[laeblas]

Here's my story: I met this girl through a mutual friend a little more than 2 years ago. We had both gotten out of long relationships 3-4 months previous to hanging out with each other but being with her made me forget all about my ex. She was 18 and I was 19. We moved into an apartment together in another city after about 6 months of going out. We had both fallen in love with each other and made each other very happy. We were both going to school in a new town but being with her made me feel happy and secure. Anyway, after our year lease was up I felt like I was missing some personal space and I wanted to move in with my brother instead of living with her. We talked about it deeply and she understood. We both moved into the same development as each other; I stayed with my brother and she stayed with her 2 girlfriends. Our relationship was still going strong up until the beginning of the summer. She enrolled in early morning classes and I had a night job so we rarely saw each other. By talking to her about it only recently, it got to the point for her that she starting making her feelings numb about me because she felt like I didn't want to spend time with her anymore. I have explained to her that I felt very distant from her during that time and I told her that I felt like I was living my life on auto-pilot (like the movie "Click".) Things got worse and worse but we never really fought too much it was more like her putting up walls. We stopped kissing passionately, seeing each other as much, and having sex on a regular basis but we still talked everyday to say good morning and good night and to see how the other person was doing. Then the time came for her to go on a family trip for 1 1/2 months. Before she left tension built up between us and there was an incident that invloved me getting very frusturated at her and breaking up plans to take her out that night. I felt like if she wasn't giving me the same love and affection, I didn't want to be the only one doing it because it hurts me to not feel it back. I had just picked her up in our complex and I yelled at her to get out of the car. Looking back at that now I think about how much of a jerk I was to talk to my love like that but I did it and when I saw her crying and walking back up to her apartment I didn't go after her. The next day she came over and told me that she can't see herself with anyone else but that we need a break. I was happy! I told her that I felt the same way and we needed some space. I always looked on the bright side which was we weren't breaking up, just taking some time away from each other after 2 years of constantly being with each other. I don't think that I was tired of being around her but I felt like I had lost my sense of self. About 1 week into her vacation I was still feeling confident about our relationship and even though I was thinking about her a lot, it was positive thoughts about her coming back after a nice trip and us rekindling our love. We had been talking every other day about her trip until suddenly I got the feeling like we had broken up and so we talked about it. I was devastated when she told me that "even though she loves and cares about me, she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now." So, her saying that we need some space/break meant that we were broken up all along. I feel like if I had known that's what she meant I would have reacted in a totally different way.That made me angry at her that she could suddenly turn off her affection for me. I became very depressed and felt very anxious to see her when she got back from her vacation. When she did come back (we had still been talking almost every day since she would call ME to see how I was doing and if my day was ok) we started hanging out again for about 3 weeks. I told her that because she isn't ready to be in a relationship with me and I am, I wanted her to call me and that I wasn't going to call her because if it was up to me I'd call her everyday to hang out but sure enough she called me everyday and we had a lot of fun together. I started feeling closer to her than I was when we were in a relationship and living together. We had deep conversations about what happened and how we both feel. She says that she put up walls to protect herself from feeling so hurt. And I tell her that no matter what I want her to be happy and she always tells me that having me in her life makes her happy. But she has also said that she knows that she has some anger towards me deep inside because of the way I treated her before she left but that she could see that I have gone back to the way I was before that and she feels happy around me again. Our 3 weeks together was spent going out to eat, watching movies, and talking about our feelings. We were still very touchy with each other but that kind of made me uncomfortable sometimes because it makes me think that she's trying to lead me on because when we are laying next to each other and she's cuddling against me one minute and she's kind of giving off the impression like she needs space the next. We ended up having sex one night and afterwards I felt like she was very distant. I didn't spend the night because she had school the next morning but she called me and told me that although she feels close to me and that she is attracted to me she still isn't ready for a sexual relationship right now. I want to be able to accept that because I respect her and love her a lot- more than anyone in my life so far but I felt really hurt because her feelings aren't the same anymore. We still talked and hung out for a week after that and that brings us to now. I read some of the posts on this website and talked to some close friends and felt empowered by the idea of letting her go and giving her space so that she could come back to me because if she doesn't come back than it wasn't meant to be in the first place. I told her my idea and she agreed that even though she'd miss me a lot she thinks that it would be best for us. She says that she could see us together in the future but can't say when and that she hopes that one day we work out, just not now. I am torn up inside but I feel like the connection we have won't fade away I just find myself worrying about her hanging out with other guys/ meeting someone else because she is a very attractive girl. The main problem for me and the reason that I resorted to have us get some space is that sometimes we are very flirty and close and other times she is distant. She tells me that half of her wants to be with me and the other half is still confused/ not ready and I want her to have some real time with me out of the picture because even on her trip we were still in each other's lives. It had only been 2 days and last night and I called her. I tried to stop myself from calling but I felt so lonely. She didn't pick up and I left a short message telling her that "it was probably a good thing you didn't pick up but I love you" and then I felt like an idiot for calling her and hung up. Do you guys think I messed up by breaking the silence? She hasn't called me back yet.. should I pick up the phone or call her back if she does? I've been seeing a lot of people giving advice to take a break for 3 months.. that seems like forever to not talk to this girl. I feel like I have so much love to give her and she's rejecting it because she needs space but then why did she call me every day to hang out and have sex with me and why did it have to come down to me putting my foot down and saying that since I want to be in a relationship with her it's too difficult to have her in my life and have her feel confused. I told her that if she wasn't confused anymore and even if she decided that she didn't want to be with me that we could still remain best friends but I can't be in love with her if she's confused because it hurts too much.We aren't mad at each other and I don't feel like I need space but I know she does. I have no intention of giving up with her but I feel like if I'm going to wait 3 months I'll go crazy because I want to be with her right now! I've started going out with friends and going to the gym and that keeps me focused on other things but I still think about this situation constantly and I feel like I have things under control for the most part but I still feel very sad and because she gives me hope for the future it makes me very anxious. Any advice or interpretation would be very much appriciated and I'll add some more info if I think of anything I missed.

