[RubyPitbull]

Aa, the reason I asked your age is because your question is one that a lot of young people ask. I see from your other responses that you are 20. I also see that you haven't really had the kind of communication with your girl that you want to have due to her shyness and discomfort. You mentioned that she has been with other guys but are you 100% sure she isn't a virgin or someone with very limited sexual experience? She just might be afraid. If she was raised in a household where she was told sex is wrong, she may be suffering from mixed feelings about this whole thing. Maybe she wants to have sex with you but is afraid once she does, you won't want her anymore. It really could be any number of things. This really is all about her and what is going on with her, not you. At your age, I can understand your confusion and your doubting yourself. But trust me, it is all about her. She knows what you want and she is uncomfortable.

By the way, other people here were telling you to start some other hobbies or do other things instead of dwelling on your issues. It isn't a light switch situation, it really has everything to do with getting out and spending time with your friends or doing something else that you enjoy besides driving yourself nuts over what is going on in your girlfriends head. We can't do anything about the things we don't have control over. AND, you do not have control over her feelings and thoughts. Her hesitancy or shyness to discuss this aspect of your relationship is a HUGE problem. Not being able to communicate your feelings to your partner and work on a solution, will absolutely doom a relationship. It leaves too much room for speculation -- which is what you are doing. When we sit down, and try to figure something out that is going on with someone else without any explanations, we just get nowhere except to really drive ourselves nuts. So, you need to start refocusing your attention on the things in life (other than your girlfriend) that you enjoy. Get your butt out and hang with friends, go visit your family, go volunteer your time to an organization that you believe in (ex, volunteer at an animal rescue group or be a "big brother" to a boy who doesn't have a father or brother to do things with).

[aaii]

Well I think the point enigmagnetic was trying to make was really about taking things for granted.

If you let her get too comfortable and be overtly nice towards her -- she will take advantage of you and start to take things you do for granted. But I don't think deliberately causing problems is the correct thing to do, either.

I think a happy medium should be found. Show to her that you need respect just as much as she needs it. Accept that people aren't perfect and we don't all want the same thing.

[enigmagnetic]

Well I think the point enigmagnetic was trying to make was really about taking things for granted.

If you let her get too comfortable and be overtly nice towards her -- she will take advantage of you and start to take things you do for granted. But I don't think deliberatly causing problems is the correct thing to do, either.

I think a happy medium should be found. Show to her that you need respect just as much as she needs it. Accept that people aren't perfect and we don't all want the same thing.

I know my methods seem somewhat cruel but I'm never mean about it and they work very well for me. You treat her with chivalry open doors treat her like a lady but you must act like a man. That means always, always show composure. I had loads of problems with my ex when I began acting paranoid. It's cause and effect. I'm not saying deliberately cause problems, I'm saying don't be predictable, and a pushover. Changing your mind about a restaurant and coyly making fun of a personal appearance is hardly a problem especially when you come back and give her more in return. That's not being problematic, that is being unpredictable. The two last sentences I fully agree with it. When men cede complete control to the woman, emotionally financially, phsyically what have you they lose her. It's a fact.

[aaii]

aa, the reason I asked your age is because your question is one that a lot of young people ask. I see from your other responses that you are 20.

Yeah I can see why... because young people, like myself, are inexperienced and therefore feel inferior. We try to understand what is going on but mostly fail because of lack of experience.

I also see that you haven't really had the kind of communication with your girl that you want to have due to her shyness and discomfort.

If I'm honest I haven't really pushed her into talking about it all, or about our relationship at all or where its going. I think it could be still early days for that talk? My commitment might actually scare her.

You mentioned that she has been with other guys but are you 100% sure she isn't a virgin or someone with very limited sexual experience? She just might be afraid.

Possibly. I know she's had many past boyfriends and I'm pretty sure she's not a virgin! I can't say I've hidden a camera in her past boyfriends room and can see she's pretty good with them, but taking an educated guess I'd say she's much more experienced than me.

If she was raised in a household where she was told sex is wrong, she may be suffering from mixed feelings about this whole thing. Maybe she wants to have sex with you but is afraid once she does, you won't want her anymore.

I'm not too sure. She does seem to be very respectful of her parents attitudes and feelings. And I still want her either way, so she really has nothing to worry about at all.

It really could be any number of things. This really is all about her and what is going on with her, not you. At your age, I can understand your confusion and your doubting yourself. But trust me, it is all about her. She knows what you want and she is uncomfortable.

