[Robert7x]

Brief history... Been with my girl for 8-9months... She lied to me about going to see her grandpa in another country when in fact she went there to live with another guy... She left christmas day, only wrote me 2 emails since. Nothing about us or anything just some stuff she wants me to do for her. I completely ignored it... Went NC as soon as she left because I realized it what was going on. It's been 25 or more days of NC. However, she still thinks I don't know anything about it as I never confronted her. She finnaly called me couple of days ago, but I didn't answer. I let it go to Vmail and she left a message like we were still together... the pet names, the lovey dovey crap and all. But all that I think because she needs me to do her a favor which only I can do, and I'm not doing it.

I love this girl a lot, but I can't let her mess with me like this. It's definetelly not right at all from my point of view... For her, I guess it's easy to do this kind of thing, because even though I should have predicted this thing, seeing how we started, I didn't. She left her fiancée and moved to my state to live with me shortly after they broke up. So it looks like she's going from rebound to rebound... but what do I know.

I'm not a party guy... When she decided to move in with me in my state, she knew I wasn't a guy that goes through all these clubs and bars and stuff. She said she got that out of her as well. However while together I still had to go to these places with her every weekend, even though I didn't like it. Now the guy she ran of too, he's 32 and she's 23... He's a party animal and all into that stuff.

Also, she was a drop dead gorgeous girl. Very pretty on the outside, but a messed up individual on the inside. I think she was out of my league looks wise to begin with and I'm afraid that I'll never be able to find someone like her again. That's also the thing that hurts a lot and it could all be due to what I'm going through as well.

Now I'm really, really hard trying to move on... As most of you know it's hard at first obviously. The thing that bugs me the most is I don't know how to be happy and alone and all that stuff... I mean I read threads from a lot of you saying that and all, but How in fact do you do that... I mean some clues could help. I just feel like I would be a lot happier if I'm in a relationship. However, I know I'm not ready to be in one as she is still on my mind a lot. Also myself esteem is shot and I don't think much of myself right now.

I can't talk to people for some reason... I feer rejection and I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone, when in fact with my friends, I can talk about anything and have no problems what so ever. I have not been single for the past 7 years... Once after my 6 year relationship ended, but that was a disaster and it ended way before it officially ended, so I had no problems coping with that one.

I hear people saying "Remember the times when you were single and happy, you can be that person again". Well I don't know remember those times because there never were any since high-school.

So, What I'm trying to do here, is stop worrying about finding someone and having this need to be in a relationship; I need to stop being afraid that I'll never find anyone again; I need to learn how to live alone and be happy.

Thanks a lot.

P.S. I'm 25 just so you know my age.

[HistorianChick]

There is a big difference in "being alone and happy" and "being happy alone."

Think about it... "being alone and happy" gives you the impression that you're alone and sometimes happy.

"Being happy alone" doesn't pre-qualify your happiness... rather it is the source of happiness.

(Psychology was never my forte', but it's a good question to think about, isn't it? )

How to attain either type of happiness? That's for you to determine. :)

[TrueFaith]

Ahh my friend I always go for the drop dead gorgeous girls and yeah there pretty much insane on the inside I learnt long ago never to fall for them ;)

What she did to you was very wrong as you fully well know and congrats to you on the No contact! You have to keep that up. So you got the hardist part done right there!

Ok to be happy. Well
Some people always need others in there life to make themselves feel happy. But of course this never really works out and nomraly there only happy for a few months out of the year.. because you can't place your feelings in someone else lap.

a great person once told me. Girls are part of your life. NOT YOUR LIFE!

Now the hump that your in. everyone goes into this stage when a brake up happens. Yours was very hard and not kind.
first off. You did nothing wrong don't hate yourself don't think oh I could have done something different.. or I wasn't good here.. nah this would have happened even if you was the best person in the world. Because she is that TYPE of Person. Doesn't want to stay to long in a relationship it seems. And trust me this new guy will feel your pain soon enough.
she is out of your life my friend. But she has just come into his. Ouch!

