[Under_a_rock]

I hate myself.
I have no self-esteem.
I despise my husband for looking at other women/porn.
I am fighting severe depression and regular suicidal thoughts.
I can't make myself comfortable with my husband.
I don't want him to touch me.
I can't compete with other women for my husbands attention.
I don't want my marriage to end, but I can't think of a way to get past my feelings.
I don't know what to do anymore. I want to give up.

[George_1950]

Have you obtained counseling? Have you spoken with an attorney? Do you have income or are you dependent on your husband? Can he afford two homes? Do you have any children? Do you have a close friend or friends? Thanks for writing.

[Under_a_rock]

No counseling
No attorney
Small income
We can't afford the home we have
No friends
1 7 month old daughter

[Tuscany]

Go to your obgyn you could be suffering from post parttum

[Under_a_rock]

I have felt like this for 5 years now.
It is a constant battle to keep my sanity.

[George_1950]

The suggestion to contact your obgyn is a good one; are you near this doctor or some other doctor that you can get in to see, quickly?

[Synnen]

You need to talk to your doctor about this.

You are very probably suffering from depression, and there are medications that can help you to deal with it.

On top of medications, you will probably NEED to see a counselor.

Depression is an ILLNESS. It is treatable. Unfortunately, when we are in its grip, it's hard to focus on reality--it's hard to take ANY step, because every single thing we could do seems like it's pointless and hopeless anyway.

It's NOT hopeless!

If you truly want to save your marriage, you need to help yourself right now. Please go to a doctor and talk to him/her about your feelings. It takes time (this isn't going to be a quick fix) but you CAN overcome this.

Best of luck to you. You're not alone.

[Under_a_rock]

I don't have a regular doctor.
I rarely leave the house.
I just don't want to get back to the way I used to be.
I am scared that I will do something stupid if I don't figure out a way to change the way I feel.
I feel like I am just sitting back waiting for my world to crumble down around me.
I try to keep my child and my parents in mind.
If I did something to myself they would be the ones to pay for it.

[Under_a_rock]

Doctors cost money, and with them comes shame.
I have enough shame.

[George_1950]

I want to thank you again for writing because you do care about yourself, your marriage, and your family. This is good. Help is available; is there something you would like me or another of us to do?

[Under_a_rock]

I wish I could just walk away from everything, from my life in general without feeling guilty.
If I thought I could get away with running I would.
I am at the end of my chain.

[Tuscany]

Doctors cost money, and with them comes shame.
I have enough shame.

There is no shame in asking for help. In fact posting here shows that you have strength and that you care. Take that strength and call the dr.

[Under_a_rock]

There have been times when we have gone to bed and I offered him a sexual favor just for him to turn me down. He waits until I am asleep and gets on the computer to look at porn. I feel like this is the ultimate rejection. He seems to completely disregard my feelings. I have never told him no or turned him down for anything like that. I used to be the only one to initiate anything, but now I don't even try. I can't take the rejection. Is there any way I can improve our love life? What do I have to do to get his attention?

[George_1950]

You sound better and I want to encourage you in every way to seek the assistance you may need.

[Synnen]

You have to help YOURSELF!

You NEED a doctor! Seriously--you have all the classic signs of depression, and if you don't get to a doctor, you will probably continue to get worse.

You aren't the person he fell in love with anymore--but you can be a better version of that if you reach out to get help.

I was THERE. I honestly was sitting in your shoes, 3 years ago. I wanted to run away from my life, to try to start over somewhere else, where no one expected me to do or be anything but what I was. I wanted to crawl into a dark place somewhere, curl up in a ball, and just give up on everything.

It's NOT YOU! It's an illness, and you need to get medical help to deal with it. Please--see a doctor. Even if you don't have a regular doctor, keep going to doctors until you get one that will help you.

You aren't alone, you're not crazy--you just need some help to get things back to where you can feel normal again.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your child. Isn't a little doctor's visit worth seeing your child's life, and being a happy part of it?

[donf]

Dear under a rock.

I've read through your postings and I don't have any great insights to heap on you.

