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Delow84 · Jan 16, 2008, 04:57 PM

First I'd like to say I'm new to the site, and so I read the "what to expect when you get dumped" post. Very true, and I definitely understand. And I'm sorry this is so long... ended up venting some.

Now I'm a 23 year old guy, met my ex when I was a freshmen in HS. We met on Aol and chatted for 4 years before meeting. We met, fell in love and stayed together for 4 years and 8 months. It was a bumpy road, but it never mattered to me how bad it got because I loved her.

During our relationship I was not allowed to go out with friends, or have friends who were girls, was'nt allowed to watch movies with nudity or that show a lot of female skin. Ya she was insecure, easily jealous etc. I never cheated, nor wanted to, loyalty is important to me. I may have lied about things here and there (mainly about watching movies that had nudity lol) But eventually just stopped lying all together.

She would complain we never go out, but then if I'd offer to take her out she would say no because "there are other girls there i might check out" or "that movie has nudity or close to it" or we just didn't have the money because she job hopped for a few months and I had to break myself and borrow from parents to pay bills. All I could really do was watch law and order and play video games. Which she complained I played too much.

And she was a big stickler on being honest, fes up when you make mistakes or do something etc. Always worried I would find someone else prettier or whatever. Or cheat on her.

Well I'm sure by now you could guess what happened. This last October she wanted to go downtown to dinner for a birthday for a girlfriend from work. Im like sure have a good time (I worked overnights at a hospital I couldn't go) well she texts me later asking if she could go bowling with her sis, I'm like sure. Well I happened to get off early, so I head to the bowling alley to surprise her. Not there. Next day I don't confront her, I hint at it and want to see if she would be honest. She wasn't. So I go online and I look up the clubs where I live... and then look at the picture section for that particular day she was downtown. Low and behold she had a pic taken and didn't realize it.

So I did prob the worst and best thing, broke up with her the next day when she still wouldn't be honest. (oh and also saw she had been texting, and calling a new number on the cell bill) Well I come to find out through many sources, that she was cheating on me with a guy from work, went out with him that night, a day after we broke up she moved in with him, locked my mom on a 2nd story balcony while we were moving my stuff out, called cops on each other, flirted with cops with me right there. Lol. Wow. I take a second to look at all she has done and I'm like wow. All one week before my birthday, and 2 months before I was going to propose (on xmas eve). She has been living with him since.

I made a myspace, wrote in a notebook till I filled it, blogged a few times a day. My cousin moved in with me at my new apartment and I started partying and drinking (which I wasn't allowed to do either. And things were bad but not that bad. Then she made a myspace *groan* which sucked. I checked it every day for a week before I made myself not check it (was 2 months before I relapsed and checked it today) shouldn't have.

It has been 3 months yesterday since all this happened. And my mind says all that ^ but my heart loves her so much. She is the first thing I think of in the morning, last before bed, and always in my dreams (although my dreams never have us back together which is good... ) Everything in the city I live in reminds me of her. We did so much together. I hate watching TV and quit playing video games for 3 months before I finally picked up a control again. I started working out because I thought I was to skinny or whatever. Now I just work out when thinking of her gets bad (everyday) My heart hopes she will come back, or realize the mistakes she has made. My heart breaks seeing her holding someone new and being happy (her myspace)

And all the while my mind is saying, it's over, she isn't coming back, you need to remember the bad not the good so much. I know I'm not ready to date again, the few girls I've talked to just doesn't feel right (so we just friends) I know time will make things easier, lol I've given most the same advice I might get. I am smart and wise enough to know it isn't the end of my life. I know I may potentially meet someone new who makes me happy. And that I will stop feeling so hurt.

But then again, I have those feelings, where I know my life isn't over, but the lifewith her is. And that's what mattered to me. I wanted to marry her. Good and bad. And she dropped me after so much like I was nothing.

So I read things like "what to do when you get dumped" and "what to expect" etc, I blog A lot on myspace, and now I'm on here asking, what, I don't know. It feels good talking, and writing, and I didn't know what I was going to write, but looks to me as all the reasons it might have been a good thing.

But I miss her everyday. And I really do not know what to do. Because everything makes me think of her, or makes me sad. And I know I'm not the first or last to feel this way, but I just can't listen to my own advice I guess.