When this happened to me. My X she was a model I met her on a set well we had lots of fun and yeah I fell for her. I was young though 20. She was crazy as they made them. Well it didn't last. But it was a fun ride :) which is how you should think.

Things to do when you are on your own.
I don't know about you but I love going to the gym. Its great to put on you music and run. Gives you a sens of control back. Plus it makes you look and feel great :)
which is a good thing you need an ego boost.

You could try taking up a hobbie. Drawing playing games. Hanging out with friends making time for people that you misst while you were with her.

Don't think you won't find another girl. You don't want someone like her again anyway no point in being hot if she hurts you! Just think about what you'll get next. An even better girl.

anyway you can't be that bad man if you got a good looking girl ;)

here are some facts that I can tell you

1.. You Will! Find someone else
2.. You won't forget about her. But you will finally see her for what she is and it won't effect you anymore
3... This will make you stronger!


hope this helps my friend. Take it from a guy that's been down that road many many times ;)


learn to play the guitar.

You can never really be happy with someone unless you are happy with yourself. So make sure everything you do. Is to better yourself.

don't embrase the past. That's gone just set a few goals and try to keep with it my friend.

You say you can't be that person again when you were single and happy. No you can't that's very true. You can be someone better than that. Because all this crap has made you stronger

Sharpest sword has to go threw the hottiest flames.
your 25 your young yout got so much more things to do
get happy about that.

[Robert7x]

There is a big difference in "being alone and happy" and "being happy alone."

Think about it.... "being alone and happy" gives you the impression that you're alone and sometimes happy.

"Being happy alone" doesn't pre-qualify your happiness... rather it is the source of happiness.

(Psychology was never my forte', but its a good question to think about, isn't it??)

How to attain either type of happiness?? That's for you to determine. :)

I didn't know there was a difference. Point is... it's not that I don't like being alone, it's that I'm afraid I'll end up alone. I still have a lot of thoughts with the ex and the times we were together and going to my apartment knowing she's not there, or waking up in the morning to not see her next to me is pure hell.

I know I have to be happy on my own and get to that on my own, but I just thought that maybe someone had some clues on how to achieve that.

[talaniman]

What you want is a balanced happy life, by doing what you enjoy. First step is to identify what you like to do, and pursue it. This will not only give you an outlet, but keeps you from isolating yourself, and gives you some social contact with those who share your interest. Another thing is working on your own issues by, again, identify the issue, and facing it by doing it. A fear of rejection for example can be remedied by approaching people, and striking up a friendly conversation with them. Personally, volunteering at places that benefit others less fortunate, is the best way to go to restore, or build self esteem, by getting out of self. No matter the path you choose, you must actually get up, and do something, and that's the whole point, initiating positive actions. Start small, and slowly add more, as you get better at it. Did you read, things to do after a break-up, in my signature?

[Robert7x]

Ahh my friend i always go for the drop dead gorgeous girls and yeah there pretty much insane on the inside i learnt long ago never to fall for them ;)

What she did to you was very wrong as you fully well know and congrats to you on the No contact!. you have to keep that up. so you got the hardist part done right there!

Ok to be happy. well
Some people always need others in there life to make them selfs feel happy. but of course this never really works out and nomraly there only happy for a few months out of the year.. because you can't place your feelings in someone eles lap.

a great person once told me. Girls are part of your life. NOT YOUR LIFE!

Now the hump that your in. everyone goes into this stage when a brake up happens. yours was very hard and not kind.
first off. you did nothing wrong dont hate your self dont think oh i could have done something different.. or i wasnt good here.. nah this would have happend even if you was the best person in the world. because she is that TYPE of Person. dosnt wanna stay to long in a relationship it seems. and trust me this new guy will feel your pain soon enough.
she is out of your life my friend. but she has just come into his. ouch!

When this happend to me. my X she was a model i met her on a set well we had lots of fun and yeah i fell for her. i was young though 20. she was crazy as they made them. well it didnt last. but it was a fun ride :) which is how you should think.

Things to do when you are on your own.
i dont know about you but i love going to the gym. its great to put on ya music and run. gives you a sens of control back. plus it makes you look and feel great :)
which is a good thing you need an ego boost.

