[rowansnow]

Hi -
I've been dating a guy for about six months. We seemed to have a very strong connection in the beginning but decided to wait to have sex. He is 31 and I am 27. So, we waited about three months and at some point, he told me that he was in love with me. I had very strong feelings for him, too, so the relationship moved forward. Now he tells me that he respects me too much to have sex with me and that he sometimes loves and is attracted to me but other times we feel more like friends. Can anyone give me insight into what is going on here?
I tried to initiate sex with him recently and he told me, flat out, no. I freaked out and had a completely emotional reaction. I felt like he was rejecting the entire 'romantic' relationship. I didn't do anything overly dramatic or drastic but it scared me that I had such a strong reaction. He told me that his ideal was to just hang out as friends most of the time but still have sex once in a while (I assume this means whenever he feels like it.) He also said that he knows it isn't fair to me and that he doesn't want to date other people -he's made that abundantly clear.
I have severely limited contact with him since. We used to sleep in the same bed nearly every night and spend time together every day. We have talked over the phone several times and hung out once in the week since we had the argument. He still calls and sends me e-mail on a daily basis. He has recently asked if he could come over (at night) and invited me over to his place to watch movies and sleep over.
Am I doing something completely wrong, like being too available, or can a man really lose interest in having sex with everyone? Sometimes I think he is just depressed and that he will be happier when some things in his life change and other times I think that he is just not interested in me as a girlfriend and it wouldn't matter what his life was like... He has certainly gone through some horrible things lately and I was there for him.
I really care about him and want him in my life, which is why I haven't already walked away and have gone through and continue to go through so much for him.
What do you think I should do? I hope that taking time to regain my own life (which I never really lost) will leave him wanting more of my time than he can have and possibly cause him to be more attracted to me, but I don't know yet. I have considered dating other people and even discussed this with him. He said that I would find someone else and then he would regret losing me.
Am I just wasting my time and fooling myself that there is even a chance he will feel the way he once did about me?

[kp2171]

You want a lover, not a girlfriend, right? Cause that's all he is right now... a roommate.

Sexual compatibility is important and it isn't something we should be ashamed of thinking about. Scour the threads here... there are many women miserable in relationships with mates who are not interested at all..

Yes, it happens. No, it shouldn't.

I'm in a great relationship. Almost ten years together, coming on eight married. But if I told my wife, who is strong, loyal, and committed, that our sex life was over and done... we'd quickly have some problems.

If getting off was all there was to getting off.. women would have a closet full of batteries to power their "tools" and men would have strong wrists. Its about sensual intimacy. Its about connecting.

Can relationships go through lulls and ruts sexually? Absolutely. Been there, done that.

But his saying he knows its wrong and he will lose you, and then doing nothing about it means he's either willing to lose you for his laziness or that there's some other issue here.

Is he depressed? Is he stressed? Overworked?

[rowansnow]

Thanks for the reply. It is difficult to understand how one person can be attracted and the other completely uninterested after a relationship is already under way. I don't understand why he is not willing to end the relationship if he doesn't feel any 'chemistry' between us. Maybe I am giving him too much leniency, but I know that he is very stressed out because he has been underemployed for the last three months and maybe I attribute his lack of sexual desire to this fact.
I know that people say a lot of things, but he has told me several times that he should marry me and not look back, and that I was the best person he has ever had in his life. Just a few weeks ago, he told me that our date was the best night of his life. I think he and I could have a lot of really great times together and don't want to end the relationship prematurely.
I know it's difficult to give a definitive answer if you haven't closely observed and become acquainted with all the details of the relationship and that, being so intimate with those details, it is also difficult to know what to do.
My dellima is that I attribut many (and perhaps too many) things to his stress over being out of work and borrowing a great amount of money from a HELOC and other things like that. It is hard for me to know if that is actually true since I haven't known him for a very long time and don't really know how he is without all the stress all the time. I know how he was when we first met and now he is not the same. I don't know if this is because the relationship truly is not working for him (in which case, I would appreciate it if he could just tell me that) or if it is due to all the stress.

[rol]

The stress could be a factor. Ive a friend who went through the same thing.

For now get on with your own life and focus on you.

[kp2171]

Short answer is you aren't going to know anything soon.

