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zinny · Aug 30, 2007, 03:26 PM

Been going out with this guy for almost 2 years. Had to find out from my friend that he got drunk with mates and ended up in bed with someone who practically threw herself at him. Lack of self control on his part! It hurts to have one's trust betrayed specially by someone you feel a lot for. This happened in March, I found out in April.

Cried the tears, forgiven the brother (taking some time), talked things through and given our relationship another go.

Indeed people deserve second chances, yet at the back of my mind, I'm dying to know the truth!

Has he learnt from his mistake (so he calls it that)?
How do I know if he is being true to our new commitment?
How much does this relationship mean to him?
How do I know he isn't just taking me for granted?

How do I know that this time he is for real?

Experts! Can you suggest:

Possible actions I can take to see if he is for real?
Signs to look out for if he really is committed and faithful?

I guess women feel secure if they are with someone they can trust!

HELP!

tpreyer · Aug 30, 2007, 05:02 PM

His action's were not trust worthy how can you trust him. If you accept ot he'll do it again.

rankrank55 · Aug 30, 2007, 05:14 PM

Yah know, only time will tell his true intentions. It is up to you to decide whether you are going to let yourself trust him again. You agreed to give him a second chance, you forgave him and talked it through. You have to find trust from within yourself, not from him... trust is for YOU and it is up to YOU to build it. One big no no... don't badger him about the situation, don't constantly ask him if he is really sorry, don't get all jealous acting, you get the point. These actions will only sour the relationship more for the both of you. If you start having these feelings you have two choices... either find it within yourself to trust what he has said and his future actions or get out of the relationship. A relationship is not worth being in if you can't have trust and are miserable with jealously and resentment.

SnakeBite · Aug 30, 2007, 06:35 PM

Cheat once, cheat twice.

Has he learnt from his mistake (so he calls it that)?
That you will never know.
How do I know if he is being true to our new commitment?
You won't.
How much does this relationship mean to him?
Only he has that answer.
How do I know he isn't just taking me for granted?
You don't know.

joesphearlwayne · Aug 30, 2007, 06:48 PM

Being a guy who has cheated before Better be careful!
Best answer is: Once a cheater always a cheater! About 2 recent ever repent and go straight! I have and it is real hard to keep it straight, you really have to work hard.
HE WILL HAVE TO EARN YOUR TRUST ALL OVER.
Now, how you will know?? Time will tell.
I`m a good listener.
Joe

Dennis777 · Aug 30, 2007, 06:58 PM

Hello.

The only way of knowing if he is being honest is time as the others have said. You have to do what feels right for you. If you let him back in your life then you have to give him 110% just as he has to give to you. The past is the past so if you forgave him you have to follow through with that. If you can't forgive him then move on and find your Mr. Right.

I agree with the saying Once a cheater always a cheater but that is when a person has an affair. An affair that is planned and is over time. Your Boyfriend got drunk (thats no excuse) and had a one time fling (not right I agree) but it was a one time thing or at least that's what you have said. An affair and a drunken fling pushed by his buddies is not the same thing. Both wrong but like night and day when it comes to being a cheater.

Dennis777

SnakeBite · Aug 30, 2007, 07:49 PM

Originally Posted by joesphearlwayne

Being a guy who has cheated before Better be careful!!
Best answer is: Once a cheater always a cheater!! About 2 recent ever repent and go straight! I have and it is real hard to keep it straight, you really have to work hard.
HE WILL HAVE TO EARN YOUR TRUST ALL OVER.
Now, how you will know??? Time will tell.
I`m a good listener.
Joe

He has to get caught in the act, and he may not get caught. So "time will tell" can mean nothing.:o

chuff · Aug 30, 2007, 08:01 PM

Will he cheat again? You betcha.

And why not, you bought the story so you know he will do it again.

I know it was a story because if this was truly what happened and it was truly an "accident" then he would have told you the following day after "sobering up."

zinny · Aug 30, 2007, 08:36 PM

Woe! Appreciate the responses, guess I've just been hit hard with the reality of things aye.
Time is of essence indeed! Experience is life and life is experience. A sense of direction is what I am after and your responses give relevant points to consider. Still open to more suggestions though...

To: Chuff, Snakebite, Dennis777, josephearlwayne, rankrank55, tpreyer... appreciate it!

mckenzie134 · Aug 30, 2007, 09:05 PM

Sorry to say but Cheating on you once is that not a SIGN!! You are blinded my LOVE andcannot see that once a guy cheats on you he is not totally in love with you.. If he was he would not have done it...

