[THATguy23]

I'm with a girl I really care about, I'm 21 and in college and she's 19 and she's not really in school, but she is taking one class at the local community college and she's done her financial aid paperwork in order to register in the Spring.

We've only been together for 4 months or so, but this is the most serious relationship I've ever been in and I really think I'm in love and I know she loves me as well.

Anyway, about a month ago we got into a fight outside her house (not a physical fight, I would never put my hands on her), it was supposed to just be me and her, but her mom wound up waking up and coming outside, I always respected her mother, but on this night I didn't say anything to her, I just drove off, because I was pissed off.

Well, her mother was so mad about it that she told her daughter that I'm not allowed over her house any more. Two days after the fight we went to the movies and she lied to her mom about who she was with, because her mom was still mad at me, but we wound up having really great night. A couple nights later, I came by to pick her up and hang out with her again, this time her mother asked her where she was going and when she said she was going to see me, they got into an argument and her mother told her if she leaves, to give her the keys to her house.

Well, she left anyway and spent the night with me. Her mom was like really pissed off and really acting like she was kicking her out of the house, so I told her she could stay with me until her mom cools off. So, she went back to her house and got some clothes and stuff when her mom wasn't there, and she stayed with me for about a week and a half, her and her mom had made up by then, but she never asked to go home. It's almost as if she was trying to move in with me. One night I had to study for a quiz, I just up and took her home. She was mad and sad at the same time, that I would just take her home like that. And I honestly kind of liked the week we spent together, so I start letting her stay over 3 or 4 nights a week and just taking her home on nights when I really had a lot of work in school.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, I had a quiz to study for, and she was on my computer studying flash and dreamweaver (she loves to design websites and wants to go into web design or computer programming of some kind). I was very proud of her and felt like she was being productive and so I studied in the chair on the other side of the room, while she did her stuff on the computer.

After that, I realized I can study with her here and not be bothered or distracted. She'll never ask to go home, it's as if she wants to be around me 24/7, and she's here so much, it's gotten harder for me to ask her to go home, especially now that I can study and do my work with her here - it's like I don't even have any more good excuses to take her home.
But she's been here for two and a half weeks straight without spending a single night at her house and she's only spent like 5 or 6 nights total at her mom's house in the last month, so, it's like she moved in and she's started to get annoying. Like it seems every little thing I do or say is wrong or stupid, but she's starting to drive me crazy. I can't even be myself, like I can't listen to my stereo and listen to stuff I want to listen to, because she "don't wanna hear that song, turn that off!" or even watch the stuff on TV I want to watch, because the stuff I watch is "stupid" according to her. I just want time to myself again. Between school, work and her - it's like 3 full time jobs. I'm a full time student, she's taking one class right now like I said at the community college - every morning at 7:30, so I like to let her stay here and use my car to go to her class and then come home and take me to my classes and pick me up from my classes after school so I don't have to take the shuttle. I also like the fact that she can use my computer for web design (her computer at her house is 4 years old, and I just bought my computer in May). But she doesn't have a job, so it's not like she's helping out on rent or anything - and she's costing me more money than just living by myself, because it's groceries for two now, and all the gas she consumes driving my car.

I love her, but this is all getting to be too much for me. I just want some more free time to myself, and I've never even been in a relationship before, so this is my first relationship and I'm starting to feel like it's just moving waayy too fast. Why are there curling irons and maxi pads in my bathroom?? Her clothes are in my closet! I feel like it's my fault for letting her stay this long, I let her get comfortable, if I ask her to go home and tell her I need some time off I feel like she may take it the wrong way.

I don't want to break up, but I'm scarred that the way I feel and the way I act in this situation could lead to that if I'm not careful. I feel like I need the relationship to just slow down a little, but I think she's incapable of "taking it slow". Like the other day, she was talking about buying a dog together and he could be our baby - when I think of stuff like that all I see is dollar signs. I don't even have enough room in my apartment for a dog and I love dogs and we always had dogs growing up, but I don't feel like I'm ready for a dog of my own quite yet.

All and all, I just don't know what to do or where to go with this relationship, but I know it's starting to really be too much for me, especially her living here, when that was never really my intention - I just wanted to provide her someplace to stay while her and her mother cooled off.

[aaii]

Sounds like things have moved pretty damn fast within a matter of weeks.

She certainly seems extremely comfortable living with you, but you do not like the financial side of things and are missing your solitude and private space.

She also seems controlling, like telling you what to do in your house, what to watch, which is a very bad sign.

I think you two just need to sit down and have a serious talk about where everything is going. Literally tell her exactly what you have told us! Say you love her living with you but you are struggling finacially and sometimes you need your own private space.

If she loves you and really cares for you she would listen and hopefully try and help you finacially and "put up" with your heavy metal music or the programs you watch. You will have to come to some compromise here. Say, you record your programs you want to watch on what days, you wear headphones when listening to music, or keep it down low. Its all about making each other happy. Win Win.