Lots of threads here with people complaining that after 6 months their lover was no longer loving. Been there, done that syndrome. All relationships face this to some degree... as the newness of a relationship always charges the mind with wondering...

But relationships (including the sexual component) take work and effort, even in the best ones. Like I said, I'm in a good marriage that has a healthy sex life... its complicated. You cannot have a young child in the house and work and have the same freedoms you had when you were childfree and your time was more open... but it takes work... meaning thoughtful attention and effort.

All that said... I can tell you we've had two "dry" spells in our relationship. One when I was really depressed about money and one where my wife was physically exhausted and sick. The money thing was right after our son was born, wed moved to a bigger house, and I quit a job with the expectation of having a different job, which fell apart at the last moment. This was followed by 6 mo of not getting jobs id applied for that would work around my schedule with me staying with my son during the day and working at night.

Id been employed since I was a young teen, so not working drove me mad, not to mention the stress of holiday bills, etc. depression can crush libido.

I'm concerned about his swings. You say you've known him for not a really long time... its OK that he thinks you are great... but marry you and not look back??

I don't have your perspective or info, but it seems to me that he is looking for you to save him. Seems like he's at extremes... all is awful or all is great?

Again... I've been depressed before about money. Took work and planning to get through it. I don't believe for one minute that this stress doesn't at least contribute to his lack of desire for sex.

But there is also a point where you have to be careful... like you said, you don't know how he is without the stress. I'm not telling you to abandon him, but I am saying I wouldn't be talking marriage (I know you said he mentioned it, you didn't mention it yourself) at all until you get a better understanding about how he is mentally "normally", how he is with money normally, etc...

We all get in our ruts, and we sometimes get a bad break.

Doesn't mean he's bad. Doesn't mean he wouldn't be good for you. But you do need him to find a way to pull himself out of this... otherwise maybe he just cycles through these extreme ups and downs in his relationships. Not fun.

Since my little dark episode I've had to ward off minor depression a few times... usually in the winter, usually when finances are tighter... but I know myself well enough now to not let myself get there without asking for help or without changing whatever needs to be changed to remedy the situation, such as a better budget to prevent financial stress.

I can honestly tell you part of the reason I was depressed was that I thought I could handle it all myself... thought I could solve all the money strains... and what helped me was talking to my mate and setting up a better budget that let us get through that period... we followed this up with more structure a few more times and now finances are no longer an issue. I have a whole years worth of spending laid out in a spreadsheet and I know exactly how much I'm going to invest. It's a powerful place to be. And that lets your mind be free... it took work.

I never give a short answer. Sorry.

Just wanted to let you know I empathize with his position. I also know he needs to do something about it. You can play the victim a while, but at some point you need to do something about it... and right now you don't know if this is just his normal mode, since some people always find ways to have stress in their lives... or whether he's just a good guy going through a bad stretch.

[rowansnow]

Thank you both for sharing your perspecitves and personal stories and insights. It feels great to be able to discuss this with someone else.
What I want to do is help someone about whom I truly care, but not to my detriment. I can empathize with him that he is under a great amount of personal and financial strain right now. I want to be there for him as a girlfriend but don't know if I am making things worse. Of course, it would be easy if he could just say, "I'm really under a lot of stress right now and just don't feel like having sex." but instead he said, "sometimes I feel in love with you and sometimes I don't." I don't know if those two statements mean the same thing or not, hence, my looking indecision about leaving the relationship or staying to try and work things through.
Perhaps it is a fault in me or my idea of love but, given the nature of my feelings for this guy, I am not interested in just being friends with him. It would be too difficult for me to become his friend now since the basis of our relationship was romantic from the beginning.

Examining things through the lense of reflection, I realize that he is not the only person who has changed. Before I met him, I felt a strong sense of happiness and accomplishment in my life. I thought he wasI am different now than I was six months ago and I am working on getting back to the point where I was so I can be the happy, positive, confident person he fell in love with. It's not just an attempt to make him attracted to me again, I am doing it for myself. Another benefit, though, I will be better able to help him with his struggles if I am happy in my life outside of him.