She seems very distant from me right now... and you might think that's a sign of that she just doesn't want me anymore... but I can tell she does care about me and is still interested. I think I'm seeing her on Tuesday and I'm seriously thinking about talking to her, but I'm so worried about how to approach this and what the outcome will be.

[Wondergirl]

I know my methods seem somewhat cruel

Yes, they certainly do.

you must act like a man

Making fun of her flaws isn't manly. You "come back and give more in return"? Sorry, but first impressions will linger long after your "corrections".

When men cede complete control to the woman, emotionally financially, phsyically what have you they lose her. It's a fact.

I thought the aim is compromise and cooperation. Where did the idea of control come from?

[enigmagnetic]

Yes, they certainly do.



Making fun of her flaws isn't manly. You "come back and give more in return"? Sorry, but first impressions will linger long after your "corrections".



I thought the aim is compromise and cooperation. Where did the idea of control come from?

It's hard to explain.

1. They SEEM cruel.

2. I'm not saying laugh at deep emotional flaws, I'm saying POKE fun of small cosmetic flaws in a joking way, then compliment her intensely. It's about being unpredictable. If you're that insecure about or upset by a joke about big ears where it may end a 2 year relationship then there are worse problems you should be addressing. This is advice specific to him and is subjective so I hope you pardon it's gray scale.

3.My aim is to compromise, and ceding complete control over to someone else is not compromising or is it? When he lets her affect him as much as she does emotionally all the time he is ceding emotional control. I'm saying he must have strength and maintain emotional composure even when facing the difficult task of that very compromise you speak of. You misunderstand me and take me for a misogynistic male fathead. I'm not condoning abusive treatment only joking and playful (not serious) methods of keeping yourself fresh and new. You're taking a defensive stance because you are typifying my advice as male bs. That's not my aim. Hence why I tell him to be chivalrous and open doors. You must treat her like a lady while not ceding your manhood. If you want a guy who bows to your every wish and lets you easily emotionally control him than I accept your disagreement. Otherwise am I really that irrational?

[Wondergirl]

1. They SEEM cruel.

No, they ARE cruel.

I'm not saying laugh at deep emotional flaws, I'm saying POKE fun of small cosmetic flaws in a joking way

Oh, I'm soooooooooo relieved to hear that explanation. That's so much kinder.

then compliment her intensely

But she turns off during the cruel joke part, and doesn't hear the stammered compliment.

It's about being unpredictable.

THAT'S how to be unpredictable?? Um, you missed Unpredictibility 101.

ceding complete control over to someone else is not compromising or is it?

Nope, it's not.

When he lets her affect him as much as she does emotionally all the time he is ceding emotional control. I'm saying he must have strength and maintain emotional composure even when facing the difficult task of that very compromise you speak of. [He] must treat her like a lady while not ceding [his] manhood.

Great! Now, let's discuss helpful and useful ways to accomplish that, to keep his emotional self intact as well as to encourage hers.

[enigmagnetic]

I doubt I can convince you, Wondergirl, that my means are not malicious to you since you seem to be taking this almost personally. I'm sorry but I have to disagree with your opinion. I hate to say it but you seem overtly defensive, almost like I hit a special sore spot. I'm not going to retract my statement because I've actually shopped this idea around quite a bit and most women I've talked to agree with me on how to keep a woman interested in this way. Perhaps I haven't articulated myself in the same way here. Now I do agree he must be a gentleman (remember I said chivalrous) and make sure he is supporting as a man. A man should be supportive and willing to listen and compromise. You seem to be focusing intently on the pokeing fun bit. When you're in a committed long relationship it's easier to have inside jokes and the ability to kid with each other like I state. It seems you're missing that point. I really don't understand why it's so cruel, I'm not saying anything that bad. I think the worst I ever did to my ex was call her a major geek. I made fun of her snorting and poked fun by saying she was nerdy which she reciprocated. I kept it lighthearted but was witty towards her and when I was like that she was totally into me. I poked fun at her harmless insecurities and then I would give her deep compliments like how she was effective at sensing how to bring together different people from different walks of life. When I got serious like our protagonist AAII it went down hill. When I lost confidence in myself and when I lost the ability to exude a bit of bravado she lost interest. I don't think you're analyzing my statement as I intend to portray it. Please consider what I'm saying and realize that you are being very vague in your definition of cruelty. If you think that is cruel you may as well not watch comedy shows or joke around with friends and poke fun at them. I mean really, it would seem boring to me, to have to be serious all the time. That's just me. Take it how you will wondergirl. Finally what would you suggest he try? I will drop this because I truly don't feel a need to defend my statement any further but I thank you for your opinion of what I think, and for your attempt to help in any case.

