[steelburgh88]

I had found a letter from my wife wanting to make love to another man. I question her about it and she first said it was about me. Which wasn't true. It had details about another man from her work. When she started working there he was all she talk about. So, I ask her if she like him. She said no just friends. Back to this letter. Well, I ask her if it was about him this letter and she said no. But, she talks about making love to someone all over her job and someone's home. All details pointing to him. She finally came out and told me who it was. Which she had never mention this guy before and I have know way to find out if its true. I finally told her that she needed to stop talking to the guy she works with. She was also talking and txting her work friend other than work. Which totally pissed me off. She got mad about this. Which at the time she didn't know about cell phone call details summary. Which I look at and found out that she was still calling him. I would bust her cause she would say that she hadn't talk to him. Which I knew the truth and we would get into a big fight about it. A few months have past since this has happen. She has since left that job and doesn't talk to this guy anymore that I know of. I really love my wife so much and know that she loves me. My question is this, how do I get over this, cause the letter plays over in my mind once in a while?

[Stringer]

Lay everything on the table and then tell her that counseling is necessary now.

[donf]

Steel,

What has your lady said about the former crush? Was it a puppy infatuation or did it move to a sexual liaison?

Has she asked for her forgiveness for her actions or is it like it never happened and ignored by her?

There are two issues (1) Your Forgiveness. (2) Your Forgetting. #1 is relatively easy to do and it appears that you have done so already. #2 is impossile to do. Don't waste your time trying to forget what happened. Learn from it and if you start to dwell on the past, look at the present and see if your wife has done anything to deserve your suspicion of her.

You made the decision to forgive her, now you have to own and honor your forgiveness.

I might also suggest that you and your lady have a sit down and you open up and tell her that you know, logically speaking, that the actual events are in the past but from time to time the fear that it may happen again is just overwhelming to you. And you will be asking for her to reaffirm her commitment to you. Make sure she understands that it is your fear and not anything she is doing or not doing.

By the way, as a guy who has been married for 42 years, I can tell you that women understand feelings. Just because we do not know feelings and how crippling they can be is no reason to sell the ladies short. Let her help you.

[steelburgh88]

Thanks for the advice Donf

She told me that she has thought it before and for what ever reason she wrote it down on paper. Which it was just a crush on this guy. My thing is if I didn't see the paper what next? I have fanasties but would never write them on paper or tell my wife about them. First, it would upset her and Two, I don't want to be in the dog house as she was in. What really hurts is that she was lying about it. If she would have told me the truth it still would hurt but it wouldn't be has heart breaking. As, if there might be something more.

But, I thank you again for the advice. We have been married for 12years.

Steel,

What has your lady said about the former crush? Was it a puppy infatuation or did it move to a sexual liaison?

Has she asked for her forgiveness for her actions or is it like it never happened and ignored by her?

There are two issues (1) Your Forgiveness. (2) Your Forgetting. #1 is relatively easy to do and it appears that you have done so already. #2 is impossile to do. Don't waste your time trying to forget what happened. Learn from it and if you start to dwell on the past, look at the present and see if your wife has done anything to deserve your suspicion of her.

You made the decision to forgive her, now you have to own and honor your forgiveness.

I might also suggest that you and your lady have a sit down and you open up and tell her that you know, logically speaking, that the actual events are in the past but from time to time the fear that it may happen again is just overwhelming to you. And you will be asking for her to reaffirm her commitment to you. Make sure she understands that it is your fear and not anything she is doing or not doing.

By the way, as a guy who has been married for 42 years, I can tell you that women understand feelings. Just because we do not know feelings and how crippling they can be is no reason to sell the ladies short. Let her help you.

[yrotseus]

I am so sorry for your hurt. I am in the same boat.

My husband got to be to good of a "friend" on line with a woman. She was showing her body parts to him on the web cam. He was making plans to go visit her. She lives across country from us and he travels that way a lot for work. He accidentally handed me his reservations for the hotel.

We have been married over 20 years. I was crushed. This happened over a year ago and I can still remember the letter he wrote her telling her that he loved her and would never leave her. He told her he couldn't wait to make love to her. He told me the letter was just fantasy. I asked him to write one to me to let me know how he feels about me. There was so much passion in that letter for fantasy. He said he worte me one but didn't like it so never gave it to me. That hurts me more because I feel like he doesn't have that passion for me.

Yes I forgave him BUT you can not forget that easily so don't believe you can. You just have to take one day at a time and it will sneak up on you and hurt you all over again.

Best of luck with this.

[amylc]

I had found a letter from my wife wanting to make love to another man. I question her about it and she first said it was about me. Which wasn't true. It had details about another man from her work. When she started working there he was all she talk about. So, I ask her if she like him. She said no just friends. Back to this letter. Well, I ask her if it was about him this letter and she said no. But, she talks about making love to someone all over her job and someones home. All details pointing to him. She finally came out and told me who it was. Which she had never mention this guy before and I have know way to find out if its true. I finally told her that she needed to stop talking to the guy she works with. She was also talking and txting her work friend other than work. Which totally pissed me off. She got mad about this. Which at the time she didn't know about cell phone call details summary. Which I look at and found out that she was still calling him. I would bust her cause she would say that she hadn't talk to him. Which I knew the truth and we would get into a big fight about it. A few months have past since this has happen. She has since left that job and doesn't talk to this guy anymore that I know of. I really love my wife so much and know that she loves me. My question is this, how do I get over this, cause the letter plays over in my mind once in a while?

You will never get over it. She has proven herself untrustworthy. It would be stupid to trust her completely. If you have children, be polite for harmony in the house and to maintain a relationship with them. Other than that, you could be visiting your children every=other weekend and on wednesdays while your wife humps around and introduces them to her latest. If you have no children, I suggest you cut your losses and leave. Either way, ask yourself what behavior on your part could have led her to seek attention outside of marriage. Did you work long-odd hours, leaving her alone and neglected? Although that is no justification for her actions, it does make them understandable.

[talaniman]

There is a big difference between writing a fantasy down, and cheating, as there is with forgiving and forgetting. Express your feelings in a non judgemental way, because even though you have forgiven, you will never forget. It takes a lot of time and work, together, as you will need a lot of reassurance, and she will have to be understanding. She hurt you, and now she plays a big part in the healing. Keep your mind open, as you may have played a bigger role than you think. What was your reaction when she first started talking of him?