With respect to the extremes of his emotions, I would say that everything is either great or everything is just OK. I didn't understand what 'marry you and not look back' meant and wasn't sure if anyone could shed light on the meaning. He hass said other similar and less dubious things but that was a little strange and stuck out particularly in my mind. True, now is not the time to be considering marriage. When he made this particular remark, it was actually something like 'put a ring on your finger', I asked him why he was so sure I woud accept his proposal but, I can't say that the thought has not crossed my mind at other times.

Thanks again for reading and replying to my post. I will continue to rekindle the things that made me so happy before I was in the relationship and I will continue to try to be there for this man I care so much about.

[starfirefly]

Well truthfully more and more men are becoming asexual... they want to have all the things to do with women .but not the sex part. Lots of women are not supportive of this decision that they make. And its sometimes hard for them to say it to you ,because they don't like to feel different. But its not usually their fault, and its absolutely in no way your fault, it just seems that in his mind he wants to be with you but can't express that part physically

[TrueFaith]

Most men are like that. Funny enough :)

He will do it when he is ready maybe he has had a lot of just SEX relationships in the past. Its very nice when a guy finds a girl he can connect with on an emotional scale.. he probable just does not want to mess it up with sex.

Don't take it to heart.
He will be there when he is ready :)

[SILLYSALLY41]

I am going through a similar situation. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 35. We have been together for 2 years and living together for one and a half. When we first started dating he had a broken knee and therefore couldn't have sex. When he first started getting better, he either couldn't get hard, or didn't stay hard for more than a minute. He attributed all this to the pain in his knee and blood going to his knee instead of his member. But he has been totally fine for a long time and he like never wants to have sex with me. And when he finally does want to have sex we only go for about 3-5 minutes and the first two minutes he is really soft!! I am a very horny girl and used to have sex with my ex boyfriend at least 3 times a day! Now I'm lucky if I get sex 3 times a month! I love him very much and he wants to marry me!! But thinking about a lifetime of hoping to get laid a couple times a month for a couple minutes. At first I could deal with it, because we have so much other stuff in common and I truly feel that he is the one, but how can this work if we don't have sexual chemistry?? Plus, they say women his their prime in their 40s! And by the time I am forty he will be in his 50s and won't it be worse by that point?? I don't know what to do. I'm sick of having to finish myself off when he is done, I want the intamicy and I want good sex! Is that so much to ask for?? Or am I simply acting like a 23 yr old horny girl? He won't go to the doctor because he is embarrassed and I tried ordering him these pills offline that cost me an arm and a leg but didn't work!! What can I do? And I how can I get him to do anything about it without hurting his feelings? We don't even sleep in the same bed together!! He sleeps on the couch and I sleep in the bed because I have insomnia and he snores like a train! Please let me know what you think. Has anyone had it this bad? And what should I do? I don't want to feel like I'm not sexy OR MY BOYFRIEND DOESN'T WANT TO EVEN TOUCH ME ANYMORE!! I want to be with him, but if this is suttin that is going to end up breaking us up, why should I prolong it and get closer and waste both of our times you know what I mean? Please help.

~~confused and horny~~

[talaniman]

My dellima is that I attribut many (and perhaps too many) things to his stress over being out of work and borrowing a great amount of money from a HELOC and other things like that. It is hard for me to know if that is actually true since I haven't known him for a very long time and don't really know how he is without all the stress all the time. I know how he was when we first met and now he is not the same. I don't know if this is because the relationship truly is not working for him (in which case, I would appreciate it if he could just tell me that) or if it is due to all the stress.

After just six months, your overreacting and taking all of this much to personally. You have barely scratched the surface of being comfortable enough to establish any communications, let alone honest communications. Your moving way to fast, and missing the most important part of a relationship, having fun as you get to know each other well. Slow this train down some, and keep a healthy, balance between him, and the things you enjoy without him. The sex is but a symptom, of problems in other areas of your lives, that needs to be resolved. He is correct, and been honest, that at this point, having sex would only add confusion to this relationship, and you must strengthen and nurture, the communications FIRST. Be patient, and get back to the fun part, without the sex at this point, as you both are strangers. See where your at in a year, if this is worth the time, to you.

[talaniman]

I will continue to rekindle the things that made me so happy before I was in the relationship and I will continue to try to be there for this man I care so much about.

That's how healthy, mature people handle it, so you must be a healthy, mature, caring person. I'm sure he will recognise that, and do the same for you. Take your time there is no hurry in love.