[talaniman]

I think you both moved to fast, before healing from other relationships, and tried to get back what you had. I see you both trying, but too much confusion and extreme feelings. Using each other as a rebound, or a crutch, only delayed the inevitable. Going thru the healing process. Take this break to heal, and get your perspectives back. Leave her alone to do the same.

[s_cianci]

I don't think you've made any "fatal" mistakes yet but I'd definitely begin a period of no contact and doing other things (like gym, hanging out with other friends, etc.) Make her have to chase you. If she calls you, you can be receptive but convey the idea that you're busy and have limited time for her. That'll bring her to the realization that, if she wants to see you, then she'll have to make time for you and she'll be sure that it's quality time. What you don't want to do is be too available to her. When she senses that you are, she knows she can get away with the game playing because she believes that you'll always be there for her no matter what. You've got to take that security blanket away from her. Then she'll be forced to make a firm decision and you'll know where you stand with her one way or the other.

[laeblas]

I think you both moved to fast, before healing from other relationships, and tried to get back what you had. I see you both trying, but to much confusion and extreme feelings. Using each other as a rebound, or a crutch, only delayed the inevitable. Going thru the healing process. Take this break to heal, and get your perspectives back. Leave her alone to do the same.

I knew that someone would say something like this when I choose to include that we had both gotten out of relationships but I never felt like it mattered because what we had together meant more to each of us than our previous relationships.

[laeblas]

I don't think you've made any "fatal" mistakes yet but I'd definitely begin a period of no contact and doing other things (like gym, hanging out with other friends, etc.) Make her have to chase you. If she calls you, you can be receptive but convey the idea that you're busy and have limited time for her. That'll bring her to the realization that, if she wants to see you, then she'll have to make time for you and she'll be sure that it's quality time. What you don't want to do is be too available to her. When she senses that you are, she knows she can get away with the game playing because she believes that you'll always be there for her no matter what. You've got to take that security blanket away from her. Then she'll be forced to make a firm decision and you'll know where you stand with her one way or the other.

So you don't think that I should have no contact for 3 months right? And if she calls back let her control the flow of the conversation?

