[1981Gurl]

I've been dating a guy for 2.5 years. I'm 26 and he's 46-a bit of an age difference but that's never been an issue for us. What HAS been an issue is that he has a child with another woman who lives a couple blocks from me in our town. She works at the same building he does and still desperately wants to be a part of his life... romantically. We began dating when the baby was just 5 months old and she's now nearly 3. I adore this little girl-but her mother has been nothing but trouble for us.

When I met him he told me that they were completely over-and had mutually agreed to have a child even though they were not in a committed relationship... well, he did not tell her that he was seeing me for months after we met. He even took her and the baby on a trip out of the country to visit his family. Well, eventually it was out that we were in a relationship and the mother flipped out-crying, begging him to be with her... and then eventually suing him in court for as much child support and control over the child situation as she could legally get. She even stated that I was not allowed to be alone with the child at any time.

My problem is in how my boyfriend deals with her. She can't stand to see me and him together so she insists that he come pick up and drop off the child and I am not allowed to be in the car. Because of this, he goes out of his way to drop me off before he picks up/drops off his child. He pays her a ridiculous amount of child support as well as covering daycare costs, health insurance, etc. I feel like he got screwed in the deal... but he continues to cater to her demands. I'm always suspicious of what's going on between them because he never tells me of his dealings with her. She only calls him on his cell phone... stops by his office (1 floor above hers) frequently and when he does talk about her or something related I find out that they communicate more than I know. She took her vacation time this year to fly out of the country with the child to visit his family. When he brought it up a week later he acted as though she hadn't told him and he was upset that she did it... also mentioned she had brought back some gifts from his mom to give to him-which he accepted. On one occasion she called him several times during the work day to tell him that she needed to meet with him at her house after the child went to sleep. He went to her house that night after 10pm and stayed around an hour-only telling me afterwards. His version of the story was that she wanted to talk to him about me and that she doesn't want the child around me alone or me being responsible for picking the child up from daycare, etc. I told him that was a bunch of bull and she just wanted to see if she could get him to come to her house late at night leaving me wondering or worrying... later he admits "i think i was set up" and that she was trying to cause trouble between us.

These type of situations continue to go on... the latest and last straw was last night.
We had the child over the weekend and last night we thought she called around 9:30 (she always has a blocked #) he didn't answer and mumbled that she was probably calling to tell him to bring the child back to her house. A few minutes later he left to drop the child off. It's less that 5 minutes down the road. Upon his return we sat and watched TV together for 2 hours. At 11:30pm I told him I was sleepy and was headed upstairs for bed. He kissed me goodnight and said he would stay up and watch TV for a little while longer. After going upstairs I brushed my teeth and washed my face... remembering I wanted to ask him something I walked back out onto the balcony overseeing the TV room... he had his cell phone in his hand and quickly slammed it face down on the couch as if I had startled him. When I asked him who he was calling he said he had checked his voicemail... when I probed further he said that he had called baby's mama to see if she was the person that called from a blocked ID (over 2 hrs earlier) I told him that he had saw her when he dropped off the child and if she didn't mention it why would be call her back so late... by this time it was 11:45pm-early in the relationship we had established that they shouldn't call each other after 9pm unless it was an emergency involving the child. Needless to say that rule has been broken by both many times.

What made me suspicious is that no one had called since the 9:30pm blocked ID call-and there was no voicemail left... why would he suddenly decide he should call her to find out if it was her that long after the blocked call came in, he had already seen her when dropping off the child, and after he thought I was in bed asleep. I really had a bad feeling when he slammed the phone down like I caught him... he was very defensive telling me I'm suspicious of everything... yada yada yada... I told him I'd had enough... packed my things and left. It's so stressful dealing with him and his dealings with the baby's mother... knowing that she wants him so bad and they have a child together...

Does anyone else think that situation is suspicious? Am I overreacting? Is he wrong in the way he handles his dealings with her?? He has even shared some of our relationship troubles with her once during a "break" we took. Any advice or opinions are welcome.

[SAB123]

I would move on, why would you want to deal with all this drama for the rest of your life.

[chuff]

It seems way to complicated a situation to stay in. I'd be glad your out of it and move forward hopefully learning something from this whole mess that will help you to never get involved in such high school drama again.

[Homegirl 50]

Girl, if that man wanted to be rid of that woman he would be. I would bet she is closer to his age too. Any way, get out of it. He is either a weak man, or he is where he wants to be. You don't need that kind of drama. Find somebody closer to your age preferably with no kids. Leave the man to his kid and his baby mamma.

[StrongButInLove]

I am currently in somewhat of the same situation. My bf's ex calls continuously and can't handle seeing us together. You have to decide if he is worth the trouble. I do think his actions are suspicious and I would leave him alone.

[zeeniee]

HI 1981Gurl

I think it is clear that you have trust issues with your man- rightly so... and that the relationship is somewhat complicated as he has a child he does need to take care of.

It is also clear that your man is not dealing with this v well- he should by now created a good balance between providing for his child and dealing with the child and keeping you happy. He should certainly have sorted things out with his wife such that he does not have to treat you this way. The fact that this has not been achieved, means that you will constantly have to deal with this all the time. I can't see how this will get any better- especially when the child grows up etc.

It would be best to move on from this situation. I am sure with time you will find a much nicer person- who will treat you with much respect as you deserve and with no messy drama and complication in your relationship.

[neverme]

He has had long enough to deal with this situation in a responsible manner and he hasn't.

You need to walk away. If he really does want to be with you you'll know after a short while. But really, will you be able to get over the suspicions? I doubt it. Once jealously and paranoia rear their ugly head they take a monumental effort on both sides to get rid of. I fear you would be running alone up a hill that you may never reach the top of.

You deserve a man that loves and cherishes you. Who realises the stress you are wiling to be under to be with him and tries to ease that, not someone who expects you to just keep dealing indefinitely.

[chuff]

The OP was posted 2 years ago and she hasn't come back since.