Craig80 · Jan 16, 2008, 05:35 PM

Well.. you seem like a smart guy - you know that it's over and you know why it's over, that's a good ground to build on. I think you did the right thing dumping her, and I must say that the fact that she was so obsessive and jealous with you and forbid you to more or less, just live a normal life, is really SICK.

The good thing here is that you now know what kind of girl she is - The cheating kind, and I can't believe that she had the conscience and nerve to forbid you to watch movies with nudity while she herself actually cheated on you - you wouldn't want to marry a woman like that now would you? She's cold as ice, my advise is to stay away and release the thoughts of her, when you think how much you "love her and miss her" etc, just think of all the bad things she did, and how you are worth someone who treats you like a normal person, not like some kind of fragile china porcelain that had to be kept inside watching TV without nudity.

Delow84 · Jan 16, 2008, 05:43 PM

Ya it was all pretty bad, very hipocritical and stuff. And I hope someday to find someone who can treat me decent, but after 5 years with the same woman, not wanting or even thinking of trying to get with anyone else... I am a little lost. Guess only time will fix that, but then unless a great girl just falls into my lap it's hard for me to see how I will meet anyone. Guess my confidence is shot.

Craig80 · Jan 16, 2008, 05:54 PM

Dude, you WILL easily find someone else who will treat you great, I'm sure of it. My girlfriend of 8 months broke with me like 4 days ago, I'm trying to handle it and it's going sort of well, I've accepted that I won't be together with her again, and I honestly don't want to either! My confidence isn't all that great right now either but time fixes that, and yeah - one day that great girl just might hit on you. But I won't be passive no more, I'll hit on girls next time I go out and sure I might get rejected a bit but I'm bound to get some hits eventually, too. Great Fight Club quote BTW :D

Delow84 · Jan 16, 2008, 05:59 PM

I saw your quote and it reminded me of the one on my myspace. Lol. Ya its been 3 months and someone told me it usually takes at least 1 month for every year. But right now I just can't imagine myself with anyone else, I'm scared of getting into another relationship and it all happening again. How can you say you "love" someone for almost 5 years, and then just drop them like they never existed?

Craig80 · Jan 16, 2008, 06:11 PM

Well.. there is no absolute time frame for how long it takes before you will be healed, but there is a little bit truth in that I think, you do need time. But well, things do come to an end.

The past is gone, it consists of memories of moments that you have, but that's it, after some time you will start looking forward and feel again, and begin to be happy and feel free, then you will want to say that you "Love" someone else instead and it will start over and feel right. =)

friend4u178 · Jan 16, 2008, 06:37 PM

Hi Delow
Like craig says there really is no time frame for how long it takes to heal. Different people react differently to adversity.

The thing I can tell you though is you won't start to heal until you have excepted that this is over and LET GO. I see so many people on here who do no contact for all the wrong reasons , they think it is a tool to win their Ex back. Thereby not starting the healing process because all they are really doing is hanging on to false hope. 3 months down the track they are still at square one and don't understand why.

Good luck

Delow84 · Jan 16, 2008, 06:47 PM

You I don't cry as much or as hard anymore. Although I still do. I've actually started doing a little more to fix my life, working out paying off debts etc. And I do realize it's over, she isn't going to come back when she realizes her mistakes (if she does at all) we aren't ever going to get back together. Even if she came back, it would be very very difficult for me to even consider taking her back. I know what she has done, and who she has become. I am smart enough to know that I don't want it all happening again.

I guess part of me held on to some little hope things might turn around. But I've killed off that hope I think. I just want to be happy again, move on, and maybe meet someone new who I can fall in love with and be happy with. :)

It is nice, and I appreciate your guys' responses. It does help even if just for the moment to hear from others. And friend4u178 I definitely agree with the quote in your sig "i dont miss her anymore, but i still miss who I thought she was."

friend4u178 · Jan 16, 2008, 06:51 PM

Just takes time my friend , and when you are eventually happy again it shines through in your personality etc.