[laeblas]

Update: I sent her an email apologizing for calling her and assuring her that I am still dedicated to respecting her space. Also, I let her know that I thought that we should keep this up for 3 months but that I was curious as to whether she felt is was too long/short of a time to determine whether she wants me in her life in that way. She hasn't called me back but if she does I'll tell her that everything I have to say is in an email. I also said that I want her to feel like she can call me or see me as long as she feels like it will help her decide, otherwise no contact. I don't believe that we need absolutely no contact because what if she doesn't need 3 months and she doesn't feel like she can call me to tell me something without it being weird after not having contact? I guess now that I'm typing it on this post I'm thinking that I'm being too available to her which is exactly what I shouldn't be doing right now.. :(

[Ash123]

Start here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

Sorry man, pace yourself.

Take a few days off, cool down, rent Swingers.

Check back in a bit. DO NOT CONTACT HER... no. no. no.

[laeblas]

Start here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

sorry man, pace yourself.

take a few days off, cool down, rent Swingers.

Check back in a bit. DO NOT CONTACT HER....no. no. no.

But what if she contacts me? Should I answer her calls? If she is willing to talk shouldn't I be willing to listen? I know that she still cares about me a lot and I know that she isn't just trying to let me down easy when she tells me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now but still hopes that we work out in the future because we've had really good communication for the past month she's been back and I'm not trying to initiate any "game playing" by not taking her calls to get her to feel bad or want me more.. or am I missing something?

[Ash123]

YOU WROTE:
"The main problem for me and the reason that I resorted to have us get some space is that sometimes we are very flirty and close and other times she is distant. She tells me that half of her wants to be with me and the other half is still confused/ not ready and I want her to have some real time with me out of the picture because even on her trip we were still in each other's lives. It had only been 2 days and last night and I called her.."

She is confused and not ready and you want to give her real time out...right?

So, tell her to take some time... People always think if they do not speak to someone they are losing ground... But, chasing someone who wants space is how you lose them.

If she is calling to work on a plan, maybe... But how fast can she go from confused and needing time to "ok, i'm fine." sometimes girls need time alone... they will crave you if you make them see you have more than just THEM. It's basic alpha male stuff. HAVE A LIFE BIGGER THAN THEM BUT LET THEM JOIN IN IF THEY WISH.

Talking just to talk... is BAD... just make sure you are not doing that.

That is a ticket to the Friend Zone: Population YOU!

Grant her the space she wants if she wants to talk about the news and gossip. If she wants to talk about fixing you all, try it in a bit of time from now.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you both were each other's rebound. You had pain in common so you connected helped each other heal. You have out grown each other, or at least she has you.
Chalk it up to experience; when you get out of one relationship, don't jump into another one, and when you're teeneagers, don't take yourselves and relationships so seriously.
Move on.

[talaniman]

I knew that someone would say something like this when I choose to include that we had both gotten out of relationships but I never felt like it mattered because what we had together meant more to each of us than our previous relationships.

You had something in common, and you gravitated to each other, through a hard time for you both.

She was 18 and I was 19. We moved into an apartment together in another city after about 6 months of going out. We had both fallen in love with each other and made each other very happy.

6 months of dating is way to soon to jump into living together. Normally you're really still strangers, yes you clicked, but I feel this is too much, to soon. You should be enjoying getting to really know one another.

[laeblas]

Do you guys think that she really means it when she says that she hopes that we can get back together in the future? If it was up to her we'd be in each other's lives right now but as close friends. I'm feeling very depressed and sad because when I think of who I want to call to hang out or talk to I think of her even if it isn't about being in a relationship with her I just like her company. Is it worth spacing myself from her right now while she still isn't sure about whether she'll come back to me or not or should I be able to hang out with her since we are still close despite being separated

[Ash123]

Re-read the posts on here.