[Wondergirl]

I poked fun at her harmless insecurities and then I would give her deep compliments

As long as she gets equal time to poke fun at your insecurities and then give you deep compliments, and you two walk off into the sunset holding hands, that's fine with me. I object to your advising others that this is a desirable thing. Yes, it can work in a long-time, solid relationship, as long as each knows what the other is about.

And I thank you for your incorrect assumptions about me. They told me a lot about how you relate.

[s_cianci]

If they are self-conscious or have low self-esteem, they can relate to a partner that possesses this same quality.

Don't be so sure. Actually the reverse may be true. Women often expect the men in their lives to "carry" them, so to speak. What I mean by that is that they expect you to compensate for what they perceive as lacking in themselves. That said, a woman with low self-confidence may want and expect a man to be extremely confident in order to make up for their own lack of self-confidence. Men tend to do the same thing as well in expecting their women to own the traits that they perceive themselves as lacking. In fact this is one of the big reasons relationships fail, because we insist that our partners carry too much of a load for us and become angry and resentful of them when they don't or can't. For example, I happen to be a fairly reserved person. I really wouldn't call myself shy but I'm not super outgoing or friendly either. During my bachelor years I found it very difficult to maintain the attraction and interest of women who were the same way, even when I found them interesting and to my liking. I think that a big reason for that was that these women were not interested in a man who possessed the same traits as themselves. They wanted a man who was friendly and outgoing, to make up for the lack of that trait in themselves. That's not really a healthy basis for a relationship in my opinion but that's often how it works.

[enigmagnetic]

As long as she gets equal time to poke fun at your insecurities and then give you deep compliments, and you two walk off into the sunset holding hands, that's fine with me. I object to your advising others that this is a desirable thing. Yes, it can work in a long-time, solid relationship, as long as each knows what the other is about.

And I thank you for your incorrect assumptions about me.

That's what he is in. His trouble is that he feels they may be cooling off a bit. That's why I said my advice was specific to his situation. And of course it's on equal footing. If she does it even better because now she's into the little fun game. This is wonderful in the long run. My parents still poke fun at each other, in not a disrespectful manner, and they are going on 30 years of marriage and are still happy. I'm not advising everyone within this post just AAII. I'm not saying disrespect a woman at all. In fact you only make her realize that she is silly for being so uptight or vise versa. It isn't an effort to gain the upper hand only to spark the flames and keep them burning. Confidence is key.

Edit; I apologize if I was incorrect with how I see your defensive posts, but it's what you have projected to me, much like your assumptions than I'm cruel. So I guess I thank you as well about your incorrect assumptions about me.

[Wondergirl]

Sorry, scianci --Jung called this our "shadow" self, the opposite of what we are, what we look for in others, especially in significant others.

[Wondergirl]

When you're in a committed long relationship it's easier to have inside jokes and the ability to kid with each other like I state. It seems you're missing that point.

The questioner has been in a relationship for only a month, he said. You are talking about a
"committed long" one. That's why I differed with you.

[enigmagnetic]

The questioner has been in a relationship for only a month, he said. You are talking about a
"committed long" one. That's why I differed with you.

:eek: Ah. I humbly request your apologies and understanding. I will leave my posts there to showcase what pigheadedness and an inability to pay attention to details can do. :o
What can I say oops? I guess my argument would be valid, to me, if he was actually in a long relationship. I could have sworn it said two years. I must be posting too much. So AAII, just have confidence I yourself. It's only been a month, don't get to serious with it that quickly, and ease up and be more casual. Man wondergirl, can you ever look past this? Guess that's why I'm a junior member heh uh.

[Wondergirl]

I may have to put you on the Naughty Chair for fifteen minutes, enigmagnetic.

(I was wondering why you were being so pigheaded!! )

[aaii]

I have written a love letter this morning and I would like to share it with you all.

