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chris28 · Feb 5, 2008, 09:19 AM

Hey all,

I have a delema I just got myself into. Sunday night I text a ex that we have been broken up for 4 months she broke up with me. She called me back the next day we talked for a hour and then I said I had to go cause I wanted to go get a Giants jersey. About 20 minutes later she texted me that "she wanted to hang out if it wasn't to weird and all just as friends and only friends, So I agreed we went to the mall togethor and hung out . We started talking about the situation and she said she does not want to go out with me but she wants her best friend back. I told her I really do not want to be her secuirty blanket. We were talking more about this and us and she started crying she seems very depressed about how she hates her family she has to get a surgery soon and so on. And how when she hugs me she feels good and all. But she also mentions how she doesn't want to date me. She asked me to stop talking to any of her friends that I have come friendly with cause she's jealous that I still talk to them and she can't talk to me so its not fair.

Anyway we hung out for a while was not sure what's in her head but when I drop her off she tells me OK ill call you or u can call me if you want. We talked for a few more minutes she told me one reason we really can't date is because I was her reall first boyfriend she kissed dated short term but that was really it. And how she had nothing to compare me to and so on. She said its hard for her to meet someone worth going out with because she keeps comparing them to me. Of course she stressed she wants to be friends but as I'm leaving she calls me and says I love u.

So I'm unsure if she's playing childish head games or what's going on.. any insight?

Romefalls19 · Feb 5, 2008, 09:30 AM

Wow, umm.. I think she does want to use you as a security blanket. She was to keep you on a leash, close enough that you don't date anyone else, but she is free to experiment and see what is out there. If she doesn't find anything better, you're still waiting around for her. If she does find someone new, you're tossed away like nothing. Personally I would say, go No Contact with this girl. Unless you like being a yo-yo so to speak. She will keep popping you down but when she needs you pull you back in. That's why she said "lets be friends" but then ends it with "I love you"

EuRa · Feb 5, 2008, 09:34 AM

Friends only. Nothing more. It all depends on whether you want the same in return, knowing it won't ever go beyond that.

BMI · Feb 5, 2008, 09:39 AM

She says she wants to be friends but does not want to date you. I suspect you want to date her but not be her friend (which is wise). You put in 4 months, no sense in re-opening the whole thing, tell her it can't work and move on.

Try your best not to get into the whole misconception of meant to be together or that she will only love you. She's leaning on you now because she is going through tough times, that's it and that's all.

chris28 · Feb 5, 2008, 09:42 AM

Originally Posted by BMI

She says she wants to be friends but does not want to date you. I suspect you want to date her but not be her friend (which is wise). You put in 4 months, no sense in re-opening the whole thing, tell her it can't work and move on.

Try your best not to get into the whole misconception of meant to be together or that she will only love you. She's leaning on you now b/c she is going through tough times, thats it and thats all.

That's the feeling I was having exactly what u said. I just wanted to think otherwise.

Ema92 · Feb 5, 2008, 09:52 AM

I think this is all a bit of a game to her wither she knows she's playing or not! It seems that she wants to go out and do what she wants without th commitment to someone else but also have that someone there when it's suits her.. Personally I'd say loose all contact with her and make it clear your not being her toy! I'v been in a similar situation for th past year and a half and believe me it never gets any less confusing so id say get out while you still can because the longer you leave it the harder it gets but it is all up to you in the end..
Hope things work out for you xx

talaniman · Feb 5, 2008, 11:00 AM

She asked me to stop talking to any of her friends that I have come friendly with cause she's jealous that I still talk to them and she can't talk to me so its not fair.

Poor confused female, can't understand why you can't be as friendly to her, as you are to her friends. She doesn't get it yet, so its important that you leave her alone until she does. Which may be NEVER, who knows?? Can you not see the can of worms YOU opened by contacting her??

chris28 · Feb 5, 2008, 12:18 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Poor confused female, can't understand why you can't be as friendly to her, as you are to her friends. She doesn't get it yet, so its important that you leave her alone until she does. Which may be NEVER, who knows??? Can you not see the can of worms YOU opened by contacting her???

I'm see the problems now it brought on... more confusion and hurt for what seems like is just a big game to her.

chris28 · Feb 5, 2008, 03:55 PM

Has to be a game, cause she's telling me she wants to be friends yet hugs me and says I feel safe hugging u.. Pretty messed up

kp2171 · Feb 5, 2008, 04:03 PM

Well... not messed up for her, but for you.

She needs a shoulder to lean on... and you project that comfort and security you mentioned. It isn't wrong of her to ask... and it isn't your obligation to prop her up.

You just got to weigh out the noise.

You really don't seem to want to be just her friend, as you are uncomfortable with the hugging... cause sometimes "just friends" do hug. Its just you have a problem with it. Its not wrong. Its just the truth.

So are you being a jerk if you walk away? no.

Are you being an idiot if you do her bidding? Probably. You are still connected to her through that dating relationship, and those ties are still too strong for you to feel like you can support her without conflicting feelings.

My wife is friends with her HS sweetheart. They were serious for a long time. Even after they broke up the families thought theyd get back together.

Today, she could hug him, comfort him, even kiss him and not have it screw with her head. It's the past, and he is just a sweet part of it, nothing more.

