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concernedmom · Dec 5, 2005, 07:07 PM

I've been divorced since 1994, both of us have remarried, I however have a 4 year old child. I have physical custody of my 14 year old. Both my ex and I get along great always have -- I've been liberal with visitation and rarely asked for additional support financially. I've lost my job and have an opportunity to move to another state. Does my 14 have the right to choose to stay with his father? I am willing to work out an fair visition, I am only moving 3 hrs away via plane. I went through a nasty custody battle 14 years ago and don't want another one. My ex and son have a great relationship and my ex is involved in his life, would this impact my ability to move for a new job? We live in NH

nymphetamine · Dec 5, 2005, 07:47 PM

As far as I know your child at 14 years old does have the right to decide. Some custody papers say you can't leave the state. You might end up with a fight on your hands if your husband decides he doesn't like that idea. Id say talk to your lawyer because he can find out for you.

talaniman · Dec 5, 2005, 08:13 PM

If you and your ex get along great then you should talk about what's best for your son ,maybe staying with Dad more or whatever.It would be great if you two could come to an amicable solution without lawyers and courts after 14 years what a waste if mom and ex can't reach an agreement.Or maybe 14yr old son could help you both by sharing his feelings.Either way it would be really nice if "family could work this out amongst yourselves.The best of luck to all of you! :cool:

fredg · Dec 6, 2005, 05:10 AM

Hi,
You said you have "physical custody" of your 14 yr old son. Do you have LEGAL custody?
If so, you can move anywhere in the world you want to. Families move away every day to new jobs, some just to get away from "hostile" ex's, and if they have legal custody of their children, they are free to move anywhere in the world they want; unless divorce papers state otherwise.
Now, the question is, since your child is 14, what does he want?
My guess is that he will stay with you, move with you, and be happy doing it.
His father can always come see him, spend a weekend with him, etc. This is just one of life's issues, that you are not alone in facing.
Don't let your ex have any say-so in what you decide to do; you have to make a life for yourself.
I do wish you the very best, and good luck.

concernedmom · Dec 6, 2005, 07:05 AM

Thank you; Do you know if the child has a say on where he wants to live at age 14? We have joint legal custody, but I have physical custody.

fredg · Dec 6, 2005, 07:15 AM

Hi,
Well, this certainly changes things. If you have "joint legal custody", your ex has a say in what you do, and has a say about your son.
In most states, a court will listen to a 14 year old's feelings and wishes. But, I would definitely see a lawyer, before you make any moves to another state.
Even though you have "physical custody", I would still see a lawyer, and get some Professional advice, before moving, then finding out that you are being challenged in the state you lived in, by your ex. The "original court of jurisdiction" is still in your present state, where the original divorce and custody hearings were held.
Please talk with a lawyer, and ask what to do. You have to move, to support yourself and your family. Please get a Professional opinion.

s_cianci · Dec 6, 2005, 07:34 PM

At age 14 the judge would give his feelings great weight concerning whether to relocate with you or remain with his father in his present home state, so yes, in all likelihood he does have the right to make that decision for himself. Your best bet where visitation is concerned may be to have him spend his summer vacations when school is out with the non-custodial parent and live with the parent that retains custody during the school year. Technically the onus of paying his airfare would rest on you as the parent who is willingly leaving the state of residence, unless his father would be kind enough to share the cost with you.

s_cianci · Dec 6, 2005, 07:36 PM

Originally Posted by crankiebabie

As far as I know your child at 14 years old does have the right to decide. Some custody papers say you can't leave the state. You might end up with a fight on your hands if your husband decides he doesnt like that idea. Id say talk to your lawyer because he can find out for you.

It's not likely that a custody order would prevent her from leaving the state. However, as I mentioned in my previous post, if she does then she becomes the one responsible for arranging and paying for visitation, etc.

s_cianci · Dec 6, 2005, 07:40 PM

Originally Posted by concernedmom

Thank you; Do you know if the child has a say on where he wants to live at age 14? We have joint legal custody, but I have physical custody.