I just really want to know if I should show her it when I see her on Tuesday? I'm worried that because we have been back together only 2 weeks it maybe too early or pushy to be writing this kind of stuff, but then I think if we don't clear these things up it won't last much longer anyway

Well here's the letter. I'd love to know what you all think :)

---------------

I'm fed up of feeling alone in this relationship. I don't like it when I have to keep asking for time to spend together. I hate it when you are reserved and act coldy towards me. I don't like it when I feel rejected that you do not want a sexual relationship with me. I don't like it when you hide things from me such as your feelings and things I do wrongly to annoy you. I hate hurting you because I only want to make things strong between us.

I feel sad when it feels like you do not think about me. I feel disappointed because in the beginning your love was so strong but now it almost seems forced, and it really hurts me to think that. I feel sad when I upset you because you mean the world to me, and it hurts when you don't trust me to tell me what's wrong.

I'm scared that you don't love me anymore. I feel alone in all of this desperatly trying to find my way to you, but it feels like you don't want to know. It feels like after all these years I have finally found someone special and I'm now scared to lose you. But it feels like I have already lost you because of the way you have been acting. You aren't the same as you use to be in the beginning. I'm afraid of being alone and misunderstood, not needed and things carrying on the way they are. I'm scared I'm going to lose you completely because of us growing further and further apart.

I'm sorry that I do things to annoy you. I never mean to hurt you deliberately in anything I do. Please forgive me for starting silly arguments because I was scared that you didn't care anymore. I'm sorry for feeling insecure at times when I really need you. I never meant to cause you to be upset because I care about you so much.

I understand that you are busy and sometimes its just not possible to text or spend time together and that sometimes your just not in the mood to do anything sexual. I understand that you are scared to tell me things in case I get mad at you but I would love you to tell me what you want, and I promise from now on I will listen and not be mad but thank you for bringing it up. I loved taking you to horse riding and places you want to go to because I love seeing you happy. I love it when it feels like you need me and want me around. I love your warmth, and to me you are so beautiful. Your just so damn special to me and you're the only girl I want. If I ever lost you I would be lost.

You've opened up a side of me... You have shown me what it means to care and love someone.

I love you, always and forever.

[Wondergirl]

I think you are apologizing too much. I also think you are promising too much. You have a lot to offer a girl. Have confidence in yourself--remember?? You're a good writer and a romantic thinker.

The only part of your letter that plucked my heartstrings was the end (and I tweaked it a bit). In my humble opinion, that's all you need to give to her to get your point across --

"I love taking you horseback riding and to other special places because I love seeing you happy. I love it when we are together. I love your warmth and your enthusiasm. You're just so damn special to me and the only girl I want in my life. If I ever lost you, it would be the end of my world."

[aaii]

The only part of your letter that plucked my heartstrings was the end (and I tweaked it a bit). In my humble opinion, that's all you need to give to her to get your point across --

What do you mean "thats all you need to give to her to get your point across?" Do you mean the whole letter?

I can see why the ending plucked your heartstrings because the end paragraph is about love how much I love her. The rest won't pluck her heart but it might possibly make her realise how much she's affecting me, and hopefully by the end of the letter she will see how much I love her.

[Wondergirl]

I still think you would be going about it with too much apologizing and explanation. It was getting so ponderous that I almost didn't finish reading it, and would have missed your love-letter part.

If anything, only BRIEFLY mention the other stuff. What you promise is wonderful, but will you deliver?? Actions speak louder than words. Your apologies got to be almost too much to handle.

Write her mainly a love letter and tell her how important she is to you. She will get the point.

[aaii]

I still think you would be going about it with too much apologizing and explanation. It was getting so ponderous that I almost didn't finish reading it, and would have missed your love-letter part.

Yeah it does go on abit... But this letter isn't about one specific thing, its about our relationship as a whole, so I feel quite a bit has to be mentioned!

If anything, only BRIEFLY mention the other stuff.

I think I do mention briefly?

What you promise is wonderful, but will you deliver?? Actions speak louder than words. Your apologies got to be almost too much to handle.

Well, she has told me before (after we broke up) the little things I did to annoy her (shes extremely sensitive)... I didn't even realise they annoyed her! I was ignorant of them... Now I'm much more aware and I don't do those things anymore.

I think the main problem is communication between us.

Write her mainly a love letter and tell her how important she is to you. She will get the point.

Yes she will get the point, but she won't get the point of how *I* feel -- how she's affecting me. So I guess in a way its not really a love letter but a love letter of complaint ;)

...


I'm still really worried about giving it to her. I'll take it anyway and leave it in my car and decide on the day whether I should or not.