You are in a different place. Don't feel guilty for living in reality. You are not obligated to save her at your expense.

Some tough lessons need to be learned on your own, by yourself, in your own misery. I think she's in that place.

Be nice. Be polite. Move on unless you can support her without an internal struggle.

chris28 · Feb 6, 2008, 04:15 AM

Hey ,

Ya so last night she called me like 2 or 3 times to ask silly questions, first she called and asked if I would mind if she calls my granny cause at one point I told her not to. Then she called to ask what I bougth at home depot cause one of her friends father called her friend and told her they saw me there buying a noise. She asked thos questions and then goes okie byeeeeeee and hangs upss... She going insaine I think.

chris28 · Feb 6, 2008, 05:47 AM

Originally Posted by BMI

Try your best not to get into the whole misconception of meant to be together or that she will only love you. She's leaning on you now b/c she is going through tough times, thats it and thats all.

Hey can u ellaborate I'm not sure what u mean here?

kp2171 · Feb 6, 2008, 06:55 AM

It means just cause she is calling doesn't mean she wants you... she probably wants the attention.

If you want to be her butler or her girlfriend, that's fine.

Otherwise its time to not be there for her.

Never a good idea to the shoulder she leans on to get over you. Been there. Done it.

chris28 · Feb 6, 2008, 07:30 AM

Originally Posted by kp2171

it means just cause she is calling doesnt mean she wants you... she probably wants the attention.

if you want to be her butler or her girlfriend, thats fine.

otherwise its time to not be there for her.

never a good idea to the shoulder she leans on to get over you. been there. done it.

No I don't want to be her butler or girlfriend, I do wish there was more between us then her just using me. But are you saying she wants me to be her shoulder to lean on for her to get over me.? Or can she already be over me.? From the way this sounds are we over for good.>? I can't say we would ever work out but I woudnt mind trying. But if everyone is saying she's really not interested in me and that she doesn't want me at all then... I should move on, its just hard when I no I can call her or talk to her now. It sucked before not calling. But to be honest if I found out she's started dating and totally cut me off id be hurt.

talaniman · Feb 6, 2008, 08:34 AM

but I woudnt mind trying.
Of course you wouldn't, your not healed enough at this time.
But if everyone is saying shes really not interested in me and that she doesnt want me at all then... I should move on,
She told you she didn't want to date you to your face. So move on!!
its just hard when i no i can call her or talk to her now.
You can call as a friend, with no hope of getting back together, again that's what she told you.
It sucked b4 not calling.
You were healing after a break up. That's normal.
But to be honest if i found out shes started dating and totally cut me off id be hurt.
That's what will happen, for sure. That's why knowing she will never date you again, why would you be calling?? Stay with the healing my friend, you don't want to be her friend, as you still want more, so be honest with yourself, and save the confusion, and leave her alone.

Romefalls19 · Feb 6, 2008, 08:54 AM

Talan, you are always sound with your advice. And while it's not always what we want to hear, it is what we NEED to hear. At first I started the NC thing you proposed to get my ex back, now it's strictly for healing. I think everyone should go that way, its better for both parties involved.

Chris, stick with NC... She has made it clear, she wants you in her life only as a friend. If you can do that without always wanting more, then do it. But if you're like me, you can't. You're always going to want her as more. Don't put yourself through that pain of hearing her complain her boyfriend won't do this her way in bed.

chris28 · Feb 6, 2008, 10:37 AM

So she just called me a few minutes ago. She told me she called and spoke with my granmother for a while. She said they didn't speak of me at all. After we spoke for a bit I started with her telling her I told her not to call and all that but it really wasn't a big deal. We talked about a few things about us and all and then she said you no I really got to stop calling you every day . I mean this only the second day thus actually happened Monday when we hung out she call me Tuesday and now today. I told her you telling me one thing yet your calling me everyday wheteva or not you have to talk you at least call. So her answer is yes I do just to say hi. So anyway I told her look I'm not saying I no that I want you and I'm not asking for a commitment but I want honesty and I want to know what the deal is. She said she can't give me that cause she doesn't no. She said she don't see us working out. She said she does sometimes and then sometimes she doesn't. So I told her look its been for months we can see what happens or not. So she was pretty honest she said she wants to leave her options open. So it seems like she's not totally sure about me but if a guy she was interested in crossed her path I'm sure she would jump on it.

HurtingALot · Feb 6, 2008, 10:42 AM

Just my thoughts... BUT STAY AWAY! After 4 months, she doesn't know? What is that? Just more pain and confusion headed your way, is what I'm thinking. NC... NC... NC... but that's just me.

DMBacoustic · Feb 6, 2008, 10:47 AM

Yea you're best option right now is to just close the door on this relationship and look forward in life. Like hurting just said, if after 4 months she doesn't know what in the world is going ot change her mind? And even if she decides she wants to give it a shot and be with you, who knows how long it willl be before she pulls this crap again.

chris28 · Feb 6, 2008, 01:09 PM

Yea the 4 months were a lot of hard work. And she comes to me for 1 or 2 seconds and I melt. The last few times we spoke she asked if I am going to get into a fight fi she gets a boyfriend and I find out. Then we started talking a little bit more and the more I talk to her the more I see she really is not in love with me or at least that's what my gut tells me and I just want that so bad I think I'm blind to everything else.