Let us know how it goes :D

Take care

[talaniman]

You have learned to stay out of the personal family business of others, and should have simply backed away. Now things are out of control, and your learning more about her faster than you can handle. You better tell her honestly, but firmly how you feel. She is not to blame for this, you both are. Now you know that even though things sounded good at first, what happens behind closed doors is very different. Talk to each other, and resolve your issues, or this will never work, and I seriously doubt you will stay together if she moves out, and has to go home.

[Homegirl 50]

Have a talk with her and take her home. She may be angry, but it's now or never. You guys will either straighten this out now, or you'll end up really fighting later.
Just tell her that you are not ready for a live in relationship. And when you take her home, apologize to her mom for not speaking. None of this may have happened if you had maybe done that in the beginning.

[Gotogrrl]

I agree with what everyone has said. You really need to have a talk with her and make a few compromises. If she is willing to listen and take your thoughts and feelings into consideration great, you both will be better off for opening up some communication.
If you think it is too much to do all at once maybe soften the blow by having small compromises first and work yourself up to the bigger issues.
You will feel like you are accomplishing what you want without hurting her feelings.

[statictable]

Amazing how funny a guy is to a girl he just started seeing. Even more amazing is how that same humor can become the big "stupid" in a few short months. In a relationship each person needs their own life and it sounds like she has very little going on at this time. She needs to be able to use her creative mind every day otherwise frustration will replace warmth.

[THATguy23]

Yeah, we had a nice talk about all this the other day and I think she understands where I'm coming from

She's been giving me more space lately, she'll spend more time at home during the day, she'll pick me up from school and then go home and let me take a nap and just get some time to myself before she comes back over, she went to lunch with her sister today, she's still spending the night every night though, but that doesn't bother me too much, as long as we got our agreements up front, like I told her she can spend the night tonight, but I got to take her home first thing in the morning because I got stuff to take care of, and she cool with that. She understands... I realize I just got to plan ahead with her and let her know days before hand how long she can stay and when she got to leave, because if I just spring it up on her like "When are you going home?" she takes it personal like I'm trying to kick her out or something.

So, I just got to pay attention to how I handle every situation when it comes to her.

[THATguy23]

And when you take her home, apologize to her mom for not speaking. None of this may have happened if you had maybe done that in the beginning.

Oh, and by the way, I been apologized to her mom already, me and her mom are back on good terms, her mom even cooks for me every once in awhile.

That whole story was just in there to provide the reason for how she started staying at my house in the first place.

[enigmagnetic]

Sounds good my friend. Always have open communication. That's what it's like to be committed. I might advise always act a bit aloof and distant from time to time. Never concede your "you" time.

[Homegirl 50]

Oh, and by the way, I been apologized to her mom already, me and her mom are back on good terms, her mom even cooks for me every once in awhile.

That whole story was just in there to provide the reason for how she started staying at my house in the first place.

Well that is good to hear. Good Job.
Don't let the girl leech off you though. I would only let her stay the weekends.

[THATguy23]

I don't know what's going on now.

I took her home this morning and she was acting funny, I gave her a hug and told her I loved her and I was going to miss her and she said she's not going to miss me - which is obviously a lie. I was just like "why you just say that?" and she said "I don't know". I was just like whatever... and I just gave her a hug and left and told her I would call her when I got done working.

I got home and I called her and she was still acting funny - we talked for a little bit, I told her how my day went and asked about hers, then I said "I'm bout to take a nap, so just call me later" and she say "I'll call you on Monday" - I was like "why Monday?" She say "cuz that's what you want right? your free time? time to yourself? time away from me? So, I'll give you time away from me and just call you on Monday." Now all the sudden she getting an attitude with me. When we talked yesterday and I let her know I was going to take her home in the morning she seemed cool with it and we still had a great day yesterday, then I take her home and she starts acting like I did her wrong or something.

Oh, well. I'm not even going to worry about. If she don't call me until Monday, she don't call me until Monday. I'm just going to enjoy my weekend relaxing.

[aaii]

Sounds like she does have a bit of an attitude problem, but heh, what more do you expect? She's seen it as you kicking her out.

You know the best thing to do? Literally what you said. Don't worry about it. Don't get an attitude back with her. Just show you still care about her and never EVER invalidate what she says to you. Agree with everything she says to you, because otherwise you will create more tension, or if you feel its not going to help agreeing (aka not show you care), then silently agree.

Right now she's just upset. She may feel like you do not need her or love her as much as she loves you. She needs love, care and understanding more than anything right now, but don't smother her TOO much :)

Take care

[stonewilder]

You're being played by a 19 year old child trying to get out of mamas house. I hope you use condoms.

[Homegirl 50]

She is probably ticked off about going back home. But don't let her have you change your mind. This girl wants to move in with you and that would be a mistake. Stick to your guns.

[talaniman]

THATguy23]I don't know what's going on now.

I took her home this morning and she was acting funny,

She didn't want to go home.

