[RubyPitbull]

Aa, it is good that you are getting all you are feeling out and on paper. However, I agree with Wondergirl.

Something for you to think about, a love letter doesn't talk about the things you hate in a relationship. That first line is a bit scary! You are fed up? That isn't something to say to someone who you are trying to win over. A love letter is all about telling the other person all the wonderful things about them that make them unique, desirable and why you love them.

What I am reading in your letter is that you are very frustrated. It is okay to tell someone how you feel, that is part of what I was talking about with communication. But, if you get angry with her often (as you seem to suggest in your letter) you need to reevaluate what your expectations of a relationship are. I really don't mean to be picking at you here, but I must say, as an objective third party, you seem to want and expect quite a lot from a girl after only one month. You are pushing her too hard honey. I noticed that you totally ignored the suggestions I made in my post for you to do some positive things that you enjoy on your own. You are obsessing too much about this relationship. That isn't good for your mental health. Don't ignore doing the things outside of any relationship you are in that give you enjoyment. You need to be comfortable with yourself and who you are, before you can expect to find satisfaction and completeness with another person.

[Wondergirl]

its not really a love letter but a love letter of complaint ;)

.....


I'm still really worried about giving it to her.

No, it's not a love letter. And, yes, you should be worried about giving it to her.

If you give that letter to her, plan on looking for another girlfriend.

[aaii]

Well... I guess no its not a love letter as such more of just a letter to express to her my feelings.

Yeah I agree that first line is very scary and would be a bit of a punch in the chest. Maybe I should change it :)

And the letter is in distinct format...

Blame / Anger
Sadness / Hurt
Fear / Insecurities
Regret / Sorry
Love / Understanding

It's a technique Dr. John Gray teaches to help couples express their feelings to their partner. He terms it the "love letter" -- But I guess it isn't really that as such because, like you said, it does start very negatively.

The point is to express to her how I feel, my fears, problems in the relationship, etc, and not so much to smother her with love throughout the whole letter.

I actually think my expectations of the relationship are quite low. I think the thing that has got the better of me, if you read the letter, is just that she doesn't seem to be what she was like at the beginning. She's much more reserved and cold, and I say towards the end I want her to be more open with me and help me understand why she's feeling like this, whatever the reason -- even if it is that she doesn't find me attractive anymore, or she doesn't think we are right for each other. Whatever the reason... I just want to know so it doesn't eat me up inside. :)

Oh and I think it could be because her expectations were quite high at first and slowly over time she saw I wasn't perfect. I have my little faults -- so she thinks I'm not so special, after all.

[Wondergirl]

Now, tell us what the letter really says about YOU.

Btw, Dr. Gray got his degree by correspondence, so please don't take his words with anything more than a grain of salt. And yes, he gave a catchy name to a perennial relationship problem and made a fortune, but that doesn't mean he's the cat's meow when it comes to solving relationship problems.

[aaii]

Ok but I do agree with a lot of what he says, and that letter of using different "levels" I think is very effective.

What does the letter say about me? Well maybe you should tell me that.

But I think the letter says that I expect more respect, care and love from her by her doing little things like sending a text to remind me she's thinking of me, take initive in arranging times when we can spend together, etc. It also shows my willingness and need to make an effort to communicate our feelings and problems with each other. I think it shows that I have a lot of love to give, show I really do love her and are seriously willing to commit to our relationship and make things work. I think it shows I am very sensitive and shows that although I'm not perfect, I try my hardest to understand her and will try even harder in the future.

What do you think it shows? :)

[Wondergirl]

Ok but I do agree with a lot of what he says, and that letter of using different "levels" I think is very effective.

What does the letter say about me? Well maybe you should tell me that.

But I think the letter says that I expect more respect, care and love from her by her doing little things like sending a text to remind me shes thinking of me, take initive in arranging times when we can spend together, etc. It also shows my willingness and need to make an effort to communicate our feelings and problems with each other. I think it shows that I have a lot of love to give, show I really do love her and are seriously willing to commit to our relationship and make things work. I think it shows I am very sensitive and shows that although I'm not perfect, I try my hardest to understand her and will try even harder in the future.

What do you think it shows? :)

I didn't say Dr. Gray is incorrect, but merely said he, with his correspondence degree, took an established idea about men and women and popularized it--and made a fortune. Long live our free enterprise system!