Frankly, your use of the phrase, "... or do something stupid." bothers me. What exactly do you mean by doing something stupid? Is that the step you take after your thought of suicide? If that's what you are thinking, than you should plant this into your brain. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem! Suicide is not an option for you, ever! All I am saying is that males will always look at fgemales. Its like food or football, it what we exist for.

If you would like to correspond privately you can send me private messages however, I would suggest that we keep corresponding through this forum since there are others that may be able to help far better than me.

Back between 1984 through early 1991 my wife Bonnie went through a very similar dark period. We were living in South Florida along the East Coast. She never wanted to leave our apartment (Agoraphobic). She would sit in one chair, watch TV and brood.

When she absolutely needed to go out for example to pick up groceries and the like, she would only go if I went with her. She would not stand in the check out line, I would give her the keys to the car and she would wait outside. She thought that my son and I were planning against her. None of it was true, but it did not matter because her mind was telling her something else.

Eventually the miseries eased off and she slowly returned to more of a lively lady. While I can't identify with all of the things you are experiencing, I do see most of what we went through in our own life.

Your husband seems to be an under stated event in your world right now. He needs to step up and support and help you rather then hide behind porno. That will never get him anything but trouble anyway.

How close are you to your husband overall, do you think you could sit and talk with him (not at him) and describe the experiences you are in the middle of? Could you then ask him for his help in drawing you out of doldrums?

If he agrees to help, let him know how he can do this, don't expect guys to know how to help. Often we don't even realize there is a problem.

As to his eying other woman, don't waste your time trying to stop him. It just won't happen. You can help your case by asking him what he sees in the other lady that he'd like to see in you, but he will probably choose not to answer that one.

A true story, IBM had us to Norfolk Virginia back in 1972. We were living in Virginia Beach and the apartment complex had a pool. Well one particularly sunny afternoon Bonnie and I were sunning ourselves and this gorgeously r=tanned girl in a two piece bikini strolls in front to us.

My pulse is pounding, my eyes are locked on this young lady, my head is inspecting everything I could get my eyes on. Bonnie taps me on the shoulder and asks, "What are you looking at?" I said her. She asked why, I said look at her. Bonnie said, you're a dead man if you keep that up!

[Mrs TY]

Try going to the local library or Blockbuster and rent the movie "The Secret" and watch it (only 90 minutes long), then you might have a new idea of what to do.

[Under_a_rock]

My relationship with my husband is almost robotic.

He leaves in the morning, I stay home. He comes home, we eat dinner, I go to the back to work while he watches the baby. 9pm I shower, we watch the news - go to bed.

I have told him in detail how I feel.
He looks at me like I'm stupid.
I pour my heart out to him, he says he is sick of having the same conversation when there is nothing he can do about it.
He refuses to open up to me.

I am not selfish enough to commit suicide, I have considered it, but my child deserves better.

I take my frustration out with violence, though I have never struck my husband, I have threatened.

I break things. I cry. I drink sometimes. I smoke pot anytime I can be alone. I have several unhealthy ways of coping and I realize that.

The person I used to be was hateful, selfish, rarely sober and mean. I don't want to go there again.

My husband knows everything, I don't hide things from him. He hides things from me. Every few months or so I find out about some devastating new dirty secret, and I always forgive him. I have begged him to be honest with me, regardless of how bad it is.

I would rather he beat me regularly than screw with my head and lie to me.
I can handle physical pain better than emotional

[donf]

Dear Under,

May I suggest that we start by compartmentalizing your mental and physical plagues.

First and I often send this out, here's a hug from me to you. Enjoy the tender moment.

Working from Old you to the Current you and with the understanding that you don't want to regress, may I ask you what your childhood was like, you know family, friends, boyfriends? Were you an upbeat child and teen?

As you matured and entered into the alcoholic and mean person you were, how did you become the person you are now? Something stopped you from taking more drinks and since you are no longer mean, nasty and selfish any longer you have obviously chosen other categories to move into.

I praise you for coming to grips with the alcohol. My dad was a wet drunk and I threw him down the steps when I was 14 just to stop him from hitting my mother again. I believe I also invited him to never return and he did not.

Have you thought about the alcohol withdrawal still dragging you down and calling you back to the drink? I ask this because, everything you are describing would drive somebody into a bottle. Stay your ground and do not go backwards.