That's when they'll come flocking :-)

Delow84 · Jan 16, 2008, 07:43 PM

I hope so :) I'm tired of being miserable. I am planning on moving out of state this year, so maybe that change might help me some. I am trying to set goals for myself. It doesn't help knowing how insanly happy she is. (stupid myspace) all it takes is time, but time goes so quickly when your happy, and drags when your miserable. Day by day.

friend4u178 · Jan 16, 2008, 07:46 PM

Well there's a cure for the Myspace issue... don't look at it :-) Makes you feel bad right , so why look.

Delow84 · Jan 16, 2008, 07:59 PM

You that's basically what it was when she first made it, I looked for a week straight, then I was like "dude this is just messing me up more" so I stopped for 2 months, don't know why I checked today, that will definitely not happen again. Its kind of a kick in the face, all the things she said I couldn't do, or she wouldn't do with me, she does with this new guy. All the insecurity and jealousy and her quirks just evaporated.

Bah see I can't stop. What does it matter ? The why, or how could she etc... none of it matters. Yet those questions keep rolling through my head.

Homegirl 50 · Jan 16, 2008, 09:01 PM

Originally Posted by Delow84

I hope so :) im tired of being miserable. I am planning on moving out of state this year, so maybe that change might help me some. I am trying to set goals for myself. It doesn't help knowing how insanely happy she is. (stupid myspace) all it takes is time, but time goes so quickly when your happy, and drags when your miserable. day by day.

You were with her for a long time so it will take a while. But from what I read, you were not all that happy anyway. All those restrictions, she had you whipped. Once you move away and get her out of your system, you're going to be glad she is gone. She has a new one she can drag around by the collar.
Celebrate your Independence

Delow84 · Jan 16, 2008, 09:14 PM

I definitely agree there were things that made me unhappy, and I do have my independence now. And it may be the fact that the break up is still new, so that 'fog of love' hasn't lifted yet, but I was content. Looking away during a movie or not seeing one at all is a small price to pay to have someone who you thought loved you completely.

But you I have my independence, so I am moving out of state, getting a motorcycle (which was a no no) and looking into skydiving which is something I've always wanted to do.

:) thank you for your responses

Homegirl 50 · Jan 16, 2008, 09:42 PM

Originally Posted by Delow84

I definatly agree there were things that made me unhappy, and i do have my independence now. And it may be the fact that the break up is still new, so that 'fog of love' hasnt lifted yet, but i was content. Looking away during a movie or not seeing one at all is a small price to pay to have someone who you thought loved you completely.

But ya i have my independence, so i am moving out of state, getting a motorcycle (which was a no no) and looking into skydiving which is something ive always wanted to do.

:) thank you for your responses

You were content. That speaks volumes. You were content for years and now you are alone, that is your problem, not love sickness.
You are going to be fine. It will happen sooner than you think.
This lady has control issues, I don't think she knows what love is.

EuRa · Jan 16, 2008, 09:56 PM

2 Things I Want To Add:

1) MySpace blogs? Are they public? Can she read them? If so, and they are about her, I guarantee that it's helping her. If she knows that you are hurting or still care for her, etc, then I guarantee she feels powerful. This will help her move on. This gives her power over you. Make it private so she can't read them. If I were you, I'd also probably take them down and just keep those thoughts to yourself.

2) I don't want to call you a "sissy" or a "wheeny", but no girl that I know likes it when her man doesn't stand up for himself, especially to his own woman. You don't need to boss her around and such, just tell her that your life is your life, and you can do what you want.

For example, you couldn't go out because she would get jealous, right? Well she was at this club with this guy, you don't think he wasn't dancing with other girls and not checking them out do you? If you had stood up for yourself and told her "hey i like naked movies and im gonna watch one right now" or "im going to the bar, you can come with me" etc, despite her not liking you for it, on the inside she will respect you more for sticking up for yourself, and respect you even MORE when you do those things and you don't stray from her or cheat on her.

-------

After 4 years, I really think that whole situation with you and her could have been prevented if you had just become a man. I'm sorry dude, I don't mean to put you down, but women don't like men that they can boss around and tell them what to do. Men should know what to do, know the limits, take responsibility, and do what's right. This doesn't mean you have to be less sensitive or less caring, but no woman likes a relationship where she feels like she's wearing the pants.