You could try taking up a hobbie. drawing playing games. hanging out with friends making time for people that you misst while you were with her.

Dont think you wont find another girl. you dont want someone like her again anyway no point in being hot if she hurts ya! just think about what youll get next. an even better girl.

anyway you can't be that bad man if you got a good looking girl ;)

here are some facts that i can tell you

1.. you Will! find someone eles
2.. You wont forget about her. but you will finally see her for what she is and it wont effect you anymore
3...This will make you stronger!


hope this helps my friend. take it from a guy thats been down that road many many times ;)


learn to play the guitar.

You can never really be happy with someone unless you are happy with your self. so make sure everything you do. is to better your self.

dont embrase the past. thats gone just set a few goals and try to keep with it my friend.

You say you can't be that person again when you were single and happy. no you can't thats very true. you can be someone better than that. because all this crap has made you stronger

Sharpest sword has to go threw the hottiest flames.
your 25 your young yout got so much more things to do
get happy about that.

Thanks a lot for your post... A lot of great points and comments. Made me feel better about some things.

I was not a bad guy to her at all... I'm not a bad guy period... I treated her good, gave her everything, but I guess she got borred after a while because I was not into the whole club scene and stuff... Maybe she didn't want to settle knowing the other guy is available now. That's why she left me like that and still trying to keep me as backup. Who da hell knows.

I like going to the gym as well, although I have stopped for a while. There are things I want to do, hobbies etc... However, I'm having hard time actually getting the energy to do any of it. Maybe it's still too early, I don't know.

I also know the phrase about "Not being happy with someone if you're not happy with yourself", but it's very hard for me to understand how to be happy with myself when I know what I had and don't have it anymore. It's all in my head, all these things, these problems, and it's very difficult to get them out.

Thanks again, I really apreciate what you wrote.

[TrueFaith]

Well my friend I've been there. And I know your looking for the line that will fix everything but sadly the best person to do this is you my friend.

I know you don't have a lot of Umpf now but its OK.. you know its OK to feel bad. Its normal. And you should. Just say give yourself time. Your not going to spring back. Its going to come in waves.

I know what its like to have someone always there. And then one day not anymore. It's a realtiy shift.

But I have no doubt you'll get there my friend keep reading posts here it will make you feel better ;)

Hey if you want to have a fun read.. read my post about I want my girlfriend to be pretty :P that will make you laugh

Take care dude

Regards

[Robert7x]

What you want is a balanced happy life, by doing what you enjoy. First step is to identify what you like to do, and pursue it. This will not only give you an outlet, but keeps you from isolating yourself, and gives you some social contact with those who share your interest. Another thing is working on your own issues by, again, identify the issue, and facing it by doing it. A fear of rejection for example can be remedied by approaching people, and striking up a friendly conversation with them. Personally, volunteering at places that benefit others less fortunate, is the best way to go to restore, or build self esteem, by getting out of self. No matter the path you choose, you must actually get up, and do something, and thats the whole point, initiating positive actions. Start small, and slowly add more, as you get better at it. Did you read, things to do after a break-up, in my signature??

Ahh, the voice of reason :)

I did read that thread, I actually read all three and many others. It's what got me to this point where I'm at now, but I guess I should re-read some of those again.

The thing is, I feel like I need to change the way I am so I can adapt to the whole generation I'm actually in. Everyone around me, except for 2-3 friends I have, is into the clubbing, bar scene, partying and stuff like that. I for one am not and all of them are my age (20-27) etc. That makes me think that there is something wrong with me. Why am I not into this, why can't I enjoy it and "have fun" like they all do? I don't know why. Frankly to me it's stupid to make a fool out of yourself by getting drunk, making out with anyone and everyone and waking up in the morning with hangover.

And all that gets me all worked out and I start thinking that I don't belong here. I was happy when I found her thinking she's like me, she got over the whole party scene and that's that... Boy was I wrong, Plus she told me everything I wanted to hear just so she would be with me.

