[loveispain]

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years now, and we have 2 beautiful kids together. I love him more than words could ever explain but lately things have been taking a toll for the worst and I'm so confused, hurt, and fustrated. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing my mind! I can not talk to him about anything. He just refuses to talk about or be truthful about anything wrong that's been going on in our relationship. I'm holding on for dear life but there's just no way that I can began to forgive him or understand all the things he's done to me without any answers or an explanation of why. Not too long ago, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. He told me he cheated on me because I won't shut my mouth. He says that I don't know how to keep my mouth closed, that "When he says something to me, to listen and not to say anything back to him". Honestly, do you think that's right? I need answers so bad. Its so painful to have to go through the things that I've been through within the last couple of years. I admit that I do talk back to him when I feel like there's something on my mind or something bothering me, but isn't that how its supposed to be? If he's doing something or has done something to hurt me, I should be able to address it and talk it out without a problem or an argument. What am I doing wrong? When ever I do something wrong he makes sure he addresses it right away, weither its as little as forgetting to turn a light off when I leave the house. He will literally cut my throat about it, so sometimes I try his aproach on him to see how he would react and he blows up on me. The other day I stepped out of the house and forgot to turn the basement light off, and honestly, I have forgotten to turn the light off on more then one occasion, and he yells at me for a good 15 to 20 minutes, so the other day he forgot to turn the same light off and I said to him, "You always yell at me so bad for forgetting to turn the light off down stairs but when you did it, I didn't say anything to you." My point to him was, when I do something small he blow up but when he does it, its like its no problem. I only addressed it to him to show him how stessful it is for me when he's so hard on me about everything, because maybe if he knew how it felt, he wouldn't do it to me anymore... So like I said about not being able to talk to him: If I do the smallest thing, he gets upset and he always makes sure that he lets me know about it, he gets to make his point, and after we have our disccusion, I mentally sit there trying to figure out what I can do to not allow this to happen again or to not upset him in that manner again. (What counts to me is the effort in really trying to change and trying to do the right thing) So, I asked him when we were going to be able to talk about all the things that he's been putting me through lately, and every time I ask him he tells me, "Its not the right time". Then I ask him " When will be the right time?" he tells me "I don't know". So eventually I just bring it up out of the blue because there's obviously not a right time to bring it up and these are thing that really need to be talked about. And what does he do? He blows his lid, yelling, telling me " All I do is start with him" and " We can never just have a good day" and "All I do is nag". Someone please tell me am I wrong? I know I may have went off the deep end a little with the story, and I am trully sorry. This is just how upsetting and painful this has been for me and I'm trying to get it out without breaking down. Its so much more to it then this but for starters, I need to know what it is with our communication problem that I'm doing wrong. I am truthfully trying so hard! If anyone has any type of insight that could possibly help me, please feel free to try! Thank you guys so much for even taking the time out to read my story and trying to give me some type of positive feedback. I really appriciate it so much! Until then, I will continue to try and do the right thing and keep my head as high as I possibly can... :confused:...

[Chery]

Dear loveispain,
Sorry to read that you are in a stressful state. Seven years and two children is a substantial investment and you should get something back besides debasement and ignorance. Has your time together always been this way or has it changed since he cheated on you?

Did he tell you he cheated or did you find out?

Were you always able to talk about things in a calm manner, or was it usually finding fault with each other and expressing such?

There are many ways of communication and sometimes 'talking too much' is a way of expressing dissatisfaction. Which do you rate was better right from the beginning - body language or talking? How is your body language now and why are you still tolerating this treatment?


I know you wrote specifically to get 'positive feedback' but there are a few things lacking here that need clarification. It takes two to communicate and two to get emotional and caring enough to resolve problems. Do you think he would be up to going with you to counselling?


*°°°°*And, another important issue, the children. Do they feel that something is different or is this 'routine' to them? Are they comfortable when at home?


Taking all these under consideration, is it possible that it might help if you seek professional help first and then include him in some sessions if he is willing? There must still be something there, or he would have walked out, so you can't lose by finding out where you stand.

You have a lot on your plate and it needs to be worked on, so take the necessary steps toward achieving the happiness and peace you all deserve.


Good luck, and keep us posted.


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[s_cianci]

The two of you are both very strong-minded people. I think you're both locked in a power/control struggle. I think you're going to need professional counseling to resolve your problems,or, at the very least, let some trusted, disinterested third-party serve as a mediator even if they're not a "professional" counselor.