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roogirl · Feb 19, 2008, 04:22 AM

Knock some sense into me (in a constructive way preferably)

I've been on the straight and narrow and stuck like glue to my NC period since 9 December. I feel like I want to fall off the wagon and write the following letter to my ex:

Dear Mr Ex

Hope you are doing well. We parted on less than favourable terms (I did anyway). I've forgiven, forgotten, repented, slapped myself on the back, slapped myself up the side of the head, let go of, removed, replenished – well gotten over everything now. If you want to drop me a line every now and then to say hello please feel free to do so. If you have no desire to respond, no worries it's all good. I have no wish to open up Pandora's box, just wanted to part on good terms

Actually now that I've just read it, I think I'm probably lying, if I really have gotten over everything I wouldn't want to send this letter, correct??

Thank you.

kildarebabe · Feb 19, 2008, 05:15 AM

I don't think you should send it... if you have gotten over it then just let it be...

jpm247 · Feb 19, 2008, 07:10 AM

I agree with your last statement - why would you want to send it? If you send the email, will part of you not be wanting to see what comes back, if anything.

I've been having abit of the same dillema and have not sent my ex an email, after all the advice I've been given.

I think you've done really well to stay on the NC path, why let him know what your thinking about. I've read your posts on the NC calendar, and I'd say don't fall off the wagon.

If he contacts you, then come back on here and get some advice, but I don't think you need to send it. SOunds like you've had a bit of weak moment.

I'd try and stay strong, and think why do you really want to send it.

Romefalls19 · Feb 19, 2008, 07:16 AM

NO! DO NOT BREAK NC! You have come so far, why do you want to go back to day 1 with feeling sick and worrying about him? Are you prepared to hear about his new girlfriend or the random people he hooks up with? I doubt it, so keep yourself far removed from the situation. I know it's hard and you're farther along than I am, but things will get better. Look at it this way, "Things have to get better, they can't get any worse" Each day is one more step to recovery. You can do this!

Stunning07 · Feb 19, 2008, 07:18 AM

If you send it.. she will bring false hope.. just let it be if they wan't they should send you an email. Not you

jpm247 · Feb 19, 2008, 07:23 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

NO! DO NOT BREAK NC! You have come so far, why do you want to go back to day 1 with feeling sick and worrying about him? Are you prepared to hear about his new girlfriend or the random people he hooks up with? I doubt it, so keep yourself far removed from the situation. I know it's hard and you're farther along than I am, but things will get better. Look at it this way, "Things have to get better, they can't get any worse" Each day is one more step to recovery. You can do this!

Rome falls is right Roo,

I'd love to contact my ex, but all the people on this site and all my friends cannot be wrong when they all give you the same advice. Stay NC, if they want to contact they will, and then you can decide what to do respond/or not.

I'd stick with keeping going with your hard work. Its incredibly tough and I'm so glad I posted on this site.

HistorianChick · Feb 19, 2008, 07:35 AM

I'm a proponent of an individual doing what that individual knows will bring healing and closure to a situation. If sending such a letter will define the terms of the closure that you as an individual need, then by all means, do what is necessary for you to move on.

BUT, big but here...

If you believe that it is simply "falling off the NC wagon" and giving in to your personal demons, then NO, do not send it.

Closure is necessary. Definition is necessary. You must have the end that you need. (And, hon, NC since 9 December is a big definition of closure!) If you believe that this letter is simply to re-connect, then it is not closure nor definition, but rather to alleviate the pressure that NC is causing in your emotions.

Remember, NC is not a means to an end. It is for your healing, for your well-being, and for your personal growth. If you think that sending this will aid in these areas, then by all means, send it.

But do not simply give in to the pressure and send something out of need to connect. If you have truly done all the things that you said you have in your letter, you shouldn't need to contact him.

There is a freedom in saying, "I'm done. We're done. Its time to move on."

Darlin, go on into the bright future of an undefined tomorrow... Don't keep looking back to your already written past... write your own destiny... Accept your closure and revel in it... Don't give him any more of your moments... take back your power.

Good luck! :)

DMBacoustic · Feb 19, 2008, 08:56 AM

Yea it really depends on why you want to send this.

Even if you have genuine intentions of just ending on good terms, it still probably isn't a good idea.

