[needofhelp]

My ex broke up with me over a month ago. I'm doing nc and recently she has asked me how I am doing. I didn't answer, and she asked again, in email.

Why is she asking?

[heat515]

It's funny you should ask this question because I broke up with my ex about three weeks ago and recently called and emailed to see how he was doing and he also didn't respond.

Now, I can't tell you exactly what your ex was thinking but she probably misses you. She also might just want to see if you are handling things OK. When you break up with someone you've been close to for so long, it's hard when they aren't in your life anymore. I can't tell if you she wants to get back together, but I am guessing she still cares.

[needofhelp]

In her email she says that she thinks of me everyday, and still cares, but not that way. Why would she say something like that? It seems obvious and it hurts to hear that. I think she is casually dating or meeting new people, she said she is open to that. It hurts and I don't know what she's thinking.

I didn't respond because I don't know what she's asking. Maybe she wants to hear that I'm misserable, I don't believe that's caring about me.

[sadsilly]

I think it's because she misses you, but that doesn't necessarily mean she wants to be with you again.

I HATED it when my stupid ex said "I still care for you, just as friends only". Every time he said that it was like he was slicing into my heart.

I think it's a good idea to not respond.

[Matteus]

In her email she says that she thinks of me everyday, and still cares, but not that way. Why would she say something like that? It seems obvious and it hurts to hear that. I think she is casually dating or meeting new people, she said she is open to that. It hurts and I dont know what shes thinking.

I didn't respond because I dont know what she's asking. Maybe she wants to hear that im misserable, I dont believe thats caring about me.

Buddy, you just didn't told us nothing! Why was the breakup? What was your position in that relation? Who was the man, who was the woman? COmmon, stop this thing of "Not responding"! Who the hell said the NC is for humans? She is being kind to you, be kind too! Do you want her to hate you ? Do you want her to think you are not worth, and it was better to breakup with you? Yes, you have heard about the NC, less as a way to focus on yourself, and more as a strategy to win her back, right? Look at yourself, discusting thing. Are you worth ? You are doing NC, and being rude to her, because, she wasn't in your tracks anymore. Are you respecting her?? You think it was her fault why her feelings toward you have changed, And you do NC (and think also she was not worth because she left you and maybe you hate her in somehow). Don't tell me NO! Everyone here does it! Her feelings for you are changed. Ask yourself WHY, not her! Have you ever put yourself in her shoes? And stop these games of "tough guy"! When it comes to the feelings there is always a rule: YOU feed her feelings for you, and SHE feeds your feelings for her, but always, we feed other people's feelings, if you feel something about them!!

[enigmagnetic]

Matteus your approach, I think, works on the minority of people, that weren't in love, that visit this site after a breakup. For others staying in contact can be torture. If you don't give yourself time to heal and "get over" someone constantly talking to them always prolongs those emotions. When that person keeps rejecting you it's like a perpetual break up. You, Matteus, may be strong enough to employ your philosophy and/or deal with the rejection, but for most of us, it is unrealistic to think that it be healthy for either person to stay in contact. I think the more important question for needofhelp is "has she put herself in his shoes?". That is more relevant to him and more important to him. You see when she contacts him, I'm pretty sure, that she really isn't putting his emotions on the foreground. I think she is doing it out of a necessity to alleviate some internal struggle that she is facing, be it guilt or loneliness. Now she may care for him, but I doubt that is the most prominent reason. I'm sorry needofhelp, but you are faced with a decision. I've experienced exactly where you are at. If you can handle being in a "platonic" relationship with her then do it. That means you must be ready to deal with the intangibles of being only a buddy. She may date another guy and come to you with questions about him. She might do it within a week. Are you ready to take that role? Are you ready to hear how she had a crazy night at the pub, or about how she is planning on going on a trip to some far away land without you? Are you ready to hear about how well she is doing without you? These are things you may, and most likely, will face. Think about it. I'll tell you what, I consider myself very strong willed, but when my ex came to me and started talking about the friendship thing and sent me a pic of her and a new guy, I about wanted to curse her out. I had to get away from my phone or any computer for a couple of days. It was difficult to say the least. It's about assessing your abilities.

[Matteus]

Matteus your approach, I think, works on the minority of people, that weren't in love, that visit this site after a breakup. For others staying in contact can be torture. If you don't give yourself time to heal and "get over" someone constantly talking to them always prolongs those emotions.