I do very much disagree with his "levels" idea. You agree; I disagree. We need one more person to break the tie?

I'll reread your letter and let you know what I think. Right now I'm working on the hard Sunday crossword puzzle.

[aaii]

No offence, Wondergirl, but in most of this thread you seem to have only really been focusing on peoples disagreements. I'm not saying your arguing about this, but it seems a lot of things set alarm clocks off for you?

By all means have your opinions, but I would appreciate it if you could focus more on what I said that relates to the problem at hand ;)

P.S. Sorry if I seem frustrated, but its because I am! I write a long post about how I feel and you focus on our different views, not on what I wrote!

Take care

[Wondergirl]

You have been dating this girl for only a month and already are planning to send her this letter that shows how much you are obsessing over this relationship. You are picking it apart bit by bit. Does it really need this much analysis at this early stage?

Like someone earlier said, get involved with other people and things so this girl is not the center of your life. Even better, arrange for several sessions with a good counselor who will be more than glad to work with you on building your confidence and assessing how you come off to others.

Had you been dating this girl for a year or two with a lot of frequency and fun times, and then experienced the feelings you have, this letter would be more appropriate.

[aaii]

That's what I feared to begin with and I think after all... I'll just try and be my best for her and maybe casually bring up issues every now and then.

Thanks for staying focused on the question.

I just received a text from her saying she's had a bad weekend and is asking how mine was and hopes I'm all OK. Its little things like this that make me think she still cares. Its just that I hadn't heard from her since Friday, and I normally would, and that she doesn't seem to respond to nice things I say to her anymore. Like if you say to someone you love them, you want them to say it back. She practically ignores it. I said to you don't seem to like me saying those things to you anymore (things like I want to hold you tightly) and she said "no I do like it" :)

Think I need to get a backbone.

Appreciate all your help.

Take care

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

If they are self-concious or have low self-esteem, they can relate to a partner that posesses this same quality. And guess what. My partner does half low self-esteem, is self concious and at times quite self-pitiful. She has something to relate to. We can both share the feeling; she no longer feels alone.

I would tend to agree with this. Water seeks its own level.

However, I have noticed friends who were strong and got with weak insecure girls. The insecure girls would try to beat them down to their level. Most times the relationship ended because of the head games the weak play and the frustration the strong go through thinking they have done wrong. I have seen it with both men and women.

Then the weak ends up with a weak partner and guess what, they end up not respecting their partner, so they are miserable and seek another partner, and the cycle goes on and on until a couple is comfortable but not really happy and just stay together.

The focus needs to be on you and getting strong.

You can do anything if you put your mind to it. In fact, you are starting to by reading this blog and learning. Fear is just not knowing the outcome, but education helps you know the outcome.

[enigmagnetic]

However, I have noticed friends who were strong and got with weak insecure girls. The insecure girls would try to beat them down to their level. Most times the relationship ended because of the head games the weak play and the frustration the strong go through thinking they have done wrong. I have seen it with both men and women.

Then the weak ends up with a weak partner and guess what, they end up not respecting their partner, so they are miserable and seek another partner, and the cycle goes on and on until a couple is comfortable but not really happy and just stay together.

This is what happened with me. :( I was much stronger and it frustrated me to no end.

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT GIVE HER THIS LETTER!

1. It will turn her away because now this relationship is not light and fun the way it should be, and;
2. She will use it to show her friends

If you have an issue, talk to her personally. You really need to back way off.

Plus, what the rush about the sex anyway. Take the time, be friends, enjoy doing things together and go with the flow. Women want what they can't have and you are gushing your heart out to her, she has you. Also, Dr Grey is full of crap, don't listen to a word he says.

For example in your letter you stated: I'm fed up of feeling alone in this relationship. I don't like it when I have to keep asking for time to spend together. I hate it when you are reserved and act coldy towards me (First - this is a sign that she is not interested and when she reads it she will be thinking - "Whatever"). But here is how I would handle it.

Why don't you say, "hey are you happy? then listen to what she says, if she asks why, say, I don't know, it just feels like you have been a little distant and cold and I want you to be happy, so talk to me"

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

Like if you say to someone you love them, you want them to say it back.

After 1 month you are saying you love her! You are infatuated not in love. The lesson that you need to learn at this age is to be a challenge, and keep it light and fun.

