[queena]

Yesterday my husband of over 20 years left his commission slip for the week on the table, where he knew I would see it. His commissions at one time were at $6000 per week. This was when I worked part time and took care of everything around the house and our 4 kids. Now 2 are gone off to college, and 2 teens still at home. Now his commission is at $2000 per month. He comes home between 2:30 and 4:00 every day and honestly only works about 4 hours a day. I lost track of my career between kids, but have worked 3/4 time or full time for the last 8 years. We are struggling to pay bills. When I said I was concerned about the commissions, he blew up and started his usuall attacking of my personality. When I said I didn't like that, he said I should leave. When he asked me what I wanted him to do about the commission thing, I said, I don't know, I'm just concerned, he said he was too, but he was so angry with me. When he asked me what was wrong with me and what was it that I really wanted, I said I just wanted us to plan and work things out together and for him to be nice to me. He said I didn't deserve to be treated nice, that I had to earn it. When I asked him if I haven't always supported him in his job and career, he said I had. I'm really confused about how to handle this. I feel like he enjoys belittling me but at the same time needs me. I don't know who I am in this relationship. I don't know whether to keep trying to understand and help him or to protect my heart. Help.

[Choux]

I think all the signs add up to a girlfriend.

Don't blow your marriage.

[kanicky73]

I wouldn't right away jump to the "girlfriend" conclusion. What type of sales is he in? Could his lower commission be part of lack of sales in the field of work he is in? For instance, with all the because lenders going under lately lots of brokers and loan officers are seeing less business. It could be something that simple and his blow up is due to his concern about it as well and his inability to control it.

[Wondergirl]

He's definitely on the defensive about something--at least guilt for not providing as well as in the past, like something is going on at work that he isn't working the hours and making the commissions like he used to.

Is he always at home when he's not at work? (keeping in mind what Choux suggested)

What does he do for a living?

I suspect he's not mad at you, but is mad at or upset with himself or feeling guilty, and is taking it out on you.

[somewhat]

He said I didn't deserve to be treated nice, that I had to earn it.

How long has he been verbally abusive?

[erlobenauer]

I'm wondering too - where all of his time is spent outside of work? Do you happen to know he's working when he says he is? Surely not trying to put anything negative into your head, but from experience I know that people get extremely bitter and defensive when they are hiding something. Maybe he is just stressed about the finances, or maybe it's a lot more, and a little less than you are wanting to realize. Keep your heart guarded, simply because virbal abuse takes its toll on people, and I'm certain you don't deserve it. Just stay strong, try to talk to him - see where things take you in the next few days/weeks such as his behavior!!

[erlobenauer]

OK, so basically I feel like an @**, Im sorry as I said Im not trying to make you think outside of context.

Try not to stress about the finances, I know if I'm stressed my husband always says he's not worried about it, and it will play out just fine ( and it usually does. ) Maybe he feels like less of a father and husband because he can't financially support his family as he was doing before - and is attacking you because you're there. Think over the situation, talk to him about what you guys can do " together " to get it right. If the verbal abuse doesn't come to an abrupt halt, perhaps it is something more he's not telling you. GOOD LUCK

[donf]

Hum mm- Just guessing, I would suggest to you that he is severely upset with you. With or without just cause. He strikes at you because he can. You are the easy target that can't effectively fight back!

First off, I'd make him own his own pile of crap. Don't take it from him just because he say its yours now. Us guys don't have a clue in the world about how to sort out our problems. We have to be educated and taught how to fight fair. Its not instinctive.

For example, "...he blew up and started his usual attacking of my personality." time out, stop the fight and tilt the battlefield back to level. Ask him exactly what part you play in his abilities to make sales and earn commissions? That's in his world, not yours. Make him own his own mess.

If he had tried that B.S at work among his peers it probably would have been stuffed back down his throat along with instructions about how much everyone else wants to hear him bellyache. They are in the same boat as he is.

You might also ask who cut his hours and is that why we are now getting smaller commission checks? You asked a question, you did not issue a declaration of war.

[shygrneyzs]

When someone comes home and "kicks the dog", the issue is not the dog or the dog's behavior. It is all related to the kicker and he cannot blame himself for anything wrong so he has to lash out at the first opportunity that is safe to lash out at. That is you. Unfortunately, that is you. He cannot strike out at his boss or co workers or clients. He cannot strike out at his children - you would call the police. But you would not call the police when he does that to you. You take it. Does not mean you like it, but you take it. He knows that. Expects that.