I don't think its about the minority of people, as we all have been in love, mostly I, when my ex wanted out. It was hurt, pain, whatever. But I didn't took it personally. Instead, the breakup made me realise that I have some things to deal about myself, and this is my priority now. That's why I feel completely different. You may think I don't even remind the name of my ex, but I tell you, she is the only one who was worth to me, and still is. The only thing that keeps my feelings under control is this: She is not my priority now. Myself is my priority. And so should have been since the beginning. I think about this: What I'm going to win if I keep showing her that I want her back? What I'm going to win if I show her that she is the only one in my mind? What I'm going to win if I chase her ? Nothing, nada, nichts.

When that person keeps rejecting you it's like a perpetual break up.

Why should the ex keep rejecting you? Because you still chase her, you still hope (that hope is not going to bring her back), and you show it to her. In that case, you are the one who lets her reject you. What you have to do is, forget the past, live the moment, and enjoy a little piece of peace between you two.

You, Matteus, may be strong enough to employ your philosophy and/or deal with the rejection, but for most of us, it is unrealistic to think that it be healthy for either person to stay in contact.

Who said that I'm feeling the rejection? I'm saying, I'm strong enough to not let my mind be occupied and focused on her, but instead, I show her that I'm happy. That way I create an aura around myself, and I make her feel at ease. I don't do it for her, I do it for myself. My power is that I can regenerate too soon after a breakup. Oh, I was in love so damn hard, I can guarantee it, but I told myself I can't do nothing about that. But I'm can deal with my feelings toward her and keep them in control.

I think the more important question for needofhelp is "has she put herself in his shoes?". That is more relevant to him and more important to him. You see when she contacts him, I'm pretty sure, that she really isn't putting his emotions on the foreground. I think she is doing it out of a necessity to alleviate some internal struggle that she is facing, be it guilt or loneliness. Now she may care for him, but I doubt that is the most prominent reason.

If he can't deal with it, it is his problem, not hers. He can tell her to stop that contact, or he can be a part of the game. But I say he should not misunderstand any of her signs and don't take them tooo seriosly, because in that moment, she may reject him. If someone wants back, they go out of their way. And if you don't get those signs, she is going to make those signs more clear.

I'm sorry needofhelp, but you are faced with a decision. I've experienced exactly where you are at. If you can handle being in a "platonic" relationship with her then do it. That means you must be ready to deal with the intangibles of being only a buddy. She may date another guy and come to you with questions about him. She might do it within a week. Are you ready to take that role? Are you ready to hear how she had a crazy night at the pub, or about how she is planning on going on a trip to some far away land without you? Are you ready to hear about how well she is doing without you? These are things you may, and most likely, will face. Think about it. I'll tell you what, I consider myself very strong willed, but when my ex came to me and started talking about the friendship thing and sent me a pic of her and a new guy, I about wanted to curse her out. I had to get away from my phone or any computer for a couple of days. It was difficult to say the least. It's about assessing your abilities.

He can be in the control of this "kind of friendship". In the moment she tells him she is going to the pub, or she is having some contact with another guy, etc, he may tell her to stop it! He should remind her that that is not a friendship, is just being friendly! That way, he will not be rejected, but will also reject her and her "will" to tell things about her private life!

[needofhelp]

Buddy, you just didnt told us nothing! Why was the breakup? what was your position in that relation? Who was the man, who was the woman? COmmon, stop this thing of "Not responding"!

It was a 2 years together and she broke up with me, citing wanting independence and us having different personalities. It was a "break" which of course was a nice way of saying break up. I soon find that she's "seeing" new people less than a month apart. I was a fool to believe her reasons, and it's been hard.
I am not trying to win her back, if I was, I would be proactive in doing so. It is easy to judge my position.

You are doing NC, and being rude to her, because, she wasnt in your tracks anymore. Are you respecting her??? You think it was her fault why her feelings toward you have changed, And you do NC (and think also she was not worth because she left you and maybe you hate her in somehow). Dont tell me NO! Everyone here does it! Her feelings for you are changed. Ask yourself WHY, not her! Have you ever put yourself in her shoes? And stop these games of "tough guy"! When it comes to the feelings there is always a rule: YOU feed her feelings for you, and SHE feeds your feelings for her, but always, we feed other people's feelings, if you feel something about them!!!

She should put herself in my shoes, and understand how her actions make me feel. She broke up with me, so let me heal. Don't come back and think she can make it better or whatever games she is trying to play. I don't believe I'm playing tough guy. I know that people's feelings feed off each other, and Im still feeding off her actions.

It sounds like you are tough individual and have moved on. I'm glad that you are able see things as clearly as you do.

