[Cyrano]

Hi, everyone; I hope someone here can give me some advice on how to deal with low self-esteem and trying to meet girls. I've always been shy, and it's especially hard for me to start a conversation with a stranger, particularly with some girl I like. But it's also hard for me to believe that I am worth talking to, that women think I'm attractive or that they'd want to be with me. Whenever I see someone I'd like to get to know, the only things I can think about are things like "there's no way she'd want to go out with me, I'm not good-looking enough and there are tons of other guys here that she probably wants". I sort of shoot myself down before I even start, I guess, but I can't help it. I just see myself as unlovable, as the kind of guy girls just don't want.

Just lately I've been seeing girls at the gym I'd love to go out with, but it's hard for me to try and approach them. Especially if I see them talking to some other guy--then I instantly lose all my motivation, because it's always some guy who's way better-looking. I'm in shape, I'm athletic, but I'm definitely not the kind of guy who turns heads when he walks into a room. I don't get looked at much so I just don't feel as though I should even bother trying.

I wonder if anyone else feels the same way and knows what to do about it? Has anyone ever gotten over these feelings before?

A little about myself: I'm a guy, single, in my late 20s. I haven't dated much in the past and my relationships have never lasted very long, I have asked why and I get a lot of excuses ("it's not you, it's me" or whatever).

[fuyduk]

Something you have to remember is "I have nothing to lose". You have to approach a girl with confidence. And if you see a girl talking to a guy, its most likely they are just friends. You should just start with friends and then build a better relationship, and then eventually when you build the confidence to ask them out, ask them. Don't try to give them a lot of compliments before you ask them out. It's a way to make them think your not some needy guy who wants a girlfriend. Approach a woman with respect and dignity. If you can ask a girl out with confidence, its most likely they will give you a better response.

[Wondergirl]

I think the solution is to find a good counselor and talk this out. The counselor will help you figure out why you are so down on yourself, give you goals ("homework assignments") to work on that you will report on to the counselor, and maybe roleplay with you on how to approach a woman and what to say, how to act, body language, facial expressions, etc. Not only do you need an unbiased real-life person to talk to about this, but you also need someone to whom you are accountable, someone who wants to hear how you are doing with goals that you set.

P.S. When I was dating, I avoided the good-looking guys, hunks, etc. I found out the ordinary-looking ones were much nicer and less egotistical.

[Rinacakes1991]

I agree with the person who said that you should focus on building friendships before serious relationships. & Now that you in you're 20's women your age are so much more mature and do not focus so much on physical but more so on inner,there are sume shallow 20 year old ,but only the ones who don't matter. So examine yourself make sure you are the best person you can be . And do NOT think so badly about yourself god loves us all equally and no matter how cute some girl is, we are all just human beings.

[Ash123]

Well...

Self-esteem is a funny thing. It's about the guts to be honest as much as anything.

You are stifled about saying things like:

I think you are attractive: true
I want to go out with you: true
I am intimidated by your looks: true

Many women would have no problem with those statements, but they are so honest we feel vulnerable to say them... funny huh? We'd rather lie.

There was a girl who kicked my A-- mentally. I thought I was pretty good with the ladies and then she came along... Broke up with me again and again when she got depressed.
We are ALL going to get hurt. It is 100% innevitable. I am still breathing...

You have to think of it like a sport. You win/you lose/ you enjoy playing... and one day the game will not end.

So, go out there. And just talk. That is stage #1... Just talk. Looks are a small part of the equation. It's more about presence and charisma. So, find a place or a forum where you are comfortable and/or a bit of an authority...

have any hobbies?

[mafiaangel180]

Whenever I see someone I'd like to get to know, the only things I can think about are things like "there's no way she'd want to go out with me, I'm not good-looking enough and there are tons of other guys here that she probably wants". I sort of shoot myself down before I even start, I guess, but I can't help it. I just see myself as unlovable, as the kind of guy girls just don't want.

Just lately I've been seeing girls at the gym I'd love to go out with, but it's hard for me to try and approach them. Especially if I see them talking to some other guy--then I instantly lose all my motivation, because it's always some guy who's way better-looking.

You keep mentioning when you see these girls talk to good-looking guys you lose your motivation. I have a question for you to think about. Is your low self-esteem going to be a problem when you do enter into a relationship? I would suggest keep working on yourself, trying googling tips about self-love and self-esteem boosting. This way, when you get a nice girl, you won't be bringing any issues to the table that could make you wind up back here trying to win her back. Best of luck!

[Cyrano]

Thanks for your replies, I appreciate it.

I guess it is better that I not focus so much on making a relationship and more on just having fun, but when I'm as desperate as I am (yes, I'll admit I'm getting desperate), I can't help but make it a big deal in my head. But I'll definitely take this to heart the next time I see someone I want to meet.

And I am planning on seeing a therapist, there are other things going on that clearly hold me back in other areas of my life.

@Ash123: I don't, really, other than going to the gym. I spend a lot of time working and it keeps me busy most of the week. I've thought about taking classes at a community college but my job is pretty demanding and sometimes even my weekends aren't free.

@mafiaangel: well, that's a good question but the last few relationships I had, I was never really worried about losing my girlfriends to other guys... and as far as I know they didn't end because another guy was in the picture. But yeah, my self-esteem is probably going to hurt me in relationships so I'd better work on that...

[talaniman]

Love yourself by doing what makes you happy, and set reasonable goals to accomplish in your life, and share that with good people, and you will attract others who want to share in your fun and happiness. By loving yourself, and not being afraid to try new things, YOU will be comfortable anywhere you go, and whom ever your with.

COURAGE-Doing things that your afraid to do.