The "don't blow the marriage" is something really questionable - like this is all your fault and you should sugar coat this and pacify him so he does not feel bad he attacks you? Sorry, but since you have already done this and this does not make him stop, you already know it does not work.

You have every right to stand up for yourself. My goodness, you have more than earned your way and your rights in that marriage. Why in the world would he say something like you have to earn him being nice to you? That is so full of baloney, it makes me fume to read it. If he feels you have not earned him being nice to you in over 20 years, then my dear, you will never have earned that in his eyes. There are names for men like that, but I cannot print them.

So my kernel of advice is to get to a counselor for yourself. You can suggest it to your husband and he can refuse to go. But you go. You get through what you have to. Emotional well being is a valuable asset and often we women let that go in ourselves. We are tooooooooo busy creating the perfect world for our family. Protect your heart and yourself. You do not deserve to be belittled. He acts like the king, then he should treat you like his queen, not his doormat.

You can turn your life around. It may be hard going for a bit. He may not like the changes in you and will challenge your growth and your statement of self respect. There may come the time when the two of you part for a time. Prepare for it all. Lastly, the very best to you. My heart goes out to you.

[stonewilder]

I get the feeling there is something missing in this story. Not to take up for his belittling you but it seems that you may be feeling a little worthless from influences within yourself. Maybe now that the kids are teenagers and can take care of themselves pretty much you would fine some self worth by going back to work?

[kanicky73]

Very awesome advice! This happens often in marriages where one spouse sacrificed a career for the sake of taking care of the children.

I get the feeling there is something missing in this story. Not to take up for his belittling you but it seems that you may be feeling a little worthless from influences within yourself. Maybe now that the kids are teenagers and can take care of themselves pretty much you would fine some self worth by going back to work?

[talaniman]

You have been taking care of your family, and now you get no help, support or credit for it. Time to put your own life together, and deal with this from a position of knowledge, and strength. Working on your own career and finances, will give you confidence and strength, and counseling will provide the guidance. Your husbands actions are selfish and cruel, and if he doesn't change, then you must find happiness without him. Do you know for sure he has a girlfriend, or is that just a feeling?

[dcole]

Where did all these questions about GIRLFRIENDS come in? The poster didn't even mention a concern about infidelity.

I'd have to say just be careful about how you approach the subject of his earnings since many men define themselves worth on their carreer/breadwinner role. He admitted that he was also concerned about his earnings... but if he's earning so much less, there's probably a reason why. Maybe he no longer feels challenged or satisfied in his current position and needs a change? Talk about that first... I don't think accusing the husband of an affair at this stage is going to help at all!

[shygrneyzs]

The OP stated, in an early reply, that her husband has a girlfriend! Read back. So no one is accusing the husband of an affair - the wife stated he is having one.

[stonewilder]

If he know you know that he has a girl friend and you're still with him then why would you think he's going to show you any respect?

[Wondergirl]

I don't think queena meant he has a girlfriend. She was commenting on Choux's mixed message --

"I think all the signs add up to a girlfriend.

Don't blow your marriage."

Comments on this post
queena disagrees: "He has a girlfreind, and I'm blowing the marriage?"

Translation: "I'm blowing the marriage if he has a girlfriend? How do you figure? If that's true, then HE'S the one blowing the marriage."

[talaniman]

Finances and infidelity(?), are the main stresses on couples, who are finding themselves emptying the nest. That, plus years of giving attention to work and family needs, has put a big crimp on communications, and will builds resentments between two people, faster than anything else. I think that is what's really needed is to stop assuming, and get the truth about both your feelings out, where you can see what they are, and how to deal with them. People get tired after working so long, in jobs that are stressful, and time consuming, and want more than going to work and paying bills. I think you, and your husband have reached that point, and resent each other for no other reason than, who else can you take it out on? I read a lot of frustration, built up over time, and has to be vented, and resolved. Counseling? Normally that is what I recommend, but in this case a lot more info is needed, especially as to this girlfriend deal. Fact is one thing, suspicion is another. What are the basis for this accusation?

[Homegirl 50]

I think he is either feeling guilty about something or inadequate and is taking whatever it is out on you. You need to develop some mechanisms to cope with it. Cope with it does not mean be a door mat and put up with it though. Counseling would help.
I'm a firm believer in that what ever is done in darkness will sooner or later come to light, but I'm thinking that because he left the slip sitting out for you to see, there may be some financial difficulties.
Fix him a nice dinner with just the two of you and have a nice talk about what's going on. Hopefully he will open up to you.