[krazycee07]

Hi you guys, Im 21 yrs old so I don't have whole a lot of experience w/ dating, but Ive been dating this guy for a couple of months, and I really like him a lot, he's really cute and he's has a good personality,the only thing is he's a different nationality then I am, so it hasn't been easy for me, because I constantly feel uncomfortable when we go out in public, I feel like everyone is starring at us, and I get a lot of mean looks from people, and I see people whispering and things, I even get made fun of by my friends, but they say there just kidding , but it bothers me, now when we're alone its fine, I just can't take the feeling that I get when were out in public, I know that sounds bad but I can't help the way I feel, and I even asked him if he feels the same way, and he says no he likes the attention, which kind of worries me, is he just using me using me for his own thrill?keep in mind I never dated out my race before, because of my parents thoughts about it, and I know that I shouldn't care what others think, but I do, is this relationship worth pursuing ,does any one have any thoughts or can relate to my problem, I'd really appreciate any feedback!!

[rpg219]

Yes... I have related to this before. I was am a white female and was married to a black male. Let me tell you... it gets worse, not better. The only way around this is either quit now or have a stronger spine to fight off all of the racists we have in this world.

Something you really need to think about... is this relationship worth losing all of your family and friends? Unfortunately, by the sound of things, this could happen. (It did to me)

Now, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with biracial relationships, but you need to be able to look a this realistically... write the pros and cons down... take a look at the results. Also, take a long look at your cons list... because these are things you will have to face everyday.

[excon]

Hello K:

I'm not a racist. I do admit to being shallow, though. Like you, I'd have a hard time confronting OTHER people's racism on a daily basis. So, I wouldn't put myself in a position to HAVE to deal with it.

excon

[rpg219]

I agree with you on that excon!

Wait... the confronting part... not you being shallow, heeheehee

[Allheart]

Hi you guys, Im 21 yrs old so I dnt have whole alot of experience w/ dating, but Ive been dating this guy for a couple of mos, and I really like him alot, he's really cute and he's has a good personality,the only thing is he's a different nationality then I am, so it hasn't been easy for me, because i constantly feel uncomfortable when we go out in public, I feel like everyone is starring at us, and I get alot of mean looks from ppl, and I see ppl whispering and things, I even get made fun of by my friends, but they say there just kidding , but it bothers me, now when we're alone its fine, i just can't take the feeling that i get when were out in public, i know that sounds bad but i can't help the way i feel, and i even asked him if he feels the same way, and he says no he likes the attention, which kinda worries me, is he just using me using me for his own thrill?keep in mind i never dated out my race before, because of my parents thoughts about it, and I know that I shouldnt care what others think, but I do, is this relationship worth pursuing ,does any one have any thoughts or can relate to my problem, i'd really appreciate any feedback !!!

Hi Sweetie,

It's normal to have those questions, especially being so young.

Truth? I would not dare let people who have "issues" prevent me from what potentially could be great happiness.

Love comes in so many colors and can over come a great deal. True love is strong. If the only thing that changed about my husband was his race... and I stayed away from him because of it, I would have lost out on being truly loved. Because his skin is a different color then mine.

I know you didn't say you are in love, but you do like this guy and he makes you happy. I don't see a reason to walk away from that .

People (with issues), will whipser about anything these days. If this guy treats you like a lady, makes you smile inside and out, don't deny yourself of that and don't question his motives, that's not really fair to him.

My sister married outside our race (her second marriage), Oh Mom did the grumble grubmle thing, but now she only sees my brother-in-law for who he is and not his race.

I love my brother in law so much for being good to my sister and I always will. How sad it would be if that smile on her face wasn't there because she turned away because of what other's would say.

Relationships can be difficult - but if you found common ground, go and be happy and enjoy yourself. Just know that there are people who may not understand
But they need to deal with that on their time, not yours.

Now go and be young and happy - Your happiness just may be catchy ;)

[wewed100606]

THis is just my opinion and advice. I have never been in a position like this so I cannot relate on that front. I think it is a more general problem though.

I think you are insecure with your decision to date this person and therefore are more succeptable and paranoid to others' actions and feelings.