I know that I need to be more social and try to talk to people without actually having reason to, but there is something in me that is keeping me from doing that...

Thanks a lot for the reply. You're absolutely right about everything.

[HistorianChick]

Having been there, its hard. Its very hard, actually. But when you start living in the moment - every moment - you start to realize that your life is full of countless joys and little things that you've never before appreciated.

(that sounds kind of trippy... I'm sorry!)

Your quest for "being happy alone" is a difficult one. You're going to have to spend fluff time on yourself doing the things that make you happy. And, one day, you'll look back and realize that you are truly, completely happy.

Live your life for each moment. Make each moment happy... by doing so, you'll have a lifetime of happy moments.

Good luck, Hon. From one that's been there and survived... Good luck.

[DMBacoustic]

Like everybody has been saying, it's really hard at first but there willl come a time when believe it or not you're over all of this. The time will come when you are happy again, whether it be in another relationship, or alone. Just like historian chick said, live in the moment for the moment.

Just go out and start slow, and before you know it you'lll look back on this and wonder why you ever bothered worrying over somebody like this.

[Tical00]

Hey bro,
I was just like you, my girl broke up with me for another guy and I was hurt but keep your head up. I found this site and it really helped. I know its going to be hard, I was destroyed. I couldn't sleep, eat, work, etc... for awhile. Its been ab 2 months and I can finally say it is getting better. I would highly suggest hitting the gym. That's what I've been doing and now I'm concentrating on MYSELF 120%. Not only can you let out all your frustrations on the weights, you'll be huge in just a few months. A broken heart is the best motivation in my opinion. Hope this helps.

[Robert7x]

I hate the fact that it will take over 2-3 months to get over. I know everybody is different and I know "it takes as much time to get over somone as you let it" but I just can't believe that I will be stuck on her for 3 months. It's crazy.

I started working out last night and after a shower, I felt really good. I guess one step at a time, living from one day to another and we'll see where that gets me... I just wish I can get her out of my mind in the mornings... Every morning, I just want to go back to sleep... Nights I'm great... But mornings, man. It's a slap in the face every 7:30am :(

Thanks to all

[TrueFaith]

Yeah man working out is great. You can focus all your anger onto the weights. Then after a month or so you'll see a huge improvement in your body which will make you so much more happy.


I know it's the night times that was hard for me. Its tough not waking up to someone ;)
But you'll soon have everything back

Work on your way to getting another chick ;)

[thoughtiwastheman]

I'm not going to tell you all the things you should or shouldn't do because those that have posted already have done a great job in saying all the things I would have said. One thing I will say though is this. Look at her history. To me it seems like she has hurt a few good men in her life. The lesson you can take from this is that if she's done it once, she's likely to do it again. Let her go and try to forget about her. I know that this is hard and that only you yourself can overcome this burden but you must try to move on. It's the only way. Good luck... oh yeah, you're only 25... come on man, you have a lot more to learn and live for. Try taking a vacation to an exotic destination with beautiful women. Some place like Brazil, Italy, Hawii, or Puerto Rico. I'm sure the women in these places will not only make you forget your ex, but changing the scenery will also open your eyes to new things. Just a side note: When I went through my breakup, I came home from school every chance I got so that I can be with my friends and family. For me that was what I needed at the time. Think about what you need and go for it. Money shouldn't be a factor either. I've always put my mental/physical health above everything else so do what makes you feel good. This is the time to do things you wouldn't normally do. Branch out and do something that you've always wanted to do but never did because of the status quo or for some other reasons you may have. Live my friend. Live.

[ISneezeFunny]

I know how you feel Robert7x. On top of that, I know exactly what you mean by the whole "not going out" type. I'm 21... 21!! I should be getting drunk... quite often, but I don't. I'm just not a fan. I like to stay home and watch a movie... and when you're in college, it's really hard to make friends that way.

Regardless, I found a few things that I enjoy while getting over my ex. I work out almost everyday... I've made it a habit to ask a few friends out to eat about 2 - 3 times a week... I've also made a plan to go out to an exhibit about 2 times a month. Whether it be a museum, botanical garden, something. It's been 6 weeks now. I'm feeling a lot better than I did even 3 weeks ago.

