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kaharie96 · Sep 23, 2007, 06:28 PM

I've been messing with a married guy for the last 3 yrs... and even though I know he's married I love him and I believe he loves me... I put up with his crap, but he doesn't want me to date/talk to another man even though he's married and lives with his wife... I tried to leave him a few times, but he ends up buying me back... why is he so selfish? Why can't I have someone on the side too? How do I leave him for good?

GlindaofOz · Sep 23, 2007, 06:36 PM

He ends up buying you back? Are you serious? I'm sorry I'm trying very hard to not judge you right now but it sounds as if you have no backbone.

Of course this guy is selfish he is married and cheating on his wife with you. He doesn't want you to see anyone else because he is selfish.

How do you leave him? You decide that you can't be bought. You decide that you might actually love yourself just a little bit more then him. You grow a backbone and decide that you are worth more then being someone's whore.

ConfusedandLost · Sep 23, 2007, 06:39 PM

Why is he so selfish? -----> He is having his cake and eating it too.

Get out of this relationship as fast a you can! I am surprised that you have tolerated it for as long as you have. You are filling yourself up with false promises the longer you stay in this situation. He clearly has no desire to leave what he has for you, you are better than that!

The hardest thing for you to do is go "cold turkey" immediately... walk away and NEVER look back. He can chase you or even try to "buy" you back again... ignore him. He will not give you that big of a fight. He has a lot to lose here...

Spend your time healing and improving yourself... you will eventually forget about this... also never go into a situation where you are "the other person" it never works out, EVER!

Homegirl 50 · Sep 23, 2007, 06:48 PM

Originally Posted by kaharie96

I've been messing with a married guy for the last 3 yrs...and even tho i know he's married i love him and i believe he loves me...i put up with his crap, but he doesn't want me to date/talk to another man even tho he's married and lives with his wife...i tried to leave him a few times, but he ends up buying me back....why is he so selfish? why can't i have someone on the side too? how do i leave him for good?

Why is he so selfish? - Because you have given him license to be. He can have his cake and eat it too.
How do you leave him for good? - Start caring about yourself, realize that you are messing with some body's husband and you are wasting yourself with a man who is basically buying you. Get some self esteem. Karma is a "B" so you'd better be real careful.
When you get tired of being a paid piece of tail, a booty call, you will leave.
Girl if that man loved you, he would leave you alone so you could have a healthy relationship. He he loved you, he would be yours. Love has nothing to do with this. You are being used. Do you want to spend the rest of life being the other woman , with a man that belongs to someone else?

Leidenschaftlich für Wahr · Sep 23, 2007, 07:00 PM

Wow. You discust me. Women like you discust me. Don't you know that he gets it from you but he will always be going back to her. She is his comfort zone, and his love lies with her. Get over it, you're his, but he will never be yours.

kaharie96 · Sep 23, 2007, 07:14 PM

I am not mad at you leiden... thats real talk and a real eye opener... I want to leave him, and I have before, but he always seem to get me back... I feel bad for his wife and son often... he cries for me not to leave him... and I fall for it over and over again... he's much older than me, and that's an advantage for him... he's 24ys older than me...

GlindaofOz · Sep 23, 2007, 07:17 PM

But you realize its all manipulation though right? Its part of the married man/mistress game for him to beg the mistress to leave to end his pain of loving her and his wife and being torn or whatever the lame statement is.

This man is sucking your freedom. This man is preventing you from getting healthy and getting into a healthy relationship.

Cut out contact with him. Change your phone number. Move. Do whatever it takes.

In my opinion women who get wrapped up in affairs have some very serious self-esteem, boundary, self-worth and intimacy issues. In order to insure that once you leave this guy you stay away and don't get wrapped up in another affair you need to seek some professional counseling.

EDIT

Do you think this is all you deserve? Some pathetic scraps of love and attention? Do you have any love for yourself at all?

Leidenschaftlich für Wahr · Sep 23, 2007, 07:18 PM

You're emotions about the situation don't help the situation until you act on them.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 23, 2007, 07:18 PM

I hope he is paying plenty of money, I am not sure what the going rate is for the local hookers but you need to be sure he is paying up enough for his romp in the park with you.

ConfusedandLost · Sep 23, 2007, 07:23 PM

Oh my god this guy really knows how to play with your emotions, he has your sympathy on his family. He is only out for a "good time", he has no real emotional attachment to you or even any long term plans for that matter. You need do walk away from this as fast as you can, before you destroy yourself even more. You are losing pieces of who you really are as you go... stop the pain NOW!

kaharie96 · Sep 23, 2007, 07:28 PM

That's so mean fr... I need advice on leaving and your insulting me... I didn't know he was maried until four months of dating him... it was to late... we had already slept together and I had strong feelings for him at that point...