I think you should hang in there if you like the guy. It will get better if you love him, because YOU will stop seeing him as a different race and instead he will just be the man you love. Soon after you won'tcare what people are thinking or saying.

It doesn't matter who you are dating or married to. All of your friends and family will never approve... it is just life and people have their opinions.

"You cannot please everyone!" So worry about the only one who counts... you!

I guarantee once you get over it, so will a lot of other people, and the ones who don't get over it... shouldn't matter to you.

Either "man up" and stand by your feelings, or get out before you hurt the guy severely. He deserves someone who sees him for him, not as "my boyfriend who is a different race".

[wewed100606]

It I kind of like the whole power of suggestion thing.

If you know you have a huge zit on your nose... all of a sudden EVERYONE is staring at it!

But if you have something in your teeth and don't know it, everyone IS staring at it, but you don't notice and your friend has to whisper to you :-)

[s_cianci]

I've always said that there's two kinds of racism in the world ; hating someone because of the color of their skin, and loving them for the same reason. Your boyfriend's admission that he "likes the attention" is a definite red flag. I'm not going to assert with certainty that his motives aren't aboveboard or that this relationship is definitely doomed but be mindful and wary, especially since you're experiencing some doubts yourself. Your friends' "kidding" may be their way of trying to warn you that this guy might have ulterior motives that are not in your best interests.

[Allheart]

Yikes,

I missed all that. I was just assuming the boyfriend is young (20, 21 just like the OP )
And what young man doesn't like all that attention?

Even if they are the same race, if they are getting attention, they seem to thrive on it.

I do understand what you mean though. Krazy, you will have to judge in those quiet moments, when the attention is gone, how is he then and how does he make you feel then?

I think guys in that age range have thoughts all over the place in general. We see it here all the time.

As the others so wisely pointed out... just be watchful and careful not to get your feelings hurt, but I would tell you that, at your age, regardless of what the young man looked like.

So, I guess I still am not seeing it as clear as the others.

Eyes, open, heart, partly open and use your head at all times :)

[krazycee07]

Thank you all for your feedback, I really needed some advice, because I can't really talk to anyone I know about it, and I get what you guys are saying about not letting other people issues and racism stop me from being happy I tell myself that all the time, but its hard to me, because I've always been the type of person that let people opinions of me get to me, but that's something that I really have to work on, and rpg219 I really appreciate your advice because you can personally relate to what I'm going through,and I hate to hear that it will get worse , but I knew that it would , because I haven't told my parents about him yet, because we're not like in love or anything, but we are dating exclusively, and I know that when they do find out about him, there not going to be happy at all, but that something I will have to deal with in the future, and I will really consider what you said about writing the pros and cons about being in this relationship and determining from there if I want to continue this relationship w/ him , and also s_cianci I get what your saying about me being careful about his attentions, and I have, he treats me really good all the time no matter where we are, and that's what I like about him, so hopefully I'm not just a thrill for him, but that's also something that I have to talk to him about because it does worry me.

[Fr_Chuck]

I am married to someone of another race. And to be honest we get all sort of stairs, mostly from older people, since mix race couples are a lot more common now aday. We get asked if we are together at the store in line. We play it up, if a old couple stares at us ( OK I am over 50 so when I say old they are old) we lean over and kiss, say, lets give them something to look at. If someone says, I did not know she was black, I yell, oh my god, she's black, I am color blind and never knew.

But mostly it is just you seeing things that are not there, although there will be some. If you had a fat boyfriend would your frineds joke? If he was red haired, friends are normally just stupid,

[hermione]

It is not quite the same situation, but I married an ex-con and getting my family and friends to get past that was hard. If you love this man and are happy with him, do not worry about what anyone else says. You may think that when he says he likes the attention that he is out for the thrill, but odds are he is trying to ease the tension that he senses from you. The universe gives us things that we have to confront on a daily basis and whether you go for the long run, trust that you are with this man for a reason and that maybe (if you believe in things happening for a reason) the universe and your heart knows what it and you need. If you do not believe in that sort of thing, than just talk to him. If he loves you, he will listen.