As to hubby "Gas Lighting you, " from the great movie "Gaslight". Don't accept it. Make him prove to that he is telling the truth about something. The truth is straight forward and not always pleasant, however, a lie, slams with full force in to the trust between each of you. It will leave you spinning in a vacuum trying to determine if he thinks you are that stupid to believe the lie or if the truth, then why is it so hard to believe. Personally if you are having trouble understanding what he is trying to slide by you, then trust your senses and hang on to the issue until you are sure its cleared up.

Also, when you are coming after him and he puts that e headed monster look in his and stares at you like you are bananas remind him that his lying to you in the past is part of how you got to where you are now.

Good luck with your universe. But to tell you honestly, I do not think that you are as powerless and dependent on him as you think you are. You were strong enough to stop the drinking. Once you took the alcohol mask off, then you are looking at the reality of your world. Hang on, find ways to help yourself. For example, take yourself by the had an call the Suicide Prevention line and tell them why and that finances are horrible. They are equipped to help you. Consider entering into a Spousal Abuse Shelter, with the child. They also can help you.

You are in a flat out war to save yourself and to become who you want to be. Please don't let words like shame, guilt, I'm not worthy or don't waste your time on me. You have an inherent right to a life that gives you happiness, claim it NOW!

[Under_a_rock]

My childhood...
I don't remember much about it. I can picture places. I would be able to navigate through any town I ever lived in, house or school I went to.
I remember a few people.
I never had many friends. I have always been somewhat anti-social, a loner.
I never really got along with other people, I was mean. I would seek out horrible revenge on anyone who wronged me in any way. My mom says I was constantly suspended from school for fighting, or cussing, or playing dirty tricks on my teachers.
I started smoking cigarrettes when I was eight. I smoked pot the first time when I was nine, but didn't start smoking regularly until I was eleven.
My dad would give me beer when I was a baby to help me sleep.( I have pictures)
Most of my memories from my childhood came from pictures, or what people have told me. My father is an alcoholic and he has a horrible temper. He never hit my mom, but he was willing to fight anyone else anytime for any reason, (Still is).
I don't think I had a bad childhood. I can't think of any horrible situation that would have turned me into what I was. When I was six, a friend of the family moved in with us. I was told to call him my Uncle but I knew he wasn't. He never raped me, but he would do other things. (scissors, curling irons, sticks... ) He also showed my cousin who was two weeks younger than me, and instructed him on what he should do. I prayed for the man to die. After about 3 months of living with us, he was decapitated in a car wreck. To this day my parents don't know. My cousin was worse, as we got older he became more and more brave about what he tried. I tried to kill him twice (@ 8 and 12) When we were 16 he killed himself. I was happy. The family dosen't know about him either. Everyone just thought that since we were so close to the same age and that made us fight so much.
Those things taught me not to trust, but I don't think they played a big part in who I became.
As a teen I snuck out and partied nightly. I smoked pot, sold pot and drunk. I never tried any other drugs. I was rarely sober. I smoked more than I drank. I was never sober in school. I met my husband when I was 15, he was 16 we lost our virginity together. He quit high-school and I stayed behind to graduate (just to prove a few people wrong).
We moved in together...
I am really close to my mom. My dad is not the affectionate type. He isn't drinking. He would do anything for us. I have a little brother, 8 years younger, who I despised until I moved out. We visit my family a few times a week. Mom comes over every Friday. We talk every day. I have nothing to do with the rest of my family. They piss me off.
I cleaned up toward the end of 2005, My mom talked me into going to church with her.
I prayed, cried, begged, fasted, and did everything I could think of to get God to help me. Right before the wedding (10/2006) my husband quit going to church, I kept going, but started smoking pot again at home.
Now I'm not going, I feel like I wasted my time. I cleaned up while I was pregnant. I had preclampsia and stayed in pain. The baby was delivered at 29 weeks. As soon as I was discharged I started smoking pot. She stayed in the hospital for 2-1/2 months. I was told that neither one of us should have lived.
There is my life story... I don't know if it will help anyone understand me.

It is nice to be able to get things out without having to see anyone's facial expressions. Thank you all for your advice and opinions.