[ExCetera]

I'm married. I found an old flame I dated years ago on a website. I thought what the heck, I'll say hi. He responded back and sounded happy to hear from me and asked how I was doing. After a few messages catching up, all my old feelings came back again. So, I told him it would be my last message because I was married and feeling that way. I couldn't stand the thought of no more contact, so a few days later, I ended up sending him a couple more messages telling him I would like to keep in touch after all. I also apologized for possibly making him feel uncomfortable and I assured him that I wasn't looking for anything but friendship. I would never try and pursue something outside my marriage. But, I'm very confused about the way I'm feeling. I still want to keep in touch with him.But being married, I realize there are boundaries. I just want to say hi once in awhile. I figure my feelings will pass. I did notice I was writing more than he was.I talked about the past a little,but he wouldn't at all. He didn't really ask about my husband, details about my life ,etc. I take it he's backing off because I'm married. I wouldn't get to detailed either if I knew he was married and I was the single one. Did I ruin everything by telling him the truth and sending those messages? I thought he would at least send a message back after I apologized. I haven't heard anything back since I told him. Will I ever hear from him again? What could he be thinking? Is there still a possibility of friendship down the road? (For the past few years,I have been trying to focus on my marriage more and I've been taking a good look at myself and my future with my husband.)

[oneguyinohio]

He might write back some time down the road. If not, it is his decision. Not a reflection on you.

Perhaps, he had other ideas and didn't know you were married when you first said hello to him. He might be in another relationship as well, so you're probably better off to just let it go, and sometime in the future you might bump into each other again.

It is also possible that the old hurt resurfaced and brought up some memories for him that he decided to leave in the past. That happened to me, when an old friend from school emailed me... told me that she had tried very hard to break me up with someone... confessed to trying to seduce me... and that she still had the same feelings for me... well, I just quit responding because I didn't want to pursue anything then or now.

[Marriedguy]

Abort... Abort. You are playing with fire and you will get burnt. Even if nothing happens between the two of you. Your husband will eventually find out. Then when that happens you will have to explain why the hell you are speaking to this guy.. who is he? How long you spoke with him? After this he will NEVER trust you again.

Don't be stupid are you willing to risk your marriage for a friendship with a old flame?

The reason why he not asking about your past is because he doesn't care the only relationship he is interested in is a sexual one. He probably married or has a girlfriend telling you this would ruin has chances to making something happen. I can tell because he is not open.

Please women stop thinking that you can have friendship men.

[slash1]

First it is a mistake to even have been talking to him I think that it is just not OK. You have to step back and think how would I feel if my husband was doing the same thing ? It also might be a little different if he was married and you talked to your husband first and then went forward, because your husbands feelings are most important even above your own because you dedicated your life to him.

[oneguyinohio]

because your husbands feelings are most important even above your own because you dedicated your life to him.

The value of that dedication is only good until the wife changes her mind. People who want out of a marriage don't feel bound by such things. Those vows are soon forgotten. Remind them of the promises, and you're likely to get a roll of the eyes or some excuse as to why those ceremonies don't apply to them.

Bottom line: if one of the two doesn't want to try any longer, and refuses, then the vows of dedication mean didly-squat. For the other person in the marriage to try to hold on to a belief in that dedication is pretty self-destructive.

Wish it wasn't the case.

[George_1950]

Excetera writes: "Did i ruin everything by telling him the truth and sending those messages?" What is ruined when one tells the truth? Is friendship enhanced when one tells the truth, or when one conceals the truth? I believe you must be married, lonely, and looking.

[lacuran8626]

If you have feelings for an old boyfriend and are married, nothing good can come of rekindling even just a friendship. I assume your husband doesn't know about this, and if he did would not approve and would feel hurt. Why jeopordize your marriage in that way?

We all have the "ones that got away" and it's natural to wonder "what if" and also wonder how they are doing, but you are talking about a lot of emotions aroudn this that go beyond this curiosity. I'd say you need to focus on your marriage and the reasons this guy is not your husband. You broke up for a reason, right?

And, no, a friendship would not be appropriate. I think he's trying to let you know that by backing off.

[JBeaucaire]

I think a simple litmus test can be used to help you decide this for yourself, not only for this but for other issues in the future.

Total honesty is, of course, nuts. But when you keep something from your spouse, ask yourself "Am I being dishonest to protect them and benefit them or to protect myself and benefit myself?"

For instance, you don't tell her about a surprise party for HER benefit. You don't tell her that dress is ugly because she loves it and it harms nothing to let her, so you benefit her.

When it comes time to share with your spouse who you're chatting with online and let them read the emails, etc, do you pause? If so, are considering NOT telling them? If so, is that to protect them or you, for your benefit or theirs?

I know life isn't black and white, and no matter what we say in a forum like this, people give themselves permission to do what they want. That's why I suggest things like this that may help you in those private rationalization moments.

My wife and I share a computer and email address, we see virtually everything, and it's very liberating to not have to fret about it. Give yourselves that kind of gift.

[timebomb1]

Well, I want to start by saying wow, I did not realize there were any good people left in this world that have good moral values. To put it straight, an "X" is that exactly, an "X".. No-one should entertain an "X" have their number, contact them after time has passed, stay in touch etc.. That is of course, if you’re involved in a current relationship. The guy who stopped contacting you appears to be doing the right thing, what he really should have said is “Sorry, but that was a long time ago and you are now living the life you chose, enjoy your life and goodby. Your feeling of OMG I can't believe he didn’t contact me again “Wow SELFISH! To many people these days do not think before they act, even if you’re just dating. When you commit to someone,"commit”. People think they have the right to destroy someone because they want to or act like its no big deal. Once someone becomes selfish they are a ticking time-bomb and everyone in range is affected when the explosion happens. The best thing I can say is, if people put the time and effort into there lives to make each day they spend with their, Girl/Boy friend, Wife, Husband, Famiily or Significant Other so many people would be much happier… “ Selfish People Are A Disgrace”

[coachrollo]

Leave this one alone. Nothing good can come of it.The pass is the pass for a reason. If you are hiding from your husband and doing this then its not right. We only hide what we are ashamed of. This willl devastate your husband I know its happen to me. Me and my wife are currently working through it. She did it with a coworker innocent at first and them it progressed. No relationship starts with sex it starts with hello. Men do not think like women they think with there body. Search your heart look to God and do the right thing you will be able to look at yourself in a whole new light.

[soundscrazy]

Leave this one alone. Nothing good can come of it.The pass is the pass for a reason. If you are hiding from your husband and doing this then its not eright. We only hide what we are ashamed of. This willl devastate your husband I know its happen to me. Me and my wife are currently working through it. She did it with a coworker innocent at first and them it progressed. No relationship starts with sex it starts with hello. Men do not think like women they think with there body. Search your heart look to God and do the right thing you will be able to look at your self in a whole new light.

I had a similer story, so I hope I can be a help. Its true a man and a woman can olny be friends for awhile. Until feelings start getting in the way. That's what happened to me. The crazy part is I didn't hide it from my husband he new that him and I became friends. But my husband knows how I am. Always there for everyone who needs help its in my nature. But just last Sat. Night I ended are friendship, I realized I fell in love with all 4 of his kids. And have feeling for him too. So the best thing for my husband and I was it was time to tell him we can only talk about the kids and threw text. No more face to face. No matter that him and I never crossed bounderies, as time moved on who new what would happen. So just realize this man didn't want to cross bounderies either so by him not responding back to you. That's your clue to stay away.

Hope all works out for you.