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linds03 · Nov 18, 2007, 01:58 PM

I broke up with my boyfriend almost 2 months ago after 5 years together. Love him very much, miss him terribly, and willing to work on issues with him. My question for the guys: obviously he is hurt that I left him, so when we talk now about a possible future together he keeps saying "I just need to sort things out, I need time to think if I can trust you again" etc. We have been talking about this for almost a month now. How long am I supposed to give him? I don't call him, text etc. because I respect the fact that he needs time, but the hard part is that I can't have any expectations. I can't expect to hear his voice everyday or see him when I come home from school. I don't know how to do this and be patient. I'm going home for Thanksgiving and I'm going to talk with him about this because I hate the not knowing. What would be appropriate to ask him? Should I tell him he's had enough time to think? Is this pushy of me? Please help- I would so appreciate it!

J_9 · Nov 18, 2007, 02:18 PM

Originally Posted by linds03

Should I tell him he's had enough time to think? Is this pushy of me?

Yup, I'd say that's pretty pushy.

Look, you broke up with him. If you wanted to be together you never should have broken up with him. Now, just let him be and do your own thing. If he comes back, consider yourself lucky. If he doesn't, just remember you were the one who broke his heart and he may never feel the same again.

gkhemka · Nov 18, 2007, 02:21 PM

He seems to be dragging you along because he is unsure of what he feels for you since you both have had some time off from each other. If you ask me, you should ask him to make up his mind the next time you meet him without any further delay. He has had anough time to think and shouldn't need anymore. If he does it probably means he's not sure of what he feels for you.

You should be up and honest apologize to him and ask him for his final decision. If he says no it might be difficult for you to take in the short term, but it will prove much better in the long term as it will provide closure and help you to move onto someone else who returns your love. Both of you need to move on together or alone and especially you in case he is not inclined towards getting back with you again.

Jiser · Nov 18, 2007, 03:28 PM

Be honest yes, your also being pushy yes, you broke his heart so its your fault, don't expect anything. Give him space. If nothing happens after a while all you can do is tell him how you truly feel. If he's not interested time to get on with your life and move on.

enigmagnetic · Nov 18, 2007, 03:52 PM

Originally Posted by linds03

I broke up with my boyfriend almost 2 mos ago after 5 years together. Love him very much, miss him terribly, and willing to work on issues with him. My question for the guys: obviously he is hurt that I left him, so when we talk now about a possible future together he keeps saying "I just need to sort things out, I need time to think if I can trust you again" etc. We have been talking about this for almost a month now. how long am I supposed to give him?? I don't call him, text etc. because I respect the fact that he needs time, but the hard part is that I can't have any expectations. I can't expect to hear his voice everyday or see him when I come home from school. I don't know how to do this and be patient. I'm going home for Thanksgiving and I'm going to talk with him about this because I hate the not knowing. What would be appropriate to ask him? Should I tell him he's had enough time to think? Is this pushy of me? Please help- I would so appreciate it!

There are two key things that relate to your situation IMO.

1. He can take all the time HE needs. You cannot change that.
2. If you feel it unfair for you then you are under no obligation to stick around, and should move on.

That is the summary of what I feel is important. You can't force him to be with you, remember. If you want to wait for him because you think he is worth it then give him time. Otherwise tell him you can't and say your goodbyes.

ordinaryguy · Nov 18, 2007, 05:18 PM

The fact that you don't mention why you broke up with him suggests that you don't think your reason for doing it was a very good one. If that's true, you can't blame him for being hesitant to trust your kind offer to take him back. He's probably afraid you'll do the same thing again.

There's no quick or foolproof way to rebuild emotional trust after it has been damaged by hurtful or selfish behavior. If you're in a hurry, move on, let the guy heal and quit picking at the scab. Take it as a costly lesson for use in future relationships.

