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aalaiyah · Jan 21, 2008, 09:43 PM

I'm a bit overwhelmed, I'm not sure how the laws go when if comes to custody. I live in Oshawa Ontario, Canada. I have been trying to get in touch with a lawyer but I can't seem to get a response! I am just over 12 weeks pregnant, my ex and I have never been married and have never lived together. He was threatening for full custody which I know he can't get. I'm just curious if anyone has been through this situation and knows the best road to go, I would prefer he has visitations only and paid child support but that would be hard to do I suppose. Any insight or experiences would be great, just trying to stay positive and not worry, but it is extremely hard not too. The internet has many mixed responses, if anyone can help it would be greatly appreciated! Thank you
Meaghan

450donn · Jan 21, 2008, 09:58 PM

Well, unless he can prove you are an unfit mother he probably does not have much chance to get custody. Be sure that you go to the doctors, don't smoke, drink or do any drugs. In other words don't give him an excuse. As soon as the baby is born you have a couple of options. Adoption or keep it. If you choose to keep the baby, get a paternity test done and then you will have grounds for child support. Until then all I can say is I hope you know how this happened?

Fr_Chuck · Jan 21, 2008, 09:58 PM

I don't know why you think him getting visitation and having to pay child support is hard, that is what happens in about 80 percent of all child custoy cases. It is the norm.

But nothing can be done till the child is born, just don't list him on the birth certificate, then file in court for full custody, allowing him visitation, and child support, nothing to it.

aalaiyah · Jan 22, 2008, 06:27 AM

Thanks for the responses, I don't quite fully understand what you mean by "how this happened". I have always planned on keeping the child. The relationship I was in was very serious and we had planned on getting married once I finished my college diploma, I have one year left and will be finishing a bit late now but then I will have a very high paying job. I'm not concerned about that, I just was concerned about the court, I know that the rate for men wanting to be there has risen over the years, and they seem to give joint custody to any father who seems the slightest bit interested, maybe those cases were different. I'm just worried that's all and didn't know if there was a different way of going about it, or a loop hole. He's very smart and he doesn't want the baby, but he wants to spite me and get revenge on me, and that's why I just want him to have visitations, I don't want my baby around the negative vibe. He can be very evil when he choses. He doesn't treat his current son very well but his son loves him anyhow! He lives in a house with his brother so it will be hard to prove he's not fit, and he has rich parents who will pay for everything for him. I have saved lots of emails and phone recordings and such. Also, I want to breast feed my child, the full year, does anyone know if that will have an effect on the custody battle for the first year? He said he's going to fight me on it, but I believe it is healthier and bonds the mother and child. I haven't been able to find much on the subject, I was surprised.

aalaiyah · Jan 22, 2008, 06:40 AM

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I know that he smokes pot and is pretty much stoned all of the time, this is one of the reasons we would fight and why I think his temper is so bad. He puts his child on front of video games and I never really see him interact with his son in a nice way, I've seen him yell at him for not readiung properly, his son is 6 years old. However, proving any of this will be a problem, but can I bring it up still if I feel the drugs is a concern?

ScottGem · Jan 22, 2008, 07:24 AM

Ok. First you need to understand the different forms of custody. There is physical custody and regular custody. Physical custody dictates who the child will live with. Regular custody dictates who is responsible for raising the child.

If he requests it, he will likely get joint custody. But you will likely get PHYSICAL custody. So the child will live with you and he will have visitation rights. You shouldn't have much difficult getting that arrangement.

mraquino21 · Jan 22, 2008, 07:46 AM

I was trying to give Fr_Chuck a greenie but it wouldn't let me. So I'll just post here. I really agree with what he said about don't put the dad's name on the birth certificate. You'll have a lot less problems down the road.

Also, from the way you are describing your ex and how he is with his son. If it was me (and I am a mother) I wouldn't want my child around him. I'd not put his name on the birth certificate and move on no visitation and no child support. Unless he takes you to court and makes you. Think about what's best for your un born child.

ScottGem · Jan 22, 2008, 08:00 AM

If you petititon for child support, the courts will, almost definitely require a paternity test and getting him on the because. You may be required to pay for the paternity test since you are initiating the court action. However, if he signs the because acknowledging paternity, then you avoid that. If you do not plan on asking for child support or allowing visitation then you can try leaving him off.

aalaiyah · Jan 22, 2008, 01:55 PM

Thank you all for your replys, they were helpful! I did finally have a lawyer call back today, but he wasn't much help, I am glad I don't have to talk to him or have him at the hospital when I'm giving birth. My plan is to not put his name of the birth certificate, and I know I have that right now, because we have never been married . I don't really care about the child support if I could have him out of my life forever, but he will get some say, so I will follow Fr. Chucks advice and leave him off the birth certificate and then file for full custody with visitations, maybe request supervised because of the pot habbit. I never did have any response to what happens because I want to breastfeed my baby for the year. I guess I will just deal with that when the time comes! Thanks you all again for the responses, I appreciate it!

mraquino21 · Jan 22, 2008, 02:03 PM

I don't see why breastfeeding would have any impact on anything with your child. It is a natural thing to do. It's not like you are abusing your child. Women have always breastfed. Just make sure that you continue with a healthy diet and keep taking your prenatals. My daughter wouldn't ever take to my breast and I didn't produce enough milk so I had to bottle feed.

aalaiyah · Jan 22, 2008, 03:58 PM

I just meant that he said I wouldn't be because I will only have half the say and he said he's going for custody... if he gets joint then I was just wondering what the courts say about breasfeeding, pumping too often can cause loss of milk, if he takes the baby my breasts will engorge and I won't be able to breast fedd him/her. I wasn't sure if there are any laws regarding that

ScottGem · Jan 22, 2008, 04:35 PM

I think she's concerned about visitation while breastfeeding.

If you are not going to list him on the because, you may not have to do anything. Unless he files, as far as you are concerned there is no father. If he does file against you, then you counter file for Full and Sole custody. If he wants visitation he has to ask for it.

aalaiyah · Jan 22, 2008, 04:44 PM

Yeah that is what I meant, thanks. I know he'll ask for rights for sure, which is OK with me, but I want to breast feed so maybe something can be worked out, I don't know! We'll see when the time comes I guess, until then I'm just me and can have a healthy pregnancy and enjoy it. Do you know how long this court things usually last? Maybe I can drag it out for as long as I can so I can at least breasfeed for a bit.

ScottGem · Jan 22, 2008, 05:08 PM

Often, a father is granted in house visits during a child's infancy to allow the mother to breastfeed. Courts are sensitive to that issue.

aalaiyah · Jan 22, 2008, 05:12 PM

Thank you, that makes me feel better :) I'm going to try to get on talking terms and try to get the father to understand some of this... I doubt it but I can at least try! In house visitation, that could be interesting... and I'll have no problem if he wants to take the baby to see his parents and such, or they can come over to I suppose... lol... that'll be a happy household after all he's probably said about me, his parents and I were on really great terms, but I'm not sure after this if they'll be treating me the same way. I'm tough though so I can handle the stares... lol.. thank you for all your help, greatly appreciated!