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JohnnyP409 · Aug 1, 2007, 12:56 PM

Entire story merged

Hello, I am new to this, but really need advice. I dated a girl for 9 months (distance, 4 hour drive), we were desperately in love, sex was the best ever for both of us, the only problem was I am the smothering type and was always available. She then said she needed space. I gave it to her. Within two weeks she was visiting me more than ever and everything was great again for another 3 months. Then 6 weeks ago she moved to a new city (5 hours away). We were going to see how things worked out, but when I visited she had already made up her mind it seemed, even though we cuddled and we kissed, things did not progress (I reverted back to my smothering ways when she moved, always asking about other guys which caused a lot of fights leading up to the visit and after). Despite the fights she still called 3-4 times a day. Recently she started seeing and hooking up with another guy. We both said mean things to each other. Then I decided to tell her I don't want her anymore and don't want to talk to her for a long time until we can become good friends without feelings (she really wants to be friends). I've also let it be known that I'm hanging out with another girl (she does not know it is just as friends right now). Days have gone by now, and she contacts me in various ways (AIM, Text, call). I have been ignoring them. The truth is I want her back because I love her company and her sexuality, should I continue to ignore her contacts? If I really want her back how do I go about doing this? Is this guy really a threat? She has always told me I was not her type but our relationship lasted twice as long as any other one she's had and she is the type that always needs a guys attention. What do you think? Thanks

JohnnyP409 · Aug 1, 2007, 01:01 PM

I guess what I am really asking is, ignoring her the best way to get her back. I'm thinking of ignoring her attempts to contact and just let her miss my company. After a couple week I may call or write telling her all about my successes and life in general, and throw in a bit about some dates I went on but not really finding anyone special. The only problem I have is this new guy. If she has a new guy and we fought a lot before they met why is she still contacting me?

Canada_Sweety · Aug 1, 2007, 01:03 PM

It sounds like she is starting to move on. If she's seeing other guys then of course the other guy is a potential threat.
If you want then you can keep in contact but try being more friend-like with it then boyfriend-like. If you really want to get her back, then show up at her house with a bouquet and take her out on the town.
My take on it, try seeing other women.

JohnnyP409 · Aug 1, 2007, 01:06 PM

And... when we fought a few days ago she let it slip that she still cares for me a lot and enjoyed being with me sexually more than with him... I just don't know what to do.

SAB123 · Aug 1, 2007, 01:07 PM

What does the messages say. Woman want what they can't have, you probably triggered her off when you told her about new girl. But do you really want to stay in a long distance relationship. I know I wouldn't. I would tell her not to call you no more at least not for a while. Take the time to figure what you want. You broke up with her but now you want her back. You sound confused. But you need to make up your mind of what you want.

Canada_Sweety · Aug 1, 2007, 01:07 PM

Well, what is it that you want to do?

JohnnyP409 · Aug 1, 2007, 01:09 PM

I would only be long distance for another year before I move there (well at least that was the plan). She ended it, I did not. I just ended us talking when I found out about her seeing the new guy. Something that she said if I wanted her back I should have done earlier instead of smothering.

JohnnyP409 · Aug 1, 2007, 01:10 PM

I want her back of course. Haha. How do I do it? I know I'm better for her than this guy. She is the type that falls fast. She didn't for him, and she told me she still isn't totally into him.

JohnnyP409 · Aug 1, 2007, 01:10 PM

I want her back of course. Haha. How do I do it? I know I'm better for her than this guy. She is the type that falls fast. She didn't for him, and she told me she still isn't totally into him.

Canada_Sweety · Aug 1, 2007, 01:12 PM

Then meet with her. Go on the 5 hour drive and take her out and talk about the matter of "us". (<-us meaning you two:p)
After all, there isn't much else you can do.

Canada_Sweety · Aug 1, 2007, 01:13 PM

Oh! And if you do this, then try not to be smothering.

JohnnyP409 · Aug 1, 2007, 01:13 PM

Thanks Canada. I'm just not sure if she would be excited to see me. She has told me already that me trying to get her back all the time is annoying. My best chance is to not try so hard, or so says she. She's told me I'm the love of her life, I feel like she is just trying to change my jealous ways. Can that be?

JohnnyP409 · Aug 1, 2007, 01:15 PM

I'm attempting to change into a non jealous, non smothering type that has a life other than her. Hope it works. But I just wanted to hear if you all thought I should ignore her contacts. She wanted space herself too. So why is she calling and such?

Canada_Sweety · Aug 1, 2007, 01:20 PM

It's possible that she's just trying to make you jealous.
And as for the her constantly calling you thing, she might sub-consciously miss the smothering. Scratch the showing up idea.... try just not calling her as often as you used to but be subtle.:)

emopunk7 · Aug 1, 2007, 01:41 PM

She is having sex with another and you want her back? Think about the guy pulling her hair and on her and you still would be able to be with her again after she left and have sex with her? CRAZY!