At least, no woman that I know. Maybe Hillary Clinton. :P

-------

I just re-read what I wrote, then read everyone else's response, and half the people sort of hinted at what I was saying, but didn't actually say it. It's like when someone is eating food, then stops to talk, but has a huge piece of cheese hanging from their mouth as they talk, and nobody says anything. Well I'm saying something. I think that everyone can learn from past relationships, I know I have. I was too insecure, too needy, over-bearing, and I nit-picked too much. I, too, wasn't a real man back in 1999. She walked all over me and I paid for it in the end. I read your story and I just remember myself back then. The thing is, I had to figure it out for myself, which took a few years. I'm telling you NOW so that maybe you'll realize it and see it and you will be able to fix it sooner than I did.

Seriously dude, you are smart and secure with yourself. You were able to break it off with her on your own. That's hard to do, very few people have what you have. But there's always something to work on, and I think this is it. If you can do that, then you will be sweet pickins for the next lucky lady that comes along! :)

Delow84 · Jan 17, 2008, 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by EuRa

2 Things I Want To Add:

1) MySpace blogs? Are they public? Can she read them? If so, and they are about her, I guarentee that it's helping her. If she knows that you are hurting or still care for her, etc, then I guarentee she feels powerful. This will help her move on. This gives her power over you. Make it private so she can't read them. If I were you, I'd also probably take them down and just keep those thoughts to yourself.

2) I don't want to call you a "sissy" or a "wheeny", but no girl that I know likes it when her man doesn't stand up for himself, especially to his own woman. You don't need to boss her around and such, just tell her that your life is your life, and you can do what you want.

For example, you couldn't go out because she would get jealous, right? Well she was at this club with this guy, you don't think he wasn't dancing with other girls and not checking them out do you? If you had stood up for yourself and told her "hey i like naked movies and im gonna watch one right now" or "im going to the bar, you can come with me" etc, despite her not liking you for it, on the inside she will respect you more for sticking up for yourself, and respect you even MORE when you do those things and you don't stray from her or cheat on her.

-------

After 4 years, I really think that whole situation with you and her could have been prevented if you had just become a man. I'm sorry dude, I don't mean to put you down, but women don't like men that they can boss around and tell them what to do. Men should know what to do, know the limits, take responsibility, and do what's right. This doesn't mean you have to be less sensitive or less caring, but no woman likes a relationship where she feels like she's wearing the pants.

Atleast, no woman that I know. Maybe Hillary Clinton. :P

-------

I just re-read what I wrote, then read everyone else's response, and half the people sorta hinted at what I was saying, but didn't actually say it. It's like when someone is eating food, then stops to talk, but has a huge piece of cheese hanging from their mouth as they talk, and nobody says anything. Well I'm saying something. I think that everyone can learn from past relationships, I know I have. I was too insecure, too needy, over-bearing, and I nit-picked too much. I, too, wasn't a real man back in 1999. She walked all over me and I paid for it in the end. I read your story and I just remember myself back then. The thing is, I had to figure it out for myself, which took a few years. I'm telling you NOW so that maybe you'll realize it and see it and you will be able to fix it sooner than I did.

Seriously dude, you are smart and secure with yourself. You were able to break it off with her on your own. That's hard to do, very few people have what you have. But there's always something to work on, and I think this is it. If you can do that, then you will be sweet pickins for the next lucky lady that comes along! :)

I totally agree for the most part, but don't get me wrong, the myspace thing Is sort of like this website, where I can vent and have friends I hadn't talked to (for the course of my relationship) help me out. At one point I thought like that "she is gonna feel so confident and be riding high knowing im sad" but then I thought, I don't care if she reads it, likes it, hates it, feels better or worse, I just don't care if anything I say has any effect on her.

If it makes her move on faster, or prevents it doesn't matter to me because Ive made it a point with myself not to 'know' anything about her. I don't want to see 4 more months from now that the guy she is with now left her or something and she misses me. Cause no I wouldn't go back to her but id feel sad for her. And she isn't worth that feeling.

Also lately most blogs haven't been "woe is me i miss her" kind of blogs. More just, this is where I'm at, what I'm doing and where I'm going with my life. I don't know if I had an epiphany yesterday from talking to friends, and posting on here and just listening to myself a bit. But I realize it still hurts, just not as bad anymore. Seeing her with another guy stung like hell, but it only stung. A little neosporin(misspelled) and ill be fine :) I realized I just got to go and do what I want, keep my goals in sight and focus on those. And I may have a relapse and have a few nights of misery here and there. But as long as I keep on the road toward the goals I've set myself ill be OK I think.

