[booey]

Hello,

Thanks for reading my message and I hope some of you can help me? I've never used a site like this before but feel I need some advice.

My partner suffers from depression and has just started seeing his doctor and taking anti-depressants. We only started seeing each other in October and everything was wonderful until Christmas time when he started pushing me away, saying things like, 'i could be happier with someone else'. When I finally accepted this and ended it, he then said that he had made the most stupid mistake of his life and wanted me back. He begged me for another chance, and I stupidly gave it. It is now nearing the end of February and he has done it again. I just don't know what to do. Up until last weekend everything was perfect, we had booked our first holiday together and were looking forward to it more than anything. Then, he woke up one morning in despair and hasn't been able to shake it off. On Valentines Day he told me that I was "doing his head in" because I kept asking him if he was OK. He said that he couldn't cope with the pressure of having to think about me and the fact that he knew I had needs. He said these tablets made him feel 'weird' and unemotional. He even said he knew that he was upsetting me but that he was numb.

All I have ever done is help and support him, I have never put any pressure on him at all. I have said that I will be there for him through all of this and do whatever it is he needs to get through it, we would get through it together. But he then turned round and said some hurtful things, like I was needy, and always was someone who clung on! That is not me at all. I am a very independent and intelligent woman! I was just trying to let him know that I wasn't going to abandon him when things got tough.

When I've been looking on the internet about advice, all it said is to stand by him and help him, but he doesn't want my help. He doesn't want me to even ask how he is! It is just so difficult to understand as we were so happy. Should I cut my losses or just continue to keep my distance but not give up on him? It's so hard not to take it personally.

Please help me find the best way through for me and for him.

Thank you

Xxx

[susangpyp]

I would give you different advice. Do what you need to do for you. If someone is suffering from depression that does not give them a free pass to neglect or abuse you.

He's hurting you and it doesn't matter why. You don't need to put up with it. If he was an alcoholic who punched you in the mouth when he was drunk you would find people who would say well he's sick and it's his disease not him. That doesn't mean you don't have a broken mouth. It also doesn't mean you need to stay.

Being depressed is not a free pass to hurt others. Plenty of people grapple with depression and don't hurt someone else.

He doesn't want you there and trying to be there for him is just hurting you. I'd say cut it off, take care of you and if and when he wants to talk, you can make a decision later.

But your first priority should be you and removing the victim of his abuse (you!). Take care of you. Be good to you.

[talaniman]

Sorry to hear of such a sad situation, but you must realise, he has a problem that you cannot help him with, and its up to him to deal with this issue. Yes you really need to back away, and protect yourself, despite whatever he may say at this time. Good Luck.

[Questions2007]

Hello,

Thanks for reading my message and i hope some of you can help me? I've never used a site like this before but feel i need some advice.

My partner suffers from depression and has just started seeing his doctor and taking anti-depressants. We only started seeing eachother in October and everything was wonderful until Christmas time when he started pushing me away, saying things like, 'i could be happier with someone else'. When i finally accepted this and ended it, he then said that he had made the most stupid mistake of his life and wanted me back. He begged me for another chance, and i stupidly gave it. It is now nearing the end of February and he has done it again. I just don't know what to do. Up until last weekend everything was perfect, we had booked our first holiday together and were looking forward to it more than anything. Then, he woke up one morning in despair and hasn't been able to shake it off. On Valentines Day he told me that i was "doing his head in" because i kept asking him if he was ok. He said that he couldn't cope with the pressure of having to think about me and the fact that he knew i had needs. He said these tablets made him feel 'weird' and unemotional. He even said he knew that he was upsetting me but that he was numb.

All i have ever done is help and support him, i have never put any pressure on him at all. I have said that i will be there for him through all of this and do whatever it is he needs to get through it, we would get through it together. But he then turned round and said some hurtful things, like i was needy, and always was someone who clung on! That is not me at all. I am a very independent and intelligent woman! I was just trying to let him know that i wasn't going to abandon him when things got tough.

When i've been looking on the internet about advice, all it said is to stand by him and help him, but he doesn't want my help. He doesn't want me to even ask how he is! It is just so difficult to understand as we were so happy. Should i cut my losses or just continue to keep my distance but not give up on him? It's so hard not to take it personally.

Please help me find the best way through for me and for him.

Thank you

xxx

The saying "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" could not be more true in this situation. You can only help him so much. If won't address his problems then you need to step away.

I speak from experience on this. My ex had a history of depression. That wasn't a problem to me. The problems are caused by a refusal to deal with the depression, which he clearly is doing, and my ex also did.

Think of yourself in this. You will be riding an emotional rollercoaster with this person if they refuse to admit their problems. That will cause you anxiety and maybe even depression.

Tell him that if he doesn't start to address his problems then there is no future for you as a couple.

[BeepBeepBeep]

I'm going through the same situation. One day he was so fun loving, we did everything together and it felt like real love. We would call each other and text every single day. We went on a mini trip away and he caved in and shut down. Wouldn't talk to me on the trip and it hurt because he didn't explain nor communicate with me. He had an extremely traumatic experience about 5 years ago and has been trying to deal with it. He lapses from times where you think wow he's an amazing person to hang on where did that man go that I met cause your standing in front of me and I don't know who you are. Then he got told he is losing his job next month just a nightmare. I lost my uncle and I didn't tell him because I didn't want to tip him over the edge. When really he should have been the one to go to for a hug.
When I confronted him he said that he didn't want to push me away but that he needed his time and space and that he needed to do this on his own. I asked how long that would take. He didn't answer. I'm waiting around and I am hurting now too!
It okay for people to say sever contact and let him get on with it but its hard when the person who you love stands in front of you someone completely different and you know and feel like you can't walk away till they are safe and well. Yesterday was the first day since we started our 'thing' that he never text me all day and I'm so sad about it all. I am supposed to be meeting him tomorrow which I'm waiting on him cancelling to be honest and the thing is he says I'm a part of an exclusive club and that no one else knows about it. If know one else knows I feel a big responsibility in making sure he is okay. But how can I when I can't contact him? I miss him and love him but I think I have to let him go. I don't know how because my brain thinks of him, places remind me of him, songs and things we did together back in the happy times flood back. But the saying is sometimes if you love someone you've got to let them go. I need a miracle to get me to push through to try and leave him alone. I am spending more time with friends. Leaving my phone at home. I deleted his number so I don't pester and feel like I'm pressuring him. Lifes definitely not easy!
N x