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mattletiss · Oct 13, 2007, 02:10 PM

Hi there,

I've been looking at q and a's on this site and it seems like lots of you guys have got good ideas so I thought I'd tell a bit about my situation and maybe you can help...

Well my story seems pretty typical, about 3 or 4 months ago I came home late to my girlfriends apartment. She was visibly upset, I asked her what was wrong. She said nothing. I pushed again, then she broke down saying how unhappy she was and how unhappy I was making her. Then we went through about three weeks of contact (ish), after a week it looked like we would sort things out (we went for drinks... she was asking me if I could romance her... ) but then I pushed too hard (though in truth not much... shows how brittle it was) and she texted and we met and she said she needed to see other people, space from me, etc. She also seemed angry with me, said I had poisoned her,that she didn't trust me, that she thought I would leave her...

Right some background, we met 2 years ago. It was difficult situation but the attraction between us was very strong. In many ways she did things for me that she never would do for anyone else... she loved me and let me know it... I was much later in showing my feelings (I guess it's a guy thing) and also its an uncertian time career wise for both of us... but the level of compatibility, and fun, between us was just frightening... it ended up being Long Distance for quite a while but about 10 months back I mvoed to her town... and then we settled into a bad, uncommunicative, unhealthy groove that led to our break up... all the fun dissappeared and I began to take her for granted

So why am I writing: well when we broke up my ex seemed unable to actually vocalise why we were breaking up, though a lack of commitment on my part was cited as the prime reason. Since then I have left her alone. She emailed saying she had clothes belonging to me and I met her for lunch last week, I was very friendly and polite but I could sense hostility from her. Then about three days later she emailed, I replied the next day but she hasn't responded (its been a week).

I guess I thought I was doing well but getting back in touch with her blew my head. The ending was very sudden. In may she came to my home for my birthday and said she had never been happier. Then I went away for two weeks with work, when I came back she seemed off, the time apart had made her think about what would happen if I left her for good (as was/is possible with my career), then we went to her friends wedding, had a great time but I think she looked at her friend and thought could I do that (but NEVER vocalised these things), then within three weeks we were broken up.

When it happened I was sure there was someone else, how could her feelings change so fast but its been almost four months and there is no new guy... just her work... most of the time... the thing is I was not a good boyfriend, in fact I copuld be downright mean... there are deep seated reasons for this owing to my troubled family background that I am working through with a psychologist... I miss her, I still love her but I am a bit angry with the way she has treated me, though I understand her reasons.

I guess the question I have I where do I go from here: do I try to get back in touch with her, to see what, if anything, is left between us... do I leave her alone (I;m havibg problems moving on... I met a lovely girl who I had a fling with a couple of weeks back but when I was sleeping with her all I thought about was my ex... and I told her I couldn't have a relationship right now) or do I tell her why I acted the way I did in the relationship and see what her response is. The big issue was, though now with time she seems so cold towards me that I wonder if there is any love left in her heart for me, that I was scared of anything that might lead to a family as mine fcuked up so awfully... she is 27, I'm 26 and obviosuly that is the direction a commiteed relationship should go in but... so I sabataoged our relationship by making her feel small and worth less than me... the truth is the exact opposite but I don't know what to do with why new found self-knowledge... I worry that a big heart to heart will only push the woman I love further away from me... and break my heart completely in the process... I am already so angry with myself for losing her love, not sure I can take total rejection, or that she has totally fallen out of love with me. I've been actively working on myself these last three months, the counselling has helped as has the drama company I joined but there is somebody special missing...

Please help

Ash123 · Oct 13, 2007, 02:59 PM

Please read my link in signature below (Survival Guide) and then can discuss where you go next.

Ps - people always blame themselves when they're broken up with... they never consider that the couple may just not be fated to spend their lives together - no matter what you do.

mattletiss · Oct 13, 2007, 07:28 PM

Thanks for that,

The survival guide is really great advice, as is the comment about always blaming yourself. I think (kinda) I managed to get to somewhere between stage five and six...

I have taken personal positives from this, both for me as a person and any future relationships I will have. I guess I think that I have to wait until she is willing to communicate as adults about our relationship... and accept that that is something that might never happen... I can't force her to sit down and talk to me properly... in a way that is actually quite bullying as she has made it reasonably clear that is not something she wants to do and until some future point... its hard because I do blame myself for so much, I've tried fatalism but its still not doing it for me right now. I'm angry with myself that I pushed her to a point where she seems genuinely indifferent towards me... that I took her love and twisted it so.

I think point 7 about processing things is relevant, even if (which looks likely) we do not get back together (though even though my head understands this statement the rest of my nervous system is a bit behind I'm afraid)

There is still so much of me that wants to reach out to her though, but I guess I must stay strong

Ash123 · Oct 13, 2007, 07:42 PM

I know. It sucks...

But, sometimes toughing it out is just... better though.

mattletiss · Oct 14, 2007, 04:44 AM

I guess yr right. The other factor is location. I'm now living in the same town as her but my reasons for being here, if I'm totally honest, still involve getting back with her. I know I should move but if I do that is defintely the book closed between us... am finding it hard to accept that and just move on with out at least trying to see if there is anything left between us... its hard to move on completely with 'if only... ' in yr mind

Chery · Oct 14, 2007, 05:04 AM

Wanting to 'reach out' to her is part of the process. Unfortunately it is something she will interpret as a weakness. She is probably still angry at you so it will do no good trying to make contact.

It is OK to feel remorse and you probably want to somehow show her that you've realized a few things and that you are willing to change. But at this point in her healing stage, she will not be very receptive.

Time will heal things for you and her. Just don't dwell on the 'her' too much or you will stagnate. It is not done over-night, but from what you wrote, I feel you have a level head on your shoulder and will do just fine, in time.

We are here when you need us and I wish you a hasty healing.

mattletiss · Oct 14, 2007, 05:37 AM

Thanks for that chery (and the level headed comment... I definitely think through this process I have learnt a lot about my own capacities)

As an aside a friend was talking with me last night about a break up he had a few years back and we both came to the conclusion that these experiences are really important to establish a meaningful, lasting relationship in the future (with anyone). I don't know what ye guys think but getting a chance like this to reflect on yourself, and want you want and need from a relationship, is a massive opportunity for personal growth.

Back to my own situation; I agree with what yr saying. To be honest it mirrors back what I think too. From her demanour when we met, and the tone of her email, it is clear that she is still angry with me. She is going through some major life stuff too (one big problem for us is that we are both grad students finishing phd's which made for very stressful times... ) and I don't want to jump in and push my issues on top of her. My remorse is something I need to come to terms with myself, and, in time, forgive myself for.

I have come to something like a decision, I'm going to remain where I am until christmas (I just got a part in a play and I'm almost finished my thesis) and reaccess the situation then. Its difficult because I have very few friends here and limited social opportunities. I have to contact her some time in the next week to collect my soundsytem which is in her office and was thinking of asking her for a coffee, nothing heavy just say hello...

I guess I feel like I'm in the process of changing and want her to see that but obviously don't want to appear weak (I've done well with nc, as in one text in 3 months but her email did throw me). I still have delusions of asking her out to the theatre but realise that isn't a good idea until she shows herself to be receptive... well I have to call her to arrange to pick up my soundsystem so maybe I'll get a sense of where she is at from that.