My advice to you is to strap yourself into the NC wagon and push the pedal to the floor and don't look back.

talaniman · Feb 19, 2008, 11:09 AM

Take it for what it is a nice vent. Delete it, and stay on your path, as the rest of the posts shows you will. You did the right thing by writing it here, and getting feedback, and support. Now go shop till you drop, and get your nails done, hands and feet.

little firefly · Feb 19, 2008, 11:09 AM

I'm with everyone else, don't break N/C. I used to be tempted sooo many times and that's what prompted me to start the "letters to our exes" thread back in Nov. I wrote what I wanted to say to him and posted it here. Since then the urge to break it is pretty much zero! I was tempted a bit around Christmas, so I wrote a final letter to him on paper, struck a match to it, and watched it burn (it was a symbolic sort of thing). When you get the urge, just keep coming here and we'll all try our darndest to talk you out of it! Maintaining N/C really is the only way to heal. :)

kp2171 · Feb 19, 2008, 11:58 AM

well... you don't have to answer here, but at least in your own mind... why did the relationship end badly (you know this) and what has changed to make you want to break NC?

did you say or do things you regret? Are you open to a friendship? Are you open to more? If he doesn't respond how would you really feel? If he did respond would you have hope of more? And he wanted more, would you accept?

and on and on and on... it's the can of worms you open, too many variables and possibles and maybes.

I've done what you are talking about... written a letter or called an ex to make contact again. The letter was written and given about 6 mo after the breakup, a semi-serious relationship where I hurt the girl. Didn't cheat, just wasn't ready to date after a prior breakup and got her to like me large and then I backed off. So that letter was just to apologize for some actions I felt I needed to say "sorry" for. I didn't ask for contact or forgiveness, and she didn't extend it. I suppose it was a selffish act, my making myself feel better... but I don't like to wrong someone and not tell them I'm sorry when I am.

and then the phone call to the other ex was kind of the same. Dated a girl too soon after another breakup (a habit I did about three times before realizing sometimes you just need to be alone for a time), she was cool about it, but I, again, felt like an arse for showing interest and then realizing I wasn't rid of the emotional baggage from before.

point is, I've broken NC and I'm not sorry I did. But my contact never asked for or extended an invitation for later contact. Just "im sorry it went that way".

so... you are extending an invitation for contact. Why?

are you lonely? Missing the comfort of the relationship? Having second thoughts? Just want to know he's thinking about you? Need to say you are sorry for something?

chances are, most are "correct" in saying NC really is the best option. Not fun. Not pretty. Sucks rocks. But probably needed, unless there are circumstances you need to tell us about.

hang in there. Expect and demand the best for yourself. Let yourself be a little angry. At him, at you, wherever it is deserved and use it to move on. Even if you were to reconnect, it won't ever be in the same place, in the same way.

my experience is you can be friends with an ex... but it takes getting past them... and this can take a long, long time. I'm casual friends with one ex, and my wife is good friends with an ex, and even works with an ex fiancée. took years for her to get there.

roogirl · Feb 19, 2008, 03:55 PM

All right, points taken, cheers all.

roogirl · Feb 21, 2008, 01:29 AM

Originally Posted by kp2171

well... you dont have to answer here, but at least in your own mind... why did the relationship end badly (you know this) and what has changed to make you want to break NC?

did you say or do things you regret? are you open to a friendship? are you open to more? if he doesnt respond how would you really feel? if he did respond would you have hope of more? and he wanted more, would you accept?

and on and on and on... its the can of worms you open, too many variables and possibles and maybes.

ive done what you are talking about... written a letter or called an ex to make contact again. the letter was written and given about 6 mo after the breakup, a semi-serious relationship where i hurt the girl. didnt cheat, just wasnt ready to date after a prior breakup and got her to like me large and then i backed off. so that letter was just to apologize for some actions i felt i needed to say "sorry" for. i didnt ask for contact or forgiveness, and she didnt extend it. i suppose it was a selffish act, my making myself feel better... but i dont like to wrong someone and not tell them im sorry when i am.

and then the phone call to the other ex was kind of the same. dated a girl too soon after another breakup (a habit i did about three times before realizing sometimes you just need to be alone for a time), she was cool about it, but i, again, felt like an arse for showing interest and then realizing i wasnt rid of the emotional baggage from before.

point is, ive broken NC and im not sorry i did. but my contact never asked for or extended an invitation for later contact. just "im sorry it went that way".

so... you are extending an invitation for contact. why?

are you lonely? missing the comfort of the relationship? having second thoughts? just want to know hes thinking about you? need to say you are sorry for something?

chances are, most are "correct" in saying NC really is the best option. not fun. not pretty. sucks rocks. but probably needed, unless there are circumstances you need to tell us about.

hang in there. expect and demand the best for yourself. let yourself be a little angry. at him, at you, wherever it is deserved and use it to move on. even if you were to reconnect, it wont ever be in the same place, in the same way.

my experience is you can be friends with an ex... but it takes getting past them... and this can take a long, long time. im casual friends with one ex, and my wife is good friends with an ex, and even works with an ex fiancee. took years for her to get there.