[needofhelp]

I think the more important question for needofhelp is "has she put herself in his shoes?". That is more relevant to him and more important to him. You see when she contacts him, I'm pretty sure, that she really isn't putting his emotions on the foreground. I think she is doing it out of a necessity to alleviate some internal struggle that she is facing, be it guilt or loneliness. Now she may care for him, but I doubt that is the most prominent reason.

That's what I am wondering. Why is her motive to know how I am doing? Is it to make herself feel better, if she heard I was not so good? I guess at this point her feelings should not matter because she is not stating she wants to get back together. Not that I want her back.

I'm sorry needofhelp, but you are faced with a decision. I've experienced exactly where you are at. If you can handle being in a "platonic" relationship with her then do it. That means you must be ready to deal with the intangibles of being only a buddy. She may date another guy and come to you with questions about him. She might do it within a week. Are you ready to take that role? Are you ready to hear how she had a crazy night at the pub, or about how she is planning on going on a trip to some far away land without you? Are you ready to hear about how well she is doing without you? These are things you may, and most likely, will face. Think about it. I'll tell you what, I consider myself very strong willed, but when my ex came to me and started talking about the friendship thing and sent me a pic of her and a new guy, I about wanted to curse her out. I had to get away from my phone or any computer for a couple of days. It was difficult to say the least. It's about assessing your abilities.

I can't go from being the starter to the water boy.

[kiki_doki]

Its difficult to answer why she's contacting you. She could be doing it as a way of easing her conscience, as you said you did not believe her reasons for the break up so maybe her real reasons for the break up are making her feel guilty.Or maybe (yes a lot of maybe's I know, sorry more coming) she's trying to gauge whether you still have feelings for her.She could just genuinely care about your well being, Or (simply) she's just being a! I think you are the best judge of which it is. Games are crap though and if you are the one hurting (and she's off out with other guys) then I wouldn't do this nc thing its not cool. When someone upsets or hurts me and I don't say anything it starts to consume me... the best thing is to rid yourself of this uncertainty and answer the email, telling her 'how your doing'. If you really don't want her back then you can still express yourself but make it clear you don't want to be with her... you are allowed to be upset, you spent 2 years of your life with her.

[Matteus]

It sounds like you are tough individual and have moved on. I'm glad that you are able see things as clearly as you do.

What do you mean with moving on? I told you, I don't forget about my ex, yes, I like to have her again in my life, and there in the back of my mind, and in my heart, I still want her back, but she is not my priority right now. I have issues, and I'm working on them. But I talk to my ex now and than. She sents me mails, and I respond to them. I write her mails, and she responds to them. She even sent me pictures, and camera, but I didn't reacted in an emotionally way. She can do whatever she wants to do, and I can do whatever I want to do. When I feel like writing to her, I do it. And I let her door open too, so she can come, write, sent me whatever she wants, etc. Now its like I'm seeing her and my previous behaviour from another viewpoint right now. But I'm not acting cold toward her. And I'm not trying to missunderstand any sign of her. If she will want back, its because she sees someone else in you now, and not the same "old" you. And she will say she wants back, if she feels like that.

[needofhelp]

Its difficult to answer why she's contacting you. She could be doing it as a way of easing her conscience, as you said you did not believe her reasons for the break up so maybe her real reasons for the break up are making her feel guilty.Or maybe (yes a lot of maybe's i know, sorry more coming) she's trying to gauge whether or not you still have feelings for her.She could just genuinely care about your well being, Or (simply) she's just being a !! I think you are the best judge of which it is. Games are crap though and if you are the one hurting (and she's off out with other guys) then I wouldnt do this nc thing its not cool. When someone upsets or hurts me and I dont say anything it starts to consume me.....the best thing is to rid yourself of this uncertainty and answer the email, telling her 'how your doing'. If you really dont want her back then you can still express yourself but make it clear you dont want to be with her............you are allowed to be upset, you spent 2 years of your life with her.

It's hard for me to know what her intentions are since her actions have really surprised me and she isn't the person I thought I knew. She says she thinks of me, but not in that way. I could try to analyze it or figure out if she's trying to say something else, but it will only drive me crazy.

I've seen her with someone else, so it hurts, and I can't do anything. Part of me would want her back, but it's the person I used to know that I want back, not who she is now. It's been a crazy ride, and I don't know why she says the things she does.

