[stick_labuf]

Here's my situation... about 10 months ago I was diagnosed with depression. I had been in a 5 year relationship but was sick (and unaware of this during the last 3 years). We had ups and downs but always thought (and he has said this too) that we could get back on track. We moved in together... but were waiting on the engagement till it felt right. Well I went downhill fast during the last year of our relationship: couldn't get out of bed, stopped talking to friends, and even had a suicide attempt that my BF interupted. We knew something was seriously wrong.. so I saw my doctor... got into therapy and am now doing soooo much better (he agrees).
My problem is that after my diagnosis my BF broke up with me. It was an obviously a traumatic time for both of us... but I was hoping he could stand by me. He was sooo upset saying that he never helped me... that he may have made me worse... etc... that he wanted me to gat better for myself without him.
Was hard but I did... while always keeping in communication with him.
I have gone back to grad school, got my own place, and am doing some traveling and volunteer work that I have always wanted but never had the energy for.
Now I'm feeling great... and want my life (meaning him) back! I don't want to emotionaly fall into the same pattern as before and am continuing with therapy. I love this man... and I know that had I not gotten sick we would be together. How can I get him to understand that my depression was mot his fault and that it is safe to start a new relationship together? Even he agrees that any visits or conversations we've had recently have been better than ever. Any advise??

[ISneezeFunny]

Talk to him? Tell him that... exactly.

[talaniman]

If the lines of communications are open, then he is at least open to talking, so keep talking, as he is looking for reasurance that you have yourself under control. He also needs to be educated about your situation, so he will know how best to help.

[stick_labuf]

Thanks for the advice. We talk virtually everyday... even grabbed pizza and a movie the other night. I feel better talking about what I went through... helps me understand... but he doesn't seem interested. He'll apologize or just say I don't want to talk about that right now. And I can tell it bothers him. I have never seen him cry in five years till he had to literally hold me down and take me to a hospital this summer. I was not being rational and said some very hurtful things not just to him but to my mom and sister who there as well. I know he feels a lot of guilt and that without him I'd be able to move on and find someone who can make me happy. I also know that with time (well more than the 10 months that have gone by) I could move on. I am a well educated person, come from a great family, and a good job, etc... and a lot to offer someone. I just don't want to. We both still love each other and I think we deserve to give it a real shot... both in a better and healthier place in our lives.

Any way if you have any ideas on how I can help him become more educated about depresison I'd appreciate it. I do not want to shove this topic down his throat... it is my disorder not his... and we are not in a romantic relationship anymore and therefore has no obligation to help me. In fact I don't want him to help me anymore (in a dependent unhealthy way)... I want to be able to help myself... just have him on my team while I do it!

[talaniman]

I think your asking for an awful lot from someone who is confused about his own role in your life. If you had a real shot, with whomever, your disorder is his also. He will have to deal with it, up close and personal as you have. Its up to him isn't it? At this time your not ready for that, and neither is he. Until he understands what you want, or makes a decision for himself, romance here will not work at all, and he will be hard pressed to be of help, especially not the way you want it. Two people must work together, to solve their problems, for the benefit of BOTH, to have any chance at all.

[ordinaryguy]

First, let me say I admire your courage in dealing with and recovering from your depression. But you need to recognize that a major depressive episode is a life-changing event for everyone directly involved in it, like a death of a loved one or major life-threatening injury. No one goes back to being the person they were, leading the life that they led before it happened. These experiences change people in unpredictable ways.

Now I'm feeling great...and want my life (meaning him) back!

Big red flag here. Thinking that HE is your life will take you in the wrong direction. It might even be that the pressure this puts on him is what's giving him pause, and honestly, it should. You have a life that is something other than him. Until you find that and feel secure in it, you're toxic to each other.

I know that had I not gotten sick we would be together.

No, you don't know this. What might have been is unknowable. Your illness may have saved you from a bad marriage. If he's unable to recover from the emotional wringer he's been through, that tells you something important about who he is. Ignore it at your peril.

[susangpyp]

I admire what you have done to pull yourself out of the depression. You sound strong and spirited. And being someone who has done what you have done, I know it is not easy.

He, on the other hand, sounds weak and confused. You deserve so much more than he can give you. Keep working on yourself and then look for someone who can match your girt and determination. After all you have been through, that is what you deserve.

[stick_labuf]

Thanks for all the input. Just to make a comment... I could have (an actually started) written a book about everything that has happened during the last 3 years. Here I've just written the "highlights" I guess you can say. When I say I want my "life" (meaning him back)... I guess this seems terrible but I think what I really mean is that I want some of the normalcy I (and hopefully we) had prior to these last 10 months. I am much more than depression... and want my life to stop revolving around it. I may be looking for the impossibe... and I truly appreciate the comment regarding how this experience has changed all involved... I forget that sometimes. I have no idea what it it like to feel helpless as someone is spiraling out of control in front of your eyes. I definitely don't want things to be as they were... the could never be... I am a different person. And your right I don't know what would have happened. Guess I'll just keep working on standing steady on my own.
Thanks for all the encouraging and positive words!

[ordinaryguy]

I think what I really mean is that I want some of the normalcy I (and hopefully we) had prior to these last 10 months. I am much more than depression...and want my life to stop revolving around it. I may be looking for the impossibe.

No, it's not impossible. But the new normal will be different than the old one, that's for sure. Whether your old boyfriend will be part of the new normal remains to be seen, but either way, you're good to go.

[kraz]

Depression can be so destructive, I know I was in that place for a about five years, and every now and again it starts to rear its ugly head, but I know the signs now.

I don't know if this suggestion will help, but have you thought of writing a letter to your ex and putting your apology (you said you said some hurtful things) and feelings onto paper. He can then choose to read the letter when and if and at his own pace. I wouldn't make it confronting and all about your depression, but what and how you see your future either as friends or lovers. Then leave this with him and give him space to deal with it. Don't bring up the subject with him. He probably needs time to deal with everything that has happened too, when one suffers from depression it affects everyone we love and who love us.

Keep up the brilliant progress to your inner freedom and peace of mind.

[stick_labuf]

I like the letter idea. Thanks! In writing I can be honest without being emotional. Often when we'd try it talk about it... I'd get very emotional I could control my words but obviously not his responses. So if he misunderstood something or took something as a guilt trip... I would get all upset and we'd be in the same emotional and frustrated place. I have done some writing about my depressive years and recovery just for my own understanding... and it definitely makes things clearer as to how things got so out of control for me.
I think I will write him an apology. That way if he chooses to read it he'll at least he'll know how I feel and whatever comes of it well we'll see.
And thanks "ordinary guy". I am actually looking forward to a new "normal" the old one wasn't that much fun... I was a bit of a downer.
Once again thank you for all the encouragement and thoughts. I truly take it all in!

[JL FANATIC]

Show him everything that you wanted to show him. Go out on dates with him and only him show him that he can trust you.

[stick_labuf]

Thanks for the advice JL. It was never about thrust in a cheating sense. Actually my problem with depression has a lot more to do with me being too loyal. I go full force all heart and end up giving up my own needs and wants (and really my identity) in relationships... and not just romantic ones... but family and friendships as well. We have spoken on phone, text, and hung out a few times... but no dates. I'm not opposed to them at all... but I'm really just figuring out want I want with or without another in my life right now. I love him still... just taking my time so that we both know we can trust ourselves!
Thanks for your thoughts... I definitely need to continue to show all those in my life that I am getting healthy again!