Granted, the sleeping... is still a problem. You try sleeping with someone for 3 years (everyday) and then not have them next to you. Ugh.

[ISneezeFunny]

Sadly, those who don't drink, don't smoke, don't like to go clubbing are usually at home.. . what to do what to do what to do...

[TrueFaith]

Not at all ;) there are so many more other things to do me and my chick go rock climbing
That's fun

If you want to met people yeah go out but if you got someone many more things to do :)

[ISneezeFunny]

I meant the single ones truefaith.

[Robert7x]

I'm not going to tell you all the things you should or shouldn't do because those that have posted already have done a great job in saying all the things I would have said. One thing I will say though is this. Look at her history. To me it seems like she has hurt a few good men in her life. The lesson you can take from this is that if shes done it once, she's likely to do it again. Let her go and try to forget about her. I know that this is hard and that only you yourself can overcome this burden but you must try to move on. Its the only way. Good luck.....oh yeah, you're only 25....come on man, you have a lot more to learn and live for. Try taking a vacation to an exotic destination with beautiful women. Some place like Brazil, Italy, Hawii, or Puerto Rico. I'm sure the women in these places will not only make you forget your ex, but changing the scenery will also open your eyes to new things. Just a side note: When I went through my breakup, I came home from school every chance I got so that I can be with my friends and family. For me that was what I needed at the time. Think about what you need and go for it. Money shouldn't be a factor either. I've always put my mental/physical health above everything else so do what makes you feel good. This is the time to do things you wouldn't normally do. Branch out and do something that you've always wanted to do but never did because of the status quo or for some other reasons you may have. Live my friend. Live.

Great post... Thanks a lot. I know I'm only 25 and the life is in front of me and all that, but it's tough because of stuff that's going on in my head that doesn't make any sense. I'm actually originally from Europe so I've visited some of the places you mentiond in the past. It was great, but knowing that my ex is in Germany, I really don't want to go anywhere clsoe there now because I would just want to drive over there.

She has screwed up many guys in her past... I knew that, but didn't see it because I was blindly in love with her... Deep down inside I knew it wasn't going to last and she's going to break my heart but, heart took over...

You know that song by Justin Timberlake " What goes around comes around" That song I first heard when I met her, I've been listening to it for a long time and it's exactly the way it happened for me... the only thing I don't know if she'll get hers at the end or not, but it really doesn't matter now.

Lyrics

Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand

So why your love went away
I just can't seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way

Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without you
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around
That you were going to make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find...

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

Now girl, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it's all just a shame
And I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without you
Can you tell me is this fair?

Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were going to make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
[ What Goes Around lyrics found on Complete Album Lyrics ]
You should know that
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that

Don't want to think about it (no)
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it (yeah)
I just can't do without you
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were going to make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
But that's okay baby 'cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

[Comes Around interlude:]

Let me paint this picture for you, baby

You spend your nights alone
And he never comes home
And every time you call him
All you get's a busy tone
I heard you found out
That he's doing to you
What you did to me
Ain't that the way it goes

You cheated girl
My heart bleeds girl
So it goes without saying that you left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case
A scenario
Tale as old as time
Girl you got what you deserved

And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right

But girl I ain't somebody with a lot of sympathy
You'll see

(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told you, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told you, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told you, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told you, hey

See?
You should've listened to me, baby
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Because
(What goes around comes back around

[Robert7x]

I meant the single ones truefaith.

Yeah I agree... I'm not into the club scene, bar scene or party scene. So What do Single guys like us do? I go to the movies, to some other fun places with my friends... then on occasion we go to a club, but as soon as I get there I want to leave... So that's a tough one.

That's the reason I'm so screwed up about never finding anyone again, since about 90% of our generation is into the clubs and getting drunk and all... Nothing against that if you are into it, but it's just not my cup of tea, unfortunatelly. I wish I was like everybody else, at least then I wouldn't feel like Crap evey weekend.