[needofhelp]

what do you mean with moving on? i told you, i dont forget about my ex, yes, i like to have her again in my life, and there in the back of my mind, and in my heart, i still want her back, but she is not my priority right now. I have issues, and im working on them. But i talk to my ex now and than. She sents me mails, and i respond to them. I write her mails, and she responds to them. She even sent me pictures, and camera, but i didnt reacted in an emotionally way. She can do whatever she wants to do, and i can do whatever i want to do. When i feel like writing to her, i do it. And i let her door open too, so she can come, write, sent me whatever she wants, etc. Now its like im seeing her and my previous behaviour from another viewpoint right now. But im not acting cold toward her. And im not trying to missunderstand any sign of her. If she will want back, its because she sees someone else in you now, and not the same "old" you. And she will say she wants back, if she feels like that.

I can see your point. It was unclear before. I can leave door open and be friends, and she may like me for me. I can not do that, pretend everything is OK and be her friend. Why would she need my friendship when she is establishing new 'freindships' already. My wound is too fresh to put myself through such a friendship with her. I have given it some thought about being friends, but my intentions are wrong. I would have some hope that being friends would let her see that I am the one she wants to be with, but that is only setting myself up for more pain. If she doesn't feel that way and is with someone else.

[mckenzie134]

Matteus has the wrong approach what he is saying may be all good and well but it won't help and will almost neer work!! NEVER\

You obvously want her back and that's the truth!! Firstly she is writing toi you because YES she does Miss you and I don't care what she says about not in that way!! BULLCRAAP!!

If she didn't have anyfeelings she would not write at all! Yet let mee tell you if she was into amother guy and you were totally out thense would not message you at al!!

Now interest is still there you can listen to people tell you so many things but when someone messagesyou sfter a lengthy relationship HELL if I'm into another girl the old one is forgotten

Write back be friendly but donyt be the friend!!

You say Hay yeah been pretty busy I don't care what you write make something up something good but not over the top, Tell her yourve been invitedto a trivia night or your going on a party bus on the weekend should be good and then say hope yourve been well Take care!!

Leave it at that NEVER write again build the TENSION

She will be back

She may say hay why don't we catch up NO YOur to busy make it a week later make her wait!! Let me know!

[Homegirl 50]

In her email she says that she thinks of me everyday, and still cares, but not that way. Why would she say something like that? It seems obvious and it hurts to hear that. I think she is casually dating or meeting new people, she said she is open to that. It hurts and I dont know what shes thinking.

I didn't respond because I dont know what she's asking. Maybe she wants to hear that im misserable, I dont believe thats caring about me.

She is probably checking to see how you are. Return her call, tell her you are fine and leave it at that. I can't imagine she is meaning anything else.
Or if you can't handle talking to her, leave it alone. She will soon get the message and stop calling you.

[s_cianci]

There's really no answer that we can give to your question. If she asks again, just say "great" and end it.

[kiki_doki]

It's hard for me to know what her intentions are since her actions have really surprised me and she isn't the person I thought I knew. She says she thinks of me, but not in that way. I could try to analyze it or figure out if she's trying to say something else, but it will only drive me crazy.

I've seen her with someone else, so it hurts, and I can't do anything. Part of me would want her back, but it's the person I used to know that I want back, not who she is now. It's been a crazy ride, and I dont know why she says the things she does.

Well, my post was in answer to your original question: Why is she contacting you (or something to that effect) I gave you all the reasons I could think of for her doing so. It strikes me that this is no longer the question at hand and I think you are right in saying that it would drive you crazy trying to guess. I suppose this then leaves me to say, you need to try and forget about the fact that you loved the person you thought she was... I mean do we REALLY ever know someone?? I don't know. I have had a lot of female friends in the past who are like different people (then the ones I know) when they are with their boyfriends... Maybe this now is the real her, and the person she was with you wasn't... But try to be honest and polite with her if you end this nc business... letting go of the anger will set you free!!
:D

[needofhelp]

I guess it's not the right direction to go. If I want her back, how would I do that? Could she say that she thinks of me everyday, but not that way, as a hint that she does miss me?

[kiki_doki]

Sometimes you have to let people go so that they come back of their own accord, trying to force her (what I mean hear is by trying to make her feel guilty etc.. ) will only have a negative impact. I have no doubt that she misses you but be realistic, she broke up with you and is seeing other people... It hurts you to see her with someone else because its being rejected. I mean, you know her best, if you called her to have a chat and started being friends with her maybe she would change her mind about the relationship... but she might just want to be friends, and then discuss her love life with you... you have to then ask yourself is this something you could deal with?Because that's what it is to be a friend..

[needofhelp]

I know that it's her decision, IF she chooses to come back. Even if that were to happen, I wouldn't jump right into it. I wasn't thinking that I could force her to come back, I wouldn't want to. I can't be her friend, by that definition.

Part of me wonders what the effects would be if I was not her friend. Would it push her away?