Don't ever say she basically threw herself at him. Sounds like a great guy so next time a girl basically throws herself at him you think he won't do it again..

You need to wake up and realise this guy is a jerk and will yes WILL WILL do this again, you can kid yourself all you like, HE is not changing. You will find it hard to let him go but in the end do you want to spend your life with someone who cheated on you!!

In a years time you will lokk at him and say GEEZ he cheated on me! You can find a guy who when he goes out will look at other girls but wiklkl no in his heart that you are the girl for him and will not allow this to happen!!

She did not hold his D*** up for him she did not force him to bend her over he did it cause he wanted to cause he doesn't really care about you and if he did he wouldn't have done this!!

Now he may seem sorry that's cause he still wants to give you some action!!

Next time you go down on him just rememvber where and who he was with whiole he waas meant to be your boyfriend.. What a great guy get some self respect and Get rid of the creep. You can live without him and find a better guy one you won't have to think of with being with another girl..

He lost all your TRUST why would you want someone like that!!

TRUST = LOVE = RELATIONSHIP!

You have and will never have this again..

So let him go and find what it is like to be with a guy who you can trust and will love you like you should be.

kt1205 · Aug 30, 2007, 09:43 PM

That's why I don't want my boyfriend drinking unless we are together. If you really love him try giving him another chance. If you think you'll be better without him then leave. Just remember that he's cheated once and if he's that type he may do it again. Do you want to be with a cheater? Or someone who doesn't cheat?

Ash123 · Aug 30, 2007, 09:51 PM

This answer you can take as a stone cold lock: He will cheat again.

But do as you wish.

Trouble321 · Aug 31, 2007, 05:36 AM

You can't trust him. Its as plain and simple as that. He didn't even confess to you, your friend told you what happened. If they had not ratted him out he may have kept his dirty little secret indefinitely. This shows that he has no remorse, does not feel guilty and because you have forgiven him so easily... I'm sure he will do it again. Next time he will be more careful and you may not even find out about it.

Take it from someone who has been in your shoes, let him go. Two years is not a long time for a relationship. You don't want to look back in another two years thinking you should have broken it off the first time and then wasted another two years.

MissingHim2Much · Aug 31, 2007, 01:16 PM

I hate that saying, once a cheater always a cheater... he didn't have a planned out affair. He got drunk and made a really really really bad impaired drunken mistake. That's not the same thing as a cheater.

zooropa1985 · Aug 31, 2007, 01:17 PM

Short answer ---- NO

Forget this fool and go out and meet a decent guy... like me :)

chuff · Aug 31, 2007, 01:24 PM

Originally Posted by MissingHim2Much

I hate that saying, once a cheater always a cheater...

Very true. Some people can cheat and then never do it again.

Originally Posted by MissingHim2Much

he didnt have a planned out affair. He got drunk and made a really really really bad impaired drunken mistake. Thats not the same thing as a cheater.

This is where I disagree. If he really made a bad impaired mistake and he really valued his relationship why did he not admit it to her instead of letting her find out the from other people.

chuff · Aug 31, 2007, 01:25 PM

Originally Posted by zooropa1985

short answer ---- NO

forget this fool and go out and meet a decent guy...like me :)

I'd hate to give him up but Zoo is a fine man and NOT a cheater.

talaniman · Aug 31, 2007, 01:33 PM

I think you needed to take some time to really get over your feelings before taking a cheater back, as I know you are devastated by what he has done. The fact he didn't come clean and be honest, is a big red flag, so you need to figure out, if YOU can get over this, and move on. Either way it will take a lot of time to get the trust back, and until you do you will always be haunted by this event, and it will affect this relationship in a negative way.

zooropa1985 · Aug 31, 2007, 01:38 PM

Dam tal talk about rubbing it in, your little ad there is making me depressed at being single on a Friday night, :(

MissingHim2Much · Aug 31, 2007, 01:44 PM

Originally Posted by chuff

Very true. Some people can cheat and then never do it again.

This is where I disagree. If he really made a bad impaired mistake and he really valued his relationship why did he not admit it to her instead of letting her find out the from other people.

I can't answer that one either. He really should've told her I agree with that. But I'm not in his head and maybe he didn't want to hurt her, I don't know.