[cinders831]

Ok, I was married 10 years to a black man and I am a white female, this was in the 70's and we rarely had any problems at all. Where are you located? That could be a big factor in the issues these folks have with you.. it's a total shame that people are still brought up to hate.
I have 2 georgeous children and I only had one incident with some older white male making a comment about one of my babies. I, then being in my 20's, told him what I thought of him. I am not advising that at all. But it really didn't bother me.
Now I am in California and it's a flower garden here, many mixed marriages and no one really seems to care in almost all areas.
Your family , if it gets that far, will come around. All I had left was my 70 something year old grandmother at the time who at first hung the phone up on me when I told her. Later she said she was coming to visit and loved my family from then on. So you can teach an old dog new tricks ;)
Hang in there and yes, work on not worrying about what others think. They are not going to pay your bills or give you a kidney if you need it!
Best of luck to you hun. Oh and someone up there said "What young boy doesn't love that kind of attention" that is very true, I don't see that as a red flag.

[liz28]

I don't know if this will help but here it goes.
In my family we have all races by marriages. We are black and my brother is marry to a Italian girl. I never knew the look and comments they received until I datd interacially and its sad that even today people still judge. I use to not want to go places with him because of the stares but it never bother him because he don't care what people say or think. As our rationship grew I stop caring. Later I relize people was not staring like I thought it was me and now we do a lot of things.
Cuz of him I learned the only person opion that count the most is mines as long as Im happy who care because people will talk about you no many what. You have to live your life because you only have one life to live and if he treat you good what more can you ask for because because you won't find that many good guys around this days. Look at thegoals he have in life to see where he's heading.
As far as my brother, he's been marry to his wife since 1999. When he marry her she already had 2 kids, father wasn't and he was white, and you would think they wer his because that's the way he treat and they had 3more. They both have very good careers and are very well off.
In closing you do what is right and maybe your boyfriend is like mines where he really don't care what people think and you should not either.
Good luck!

[Alty]

Here's my thought. We are all members of the human race, regardless of skin color. If people are to closed minded to see that you are dating a wonderful guy and just see the color of his skin then you don't need those people in your life. I realize that this includes your parents, and I am not saying to cut them from your life, but maybe it's time to sit down and talk to them about their racism, because that's what it is. As long as the person you are with is kind, caring and loving then the color of his or her skin shouldn't matter one bit. You are not dating outside of your race, he is a human being, not an elephant, that would be dating outside of your race.

[N0help4u]

To me what matters is your love for each other. Many people settle for less and marry somebody they 'get along with' or they go through life not being able to find someone to love.
You can leave him and find somebody that you get along with and/or never find someone you love as much as you love him.
If you love him so much when you two are out in public go with a ton of confidence and let them see how much you two are into each other. Let them see the sparkle in your eyes and in your love for each other.
Fr_Chuck has good advice

we lean over and kiss, say, lets give them something to look at. If someone says, I did not know she was black, I yell, oh my god, she's black, I am color blind and never knew.

When people see they can not get a negative feeling reaction by intimidating you they will learn to quit.

I raised my daughters telling them real love is hard to find so don't limit it to the color of skin because I would rather see you with a black guy that treats you like gold than a white guy that cheats and beats.

A good idea for later down the road might be to move to an area where people do not give you the look and attitude. I know where I live interracial relationships are getting to be the norm. Bi racial babies are starting to be equal in proportion to black or white babies.

[talaniman]

Your youth, and inexperience, doesn't help in regard with how to deal with things, so the bottom line is to enjoy yourself with who your with, and let everyone else kiss your booty. Your feelings are the only ones that count, and there are a lot of opinionated people out here. Don't let them be responsible for your happiness, that's up to you, so ignore ignorance, and be happy. They should be concerned with their own life, and leave yours alone.

[MOWERMAN2468]

Yes, and if you are feeling uncomforable, you know what you should do to stay within your own standards. If you don't think it is right, move on. If you are okay with it, then the way people look at things nowadays is that each person has their own choice, right or wrong often is in the eye of the beholder.