On the other hand, if you dumped him because he's a passive-aggressive manipulator, trying to get him back gives him a powerful weapon to use against you. If he keeps using it long after you've apologized sincerely and repeatedly, you were probably right to dump him in the first place.

linds03 · Nov 18, 2007, 06:33 PM

I broke up with him because I made the choice to move 4 hours away to go to college. He refused to move with me last year, and now this year he said the same thing... I felt that I wasn't worth moving for or something and after dating this long, I was pretty pissed/hurt/resentful. But then he said "I'll move in the Spring"... I was so hurt by the whole situation that I just made a hasty decision and said no. The confusing part: When I was breaking up with him 2 months ago, he said "I will put my 2 week notice in tomorrow". I said "your too late". So that was it. That's my reasoning that got me here today, sitting at a computer looking for advice to mend my broken heart... I just don't know what to do. We started dating when we were 18, and now we're 23. The only person I have ever dated and loved in my life.

statictable · Nov 18, 2007, 06:55 PM

Originally Posted by linds03

(SHE) > Obviously he is hurt that I left him. (HE) > I need time to think if I can trust you again" etc.

Please tell us what "trust you again means." Many thanks.

linds03 · Nov 18, 2007, 07:22 PM

He says "trust you again because I have broken up with him twice for the same reason. We have never been unfaithful- there's no one I trust more than him. We went through this last year after living together for 14 mos. Went through HELL (much like we are now) and got back together 2 mos later. Then last March I got my acceptance letter to the college that I really wanted to go to and he told me "no"again....which is why I'm here now. What's the deal?? And like I said before, it changed from "no" to "I'll move in the Spring" to "I'll put in my 2 week notice right now". So confusing... but thanks for your advice.

ordinaryguy · Nov 19, 2007, 06:45 AM

He may think "A Real Man doesn't follow a woman around like a puppy". If he is insecure about this for going to school, think about how it will go when your eventual jobs require you to relocate? If you have cherished goals that you are working to reach, don't be dissuaded by his reluctance to follow you where you need to go. Either resign yourself to a long-distance relationship, or let him go. It would be one thing if he had goals of his own that he wanted to work on, but I take it that's not really why he doesn't want to move, is that right?

it changed from "no" to "I'll move in the Spring" to "I'll put in my 2 week notice right now".
...
I said "your too late". So that was it. That's my reasoning that got me here today, sitting at a computer looking for advice to mend my broken heart...

So even though he finally came around, by that time you were too pissed off to accept it? What you're really mad about is that he didn't WANT to move, not that he WOULDN'T. You took it as evidence that he didn't value you enough to sacrifice something to be with you. I don't know. You may be right.

linds03 · Nov 19, 2007, 09:22 AM

Right, he doesn't want to leave. But he can't have his cake and eat it, too. I mean, he works for a construction company. As far as I'm concerned, he could easily find a job here doing that. I just really don't understand him. Is he selfish for not saying yes right away, or am I the selfish one for expecting this of him? I'm really on the fence and I don't know what to think anymore. Emotionally exhausted is how I feel at this point.

whoknowswhattodo · Nov 19, 2007, 09:43 AM

Originally Posted by linds03

I broke up with my boyfriend almost 2 mos ago after 5 years together. Love him very much, miss him terribly, and willing to work on issues with him. My question for the guys: obviously he is hurt that I left him, so when we talk now about a possible future together he keeps saying "I just need to sort things out, I need time to think if I can trust you again" etc. We have been talking about this for almost a month now. how long am I supposed to give him?? I don't call him, text etc. because I respect the fact that he needs time, but the hard part is that I can't have any expectations. I can't expect to hear his voice everyday or see him when I come home from school. I don't know how to do this and be patient. I'm going home for Thanksgiving and I'm going to talk with him about this because I hate the not knowing. What would be appropriate to ask him? Should I tell him he's had enough time to think? Is this pushy of me? Please help- I would so appreciate it!

Go on with your life... do things you always dreamed of doing... get involved with giving to someone who needs you (the elderly, a child, anyone)... work out... do your nails... call old girlfriends... we all want what we think we can't have. If you are absolutely loveable and involved in pursuing your own life (and in my strong opinion, the Lord, too) you will draw all the blessings to you that you can handle. Don't sit & wait... live, live, live.