"space is the place"

[nkychic]

I agree with what everyone has said. You both need this time to heal and let things happen. I keep hearing you say '3 months' may be too long. Don't put a time limit on it. That's just stress and anxiety that's not needed. Take a step back. Do what you're doing (going to the gym, hanging with friends). If you won't settle for being "just friends" then make that clear to her and yourself. You are working on a quick trip to the "friendship zone" and once there, there is no turning back. If that's not what you want then tell her. That way she knows where you stand and she can figure out what she wants out of this relationship. You can't push a relationship on her. Just take a break (don't worry about how long, don't count the days). Find a better way to live life than stressing so much over something that may not even work out. I'm not trying to be rude, but you have to be realistic. Although there is a chance you will get back together, that chance still remains that you won't.

[laeblas]

Although there is a chance you will get back together, that chance still remains that you won't.

I think that's what I need to hear right now but it's a terrible position to be in for me because it makes me feel so powerless.

Thanks for everyone's advice so far I think I'm going to be all right for now. I'll check back here in a little while when I have something to update.

[laeblas]

So I haven't talked to her in 3 days and I ran into her at the gym. It wasn't too awkward since I was with my brother but she was sitting down to eat (there's a subway in the gym) and my bro and I were going to eat there too and he got his food first and sat down with her and started talking. After I got my sub I went up to my bro and told him that we had to go. She looked at me and looked down immediately and said "oh you're not staying here to eat?" I just told her that we had to go and that it was nice seeing her. After I got home and took a shower I broke into tears because I felt so sad about not being able to be with this girl. I have been all right these past few days and I'm not the type of guy that gets all emotional about situations but this is too close to my heart. I'm also wondering if she's going to call me and if you guys think it would be a good idea to answer it if she does.. Do you think that it was bad for her space to run into her? We pretty much just stood there smiling at each other. I feel so sad now.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you need to leave her alone. Don't make it any harder for her either. She may be missing you too, but that does not mean she wants you back.
Respect her wishes and leave her alone.

[evontman8]