You have done the complete opposite. What you want can only be achieved if she is chasing you, then she will experience all of the feelings that you are going through and be thinking of you 24/7 like you are doing now.

Why are you thinking like this? Because she is not available. Look at what she is doing and do the same thing. Maybe you can pull out of the nosedive.

I think that you chased her away, you came on too hard, too fast, plus she should be saying the "I love yous" for awhile before you say it. And now you are going to send a letter, your done.

[enigmagnetic]

After 1 month you are saying you love her! done.

This is why I had originally thought he had a long relationship. That's lightspeed emotion

[aaii]

After 1 month you are saying you love her! You are infatuated not in love. The lesson that you need to learn at this age is to be a challenge, and keep it light and fun.

Yeah I agree I am infatuated by her. We both have said we love each other, so even if it is infactuation, I *think* we're both on the same level.

You have done the complete opposite. What you want can only be achieved if she is chasing you, then she will experience all of the feelings that you are going through and be thinking of you 24/7 like you are doing now.

I don't think I agree with this simply because when I pull back, e.g. I don't text her and I normally would, or stop saying certain things to her, she doesn't seem to start chasing me.

And I wouldn't know if she was thinking about me 24/7. Somedays I doubt she even thought of me at all.

Why are you thinking like this? Because she is not available. Look at what she is doing and do the same thing. Maybe you can pull out of the nosedive.

Well recently I have taken a step back, just like it feels she has, but I now feel like because I've stepped back she thinks I no longer care and that she no longer cares! I just feel like we are growing very very distant... though that feeling is quickly forgotten when we are together. It's hard to get to that point of being together though because during the week she seems to not be bothered about making time to spend together, or think about me at all, or anything! But when we are together I can tell she enjoys being with be and really cares about me.

Jeez I'm confused!

I think that you chased her away, you came on too hard, too fast, plus she should be saying the "I love yous" for awhile before you say it. And now you are going to send a letter, your done.

I'm not going to give her the letter, like I said in a couple of posts before. I agree the letter shows I am coming on too strongly. However, I feel like if I do not show her what I feel like right now then our relationship will never grow.

[RubyPitbull]

Aa, this will be my last post on this thread. I don't really have much time to donate to AMHD at the moment.

I know you are not going to like what I have to say but I am putting it out there anyway. Your responses disturb me. You accused Wondergirl of arguing with people here, but that is what you are doing yourself. You are picking apart everyone's posts and coming up with either your reasonings in this situation or just disagreeing with what people are suggesting. You ARE obsessing about this girl. You WANT her to feel the same way you do and you expect her to want the same things out of this relationship that you do. You ARE NOT open to the solutions we are suggesting. So, you WILL continue to feel confused, angry, annoyed, and frustrated. You mention that she hasn't told you that she loves you and you WANT that so desperately. I don't know you and I don't know how how you interact with her, but if you are showing her a quarter of the anger and frustration that have been coming out of all of your posts here on this web site, you are headed down the path to heartbreak. Honey, your feelings are way too intense this early in the game and I do believe that you are scaring her, thus pushing her further away from you. The stuff you are coming out with is more on the side of the thoughts of a stalker than someone who wants a balanced give and take relationship. I think you should take Wondergirl's suggestion and find a counselor in your area. Someone whose specialty is couples counseling. You need to be able to describe in detail the exact interaction that is happening between you and your girl. The counselor will be able to give you some better insight into what you need to focus on and constructive advice on how to handle the situation when it starts moving in a direction you are not happy with. I think doing this will be your best chance at salvaging this relationship.

I am sure you are going to pick my post apart again. Please don't bother because as I said, I won't be able to respond anymore. Print out all the questions you have posted on this web site, along with the responses you have received from everyone, and bring them with you to your appointment. This will give a counselor a lot of insight into how you are feeling, and will speed up the process to get the results you desire.

[OurGreatestYear]

Oh man, I share your feelings exactly on this:

Ok, he has:

1) A job -- money.
2) Looks... Better body, etc.
3) More out-going -- not as boring.
4) Shares more common interests with her.
5) Less ignorant, more knowledge of the world and therefore provide her more.
6) Experience in relationships -- something which I have little in (I've only ever had one other partner, which lasted 1 and half years).