JohnnyP409 · Aug 1, 2007, 01:47 PM

You must have never been completely in love. Plus, she's had sex with others before me. That does not bother me so why should this? She is not having sex with this guy either though, just hooked up in other ways a couple times.

emopunk7 · Aug 1, 2007, 01:57 PM

That's just as far as you know. She could be doing it right now. I've been completely in love... Believe me I have... And I hear you, because even after a month that I saw my ex with a guy I still thought I would be able to take her back... But even if you get her back, thoughts of them being on her will haunt you. It won't work now. Before you, the sex was okay because she didn't know you and well she couldn't help it. Now she knows you and decided to be with another... How can you forgive that? She doesn't love you like you love her... Dont you think you deserve better? I sure do. Leave her alone and let her get what she wanted... I would never be able to hurt another person by telling them Im with another...

JohnnyP409 · Aug 1, 2007, 02:57 PM

Ok, to make things concrete for all of you, I want her back in my life sometime in the future. I feel like we are perfect for each other but its just the distance thing that sucks. I plan on moving to the area she is in by next year. What should I do now to make sure I haven't messed it up for then? Ignore her attempts to contact me even though she is disregarding my wish for space, stop asking for space and become her friend, or only talk to her when she wants to talk and act like I don't miss her? Any other suggestions...

clarityseeker · Aug 1, 2007, 03:30 PM

Originally Posted by JohnnyP409

You must have never been completely in love. Plus, she's had sex with others before me. That does not bother me so why should this?

If you've been jealous and smothering with her, well, by definition it must be because you're worried about her hooking up with other guys. So unless you suddenly became non-jealous out of the blue, which I highly doubt, this must bother you. And if it doesn't, you must be in some sort of shock or denial. Which is understandable. I would be, too.

So I think that Emo actually has a really good point that this would come back to haunt you if you were to get back together based on your description of your personality with her.

But do you really want to get back together with someone who tosses you aside and hooks up with someone else as a response to relationship pressures? You've got some jealousy issues, so do I, so do a lot of people here. If you were the love of her life as she says you are, she would have worked through this with you rather than exploiting the emotional control she obviously has over you to keep you on the backburner as her new Plan B.

Originally Posted by JohnnyP409

She is not having sex with this guy either though, just hooked up in other ways a couple times.

She may be telling the truth, or she may be lying to you. You wouldn't be the first person on this board to find out that the person that you were absolutely certain could never lie to you was in fact lying to you. She may not want to hurt you, and lying may seem to her to be a harmless way to accomplish that.

I would totally disappear and don't look back on this one. Cut the strings that she has on your emotions by disengaging completely from her. It's not easy, as I learned from experience, but it's the only way to clear your head and escape her sphere of emotional influence. Then you can decide what's best for you at that point. I so know that's not the advice you want to hear. I didn't want to hear it either when I came here with my own problem in May. But, with patience, it works to get you out of the hole of despair and confusion. And, as you've probably already read from the experts on this board, get busy improving yourself while you're on your emotional vacation. It helped me a lot when I was down and out.

JohnnyP409 · Aug 1, 2007, 04:26 PM

Thanks Clarityseeker. I appreciate your straight forward answer.

I was only jealous and smothering after we were out of our 8 month relationship and the space, at that point we were seeing a lot of each other and enjoying each other but were not official

I've gone from talking to her 3-4 times a day to a blow up argument (I told her irrationally that I slept with someone myself at the time and she got upset, but I then took it back) to her texting and calling the middle of the night (after hooking up with the guy the first time) and then calling me in the morning on the way to work. I then told her to stop talking to me and give me space because I don't want her back and cannot be friends with her (which again, is not necessarily true). I feel like I'm playing the "game" the best I can. But she has texted and IM'd me both days since and I just want to yell out "I MISS YOU, I'LL CHANGE AND WON'T BE SO MUCH OF A SMOTHERING PANZY!" The most I give her is a one word response. In fact she just got a new night job and texted me wanting to talk about it... is it possible she still wants me? I mean, for sure she should be going to the new guy...

And I do understand everyone saying I shouldn't want her back, but she is only 22 and right out of college in a big city and is a very confused, anxious and has been depressed and loves the company of guys. I can see past her being with someone else, I can see past her being with 5 guys in the next year! I also feel like the threat of losing her has made me get over my jealous ways, I just would like an opportunity to prove it to her.

Tell me what you think of this please...
I will cut her out. Maybe an email from time to time when I am happy with myself. I will improve myself for my next love interest, and when the time comes that I move, if it is near her I will call her up to get together for coffee and see if there are any sparks left... Is that possible to do wihtout being completely destroyed for the next year?