I did the deed. I broke no contact. I sent a quick message saying something like, 'hope all is going well with you and life is treating you well.' I felt the need to make amends because I threw his offer of frienship right back in his face when he offered it to me. I don't like walking away from someone on bad terms, and lately I've had a great urge to correct it.

I don't mind whether he responds or not, I don't mind whether he's got a new girlfriend or not, I don't even care if he gathers his mates around that little message and says 'my psycho ex is desperate' or something outlandish like that. I've extended the opportunity to make amends for the past, and quite frankly I feel quite relieved that I've made the first move.

needofhelp · Feb 21, 2008, 01:39 AM

What's done is done. You broke NC. Only you will know if you are truly over it.

The important thing is to focus on yourself, and not how he might feel if you threw his friendship back in his face. Sounds like extending the olive branch gives you peace, so that's good. Don't look back and do what's good for you. Enjoy yourself. Stay strong

ihatewestseneca · Feb 21, 2008, 01:55 AM

Originally Posted by roogirl

I did the deed. I broke no contact. I sent a quick message saying something like, 'hope all is going well with you and life is treating you well.' I felt the need to make amends because I threw his offer of frienship right back in his face when he offered it to me. I don't like walking away from someone on bad terms, and lately I've had a great urge to correct it.

I don't mind whether he responds or not, I dont mind whether he's got a new girlfriend or not, I don't even care if he gathers his mates around that little message and says 'my psycho ex is desperate' or something outlandish like that. I've extended the opportunity to make amends for the past, and quite frankly I feel quite relieved that I've made the first move.

I hope you don't regret it later... when my ex and I first split up, I chased her for 2 weeks, every time I talked to her I felt better immediately afterward. But a few hours later I would feel awful about it, I would question myself... "why did i say this/that... how could i just sit there and let her spoon feed my this bullsh!t..." That contact felt good, and then bad... I hope it isn't the same for you roogirl.

Witchywoman1212 · Feb 21, 2008, 02:13 AM

You can have me make a voodoodoll for you attached w/the letter.
I feel like sending my ex one, but why give him the satisfaction

roogirl · Feb 21, 2008, 04:53 AM

Originally Posted by Witchywoman1212

You can have me make a voodoodoll for you attached w/the letter.
i feel like sending my ex one, but why give him the satisfaction

Heheh well why indeed? I don't know. Anyway, whatever happens happens. If the worst thing that could happen is he doesn't respond, or has a girfriend, or is hostile, it's really not so bad. I'm unconcerned. If I can make peace with my past and move myself closer to inner peace, all the better for me.

kp2171 · Feb 21, 2008, 06:28 AM

Well, if you needed to do that, its done. Done it myself.

Strict NC is usually to save us from ourselves, as we often do things in a relationship or during the breakup that wed never suggest a friend do. We get in our own way of healing. And you know NC is about eliminating that noise that we are often unable to filter out.

But, I told you about my note/call to my ex's... and I never looked back and thought it was a mistake. Like I said, in some ways it was about me, not them. I don't like things left unsaid, and once it was done, I was done.

So the biggest struggle now is just what happens if he contacts you. That's a bridge you can cross if you get to it.

Sounds like you have your head about you. You know there will be days you are strong and days when you are upset. Silly little rollercoaster of life.

talaniman · Feb 21, 2008, 07:21 AM

No matter what happens, always forgive yourself, and then move on. I understand amends, as long as your honest with yourself, and willing to accept the consequences. I understand falling off the wagon, as long as you get back on. Making amends is a major step to healing, but honestly from what I have read about you, you owe him nothing. Even as you have explained it here, I see no debt to him, at all. Hope you have forgiven the most important one in the equation, and that's you!

roogirl · Feb 21, 2008, 10:11 PM

You know there will be days you are strong and days when you are upset. Silly little rollercoaster of life.[/QUOTE]

Ha! Don't I know it! I've had weeks where I've felt on top of the world, then a day later I come crashing down. Fortunately, these days are now few and far between. Everything that I've been through has hurt like a , so much so that I would't wish it upon anyone. But every tear, every sinking feeling in the stomach and every sleepless night has been worth it. I've learned more in these past few months than I have in the past few years. NC has certainly played a significant role in getting me to that place, and I'm so glad I stuck with it until I felt ready to move on to the next phase.