Only the one other girl I had didn't last nearly that long haha. But seriously...
The girl I'm in love with right now isn't my girlfriend (yet ;)) but that's one of the things making it hard for me to go for her is that all the guys she knows, or could have, are far more motivated and successful in life than I am. Everything on your list above is exactly what goes through my mind when I think to myself "there's no way she'd want to be with me because she could have anyone she wants, and about all of them would be better suited to date her than me..."

[aaii]

aa, this will be my last post on this thread. I don't really have much time to donate to AMHD at the moment.

I know you are not going to like what I have to say but I am putting it out there anyway. Your responses disturb me. You accused Wondergirl of arguing with people here, but that is what you are doing yourself. You are picking apart everyone's posts and coming up with either your reasonings in this situation or just disagreeing with what people are suggesting. You ARE obsessing about this girl. You WANT her to feel the same way you do and you expect her to want the same things out of this relationship that you do. You ARE NOT open to the solutions we are suggesting. So, you WILL continue to feel confused, angry, annoyed, and frustrated. You mention that she hasn't told you that she loves you and you WANT that so desperately. I don't know you and I don't know how how you interact with her, but if you are showing her a quarter of the anger and frustration that have been coming out of all of your posts here on this web site, you are headed down the path to heartbreak. Honey, your feelings are way too intense this early in the game and I do believe that you are scaring her, thus pushing her further away from you. The stuff you are coming out with is more on the side of the thoughts of a stalker than someone who wants a balanced give and take relationship. I think you should take Wondergirl's suggestion and find a counselor in your area. Someone whose specialty is couples counseling. You need to be able to describe in detail the exact interaction that is happening between you and your girl. The counselor will be able to give you some better insight into what you need to focus on and constructive advice on how to handle the situation when it starts moving in a direction you are not happy with. I think doing this will be your best chance at salvaging this relationship.

I am sure you are going to pick my post apart again. Please don't bother because as I said, I won't be able to respond anymore. Print out all the questions you have posted on this web site, along with the responses you have received from everyone, and bring them with you to your appointment. This will give a counselor a lot of insight into how you are feeling, and will speed up the process to get the results you desire.

I don't expect you to reply to this post.

I thank you for your continuous help and you all have given me a lot of insight into the situation and how best to approach all the issues I have raised.

You mentioned that I said she hasn't said that she loves me. If you read the post above I said we both have said we love each other.

My point about Wondergirl arguing was out of frustration, which I did apologise for in advance. The main reason I got a little annoyed about that was she only seemed to focus on disagreements that doesn't directly relate to the question, when I had already taken the time to make a long post about how I feel. I simply refocussed her attention. :)

I do agree with a lot of things people have said, if you go back and read my posts you will see this. For example, I agreed I am obsessing over her, I need to do more things, maybe I expect too much too soon, I need to talk to her in a casual way, etc.

My feelings are all over the place right now. On here I agree I seem to be venting my frustration out, but I do not act like this around her, as you seem to of suggested. I know that if I did, it really would be over, hence why I came here for advice and to share my feelings, you know, to get it all out! Seeing all of your comments has really helped me see the bigger picture.

Thanks a lot once again. You don't need to reply to this post, though I'd love to hear from you again if you can spare the time. :)

Take care

[thoughtiwastheman]

I think its safe to say you've answered your question or concern

[RubyPitbull]

Okay, I found a moment in between training sessions.

I actually think my expectations of the relationship are quite low.

Its just that I hadn't heard from her since friday, and I normally would, and that she doesn't seem to respond to nice things I say to her anymore. Like if you say to someone you love them, you want them to say it back. She practically ignores it.

No, your expectations after one month of dating are too high. You are trying to force her to keep telling you she loves you. You are being too pushy with her. I am not sure how to get all this across to you except to keep repeating what most of us have been saying. Get out there and do other things and stop the mindeffing routine I mentioned in my original post here on this thread. Stop texting her, stop calling her, you don't have to speak with her every day. Especially when you have only been dating for one month. You have to stop focusing completely on this girl. Just stop all this. Go out bowling with friends, go to see a silly movie, go take some classes on hobbies that interest you. Think about what interests you (besides this girl) and just do it. If you are still having trouble figuring out how to just let go of this mental raking over the coals that you are putting yourself through, and start to do these things I have suggested, you do need to find a counselor who will teach you how to refocus your thoughts. People who are in happy and stable relationships are the people who have other interests in life besides the person they are dating/married to.