here's my story: I met this girl through a mutual friend a little more than 2 years ago. We had both gotten out of long relationships 3-4 months previous to hanging out with each other but being with her made me forget all about my ex. She was 18 and I was 19. We moved into an apartment together in another city after about 6 months of going out. We had both fallen in love with each other and made each other very happy. We were both going to school in a new town but being with her made me feel happy and secure. Anyways, after our year lease was up I felt like I was missing some personal space and I wanted to move in with my brother instead of living with her. We talked about it deeply and she understood. We both moved into the same development as each other; I stayed with my brother and she stayed with her 2 girlfriends. Our relationship was still going strong up until the beginning of the summer. She enrolled in early morning classes and I had a night job so we rarely saw each other. By talking to her about it only recently, it got to the point for her that she starting making her feelings numb about me because she felt like I didn't want to spend time with her anymore. I have explained to her that I felt very distant from her during that time and I told her that I felt like I was living my life on auto-pilot (like the movie "Click".) Things got worse and worse but we never really fought too much it was more like her putting up walls. We stopped kissing passionately, seeing each other as much, and having sex on a regular basis but we still talked everyday to say good morning and good night and to see how the other person was doing. Then the time came for her to go on a family trip for 1 1/2 months. Before she left tension built up between us and there was an incident that invloved me getting very frusturated at her and breaking up plans to take her out that night. I felt like if she wasn't giving me the same love and affection, I didn't want to be the only one doing it because it hurts me to not feel it back. I had just picked her up in our complex and I yelled at her to get out of the car. Looking back at that now I think about how much of a jerk I was to talk to my love like that but I did it and when I saw her crying and walking back up to her apartment I didn't go after her. The next day she came over and told me that she can't see herself with anyone else but that we need a break. I was happy! I told her that I felt the same way and we needed some space. I always looked on the bright side which was we weren't breaking up, just taking some time away from each other after 2 years of constantly being with each other. I don't think that I was tired of being around her but I felt like I had lost my sense of self. About 1 week into her vacation I was still feeling confident about our relationship and even though I was thinking about her a lot, it was positive thoughts about her coming back after a nice trip and us rekindling our love. We had been talking every other day about her trip until suddenly I got the feeling like we had broken up and so we talked about it. I was devastated when she told me that "even though she loves and cares about me, she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now." So, her saying that we need some space/break meant that we were broken up all along. I feel like if I had known that's what she meant I would of reacted in a totally different way.That made me angry at her that she could suddenly turn off her affection for me. I became very depressed and felt very anxious to see her when she got back from her vacation. When she did come back (we had still been talking almost every day since she would call ME to see how I was doing and if my day was ok) we started hanging out again for about 3 weeks. I told her that because she isn't ready to be in a relationship with me and I am, I wanted her to call me and that I wasn't going to call her because if it was up to me I'd call her everyday to hang out but sure enough she called me everyday and we had a lot of fun together. I started feeling closer to her than I was when we were in a relationship and living together. We had deep conversations about what happened and how we both feel. She says that she put up walls to protect herself from feeling so hurt. And I tell her that no matter what I want her to be happy and she always tells me that having me in her life makes her happy. But she has also said that she knows that she has some anger towards me deep inside because of the way I treated her before she left but that she could see that I have gone back to the way I was before that and she feels happy around me again. Our 3 weeks together was spent going out to eat, watching movies, and talking about our feelings. We were still very touchy with each other but that kind of made me uncomfortable sometimes because it makes me think that she's trying to lead me on because when we are laying next to each other and she's cuddling against me one minute and she's kind of giving off the impression like she needs space the next. We ended up having sex one night and afterwards I felt like she was very distant. I didn't spend the night because she had school the next morning but she called me and told me that although she feels close to me and that she is attracted to me she still isn't ready for a sexual relationship right now. I want to be able to accept that because I respect her and love her a lot- more than anyone in my life so far but I felt really hurt because her feelings aren't the same anymore. We still talked and hung out for a week after that and that brings us to now. I read some of the posts on this website and talked to some close friends and felt empowered by the idea of letting her go and giving her space so that she could come back to me because if she doesn't come back than it wasn't meant to be in the first place. I told her my idea and she agreed that even though she'd miss me a lot she thinks that it would be best for us. She says that she could see us together in the future but can't say when and that she hopes that one day we work out, just not now. I am torn up inside but I feel like the connection we have won't fade away I just find myself worrying about her hanging out with other guys/ meeting someone else because she is a very attractive girl. The main problem for me and the reason that I resorted to have us get some space is that sometimes we are very flirty and close and other times she is distant. She tells me that half of her wants to be with me and the other half is still confused/ not ready and I want her to have some real time with me out of the picture because even on her trip we were still in each other's lives. It had only been 2 days and last night and I called her. I tried to stop myself from calling but I felt so lonely. she didn't pick up and I left a short message telling her that "it was probably a good thing you didn't pick up but I love you" and then I felt like an idiot for calling her and hung up. Do you guys think I messed up by breaking the silence? She hasn't called me back yet.. should I pick up the phone or call her back if she does? I've been seeing a lot of people giving advice to take a break for 3 months.. that seems like forever to not talk to this girl. I feel like I have so much love to give her and she's rejecting it because she needs space but then why did she call me every day to hang out and have sex with me and why did it have to come down to me putting my foot down and saying that since I want to be in a relationship with her it's too difficult to have her in my life and have her feel confused. I told her that if she wasn't confused anymore and even if she decided that she didn't want to be with me that we could still remain best friends but I can't be in love with her if she's confused because it hurts too much.We aren't mad at each other and I don't feel like I need space but I know she does. I have no intention of giving up with her but I feel like if I'm going to wait 3 months I'll go crazy because I want to be with her right now! I've started going out with friends and going to the gym and that keeps me focused on other things but I still think about this situation constantly and I feel like I have things under control for the most part but I still feel very sad and because she gives me hope for the future it makes me very anxious. any advice or interpretation would be very much appriciated and I'll add some more info if I think of anything I missed.

Well I know the situation is frustrating but you have to ride it out. I've been there before and it seems like the days never end but the bottom line is if you two are meant to be then you will be together. Just let her know how you feel about her still. Make sure she knows you would do anything just to make her smile but don't be too overwhelming thatll push her away. Good luck

[Navroos]

Um u guys moved too fast