know it's a subjective question, just want to hear some feedback!

talaniman · Feb 23, 2008, 02:31 PM

I think he was quite clear and honest with you and your closure will only come from accepting his wishes and moving on. He is giving you plenty of space to move on so that's what you do. Usually when people do what he does, his mind is made up, but we never know. I don't think he wants to comeback. Sorry for your loss.

s_cianci · Feb 23, 2008, 02:46 PM

It's hard to answer your questions for sure as we don't know you or your ex-boyfriend. It's possible that he may have commitment issues. It's also possible that you were just a standby for him (although 3 years is an awful long time to stand by!) As for getting "proper closure", that probably won't happen. Very rarely does the "jilted" partner ever believe that (s)he was given proper closure, even if the other person tries to do so. You're going to have to make your own closure. Accept that it's over and move on with your life. Do the things that you enjoy and want to do without worrying about him.

shop4178 · Feb 25, 2008, 11:45 PM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

It's hard to answer your questions for sure as we don't know you or your ex-boyfriend. It's possible that he may have committment issues. It's also possible that you were just a standby for him (although 3 years is an awful long time to stand by!) As for getting "proper closure", that probably won't happen. Very rarely does the "jilted" partner ever believe that (s)he was given proper closure, even if the other person tries to do so. You're going to have to make your own closure. Accept that it's over and move on with your life. Do the things that you enjoy and want to do without worrying about him.

What does standby mean? It's hard because I don't even know if his feelings for me was ever true. It makes it hard for me to fall in love again...

talaniman · Feb 26, 2008, 04:41 AM

Originally Posted by shop4178

What does standby mean? It's hard because I don't even know if his feelings for me was ever true. It makes it hard for me to fall in love again...

A stand by, is someone you know has feelings for you, that you know you can go to when things don't work out, with the new partner. There is nothing wrong with not falling in love so easily. It protects us from giving our love to someone who may not deserve it, or feel as we do. It also will make you slow down, and be more cautious, with who you love. All good life lessons.

susangpyp · Feb 26, 2008, 05:12 AM

Originally Posted by shop4178

I'm 23, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me stating that he does not feel the same way he initially did when he went out with me few years ago. I was wondering if this is what usually happens (feelings get lost) when you're in a long term relationship in the early20s. He never said the three little words. I was wondering if there is commitment issues and whether there is a possibility that he will feel differently in the future. When I asked him the reason for the breakup, he never gave me a reason but the fact that he lost feelings. I asked him if he ever loved me, but he said I shouldn't try to make things harder on myself. He is not giving me proper closure and we have not spoken for several months. I know it's a subjective question, just want to hear some feedback!

Closure comes from you, not from someone else. It sounds like he's saying his feelings have never matched yours and to hash it out now will only make things harder for you. He's trying to spare you from hurt feelings which makes it sound like he doesn't have a lot of positive things to say.

My suggestion would be to move on and forget about him.

shop4178 · Feb 26, 2008, 08:45 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

A stand by, is someone you know has feelings for you, that you know you can go to when things don't work out, with the new partner. There is nothing wrong with not falling in love so easily. It protects us from giving our love to someone who may not deserve it, or feel as we do. It also will make you slow down, and be more cautious, with who you love. All good life lessons.

So standby is pretty much a backup. That's nice to know. Because I would refuse to be anyone's backup.