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joannak2008 · Jan 9, 2008, 05:35 PM

My husband cheated on me and lied. She had a baby in September of 2007. I found out the baby was his in November of 2007. She had been my friend and is my neighbor who lives behind me. I had to sell my house, get rid of all my animals, move to a rental home. I cannot take it anymore. They changed the babies last name to ours. I have 2 kids ages 7 & 9 and cannot deal with what they have to go through knowing that their friends baby is their half brother. My husband filed for divorce and keeps stringing me along. I don't know what to do because I still love him.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 9, 2008, 06:29 PM

Well, first your sold your home, and moved because he had an affair.

Most women kick the man out and make him pay for the house.

So your children will have a 1/2 brother, this is almost common now adays. If you don't want the divorce, talk with him, find a good marriage couselor and see if you can work it out.

NowWhat · Jan 10, 2008, 07:35 AM

Affairs are so hard to get through. You feel so betrayed and hurt but still have love for the person who hurt you. Because YOU didn't violate your vows, you never stopped loving him. So, where does the love go? Sometimes it would be easier if we had an on/off button. But we don't.

How is he stringing you along? Is he not wanting the divorce? You have removed yourself from the situation - that is good. I don't think it would be healthy to have to see this woman all the time - not right now.
If he is telling you he wants to work things out - you have to ask yourself some tough questions. First, Can you handle the fact that he has a child with someone else? A child that will be in your life if you stay? Can you ever truly get past the affair and trust him again?
If you don't think you can - then divorce may be the way to go.

My husband had an affair - I know the pain that it causes. IF a baby had been the result of it - I could not have stayed. I know myself well enough to know I could not handle it. It would be hard enough dealing with it on my own, but to have the constant reminder every time I would look into the eyes of that child - I just couldn't do it. It wouldn't be fair for me or for the innocent child.

I would recommend counseling for you. It is hard to process these emotions and an outside party can be helpful. They may also be able to help you with ways to talk to your kids about this. It won't be easy, but with the right tools, it can be done.

Good luck

talaniman · Jan 10, 2008, 08:37 AM

Get a lawyer and start protecting yourself. Confused as how someone who lied, and cheated, and has filed for divorce can lead you on though.

George_1950 · Jan 10, 2008, 10:11 AM

I am sorry that you have had to encounter this difficult event. You wrote: "I have 2 kids ages 7 & 9 and cannot deal with what they have to go through knowing that their friends baby is their half brother." It is my belief that you are dealing with strong emotions such as shock and grief. Your kids will not share this with you unless you lead them to this belief. Kids have much more resilience than adults. I think that communication is the key. My guess is that you and your husband were not communicating well; he got into another relationship. I like the way you are handling this, by moving and separating from the location of the affair. Your husband filed for divorce so you will need a lawyer; do you have one? You need good advice from a pastor, or family counselor, and a competent attorney.

jabjar02 · Jan 10, 2008, 10:31 AM

The best advice I can give you, is to get a very good divorce attorney. He cheated once, and did it with you friend and neighbor, I think he will do it again and again. Not on that, but he has to see her to deal with the child. He did not think about the kids he has with you, so the best thing you can do for your children, would be to move on and help them to heal. You need to be healthy in order to be a good mother.

kraz · Jan 10, 2008, 09:52 PM

Every one has offered really good advice.

I couldn't begin to know your pain, but you need to stay strong for you and your two children.

Don't let your husband treat you with such little respect, by stringing you along, you are a better person than he is, you kept your vow, he did not.

Can you learn to forgive him, you said you still love him, is there anyway that your marriage is salvagable; you said they changed the baby's name the ours, are they now living together. If you don't believe he will stay faithful to you and make your marriage work, I also suggest you find the best attorney you can afford.

oneguyinohio · Jan 10, 2008, 10:08 PM

Ever consider polygamy? You still love this guy despite his actions? Or you love what you hoped and thought he was?

Honestly you were betrayed. As far as the kids, they should know their sibling. Let them learn that things get complicated when someone messes around, but that is no reflection on the half-brother... In for better or worse, it doesn't mean when things go my way, but the rest of that... foresaking all others... is where the problem lies... if you are both willing to make amends, go for it, but it takes two...

You'll have to get to the bottom of the cause... figure out if you can get past the issues... and trust again... if he even wants to go that route...