I gave her a hug and told her I loved her and I was going to miss her and she said she's not going to miss me -

She is pissed about you taking her home when she didn't want to go home

Which is obviously a lie. I was just like "why you just say that?" and she said "I don't know". I was just like whatever... and I just gave her a hug and left and told her I would call her when I got done working.

No honest caring and sharing, FRIEND WITH BENEFITS KIND OF THING!!!

I got home and I called her and she was still acting funny

COWARDS way out instead of dealing with things face to face. You would have been a better man to talk right then.

- we talked for a little bit, I told her how my day went and asked about hers, then I said "I'm bout to take a nap, so just call me later" and she say "I'll call you on Monday"

She was not going to give you that satisfaction with out throwing her own stuff in the game.
-

I was like "why Monday?" She say "cuz that's what you want right? your free time? time to yourself? time away from me? So, I'll give you time away from me and just call you on Monday."

How about that for turning the tables on a woman who feels scorned? Has she gotten your attention yet?

Now all the sudden she getting an attitude with me.

You made her have that attitude.

When we talked yesterday and I let her know I was going to take her home in the morning she seemed cool with it and we still had a great day yesterday,
Then I take her home and she starts acting like I did her wrong or something.

Of course you did, just like the deer grazing and the lion waiting in the weeds.

Oh, well. I'm not even going to worry about. If she don't call me until Monday, she don't call me until Monday. I'm just going to enjoy my weekend relaxing.

Go ahead and relax and pass over her feelings as nothing, she is pissed at the treatment you have given her, Instead of being honest and forthright, not to mention considerate, you have treated her like a whore, you can be with at own leisure, and dismiss when your thru!!!! How would you feel in her shoes????:eek:
Your actions are selfish. She may be no angel, but you are not either, and she feels used, and you really have no feelings for her. Leave her alone, and let her get her self respect and dignity back. I suggest you do the same, as you have gotten your good time, and need to let her go!! As I posted before, this will not last if she has to go home!

[THATguy23]

I've treated her like a whore??

After letting her stay with me? Letting her drive my car? After spending time with her and going everywhere with her?
Helping her with her school situation? Helping her look for a job? Tutoring her 10 year old sister and helping her with her homework? Helping her mom set up her digital camera? Helping her set up a bank account and help her establish a plan on how to save money and not spend every penny? Giving her the keys to my apartment and letting her go there during the day and use my computer?

I live in a college apartment - a 4x4 with 3 roomates - 3 other dudes. Having a girl damn near live here is awkward, we're basically living in my bedroom together - 2 people in one tiny room together all the time doesn't make sense. I love having her over here, but 24/7 ? That's crazy. We've always talked about getting our own place together AFTER I graduate, which is in May, and I'm still not against that - I'm not against living with her, I just don't feel like it's the best thing to do under these circumstances. I have a computer in my room and nothing else - I don't have a TV in my bedroom. We have on in the living room, but if one of my roomates is watching it, what is she supposed to do? Lay in bed and be bored? She doesn't get a long with my roomates, I know they don't approve of me having her over here so much, but that's not their choice - they can't tell me what to do.

When I took her home yesterday morning, I never said it was a permanent situation, I never said she can't come back over or nothing like that, I just told her I was going to take her home before I went to work, and we would see each other that night. I saw her last night, but she was pissed off at me and she still is - she says she's not coming over ever again.

I honestly don't know what to do right now, but I just hope this all works out for the best. We'll be fine, I don't doubt it.

[stonewilder]

I am very surprised by your responses. I almost always agree with your suggestions but it seems that you have totally turned the fault on him. He gave her a place to stay till her mother realized she made a mistake and this girl took advantage of his kindness. It seems that he dose care about her but he is struggling himself working and trying to get an education with out trying to support a girl who hasn't grown up yet, and from the sound of it is quite spoiled as well. I don't think he is treating her like a whore as much as he is just trying to pacifier her to avoid losing her. I'm not saying that is the right way he should be handling it but…well she's acting like a child so…I'm just curious how you think he should handle this situation?

[Homegirl 50]

She was enjoying playing house with you and she's angry that you don't want to play house. It's impractical anyway, you share a place with other guys and you two really have not known each other that long.
She will either get over it, or she won't. Stop having her stay over and go back to a normal dating situation. If she has a problem with that, leave her alone.

[stonewilder]

First of all your roommates pay the bills too so having somewhat of a live in is their business. They have a right to expect you to pay her part if she's going to stay there. If she gets on your nerves after a while you can times that by 10 and you'll understand how bad she must be getting on their nerves. Also do you really want to live with her? If she is already insulting everything you say and do, or watch on TV it's not going to get any better when she settles in a home that is yours and hers together. You should save yourself the expense and aggravating situation to come and wait before you make the mistake to shack up with a girl who has a lot of growing up to do. As I said before….USE A CONDOM!

[enigmagnetic]

If you want to casually date someone you have to find someone who wants to casually date. An orange is not an apple and will never be.