GlindaofOz · Sep 23, 2007, 07:31 PM

But kaharie you stayed 2 years and 8 months after you found out he was married. You can leave at any time the only thing that is stopping you from leaving is you. You are completely in your own way in this situation. If you really wanted to be done with him you would be.

Change your phone number. If he shows up at your house don't answer. If he keeps it up call the cops and get a nuisance order. Move.

You need to decide that you actually love yourself and reclaim your life and kick this guy far, far away from your life

mellymel21384 · Sep 23, 2007, 07:32 PM

Originally Posted by kaharie96

i've been messing with a married guy for the last 3 yrs...and even tho i know he's married i love him and i believe he loves me...i put up wih his crap, but he doesn't want me to date/talk to another man even tho he's married and lives with his wife...i tried to leave him a few times, but he ends up buying me back....why is he so selfish? why can't i have someone on the side too? how do i leave him for good?

I have one word for you sister "FLOORMAT". The only reason I say this is because that is what you are doing/becoming. You should have more respect for yourself, then others will follow suit. Don't waste your time, by giving all your time to one person who isn't going to devote it all to you. Don't be dumb-you deserve better!

kaharie96 · Sep 23, 2007, 07:36 PM

Yes I do Glinda... it's deeper than you all know... feel trapped... I feel he needs me and if I leave him its not going to be good for me... he tells me if he finds out I've been with anoher man he 's going to "F" me up!. I really want OUT but I don't know where to start

Homegirl 50 · Sep 23, 2007, 07:36 PM

Originally Posted by kaharie96

i am not mad at you leiden....thats real talk and a real eye opener....i want to leave him, and i have b4, but he always seem to get me back....i feel bad for his wife and son often...he cries for me not to leave him...and i fall for it over and over again....he's much older than me, and thats an advantage for him....he's 24ys older than me....

Don't feel bad for his wife and son, they have him. He is and older guy, old enough to be your father and he is manipulating and using you. He has you so dependent you can see your way without him.
You better start ignoring those tears and care more for yourself than he does. He knows if you leave ,his young piece will be gone and he likely won't be able get another. He will use you until he uses you up. You are wasting your youth on this old fart and he is treating you like a prostitue, a call girl.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 23, 2007, 07:40 PM

Originally Posted by kaharie96

yes i do Glinda...it's deeper than u all know.... feel trapped...i feel he needs me and if i leave him its not going to be good for me...he tells me if he finds out i've been with anoher man he 's going to "F" me up!!....i really want OUT but i dont know where to start

Oh well see, this man does not love you. He does not need you, he thinks he owns you. This is all about ego. You need to just walk away. If he approaches you, you get and Order Of Protection against him.

star3114 · Sep 23, 2007, 07:40 PM

Don't let him play your heart strings... if he had true emotions and respect... he would not be fooling around on his wife. Sweetie, he doesn't love you. You are a conveinence for him. If you weren't there, he'd find someone else... and quite frankly you deserve better. You deserve the opportunity to be in a real relationship and not just a fling. Give yourself the chance to be truly happy... leave him. He is not good for you, nor will he ever be. Relocate if you need to for a fresh start, but leave him... for good.

GlindaofOz · Sep 23, 2007, 07:40 PM

Originally Posted by kaharie96

yes i do Glinda...it's deeper than u all know.... feel trapped...i feel he needs me and if i leave him its not going to be good for me...he tells me if he finds out i've been with anoher man he 's going to "F" me up!!....i really want OUT but i dont know where to start

Then go to your local police station and tell them that this man is threatening you and want to a restraining order against him.

Then you call the phone company and change your phone number and make it unlisted.

You are only in as deep as you want to be. You should've left when you found out he was married but that is moot.

His threats are more then likely empty and an attempt to keep you docile.

Why not call his wife? Tell her everything that has been going on. Tell her how he is abusing you (which is he doing verbally) and you have been trying to leave him and he won't let you and you don't know what to do.

You have options BUT you are cutting yourself off at the knees.

star3114 · Sep 23, 2007, 07:41 PM

I have a question... why are you so drawn to this older man? Does the age intrigue you? Does he remind you of your father? Why are you so drawn to him?

ConfusedandLost · Sep 23, 2007, 07:43 PM

Your right Glinda...

Kaharie, You have a "trump card" here... tell his wife everything. I would suggest doing what Glinda wrote about first. He has you so wrapped around his finger... you have given him all of your control and power. It's time you start getting it back!