Also on the me being a sissy, lol, its partly true I admit. Now through the course of our relationship I of course stood up for myself and what was right. I did go out every once in awhile to shoot pool with my best friend (though no drinking cause I wanted to compromise) But I decided after a couple days of ffighting afterwards or her using it all as ammo to through in my face when she did the many things wrong that she did, that it wasn't worth the hassle so you at that point I wussed out. But I am definitely making it a point to stick to how I feel and believe and if someone can't love me for me the way I am, then they arnt worth it. My ex didn't love me she loved having a 'pet', and when I got a little bit of some willpower it was too much.

Now she seems cured of all the problems she showed in our relationship, which kind of sucks, but oh well. The last memory Ill have of her now is knowing she is happy. Whether it lasts or not I won't know. I can be a vindictive and vengeful person, I believe in Karma, but giving her more time in my head then she already uses, isn't worth the effort. I loved her unconditionaly, and it sucks she couldn't feel the same but that's life. :) but I'm definitely not going to be a wuss in the future.

I am me, like it or not that's who I will always be.

HistorianChick · Jan 17, 2008, 01:54 PM

Darlin, we've all felt the same pain you're feeling. We empathize. We can only tell you that it will get better. Its hard and it hurts like the ens, but it will be better soon.

One of the best things you can do for yourself is to NOT look at her myspace. That was one of my first steps after coming out of a deep, two-year, we're-getting-married relationship (in which the guy, three weeks after we broke up, was engaged. Yup. Engaged.). It's a little victory that you can win. Don't look at her page.

One thing that you need to realize is that space (moving out of state) is not going to change anything. The thing you're running from is in you - its your heart. Once you decide that you are better off without her, that you are worth something without her, that you are the perfect guy that some girl is looking for... you'll have found the key. And you won't feel like running.

Remember that line in Home Alone where Kevin went outside and said, "I'm not afraid anymore!"? I think of that silly little line a lot. You have to get to the point where you can say that you are really not afraid of not having her.

Keep your chin up. You'll be fine.

And BTW: you "weren't allowed" to do all of those things?? That's nuts. You're an adult. You should want to show the person you're with honor and respect their wishes, but to not "be allowed"?? Honey, you're going to be fine without her.

DMBacoustic · Jan 17, 2008, 02:11 PM

Hey man, just wanted to say don't feel alone. I was with my girl for three years and it was the same thing. I lost all of my female friends I had while I was in college because she was so insecure, I got backlash when I went out to bars and got drunk with my buds, and at the time I conformed because I thought she was the "one". Well sure enough just like your situation, I found out the hard way when she went back to her first love in November.

But don't worry just like everyone says it gets better, and even now it may not seem like it, and even when it gets better you still have temporary setbacks and moments where you feel like it's the end of the world, there will be that time when you say "I"m not afraid anymore!" hahaha Historian Chick that is an awesome quote. And you'll realize your life is freakin awesome and you don't need manipulative controlling people like that in your life. I wish you the best of luck.

Delow84 · Jan 17, 2008, 02:25 PM

Historian chick that IS an awesome quote and perfect, thanks. I hope to be able to say that with conviction some day :) And my best friend said same things about moving as you. My problems will follow me. And you I would say my ex is part of the reason. But only part. I hate when everything I see or do where I live reminds me of her, sure. She moved to myside of town because of me and lives not 3 minutes from my apt, my parents house and my work >.< Moving solves that problem, because I won't see 'that church we would sit in parking lot of and just talk' and the like. But also its kind of an independence thing.
I want to go my own way, not rely on my parents (which I appreciate all their help) but just be able to say I am here doing it all myself for a change.

And honestly I'm scared of living anywhere else, scared of being alone and scared I might be alone for the rest of my life. There are those people who sadly never find mrs right, I see them everyday at work, and it scares me. I guess I am scared of a lot, and would definitely like to be able to say I'm not afraid anymore. Which is why I'm throwing myself into my fears.