[Wildflower47]

Hi
This might be a long story but please bare with me.
I met a man online 6 years ago. He lived in Scotland and me in Canada. We communicated online for just over 5 years and eventually fell for each other. 8 months ago he moved to Canada leaving everything in Scotland behind.
When we were online it appeared that we clicked sexually. I admitt that it was a bit hard to tell exactly how we would be in person though. We spent a fair bit of time on webcams and a whole lot of time chatting by voice. He appeared to be a very visual guy and had absolutely no problem with staying hard and having orgasms online. I had no indications of any sort of sexual problems that he may have had or that we might have together in person. I felt that we had talked enough about sex that we pretty much knew each other in that area. The only thing that caught my attention was that he never talked about intercourse so of course I asked him why and it was shrugged off as not a problem.
About 8 months ago he landed here in Canada with the idea of staying. Of course the only way to stay was to get married .
Since he's been here we have not had intercouse once. He doesn't seem to have any sort of sex drive actually. Our first sex in person was awkward, lacked passion and we ended up agreeing that maybe it was too soon. Meeting in person was the strangest feeling that either one of us had every had. You'd need to experience it to know what I mean. It's like a different reality and quite shocking... almost feels like trauma lol.
Ok, so here's what I have observed so far. He deffinately prefers hand jobs when he's interested at all. His drive is extremely low and has never approached me. He doesn't stay hard for long if he gets hard at all. He doesn't even attempt intercourse. Women will know what I mean when I say that he's never looked at me in the way a man might look at a woman if he finds her attractive. Remember though that we spent a fair bit of time on cams and he knew how I looked and expressed many times then that he thought I was beautiful.
I find it hard to warm up to him sexually so I don't approach much anymore. I use to but the lack of interest coming from him has diminished my interest in him.
We have talked about it but I feel like there is something that he isn't saying. Well, I should change that to I've tried to talk about it but he's one of those people that go quiet when it's a difficult subject. That gets really frustrating so sometimes I just end up ticked off. All he says is that he doesn't seem to have any sex drive. That sort of blows my mind because he sure wasn't like that all those years online. But, OK, something changed.
I realise that all the changes he's made by coming here were stressful and I accepted that as a reason from him for a while but it's been 8 months and nothing has changed except that its becoming more and more of an issue with me and more and more frustrating.
I don't know if our age matters much. We're both 47.
I tried porn with him and that deffinately seem to help arouse him but it also contradicted what he said about it not being about me and just being a low sex drive. Even so, he still didn't attempt intercourse and you could tell that it wouldn't take much for him to go soft but it was the most eager that I've seen him. Still, if it was about me then I'm really puzzled because he saw me online numerous times.
Any Advice?
Thanks
Wildflower

[Fr_Chuck]

? Not exactly sure, except perhaps online, there was a safety net, no real touching, there are some great pills to help with a mans sexual function, he may wish to try that.

[smoothy]

Has it ever been determined if its due to physical problems, medications or psychological reasons... maybe even a combination of those. 47 is NOT that old to be giving up on that.

[karma]

Well it looks like media stimulates him. Perhaps you should try video taping yourself, masterbating with a dildo, or recodring even while the two of you are having sexual relations. If direct intercourse is the issue, if he watches you have sex with a dildo while the two of you are having foreplay, it might make him want to "replace" the dildo. And introducing videotaping what you do, while watching it on the TV, when the two of you are together may help stimulate him because then he can watch while he does it. Hope it helps! But if you two are great in everyother way except sex, keep trying different things.

[Choux]

This is a very sad story.

Relations on line are not real relationships, they are fantasy relationships. Real, live people are imposing in person!. complicated and flawed, not able to be successfully romanticized or fantasized about.

I am reminded of a story I read last year about the successes of a famous online dating service... there were many divorces for those couples who were matched, dated and subsequently married.

You and your husband have the additional problem of having a one-interest relationship from what I gather. I think that perhaps your sexual relationship is about voyeurism(and exhibitionism), not about anything else.


I hope you can find your way out of this situation one way or another.

Best wishes,

[Wildflower47]

Hi
Ya, that's the tough part. We get along great in every other way but the intimacy just isn't there. I've wondered about the voyeurism too but he feels that's not it. He says that he doesn't understand at all what's going on with him.
The reason that I've wondered about the voyeurism is because of the porn and also because of the fact that the few times that we have been oral his eyes are extremely fixated... moe than I've ever experienced with anyone before.
The angry side of me comes from feeling like I've been lied to... silence is the same as lying to me.
Wildflower

[Choux]

I think that now you want more, but it is not there for you. There is no substitute for that real, personal connection, a feeling that stirs you deep inside. I think that is missing here, and you are sad.