Well, if you relocate to another state, you won't have joint legal custody any longer if your son decides he wants to stay behind with his dad. The judge will give the father custody, legal and physical, in a heartbeat. The fact that you share legal custody could make things a little more difficult for you, whether your son wants to go with you or not. A lot depends on how flexible the dad is willing to be.

concernedmom · Dec 9, 2005, 11:15 AM

I tried talking with my ex -- seems the result is what I expected he will fight me for custody and will not let me take my son. This means if I do move, for financial reasons only not because I want to, I will be disrupting my son and daugther's life. She is only 4 and will be with us, but won't have the relationship with her brother she deserves to have.

concernedmom · Dec 9, 2005, 04:05 PM

I do not want Stephen to leave New Hampshire. I oppose any move out of state, as it is not in his best interest to go. I am sympathetic to your situation but feel that he has a happy, stable and productive life here and any move would be devastaing to his emotional well being.

I do hope that you can find something locally.
Regards,

talaniman · Dec 9, 2005, 04:23 PM

Have you asked your 14 year old how he feels about moving? :cool:

momincali · Dec 9, 2005, 11:55 PM

Originally Posted by concernedmom

I do not want Stephen to leave New Hampshire. I oppose any move out of state, as it is not in his best interest to go. I am sympathetic to your situation but feel that he has a happy, stable and productive life here and any move would be devastaing to his emotional well being.

I do hope that you can find something locally.
Regards,

The letter does have a certain legal twang to it. I am sympathetic to your dilemna, however do feel this move would not only hurt your son but your 4 year old as well. They are so impressionable at that age and the separation may cause them both irreperable harm. Please do consider other alternatives. Your teenager does not need anymore drastic changes in his life right now.

Sincerely, a mom of 3.

Chery · Dec 10, 2005, 04:41 AM

Originally Posted by concernedmom

I tried talking with my ex -- seems the result is what I expected he will fight me for custody and will not let me take my son. This means if I do move, for financial reasons only not because I want to, I will be disrupting my son and daugther's life. She is only 4 and will be with us, but won't have the relationship with her brother she deserves to have.

Put yourself in your son's shoes for a minute. Would you like it if you were torn away from your school, friends, and most important the father. Boys need their fathers more at this crucial age for guidance. Your little four year old will not be as emotionally stressed as he will be since at her age life is an adventure and there is always school vacation where her brother can come and visit. This would be quality time to share with him. If you pull him from this environment at this stage, he will resent this and there will be more emotional turmoil for the entire family including his little sister as his attitude will change and he will probably seclude himself, therefore no more quality time with his little sister, nor with you for that matter. Please consider what's best for him right now, and ask him what he wants to do. Don't let the financial aspect from the father cloud your sincere judgement as this will not give you the peace or satisfaction you will need to start in a new job. If he does not want to go with you and you force him, you will probably wind up taking time off from your new job too many times to deal with problems at home and that will do nobody good. If he wants to stay with his father, you will only loose him physically for a while, but not emotionally - he will always love you. So, if you love him, let him go, to keep his love and respect for you forever. Wishing you all the best and hope things work out. Keep us posted.

Kids grow up fast, how they grow is up to us parents. Happy Holidays!

kidkwik2005 · Jul 24, 2007, 09:25 PM

Originally Posted by concernedmom

I've been divorced since 1994, both of us have remarried, I however have a 4 year old child. I have physical custody of my 14 year old. Both my ex and I get along great always have -- I've been liberal with visitation and rarely asked for additional support financially. I've lost my job and have an opportunity to move to another state. Does my 14 have the right to choose to stay with his father? I am willing to work out an fair visition, I am only moving 3 hrs away via plane. I went through a nasty custody battle 14 years ago and don't want another one. My ex and son have a great relationship and my ex is involved in his life, would this impact my ability to move for a new job? We live in NH

I say that your child is only 14 not 18 so his vote don't count, however, the three of you should probably sit down and figure out a way to make it work. If you can't then go to you lawyer.